To be upset with my parents

[embracethemuffintop]

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

OP you say you offered to meet half way but that travelling would be difficult as they are autistic and have a fear of confines spaces. Surely even if you are only going half way you will still have to deal with these problems. As other have suggested surely your parents would be willing to pay for a stop over as a compromise?

Yes, you could argue that the money that would have been spent on OP & family is still available-which was why I suggested OP asked her parents to pay for them (OP) to visit UK.

Forgetting of course the flight length

But as other posters have said, maybe they don't want to do another long flight too soon-and are merely pointing out that funds are depleted & therefore any future trips to OP will perhaps be fewer in number than she thought.

And they might also be hinting that it's her turn to travel!

Also, the op has said her DH is not on for the kids flying at all. I read the post about her parents could have paid for everyone to come to her on her holiday destination part of oz as the op having guilt tripped her parents and everyone else.

Along the lines of "my DC can't fly. You should all come here and we can get together as a family at mine"

But that is putting her and her DC and DH above her two brothers, wives and their kids. Plus, Florida and all the parks and entertainments is a dream holiday spot for many families. Oz kind of isn't in the same league. Nor is Thailand.

And the Vegas argument just makes no sense.

And if her siblings are wealthy, as she says, and money isn't an issue, then there must be some other reason why they and their families haven't made the trip to Oz to visit her.

Wow I don't even think I need to give reasons at all because they are all pretty much covered but YABU by a long shot!!! This is, in fact, the worst AIBU I have seen in a very long time. Unbelievably selfish. I understand you being upset that your parents may not see your children for a while BUT that is not their fault but yours for 1. moving so far away and 2. not going on the holiday.

Why should they change their plans to suit your needs? They were kind enough to invite you and it is your choice not to go, not theirs. I bet they are really gutted you can't go and so are your kids. Don't see how you can do a smaller flight (which is still long) but not go as far as florida.

It may be a little stressful but once it's over the kids will have a fantastic holiday and get to spend some time with their family who they may not see until they are a lot older.

But I don't think anything anyone suggests will make a difference because you seem very U and not in any way going to make a solution.

OP you stated that you have special needs children, and I am assuming that their special needs make travelling long distances extremely difficult for them (and you and those around possibly) which is why you declined the holiday.

Unfortunately you do often miss out when you have to make some difficuly and disappointing decisions that cater for special needs, and that is just how it is.

Family dont always take your children's special needs into account because its not at the forefront of their mind like it is for you, and they have no way of understanding how difficult it might be for you and your DCs.

Your parents also wanted to treat the other children and grandchildren and so have stuck with their original plan and that is fine.

Its sad that you and your family will miss out on a big get-together, but that's just how it is for that particular situation.

Just move on and look forward to the next visit which , ok , is likley to be a little farther in the future than it might have been.

YABU, selfish and entitled.

I really feel for your parents.

And I'm not great at geography, but how can Vegas be a halfway point between Australia and Florida

You say in one paragraph that their health & age are getting in the way of visiting you.

In the next you are annoyed that your father wants to travel to Florida because he has always wanted to go there, but seem to forget that due to health, this may be his only chance to do so.

The simple fact is, op, is that they are paying. If Florida has always been his dream, who are you to deny him that?

My father didn't meet my dd2 until we went on holiday to visit him last year. She was 5.

It won't hurt your children not to see them. It is the price you pay for emigrating (I did it too, so am not judging). So far NO ONE has been to visit us. I have missed births, traumas & special birthdays. It is hard. But I choose this, not anyone else & I can't expect people to change their lives for me.

YABU. You chose to move to the other side of the world, and must have known/realises that at some point it would mean sacrifices had to be made on your part. I have relatives there but I won't ever go as I am terrified of spiders, not a fan of flying or intense heat, so I'd hate it; plus the 2k flights cost! Most of our family feel the same; those who chose to move there just have to deal with that as it was their choice.

misterkite

I don't know where the op is, but flight time Sydney to Florida is 19 hrs.

Sydney to LV is 15

Not half way, but closer

I'm sure you could have a great holiday in Vegas or Thailand with children, or a great holiday in Florida without children.

But it is quite odd when the GPs are suggesting a destination that is known as a great place for children, the OP suggests alternatives that are mostly known as adult destinations. So chalk and cheese that it would create a completely different vibe to the whole big family holiday thing.

Is the OP playing games?

You chose to move to the other side of the world, and must have known/realises that at some point it would mean sacrifices had to be made on your part

In ops defence, you now what...you really don't think of the sacrifices when you emigrate, not totally! I came knowing that I could live without x,y,z in my life.
But

I didn't even think about when x had her first baby.
I didn't even think about what would happen when y realised she couldn't have any & needed me.
Or how I will feel when my father gets ill through age.

You just don't think of it. You are so consumed with starting this new life & all the excitement that goes with it, as well as all the hard work it takes.

You don't think about it until it happens. And until you can't afford to do anything about it. So you just live with it. I do feel for the op, because I have been there, I am there, but I know that it was my choice & I have to live with that!

Growlithe

Agree, I wouldn't take my dc to Thailand or LV!

Smart move would be to travel via Samoa, I would have thought.
That's 6hr and 14 hr legs, Sydney to Orlando.
And the long leg is actually 2 hours less than the flight into Vegas

I think you should do everything you can to make the Florida trip, as it means so much to your mum and dad. You can stop off on the way there and back to break the journey if you need to.

Yabu.

They pay, they choose

OP will probably come back when she wakes up, it must be the middle of night there.

I'd be interested to hear how her Parents reacted when her and dh made the decision to move to Oz, I agree there must be a back story.

Thanks for all the responses. different I hear what you are saying. It is harder than I thought. My DD was born with a hole in the heart and was very sick for the first few months of her life, and there was no family here - that was the hardest thing I have EVER been through and I couldn't have predicted that.

My DH family is in the UK too and they visit twice a year, which I think makes it all the more hard. (My DH and his family often bitch about how lacking mine are for not wanting to be here and it HURTS).

My parents go on holiday several times a year in the UK and Europe with my siblings families.

I am listening and taking on board what everyone is saying. I KNOW it was my choice to leave and maybe I am being entitled. I guess I just want my parents (and my siblings) to want to be with us, but I don't want to guilt trip them at all. I will make sure they go away with my blessing (not that they need it).

Oh, and as for the Vegas thing. When I mentioned that it was VERY quickly dismissed by my parents. I said can we please consider a halfway point - wherever that may be - and they said 'it's florida or nothing'. My geography is crap, clearly, but I was just throwing some ideas at them with the aim being that the flight wasn't so far for my DCs. I really don't understand how people can think the time duration of a flight wouldn't matter?

I'm sorry, but I'm another one who thinks YABU.
Although I can completely see where you're coming from. You're upset because you want to see the GP's (understandably) and don't see why they can't accommodate the fact it's not that easy to just get on a long plane journey.
It's not about just seeing people for them though, is it? You said yourself that it's always been a dream for them to take the kids to Florida.
They're now in a position where they can afford to fly everybody out there and finally realise the dream.
If they don't do it now, then in all probability they're thinking "if we don't do it now, we'll never do it." As in, when they've got the money and the health to do it. We all know how easy it is to put things off 'for another day' only for it to never happen.
They're being proactive and DOING it while they can.
It's upsetting and unfortunate that you feel you can't go though. That's unfortunately the way it is, though. It's not their fault. Should they not do their dream just because you won't go?
That's not fair on everyone else. Why not have an overnight stop somewhere halfway to break up the flight?
If you can get on a plane to places like Thailand and Las Vegas (not child friendly like Florida!) then they'll be thinking surely a little bit longer won't hurt if you can go that far.

x post, she's up!

Was your relationship with your parents been tricky before you left the UK?

Yabvu.

My in laws are in Australia and we don't see them very often. Its a very long way!

YAB massively U. Regardless of the fact that your DH's parents visit, you are the ones who chose to move to the other side of the world. Your parents have offered what sounds like a wonderful opportunity to get together for a lovely family holiday (mind you, are family holidays lovely??) and just because they are not jumping to your tune you are annoyed with them.

You can't really play the SN card regarding the plane journey as you said a 13 hour flight would be ok...13 hours....23 hours......both long flights so if you can do one you can do the other.

If you feel so strongly about them seeing their grand children then move back to the UK.

FWIW, my parents moved to Spain a few years ago now. They have missed out massively on a relationship with their GC but at the end of the day it was what they chose to do......sad but up to them. And that's only Spain. When my mum was dying they did move back as she wanted to be near us all but my dad is back out there now.

You Yes our relationship was tricky. They were wonderful, loving parents when I was young but when I had my first DC they weren't very supportive. I was surprised and disappointed by the lack of interest and support they gave me with my two young DCs when I was in the UK and that, I think, was partly why I found I was able to emigrate. They very much had the attitude of, 'we've had our kids, you are on your own'..

I am the eldest and since I have left I hear of all the support and interest they show my DN's, which is something my DCs never had. I guess that is making this sting all the more.