To be upset with my parents

[embracethemuffintop]

When I just had 2DCs I emigrated to Oz with my DH. This was nearly a decade ago. I have since gone on to have 2 more DCs. We don't have a lot of money but we are very happy. 2 DCs have special needs and all are homeschooled.

My DM and DF have tried to visit us every few years but many things have got in the way their end - health usually (they are in their 60s). Anyway, they haven't visited for 3.5 years and have never met my youngest DD. They know we can't afford to take my DCs on so long a flight, and also it would be very traumatic for my DS. I have 2 siblings still in the UK with 5DCs between them, and my DM and DF invited all our families out to Florida for a holiday that they would pay for. A lovely offer, but I refused because I knew my DCs would not do well with the 23 hour flight from Oz. I suggested a halfway point - Las Vegas, Thailand, etc so that none of the kids had to cope with such a long journey. My siblings were very keen but my DM and DF were very miffed that I even suggested it and basically said the offer is for Florida only as that is where my DF has always dreamt of taking us all (they have always loved it there). So we politely declined. Some months later I got an email to say that they are all going to go without us, and that due to the huge expense of the holiday (they are paying for both of my brothers families to fly and the accommodation), they would have to reduce their visits to Australia to see my DCs.

AIBU to think that, considering my parents see their GC every day in the UK and my siblings are very financially well-off and do not need a 'free' holiday, that it is unfair on my DCs for my parents to make such an offer and for my siblings to accept it?

They think that they have every right to go where they want and pay for whoever they want. They also feel that I chose to emigrate so they shouldn't be penalised for that.

diddl - totally agree. They are within their rights to just not want to, but I think there may be more to it that they don't want to explain.

I feel really sorry for the grandparents. If any of my kids were to emigrate, the thing I would want most of all would be a chance to get my whole family together.
They have probably been dreaming and planning for this trip for years. Saved for it, gone without for it. They have already visited you in Oz several times. You, probably through circumstances, have never got on a plane to see them, citing money as the reason. So they decide to pay, yet STILL there is some spurious barrier. It must look to them like you aren't bothered about seeing them at all
Very hurtful imo

OP, please don't fall out with your parents over this. They have a dream and are being stubborn about it but they're getting older and I've found that older people sometimes are more stubborn/prone to speaking their mind on things.

You can compromise a little no ?

You're willing to fly to Vegas with the 4 dc, or so you say in your OP.

Vegas is only a 5 hour flight from Orlando (which is where I'm guessing you're going to end up in Florida). If the children, and I'm thinking of your 2 with SN here mainly, can manage a 13 hour flight to Vegas could you not rest overnight in Vegas and fly a much shorter distance on the next day to Florida ?

Please don't cut off your nose to spite your face as your parents won't be around forever.

It's surely a win-win option. Your father gets his dream which will presumably also make your mum happy. Your siblings and nephews/nieces get a fabulous paid for family holiday, as do you and your family. Your kids get to go on holiday and bond with family they rarely see and you get to break the journey up with an overnight stop in Vegas.

Please don't waste the opportunity, yes it'll be a challenge but once you arrive at your main destination you'll have GP's on hand to help out and cousins for your kids to play with. You'll no doubt need to prepare your 2 with SN as much as you can before the date of departure but honestly don't let your pride get in the way of back-tracking a little and perhaps saying you've had time to research it more now and will give it a try.

I am in the situation of having a parents who treat us three children and numerous grandchildren every other year to a family get together holiday and a brother who when they first offered some years ago waded in and said "but I this"......"but we that." .... "oh and and and...." because he and his wife are busy important people compared to the rest of us and it's so much harder for them to do this or that etc what with daughter's sporting commitments and son's SN and so on and so on. Dad was immovable and they now join in without a murmur each time.

mrsoakenshield I think some people just think its odd that the op is prepared to take the long haul flight to Vegas, but not to go on another 4 hours to Florida.

They will all know that Vegas is not that far from florida, and that it is certainly not child friendly.

That may have annoyed them.

Also, why should everyone else have to come on holiday to you, that's not fair on everyone else.

I used to have a family member who lived far away at a holiday destination. I hated visiting as the SIL. We could not stand each other, she was a stuck up cow and we didn't get on at all, and yet there was an expectation that we would visit her every year on holiday. I hated it. It wasn't a holiday for me. It was on her turf and in her space and I hated it and it spoilt my whole holiday and made me dread it.

Much better to take everyone off to a neutral destination like Florida.

You emigrate, don't come to visit them, and when they offer a fabulous dream holiday so that you can see all your family in the ultimate family destination, you suggest that they travel further, presumably paying more, to go to a worse place.

I think it's up to you to make it work. Most families would have torn their hand off. Your only issue is the travel, which isn't insurmountable.

YABVU, you moved thousands of miles away knowing it meant your children would have very little contact with their grandparents. Of course the local grandchildren will be far closer and spend more time with them but the siblings are the ones likely to be caring for them in old age as you wont be able to help your parents.

Spitting your dummy out as you dont want to travel for the holiday so therefore everybody else should either not go or change their destination is very childish. You dont cancel something because one person says they are not attending. Its a shame you couldnt put yourself out and do this for your parents given you expect them to put themselves out financially and time wise every few years to see you.

The flight is a red herring, thousands travel with SN children every year. You could splt the flight, ask the doctor for coping stratergies etc. The world does not revolve around you and what you want, others have a say too.

"My husband says I have to go on holiday to visit his sister. We don't get on her ideas about child rearing are the polar opposite to mine and I feel like she's constantly looking down her nose at me. It makes me anxious and I'm having palpitations at the thought. He says I have to go and that's our only holiday this year I can like it or lump it. She can't come here because her children aren't good on the plane. But our DD isn't great either.

His parents offered to take us all to florida bit his sister doesnt want to do that so the in-laws and DH are all saying we have to go there as it might be FIL and MIL last holiday.

Wwyd?"

I've worded that poorly.

I don't think OPs parents are unjustified at all to not want to make two long haul flights in a year, but the wording choice in the email has obviously made OP bristle as age has just seen it as 'you won't do what we want, so we won't do what you want'. It's not really a tit for tat situation.

Spottypurse We don't get on her ideas about child rearing are the polar opposite to mine and I feel like she's constantly looking down her nose at me.

You may be onto something there. Why did the OP mention homeschooling. What did that have to do with anything?

Growlithe - I've been the awkward SIL who went along, hated it, I was forced into it and I used to be in tears in the bathroom or bedroom. My attitude stunk because I didn't want to be there at all. I absolutely hated it.

The OP has no idea if something like that has happened with family in the UK and so her parents have decided to take everyone off somewhere neutral. Stuck with in-laws on in-laws territory is my idea of hell. I've done it I'd never ever do it again

I wonder about the home schooling in a different way - the OP is an immigrant, home schooling SAHM with two dc with sn and very little money.

She is likely to be quite isolated and maybe lacking in confidence re. coping with the flights and an unfamiliar destination. I wonder if the peculiar (non child-friendly) alternative suggestions were places she has been before?

I hope I am wrong and the OP has a great support network where she is.

I wasn't even suggesting anything about the homeschooling. I was just remembering my experience. It's hard enough to go on holiday with family, and putting it on one persons "territory" makes it worse.

As I said, I've done it, been the horrible person who didn't want to join in with all the jolly japes. It was a nightmare. I'm actually feeling sick remembering it, it makes me that anxious.

The OP might do well to consider that might be a factor. If my ex-husband
Had stuck up for me and said no, it would have made such a difference to our marriage. He didn't though.

Also, if none of the family have seen the OP's children for a few years, they won't really understand about their additional needs. My mother didn't believe that DD would vomit on a short car journey until she took her to the zoo and 20 mins in to the drive was looking for a sick bag.

I just remembered, i found this a few weeks ago. A guide to help an autistic child travel on a plane:

www.dublinairport.com/gns/at-the-airport/autism-asd.aspx

Could you do something similar? I know it's the confined spaces you mentioned as a problem but I thought it might help.

How would you feel if this was your parent's last long haul flight? Would you find a way to go? If there's several years between each trip, I would be doing everything I could to meet up with them and take the opportunity.

''why should everyone else have to come on holiday to you, that's not fair on everyone else.''

OP isn't asking that everyone go to Oz. She's said she cant do 23 hours on a plane with DN kids (no word about stopovers - but maybe that's not on offer from the GPs) and that she has suggested alternative destinations.

I think the offer of Vegas has spoiled your argument though, OP. (if you're even still reading) Vegas is not that far from Florida.

If you don't want to take your SN children on a flight at all that is up to you of course. It is U of you to expect the rest of the family not to go, however.

My beef is still with the GPs also, though, for the guilt trippy email.

I know DD and her vomit is nothing like ASD. I'm just trying to explain.

not DN kids - SN kids.

You aren't BU not to take your DCs if you don't think they can manage the flight - but you've undermined that position yourself by offering to go to Vegas instead (completely unsuitable for children and only 4 hours from Florida) so I wouldn't be surprised if your family now think you are being completely U about the whole plane issue.

I do think your parents are perfectly entitled to plan and pay for a family holiday to a place of their choosing and YABU to think you should muscle in and start dictating how they spend your money.

I think your parents are BU to actively rub your noses in the fact that they've spent loads of money on the Florida trip so you can forget about seeing them in Australia any time soon (I wonder if the Vegas thing has REALLY got their backs up?). And I wonder how, when they have theoretically saved the money they would have spent on return tickets for six of you from Australia to Florida, they don't have that money to spend on return flights for two to Australia. But ultimately you did choose to emigrate and you can't just dictate that other people should pick up the tab for the associated costs. Being so far (in time/cost/effort) from family is the big drawback (or for some people the big advantage of emigrating and something you took on voluntarily.

I think the email depends on context. It depends on what emails have been going back and forward.

Love these threads with everyone bickering and the OP loooooong gone

spotty this is true.

I think there is more to all this.

yummymumtobe

But whether YOU think Florida is nice or not is irrelevant. It is the grandparents "dream" to go there with their children and grandchildren. Many people DO like Florida. It is a huge area. i am assuming it is Orlando and the theme parks - granted the area is not overly great outside of the parks, for me personally, but I can most definitely see the lure of theme parks there. I have been and love them. I can most definitely see the appeal for taking the children there - definitely.

The alternative suggestions were nothing like Disney, Florida. Vegas is not a child centred holiday. I have been and we enjoyed it. My DD was 8y and she too had a great time (we went for a wedding hence going) but the main attractions are not aimed at children and the intense heat, noise and the bustle inside , etc would not really be autistic-friendly either imo . Thailand - lovely as it is - is also not the same if you were thinking of a holiday of theme parks and child centred stuff.

You probably wouldn't get the 'kids go free' deals that the Florida theme parks offer in those other destinations either. So Florida maybe allot cheaper for a big group?