to ask why is it frowned upon to remember things some posters' say

[fluckered]

without actually doing a search, why is it not ok to perhaps ask a poster who previously posted for example "I have twin boys both starting school son" who then asks for advice on how to adopt for example as they don't have children .... "hang on a second, I thought you said last week you have twin boys". why is this frowned upon? people are accused of doing advanced searches when some people actually have a good memory or remember a thread as it resounded more for them than others ... and are asked "eh, what has that to do with this thread". am genuinely asking. wouldn't be for someone following a poster around and tearing shite out of everything they post ... but why cant a poster's posting history be questioned if there are obvious inconsistencies?!

as Judge Judy would say you don't need a good memory if you tell the truth

Does she say that? I've only watched her a few times but she's very wise. Harsh, but wise.

I clearly remember resolving never to lie again (much) aged nine when I made up an elaborate story to impress a friend. It was all about how I'd gone on holiday to an exotic place with another friend.

I was really envious of the exotic-holiday-friend and knew enough about the place to convince my other friend. But obviously not enough to convince my mum who, when my friend brought it up, said: 'Really? I think Limited's a bit confused.'

It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I can remember exactly where I was when it happened.

My mum was right, of course. It's better to tell the truth, and be more careful about who you spill your guts to in general.

Funny, really, because my mum is quite fond of reinventing the past. And my George Washington-type honesty has made me unpopular from time to time too.

But these days when I see lies on here and in real life I ignore them because it's not just the liar you're unpopular with when you call it.

There have been times when someone says something and I know she's lying and she knows I know. There's an awkward pause and we go on. And I try not to be with them again.

Other people don't like it either because rightly or wrongly they think you're a bully. And sometimes they're in denial about the person too and just want to believe.

It's a bit of a sad state all round.

and Turkish delights are the work of the devil I tell ye!

When you're asking for advice, it's perfectly valid not to give too much of a back story, it's perfectly valid to give your problem, then seek solution ideas.

On the other hand, it's often impossible not to drip feed. It's also perfectly reasonable to have multiple posts that can seem inconsistent...

YANBU to think that remembering previous posts and threads is a bad thing (quite the contrary, good advice often relies on knowing the big picture) but, sometimes, it is also NBU to not relate posts to each other. To solve a problem as it's written in that particular thread.

I think there's a happy fluffy middle ground, and I think it's a question of individual judgement.

In my life, there are problems that crop up that are unrelated to others, there are problems that have very much linked to others too... I will not be made to feel pressured into my life story when seeking a straw poll idea of a solution (and that is all one can ever hope for on a site that loathes drip feeders and long posts really isn't it?) but I do try to keep things simple.

I'm not sure what IS reasonable, not when you've posted before and therefore have a 'history'... I think forgiveness all round would be a good place to start, coupled with an acknowledgement from everyone involved that posts have memories!

I hate Double Deckers.

I've had a poster in the past moan at a couple of other posters and me for NOT bothering to read up on their previous posts and taking their current thread at face value. Seems you can't win!

I agree with what Turtle said:

'I'm not sure what the official stance is but my feelings on it are that if someone is posting on this forum, it's usually for advice and support and I don't think 'catching someone out' for being unthruthful is very conducive to providing this for them. ...
I don't feel that rounding on a poster and accusing them of being deciteful shows much compassion and I feel that if there are genuine concerns for the wellbeing of the op there are better ways of handling it than 'outing' them.'

not very constructive of you either tbf

fluckered, it's very constructive. reading about and posting about someone elses circumstances on MN is not compulsory.

Yes it can be infuriating, but really, just step away.

It's their shit life, not yours. Detatch.

Do they still make DoubleDeckers? I did like them but they were a bit rich so I'd only eat half and would carefully save the other half for the next day. Another reason why I'm my mum's favourite child

I had a serious Flake Praline habit a few years ago but have kicked it.

I now realise I'm very vulnerable to anyone who wants to call me on the thread where I said I didn't like chocolate very much.

So if someone posts "I have just driven from London to Glasgow in 34 minutes" you can't express disbelief.

This I struggle with. I've got two telling offs for troll hunting from MNHQ (one wholly earned, one extremely petty IMO)

Amber makes a very useful distinction. Between:

1 Having a shit time/in denial/minimising as a way of coping/needing support not judgement.

2 posting varying made up bollocks to elicit attention.

I don't put the 'Mum and the designer dress' thread which I assume inspired this thread firmly in the first category, that poster clearly needed help.

The second category exist as a protected species on AIBU and in my opinion will be the ruination of AIBU as a source of support. People here are hugely giving of their time, advice and resources here. If it becomes infested with trolls (as they know it is a safe haven for them as anyone challenging them will be deleted) everyone will suffer and begin to be treated suspiciously, because these emotional vampires are given free reign. Plus you get all these goady twats putting up AIBUs about a family they've heard of who've got 7 cars, 20 goats and 50ft plasma despite being on benefits.

What is described as 'troll hunting' eventually shut down two of the most emotionally exploitative and vile threads on MN. The first one was the poster whose parents had been killed in the Zeebrugge ferry disaster and had been cheated out of her inheritance by a wicked Uncle and another where a 15 year old relative of the poster had been orphaned and was about to be made homeless and at the last minute, lo and behold her dying mother had transferred the tenancy to her (despite it being impossible as she was a child and she hadn't given her consent) and all was saved.

It was posters with specialist knowledge of the benefits system, the law, adoption, housing and social services who said: 'this cannot be happening in the way that you describe it as it is illegal/the system doesn't work like that' that helped others to twig that the poster shouldn't be taken at face value.

No, you're not because that's troll hunting. Report the poster.

Kim it's me, innit? I'm one big ironic contradiction...

Okay, that took me way too long to write...

I remember that housing/15 yr old one Composhat. I remember posting on it.

I agree that posting something like 'it doesn't work like that' shouldn't be regarded as troll hunting.

On another forum I frequent (yes, there are other worlds out there! ) there is an "Anonymous User" function. If you have a sensitive or personal issue to raise, you message one of the moderators and ask if you can use the "Anon" function to start the thread, and they enable it for you. It doesn't get used that often - maybe once or twice a month - but all posts which use the function show up as "Anon" regardless of who the actual poster is/was.

About two years after the function was introduced, a long-standing FM suddenly posted on an "Anon" thread along the lines of "hang on OP, last month you said you were having doubts about getting married because your partner wants kids and you don't, now you say you're thinking of leaving your husband of twenty years. What's going on here?"

Yup, they thought "Anon" was the same person

And on that note...Twix. A kingsize Twix. I want a Twix and I want it now!

@Oblomov

MN Helen ; "accuse the OP of being false" = against MN guidelines. See, I hate this. I have a problem with this. I don't think its fair or right.

I have seen threads like this. Many times, over the years. And sometimes the poster gets well and truly caught out. But we're not allowed to say that?

The reason we have this rule of troll hunting is to protect posters. It may be satisfying on the odd occasion where a troll is caught out on a thread, but without the techy wangdoodles that MNHQ have, there's no way to know for certain whether someone is a troll (and we don't always get it right either). And if you don't know for certain, you're accusing a poster who is looking for advice of lying.

Unfortunately, this has happen enough times for us to know that it really hurts people, so we really do think it's a useful and necessary rule to have.

What bliss said. I've been given a row for not knowing a poster's back story and just responding to their OP.

As for trolls, I'm with maryz etc. I love MN, but I'd love it even more if I didn't have to pretend to be a credulous fool when faced with errant nonsense.

I do also like anything that's chocolatey or chewy or both with little crunchy biscuits or honeycomb bits that aren't actually real honeycomb in it.

See, I don't agree with turtle.

On occasion, I think outing someone is o.k.

There have been threads where it made me really sad. Made my heart weep. And I posted support. And then it all turned out to be rubbish. And I felt like I had been 'had'. I thought it best to have a wee break from MN.

Surely it's not JUST Me to whom this has happened?

x posted with kate.

My mum always told me good liars need good memories.

Whilst we are talking about chocolate, I can't eat it. Not even one Jaffa cake or chocolate digestive. It gives me migraines. If that wasn't bad enough so does alcohol, even a shandy.

Oh Littlemiss, that is tragic

I also think that before people pile in / wrote something they know is contentious, they should step back and look at the thread in its entirety.

On threads I've seen (err, today!), the accumulative effect, with concerned tough talking posters, and stirring jump on the band wagoners, and the odd vindictive one... Well, nothing was helpful or nice about that.

It made me feel like posting on here is a Russian roulette of support vs assassination. Which makes me fear to ask for help or reveal anything about me, and mumsnet is my main source of support for things I couldn't possibly tell in rl

compos I recall the Zeebrugge one that went on for ages and was made up - for what reason, I don't know.

You're right in what you say. And IIRC people were getting angry when others started to question it. I didn't comment and can't see what real harm the poster did.

But I don't think people were wrong for calling it as a fantasy and the people who desperately wanted to believe made me tut more.

I have a big pack of Twixes and a big pack of KitKats in my fridge right now and I'm the only person in the house.

It's interesting reading all this as I found out a poster in a big fat lie just this week.

I do go back and look at people's histories if I think I remember their writing style, though of course often someone's name changed for several threads. That does piss me off when you have someone who tells all on a thread then a week later changes her name and posts exactly the same situation again.