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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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to think this child is too old to be exposing himself?

999 replies

JenniBoo · 05/08/2013 15:08

Bit of a back story... was delighted when a young family bought the house next door. After the previous elderly couple (who would complain about noise and balls going over the wall etc.,) I thought another young family would be a breath of fresh air and that their boys (8, 5 and 3) would play with my daughters (3yrs and 3 mths).

The first hint that they were not our sort of people became apparent almost immediately. They are both heavy smokers - they must smoke at least a pack a day - but instead of doing it in their house, they (and their friends) congregate on the porch- the smell wafts across into our garden and through the kitchen window. One day it was so bad, you could smell it in my baby's bedroom on the floor above! I asked them politely if they would mind smoking indoors or at the end of their garden - but they were completely unapologetic and said they couldn't do that because in the house if might affect THEIR children - and that at the end of the garden, they would get wet!

She seems to let her kids run wild - she is never in the garden with them, and the noise is something else. The other day I had to complain because they were throwing stones at each other - one flew across into our garden narrowly missing my baby, who was sleeping in the pram. I went across to complain but the mother couldn't have cared less. She lined them up and made them apologize, but she was all "boys will be boys" and you could tell she wasn't really sorry.

Today has been the final straw though. I came out to find both the younger boys exposing themselves to my older daughter. They had climbed onto their trampoline and were waving them at her. The older boy was there too, but was just laughing. I went round to the mother and told her. . The other mother told me I was "being stupid" and that "they are just little boys" and that I should "get over myself".

I don't think a 5 year old should be getting his willy out in public. Surely if he did that in the class at school he would be in huge trouble? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
babyboomersrock · 05/08/2013 16:34

Oh god...I said I wouldn't, but I'd missed this.

That's a very strange view babyboomers I think most people would accept that male or female, being silly and naked in their own back garden is not a big deal. Yes, a quiet word about not wiggling your vulva at the neighbours might be in order, but punishments and calling the police? Don't think so.

Punishments?? Calling the police?? What on earth made you say that? That didn't come from me at all. The quiet word is exactly what I'd have done. And I absolutely accept that being naked in one's own garden is normal - I said that earlier.

If my children had behaved like the neighbours' children, I'd have apologised on their behalf, and explained to mine that we don't do that. My attitude was always very "we all have willies/vulva...no big deal" - but that doesn't mean I'd have let them upset the child next door by removing their shorts to wave their bits at her.

2468BONJOVI · 05/08/2013 16:34

Seriously? Seriously?

OK the op is a bit charmless and "our sort of people" is very back-getting-up, but I can't believe you lot.

  • Passive smoking is nasty and dangerous. The neighbours know that smoke is horrible and harmful so they are keeping it as far from their own children as possible, ie, nearer to the OP's children. I am astonished that no one but the OP would be annoyed by this. Frankly I don't believe you.

  • stones nearly hitting tiny babies is horrible. I can see how this would happen but if were my tiny baby it would definitely have freaked me the hell out.

  • this is the one that really bugs me: "Why didn't you just tell your daughter to ignore and not look?"
The little boys are calling a girl's name and taking their willies out at her. This is completely different from bouncing around naked in the garden. This is actively transgressive and in fact aggressive. Yes it is different from a 5 year old than from an 8 year old or an 18 year old or a 50 year old, but it is a 5 year old version of something that will become threatening and creepy if they are not told why it is not ok. This is not funny remotely, and it is particularly disturbing that everyone thinks the OP should manage this by managing her daughter's behaviour. These 5 year olds know that willy-waving is embarrassing to the girl, and transgressive, and they are finding it funny that she finds it uncomfortable, and someone needs to tell these children that their behaviour is nasty before it is too late and they are 8, or 18, or 30, and really horrible entitled pieces of shit.
Summerblaze · 05/08/2013 16:35

I had a little girl just like yours at 3. She was sweet and calm and quiet.

Then I had a little boy who at 3 was definitely getting his willy out for a waggle. He is still doing it at nearly 6 and although he has some developmental delay, someone who didn't know him would never guess. When he needs a wee at school sometimes he gets it out on the way to the toilet. If a teacher sees, she tells him to put it away until he gets there. He does not get hauled down to see the headmaster or put on detention.

My sweet girl is now 9 and finds her brother willy waggling hilarious. Plus other things that are quite frankly gross.

You will not get this while you have small girls. Older girls and boys are love this sort of thing.

YABU, although the smoking thing is annoying. I used to live next to someone who smoked out of her back door and it went into the nursery in the floor above. I just kept his window shut while I had a baby in there.

maja00 · 05/08/2013 16:37

babyboomers - given the neighbours last attempt to have her children apologise to the OP went down so well, if I was her I'd have told the OP to get a grip and stop bothering me. There's only so many trivial complaints from the neighbours that people can take.

frogwatcher42 · 05/08/2013 16:37

But why should a person have to move away from their patio or close their window because of a neighbours behaviour.

It depends how much smoke is involved - the op mentions several people smoking at once and a lot. Assuming it is a semi detached that would be in close proximity to the ops house. I am imagining an area like at the back of mine where there is very little wind movement and smoke stays around in a kind of smog. Once in a while would be fine - but if it is a lot I would hate it and think it really inconsiderate. Behind our house, if people smoke, it lingers and to be honest is the same as being indoors - especially if we have the umbrellas up.

If the ops house has alleyways, large gardens, decent air movement etc then I agree - op is moaning unnecessarily. But if not, maybe he/she has a point imo.

2468BONJOVI · 05/08/2013 16:39

I want to see the houses of all the people on this thread who are seeing it is no big deal. When people with big detached houses get all "what's the problem" about living next door to selfish twats, I always want to say "you try it".

maja00 · 05/08/2013 16:39

People smoke in their gardens. It happens. It's not going to kill anyone.

One of the problems with living in proximity to other people is that you will see/hear/smell them.

No, the OP doesn't have to step away or close a window, but if she doesn't want the horror of smelling some smoke, that's the option.

KellyElly · 05/08/2013 16:39

But why should a person have to move away from their patio or close their window because of a neighbours behaviour. But why should the smokers be asked to smoke in their home or move down the garden? They are doing something perfectly legal on their own property.

HeySoulSister · 05/08/2013 16:40

Op said the boys did it, she went round and spike to mum

Has it happened since?? Was it a 'one off'? Have the boys been spoken to?? We don't know.....

HeySoulSister · 05/08/2013 16:41

People are reacting as if the sm

maja00 · 05/08/2013 16:41

Seriously, this hysteria about passive smoking is insane! Smelling smoke outside from your neighbour's garden is not going to give you cancer.

HeySoulSister · 05/08/2013 16:42

Oops! People are reacting as if smoking is illegal!?

bearleftmonkeyright · 05/08/2013 16:43

Noone has said that this is behavior to be praised. Not one poster has said that. Noone knows what the mother has said to her boys. But to demonize two small boys for one act of silliness and to read so much into it is not a very balanced reaction is it?

Lagoonablue · 05/08/2013 16:43

Plant a fast growing Leylandi?

frogwatcher42 · 05/08/2013 16:44

Kelly - they should move away because the smoke doesn't stay on their property. It is only considerate to do something that could affect others in the least intrusive way.

I wonder how many people saying the op is being unreasonable re the smoke, would be the first to complain if their neighbour had bonfires 10 times a day. Just small ones in an incinerator on the patio - but enough to make them keep their windows shut and not be able to hang out their washing.

Surely it is the same thing.

2468BONJOVI · 05/08/2013 16:44

Fuck cancer, smoke is disgusting.

maja00 · 05/08/2013 16:45

Slight difference between a cigarette and an incinerator Grin

Think we're getting slightly hysterical again...

frogwatcher42 · 05/08/2013 16:46

God - I am so pleased I have considerate neighbours. This thread makes me realise how inconsiderate people can be.

frogwatcher42 · 05/08/2013 16:47

Maja - how is it different. By incinerator I mean a little garden one used to burn a bit of rubbish. No difference at all. We use a tiny one to burn statements and the like.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 05/08/2013 16:47

2468

Neighbours smoking in their own garden doesnt, and wouldnt bother me in the slightest. Not one bit, none.

Stone nearly hitting baby - yea not great, but an accident.

Its a 5 y/o's willy. 5. To put this in perspective it was only a mere 5 years ago that this child was born, and a merer 5 years and 9 months that he was just a bunch of cells. I am fairly sure that most males of 18+ know that they shouldn't get their knobs out in public, if they do its absolutely not because as a 5 y/o they wafted their penis at a girl next door and had a bit of a childish giggle about it. How bizarre!

PiratePanda · 05/08/2013 16:47

2468 I don't think anyone has said the smoking is "no big deal", but rather pointed out that however annoying to the OP a) it is better for their children that they smoke outside and she is being VU for suggesting they smoke inside b) she could close the windows if she finds it that objectionable and c) there is absolutely nothing she can do about it whatever the rights and wrongs so she needs to let it drop.

Frankly the OP is also appallingly judgemental about people who smoke too, which isn't going down well either.

and I'm also wondering whether there's a bit of ye olde puppetry going on here

KellyElly · 05/08/2013 16:48

Think we're getting slightly hysterical again... Indeed!

Maryz · 05/08/2013 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frogwatcher42 · 05/08/2013 16:48

Maja - who, and how, is anybody getting hysterical? I really haven't seen that. I think anybody agreeing with anything the op has said is being demonised as being hysterical when in fact they are just saying that the behaviour is inconsiderate.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee · 05/08/2013 16:49

and yea, my house is fucking massive Hmm

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