Thank goodness you mentioned the children FrussoHathor!
I want you all to know, I really did listen carefully to all your advice, and I suppose I really must have really quite different expectations to most parents, and I have previously had 360 feedback that says I tend to impose my world view on others, so I went,not just cap in hand (but with wine and my signature pesto and tomato canapes) ready to make the peace.
So, we ring the bell at precisely 9.36pm, because their children apparently aren't in bed until 9.30pm and they wouldn't be free until then. So "Charming Dad" here after refered to as CD opens the door, and his welcoming remark is "Oh, I thought we said 9.30?".
Then he asks us if we mind removing our shoes. Before you stamp on me, it was not a religious thing - or a cultural one either afaik anyway. Nor was it new carpets, because the place is pretty much as the previous owners left it - interior design circa 1973. So we're a bit taken back, and we stare at him confused - and he repeats it again... so I slip off my L K Bennett slingbacks, because I know I impose my world view on others too often, but I am thinking they are AS MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS..
I hand over my tray of delectable treats, and offer the not 1, but 2!! bottles of lovely wine - ok, I know it was on offer, but it is still nice wine... and off he trots to the kitchen, and we're ushered into the sitting room where Charming Mum (hereafter referred to as CM is already sitting on the floor apparently doing some sort of stretching routine. And she doesn't stop. Instead she moans on in huge detail about how middle DS has been constipated, but how he finally managed a "total clear out" that contained pieces of sweetcorn from a meal he consumed 2 days ago. From the corner of my eye, I can see DH going steadily greener. tbh he does have issues, as he can't even bear to talk about sperm, let alone the more pungent bodily fluids - and has never changed a nappy in my life... this can only end badly....
I can only imagine he might retch when offered one of the little caviar bites... BUT IT IS WORSE THAN THAT! When CD does reappear, the canapes are no where in sight. In fact, despite sitting there for an excruciating 84 minutes, and having turned up with at least £15 worth (in ingredients, I mean) of little bites, we are not offered as much as a dry roasted nut. Nor, such I hasten to add, a drink. Nothing. Nada. After about 30 minutes I was starting to break and suggested brightly "well shall we try that wine I bought?" and CD said "Oh, I don't think so".
Instead, CD reappeared not with a glass of sparkling wine, but with a guitar. "Do you play?" he asked brightly, and when we said we didn't ???!!!?? he said that he didn't mind playing at all - as if a sing-song was what we had all signed up for. Then he did. 45 minutes solid. CM sang like a drowned cat the whole time and kept urging us to join in.
At one point CM caught me eyeing the door - I was thinking "how the fuck do I get out of here?". This was precisely 8 1/2 minutes into our evening. When she caught my eye, I reddened and mumbled something about thinking I had heard one of their children coming down. "oh no" said CD "they're locked in, so you can't have". "Locked in" my DH repleid stunned. Now before you all get shirty with me, we did ask and they assured us it was a parenting tip gleaned from a book by C Green that they'd bought several years ago in WH Smiths. It says that the best way to tackle bedtime misbehavior was to tie the door shut. When they'd adopted this approach apparently this had revolutionized their lives, because according to CD their boys can be "little shits". Fuck how I laughed when I heard that.
At precisely 10pm, DH stood up and said it was getting late,and we would have to be going. So we all stood there for 5 minutes exclaiming what a great evening it had been and how we would all love to do it again soon. OMG NEVER! We came home (baby sitter was devastated as we pay by the hour), and DH spent the next half hour googling C Green. Apparently he does exist and did indeed write a book that promotes locking small children in bedrooms. So he decided not to call SS or 999. Presumably the tide of opinion on MN is that that's just fine too - along with the stone throwing and willie waggling.
I had to drink a double vodka. Before anyone jumps on me, DD2 is sleeping through and bottle fed.
Glad the thread has entertained so many. Viewing today - the house I mean, was very positive, but DH has made me promise not to tell you about it, as he says that when making a massive purchase it is probably not sensible to speak in public about it... and I suppose he has a point!
Anyone for a glass of cava?