to think this child is too old to be exposing himself?

[JenniBoo]

Bit of a back story... was delighted when a young family bought the house next door. After the previous elderly couple (who would complain about noise and balls going over the wall etc.,) I thought another young family would be a breath of fresh air and that their boys (8, 5 and 3) would play with my daughters (3yrs and 3 mths).

The first hint that they were not our sort of people became apparent almost immediately. They are both heavy smokers - they must smoke at least a pack a day - but instead of doing it in their house, they (and their friends) congregate on the porch- the smell wafts across into our garden and through the kitchen window. One day it was so bad, you could smell it in my baby's bedroom on the floor above! I asked them politely if they would mind smoking indoors or at the end of their garden - but they were completely unapologetic and said they couldn't do that because in the house if might affect THEIR children - and that at the end of the garden, they would get wet!

She seems to let her kids run wild - she is never in the garden with them, and the noise is something else. The other day I had to complain because they were throwing stones at each other - one flew across into our garden narrowly missing my baby, who was sleeping in the pram. I went across to complain but the mother couldn't have cared less. She lined them up and made them apologize, but she was all "boys will be boys" and you could tell she wasn't really sorry.

Today has been the final straw though. I came out to find both the younger boys exposing themselves to my older daughter. They had climbed onto their trampoline and were waving them at her. The older boy was there too, but was just laughing. I went round to the mother and told her. . The other mother told me I was "being stupid" and that "they are just little boys" and that I should "get over myself".

I don't think a 5 year old should be getting his willy out in public. Surely if he did that in the class at school he would be in huge trouble? Am I being unreasonable?

Zut I've never really held with the boys will be boys thing, it's more 'children will attention seek' and that really is a phase that most children go through.
Children aren't dim, they know how to get a reaction and when they get it they obviously do it more because in their mind it's hilarious. Thats why I have always gone down the ignoring route and starving them of the reaction they are after with my own Ds and the young boys I have looked after in the past. It takes a bit of time and tongue biting but it does work.
As for when it becomes unacceptable? To my mind around 5ish is the time to be pulling them up on it. But not when it's actually going on, it needs to be talked about in a calm way at a different time.

I would erect a bamboo sereen along the boundary. Plant a fast growing buddlia it will obscure the view in two years ( they grow like crazy things) and help filter the smoke.

Nothing much else you can do except move house.

Everyone has gone bloody quiet now after my last post because no one wants to come back on and defend all the "boys will be boys" crap in the face of logic. So when exactly does it stop being fine and dandy to wave willies at people? If the man living next door came into his garden and said "Hey zut!" and then pulled his penis out of his shorts I think maybe I would call the police. Is that crazy? I think he is about 50.

Obviously Zut what you should do in these circumstances is giggle coquettishly and go "oohh Mister! That's a small one" That would show him

Surprised by some of the comments. I think willy waving is neither here nor there. If my children were in the garden trying to wind up my neighbours I would call them inside, whatever the sexes or ages of the people involved.

ZUT I don't know when they grow out of it , but maybe the same time a little girl realises its not socially acceptable to lie on the floor kicking and screaming because she didn't get her own way.? every young person learns to behave socially at different rates. I would say the behaviour talked about here is age appropriate as far as that learning goes.

Jennie. Who are you to demand another parent reads the riot act. The very fact that you now drop in that you suffer anxiety attacks must surely be a clue that you are over anxious? How on earth could three children this age could through stones over a five foot fence directly at someone over the other side ?

If the next doors dh has been round and told you she struggles and you have anxiety yourself why don't you use your far superior parenting skills to support not break her?

Jennni. You have no idea of the pressure of having 3 children that age. trust me one toddler and one baby is a walk in the park compared. All I can say is you'll earn!

Cjel I can see she is struggling, but she has 3 healthy kids. She elected to do that, I presume. I assume you have 3 lovely healthy kids too, or you wouldn't be whinging about the unbelievable ease of having anything less than 3 children... Don't be so bloody judgey - you have no idea whether my life is a walk in the park or not.

The term 'exposing himself' has very specific sexual connotations.

I would expect a 50 year old, dirty old git in a raincoat who had been caught flashing to be described as 'exposing himself'.

I would not expect to have my 5 and 3 year olds accused of 'exposing themselves' over silly behaviour which took place in their own back garden.

This thread is ridiculous! I would love to hear the response the OP gets from the Police when she calls to report a five year old boy 'exposing himself'

OP When we moved to our house a few years ago the first thing we did was plant hedging all the way round our garden. It's now grown into a lovely big thick barrier from whatever sights and sounds any neighbours may like to have going on in their gardens! I know you probably don't want to wait that long, but in the mean time you could put up a high fence or trellis and grow some mile-a-minute up it.

As for the stones - people have been telling me I am disgusting for implying the boys threw the stone AT my daughter... but they did. No they were throwing stones AT each other as you well know. The other day I had to complain because they were throwing stones at each other - one flew across into our garden narrowly missing my baby, who was sleeping in the pram. You are just tweaking the story to get people on your side rather then them thinking you are ridiculous and hysterical, like the majority of the posters on here think you are. If children are kicking a ball to each other and the ball hits a random person by accident, it doesn't mean they were kicking it AT the person does it.

I would also like to know at one point a child getting its penis out and deliberately showing it to female children of a similar age becomes unacceptable.

Cos you see, I have always brought up my own son to think it was more or less always unacceptable.

Its alright for you to be bloody judgey of your neighbour though isn't it?

And you posted onAIBU.
I have large family, and run a todder group and mentor teenagers so what? Am not the one whinging!! Have 5 grandchildren 17 nieces and nephews some with 4 or 5 siblings and 13 great nieces and nephews!!! Don't know what that's go to do with he fact that you clearly think you are right and everyone else who offers an opinion (that you asked for) are wrong. attacking me now isn't going to make you any more reasonable is it?
It is clear you are struggling and people are trying to point that out to you but you come up with more justifications for your behaviour.

I would also like to know at one point a child getting its penis out and deliberately showing it to female children of a similar age becomes unacceptable

This sentence sums up exactly what is wrong with some people on this thread. Your thinking is completed weird and skewed.

At age 5 and 3, I would tell my children to stop waving their willies about if I saw them doing it where neighbours could see.
The fact that the 3 year old neighbour is female is neither here nor there. The fact that you make such a big deal out of 'female children' is weird. 3 and 5 years olds are generally unconcerned by gender. There is no sexual agenda, which posts such as yours imply.

I'm sorry Cjel - I'm just laughing at you for thinking that having three little boys look after constitutes a tough deal in life

:) :) :)

The fact that you make such a big deal out of 'female children' is weird. 3 and 5 years olds are generally unconcerned by gender.

LOL - said no 3 to 5 year old EVER!

I really do think that your reaction is key to this if you're not getting any joy out of the parents.
Do you shout or stay calm? Keep your tone neutral if you can, wrt to the stone throwing "could you be careful please, you almost hit the baby" and invite them to come and have a look at her. "Can you keep the noise down a bit please boys, the baby's sleeping".
I know I already said this but ignore the willies. DS's phase was thankfully only a couple of weeks. Thinking back to what stopped it was when he got it out and me and DH started talking about something else, didn't even look at him and then walked away. He may well have felt rather silly stood there with it hanging out and no audience. It never happened again anyway! Oh and he's now 12 years old and has not turned into a yobbish pre teen who pesters girls.

Balls may be made for playing with, but have you never heard of creative play? children since for ever have made toys out of whatever they have to hand. They are not malicious they are not attacking your family they are very very normal children!!!! They weren't throwing 'around your children' they were playing in their own garden

If the fence was 5 feet high then how did they know there was a new born in the vicinity?

But yes, I would have been cross about the stone coming over the fence. And I would expect that it to happen ever again after I had complained.

But it is becoming increasingly obvious that you are thinking of these boys ' behaviour as sexual. Which is deeply weird. They should be told to stop if they are being pains in the neck. Whatever they are doing. But they are "not" being perverts. Which is your implication.

I never said that I said you have no idea what its like as you only have a toddler and a baby. Think you'll find you are the one giving people a laugh this morning not me

Op - just relax.

The fact that no one responded to you in a 5 mionute windo (of your choosing) does not mean that we are now feeling daft and realisuing you have in fact been right all along.

boys will be boys. children will be children. these were two very young children playing in their own garden. they were being boisterous and your dd reacted to that. (albeit that she would only have seen them by actually trying to).

you seem to think their mother should be monitoring their behaviour 100% of the time. - that she made them apologise to you for the stones is a great sign that she is a responsible mother.

seriously. they are very little. they were being boisterous and daft. something i would have mentioned very casually to her over the fence - that you marched round and ranted to the extent that she was upset is odd. that all 4 adults need now to sit down and discuss this on a friday night is bizarre - you think you're going to discuss their children's behaviour but your neighbours will want to discuss your behaviour - are you aware of that?

Oh and children are only concerned with gender at an early age if the parents push their own prejudices and ideals onto them btw, do you have much experience of young children apart from your own?

Today's drip feed - anxiety attacks.

Any bets on 'drip of the day' for tomorrow?

Your latest point on yobbishness is unpleasant.

My suspicion especially given the visit of her husband is that she is a perfectly normal mum doing her best with three lively boys. Your complaints and the implications of inadequate parenting have probably really upset her.

No you didn't Cjel. You said "Jennni. You have no idea of the pressure of having 3 children that age. trust me one toddler and one baby is a walk in the park compared."

I think you're quite clearly comparing having 3 small boys with have a 2 smaller girls, and judging one to be much easier than the other. However, as I said, you have no idea about the pressures, stresses and strains in my life.

If you think looking after 3 little boys is SO tough, maybe that explains why you consider it so unreasonable that I expect them to be under control?

As for at what age is unacceptable to show your willie, the OP stated the 8yo didn't join in so he is already aware of the boundaries.
We don't know if the mum didn't tell the boys off for the willie waving, all we know is that she didn't do it in full view of the OP.
The stone throwing was dealt with, OP says: 'She lined them up and made them apologize' but apparently OP could see she wasn't really sorry

It's going to be an interesting conversation on Friday, OP as the victim v her neighbours who can't do anything right.

seriously. they are very little. they were being boisterous and daft. something i would have mentioned very casually to her over the fence - that you marched round and ranted to the extent that she was upset is odd. that all 4 adults need now to sit down and discuss this on a friday night is bizarre - you think you're going to discuss their children's behaviour but your neighbours will want to discuss your behaviour - are you aware of that?

I'm happy to consider anything she has to say. I think if she can't control the kids, we could usefully discussing raising the height of the boundary fence.