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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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to think this child is too old to be exposing himself?

999 replies

JenniBoo · 05/08/2013 15:08

Bit of a back story... was delighted when a young family bought the house next door. After the previous elderly couple (who would complain about noise and balls going over the wall etc.,) I thought another young family would be a breath of fresh air and that their boys (8, 5 and 3) would play with my daughters (3yrs and 3 mths).

The first hint that they were not our sort of people became apparent almost immediately. They are both heavy smokers - they must smoke at least a pack a day - but instead of doing it in their house, they (and their friends) congregate on the porch- the smell wafts across into our garden and through the kitchen window. One day it was so bad, you could smell it in my baby's bedroom on the floor above! I asked them politely if they would mind smoking indoors or at the end of their garden - but they were completely unapologetic and said they couldn't do that because in the house if might affect THEIR children - and that at the end of the garden, they would get wet!

She seems to let her kids run wild - she is never in the garden with them, and the noise is something else. The other day I had to complain because they were throwing stones at each other - one flew across into our garden narrowly missing my baby, who was sleeping in the pram. I went across to complain but the mother couldn't have cared less. She lined them up and made them apologize, but she was all "boys will be boys" and you could tell she wasn't really sorry.

Today has been the final straw though. I came out to find both the younger boys exposing themselves to my older daughter. They had climbed onto their trampoline and were waving them at her. The older boy was there too, but was just laughing. I went round to the mother and told her. . The other mother told me I was "being stupid" and that "they are just little boys" and that I should "get over myself".

I don't think a 5 year old should be getting his willy out in public. Surely if he did that in the class at school he would be in huge trouble? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
insanityscratching · 05/08/2013 17:45

They aren't harassing they are trying to make your dd laugh. It's not at all sexual they are trying to make friends. I remember a little boy showing dd his willy on the way home from school, his dm was mortified, dd who has three brothers gave him the Hmm and said "I know you've all boys have them you know" but neither dd nor myself were offended

olidusUrsus · 05/08/2013 17:45

Yy BonJovi. You aren't alone in your thinking, nor are you babyboomer.

I agree the OP may not have been very tactful in her handling of the situation(s) but can we just make clear here that this is NOT two little boys playing in their garden naked (which no one sane has a problem with), it is two little boys deliberately exposing themselves to a little girl to purposely make her feel uncomfortable while being egged on by an older sibling. That is far, far away from innocent or explorative playing.

The suggestions that the daughter should just look away and ignore it are disgusting, it is not her fault they decided to single her out and show off.

JackieTheFart · 05/08/2013 17:45

OP I notice you've only picked up on BonJovi agreeing with you.

Willy waggling is hardly on a par with "nasty little boys barged about making horrible noises, pushing us over, pulling up our skirts, shrieking "GERROFF THE PITCH!" when a girl tried to occupy more than a tiny part of the playground."

They are not harrassing your daughter. Unless they do this every single day and are tormenting your daughter. Which they are not. Because they are 3 and 5.

You know what - you haven't even mentioned what your daughter's reaction was. As she didn't come in to you, and it was only by chance as you went out that you saw it, I expect she was a lot less bothered than you were.

doublechocchip · 05/08/2013 17:47

maja00 Id say most of the people on this thread have said they wouldn't tell their ds' off for doing this and that its a normal/funny/typical thing to do, that's what I don't understand.

maja00 · 05/08/2013 17:52

I really don't think 3 and 5 year olds are using their willies to make a little girl feel harassed or uncomfortable - that's ascribing much more adult motivations to them.

They're being silly and rude and think willies are hilarious. They aren't little bullies/sex offenders, they're just little boys that need to be told to keep their willies to themselves.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/08/2013 17:52

You OP are the exact kind of neighbour I totally ignore.

Pearl clutching irritants don't get much attention paid to them.

Probably why the other mother gave you short shrift.

HTH

Hummuschocolate · 05/08/2013 17:55

OP maybe it would be worth getting in touch with a charity that gives advice on these type of issues.

NSPCC give general parenting advice and it may be useful to talk to them about how you can support your daughter if she feels threatened by the boys behaviour. I'm not saying that the boys' behaviour is sexual but it could still be intimidating to a small child

familylives.org.uk/ also give general parenting advice

Shelter also give advice on avoiding neighbourhood disputes and mediation if it was to come to that

crunchbag · 05/08/2013 17:57

Most posters on here have stated that they would have a quiet word with their boys, just that this innocent silly behaviour doesn't warrant a full telling off or punishment.

OP will now probably post how upset and terrified her DD was, sigh

bearleftmonkeyright · 05/08/2013 17:57

No, double, I have not said I find it funny and that I would not discipline. I find it normal and not on a par with harrassment. God almighty, what are our boys going to turn out like if this kind of behavior brands them as potential sexual harrassers of the future.

JenniBoo · 05/08/2013 17:59

Omblov - the fence is about 5 foot = if they wanted to sit on their lawn and play with themselves they could do it in perfect privacy - I think the point is that what they wanted to do was show my daughter to make her uncomfortable. The fence should be adequate, but if you have a wilful child that purposefully climbs on something so that they can harrass my child, it wouldnt' matter how high I built it. Presumably if it was 12 ft high with sentry posts and barbed wire, they could still go to their bedroom window - sit on the ledge and piss on her head. No doubt you lot would think that was fine too?

OP posts:
Sparklymommy · 05/08/2013 18:00

I would probably say "put it away quick before a black bird pecks it off!"

I think op has handled it badly but I can understand her being upset by it. Her daughter is younger and may be a bit distressed by this. Having two boys myself I would e appalled if they did this and they would certainly get a strict talking to.

chesterberry · 05/08/2013 18:01

At worst I would guess that the little boys were using their willies to tease your DD. At best it seems likely they were actually trying to make her laugh or to, in a roundabout little-boy way, to engage her and try and make friends.

I don't think this sounds like harassment, although you haven't said what your DD's reaction was. If she was in floods of tears then maybe your reaction is a little more reasonable, although I would say the issue is more that they were teasing her even when she was upset than the fact they were doing it by showing her their willies. At that age your daughter presumably doesn't have any hang-ups about nakedness? If your daughter was not upset, or dare I say it even laughing/ otherwise encouraging them then really you should let this one go and maybe just not leave your daughter outside on her own when these little boys are out there.

bearleftmonkeyright · 05/08/2013 18:01

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Heartbrokenmum73 · 05/08/2013 18:02

OP, are you a trained child psychologist then? Because you're very definite about what these boys were thinking and what their intentions towards your DD were.

Stop talking about harassment and intimidation - you are over thinking this ridiculously. And certain other posters on here (the minority, you may notice) are egging you on by agreeing with your ridiculous statements.

Bowlersarm · 05/08/2013 18:03

OP, you are having a larf with us all aren't you?

Come on, who are you really, own up.

JenniBoo · 05/08/2013 18:04

I don't think it's my daughter's fault or that she should have to hide or look away. The boys are frightening to her. They came to our house, broke her things and the 5 year old thumped her hard enough to leave a mark. She feels intimidated by them, and it is my job as her mother to PROTECT her - and if that makes me a whinger, so be it. My DD should be able to play in her OWN PRIVATE garden without being harassed.

OP posts:
lucybrad · 05/08/2013 18:04

I'm sure its been said before - but - they are 3 and 5!!! They are boys!!! This is what boys do! They mean no harm they are messing around. The mother made them apologise - she is probably embarrassed by their behaviour, but it is perfectly normal child behaviour. She is now feeling defensive and that's why she was slightly rude to you. YABU

sebastianthesingingaubergine · 05/08/2013 18:04

OP did your daughter feel 'threatened' by the willy waggling?

My Dd is nearly 3, I am 100% sure she would not feel threatened if another little boy waved his willy at her. She would probably comment that he had a willy, and not a "little bottom" and a "big bottom" like she has. She does not have any ideas about the sexual use of genitalia that would therefore make this "threatening". Honestly.

I also have a five year old Ds, his willy is one of the funniest things in the world, along with poo, wee, and all things toilet related. These boys thought they were being funny, the fact their willies were involved is totally irrelevant.

ASmidgeofMidge · 05/08/2013 18:05

Using words like 'exposure', 'transgressive' and 'aggressive' with ref to 2 boys aged 3 and 5 and what is clearly toilet humour is thoroughly bizarre. Using their behaviour to infer - what - that they're future offenders? - even more so.

Pagwatch · 05/08/2013 18:05

Can I just correct something. I did not suggest that the OP phone 101
I mocked the suggestion that someone else made, that the op phoned 101.

Thank you.
I would hate anyone to think I would report willy waggling.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 05/08/2013 18:05

Drip drip drip...

sebastianthesingingaubergine · 05/08/2013 18:06

sit on the ledge and piss on her head

FFS. Ridiculous comment.

bearleftmonkeyright · 05/08/2013 18:06
Biscuit
Heartbrokenmum73 · 05/08/2013 18:07

Did anyone else read 'Those Naughty Children' by Enid Blyton when they were a child? That's what this is like!

Bowlersarm · 05/08/2013 18:07

Phew, I knew I liked you Pag from previous posts.

Glad you cleared that one up for me. Smile