to think that a lot (but not all) "Gentle Parenting" FB pages are full of sneery nobbers?

[Fourwillies]

Inspired by a post by MrsDeVere, and the fact that I have just removed myself from FOUR of these pages, I'm reaching the conclusion that despite the high ideals, there are a lot of judgemental sneery fuckers on these pages, clueless about anything beyond their own nose.

[and relax]

God, hearing about the sneeriness people have experienced makes me want to distance myself from being an attachment or gentle/unconditional parent (the names are problematic) - I do all that stuff mentioned (plus elimination communication, which if you're being ridiculous, is one step 'better' than cloth nappies). My 4yo still bfs occasionally. I love Alfie Kohn (wrote Unconditional Parenting).
I don't judge other mothers. It's not a freaking competition. Don't be thinking someone (me) is a sneery wanker just because they're happy to 'get their dugs out on demand' (that made me laugh) & use slings. I'm not. My friends who do similar aren't, either (and not all my friends do do similar, of course..)

This thread is actually pretty hurtful. I co-sleep, extended breast feed, sling, I'm anti crying it out or controlled crying or whatever it is called.
I guess the name Gentle Parenting is a kind of umbrella name for all of the above.
I'm not a martyr, or a slave to my kids. I just do things gently I guess - I'm a gentle person, hate shouting, smacking, conflict. I guess I'm lucky that my kids are the same but whether that is through nature or nurture or just sheer luck who knows
But yeah, I find the tone of some of these posts pretty jeering and aggressive. If you have joined groups that piss you off - leave them!
I wouldn't join a motorcycle group on Facebook then moan because they banged on incessantly about motorbikes.
People join groups and expect people in them to have similar interests, so they can share them, away from people who have no interest or feel strongly against them.
Don't flame me you scary bunch. Just saying my piece.

But, Malkie, would you expect some support from these groups if you were struggling? Because from what I've heard some of them are very judgemental about anyone not doing it right.

To be fair, the OP does say 'not all' in her thread title.

I don't see anything to get hurt about. Most people have said they just get on with it, whatever that may entail and that people should do whatever fits in with them, their baby and the rest of their family.

Yes the OP did say 'some' but there are also some on this thread that have made huge sweep

Yes the OP did say 'some' but there are also some on this thread that have made huge sweeping generalisations about 'All' of these 'type' of people and the behaviour of their offspring. I have met children from very strict routines that are not very good at using their initiative or are not very good at coping with change and have meltdowns when they are up for 5 minutes after their 7pm bedtime - is it because these children are controlled ALL of the time? Don't know, it might be or is it their personality types?

I don't remember seeing anyone saying 'all' these people at all.

Every 'group' is going to have that.
There are extremists everywhere.
I have never had a problem, I have absolutely no interest in cloth nappies. I have used Nurofen when my kids have teething pain. I choose to vaccinate them. I sometimes used Ella's pouches with no spoon - straight into their gobs. It's all about speed and convenience when it comes to feeding for me
Nobody was ever condescending or patronising.
The only time I felt a bit out of it was at a Sling Meet - I was the only one using SHOCK HORROR - buckles instead of a £150 wrap.
I left some of the sling groups because they were 'purists' and rabbited on about limited edition Pfau's.
I didn't come onto another group to bitch and laugh at them.

nobody said all they are just been extreme and down right batty things some of these groups or parents say, Im not very shouty and aggressive and pretty laid back but i dont spout on about things being cruel to baby or how you should be up 7 days straight because your precious baby needs you like some of the loony parents do, they cause more guilt than not IMO

Exactly, MrsJay. And they can make some new and inexperienced parents feel really crap and confused about their choices.

that too you the cat I do think the internet is great for support for parents and the information and groups is out there but if a parent wander supon a group they think supports their way of thinking then they get a dozen other parents saying YOU ARE HARMING YOUR baby if you dont lie with it all night how is that supportive ? then it is usually followed by research that was done in a romanian orphanage to justify the ranting and raving at some poor parent who just needs a bloody sleep

Whore,i have to disagree,i dont believe we should bring up our kids to conform to anything we dont believe is right!what a strange thing to say.

Miaow people never believe us either. DH told someone at work and they accused him of making it up because "no kid does that." And the ones that do believe us think it's very unfair.

My mother especially likes to tell me that I was a terrible baby who didn't sleep or let go of her arm for seven years (so some of these gentle people would have loved me ) and she can't understand how I got such a 'good' baby of my own. I think she was counting on Karma to pay me back or something.

Sorry about the theme tune.

I hate labels. I doesn't help any of us. I co sleep, baby wear but hate the term attachment parent and hate the fact I am judged by a title I didn't give myself.

What we do works for me, my LO and my dh. I did plan to use a sling and co sleep but would have changed if it hadn't of worked. Thankfully it suited us well. It's not everyones cup of tea.

This is such a bitchy trend.

loads about at the mo. Calling themselves Mammas and their husbands Pappas. FFS.

I think I'm guilty of this 'The instant anyone tries to tell me about 'How they parent their child and why'' and it is only recently I have realised how it can come across.

For me I think I was trying to (over)justify what I am doing (co-sleeping, using sling etc). Not because I think a different way of doing things is wrong but because I was insecure about what others might think of my choices. I know people/family/friends think I'm making myself a rod etc. I am not doing it to preach or because I am confident in how I'm parenting is the right way. I have many doubts/worries like most other parents.

In hindsight I can clearly see how it would have some across this way.

I'm pretty sure if people are sitting with their baby even though they respond better to being left they are Doing It Wrong, since attachment parenting is supposed to be all about the "individual needs of each child". These are the 8 Attachment Parenting Principles - some of them are worded in a particularly irritating manner, but there's nothing about smothering a child who needs space or being really permissive and never setting boundaries. In fact most AP blogs/sites/whatever which discuss discipline are all about how important boundaries are and how it's possible to set boundaries in a gentle manner which acknowledges and respects the child's needs too. (Although admittedly a lot of the time they are frustratingly woolly about how to actually do this)

I would probably be all wussy and feel disappointed though if I had a baby who liked to sleep alone. I admit I co-sleep for entirely selfish reasons - I don't want to get out of bed for night feeds and also, sleeping baby next to you = best feeling in the world ever. I'm probably weird, but I quite liked lying next to DS helping him get to sleep. I don't miss it though - I did it for long enough! But there's something about them trusting you so much at their most vulnerable time.

It's the passive aggression and shutting down of debate that roasts my chicken. I used to follow a few AP/Armadillo-type pages when I first had my son but soon de- liked them after the nth time one of the Mammas posted the guilt argument - "you obviously feel strongly about this because you feel guilty about your own choices". There are only so many times you can call bullshit before your head explodes.

Smug, self-righteous, boring twattery.

These labels ARE passive aggressive, aren't they?

Gentle / positive / natural / attachment parenting: I don't know what the difference is. They do seem to be united by the idea that anyone who doesn't subscribe to this philosophy is rough / negative / unnatural and unattached though

Someone said on a similar thread recently that most fans of these "extreme" philosophies have just the one child, because it's impossible to utterly devote yourself to more than one child all day long. Ain't that the truth.

Sling meets - ugh. Wanted to go to one to get some advice about wrap slings (and get out of the house, I was pretty depressed) but the website made it pretty clear that it was for a certain "type" of mother (breastfeeding, co sleeping etc.) and I knew I'd get some choice looks with my carton of Aptamil. I didn't bother going.

Also smug. Has anyone mentioned smug? I come across people who are SO PROUD they have never used a pram or buggy. I mean, srsly? You have made your life massively more inconvenient and you want praise for that?

I loved carrying (sorry, WEARING) my daughter in a sling occasionally, but I couldn't manage to plod along for more than half a mile without getting knackered, and was I supposed to fucking carry the baby bag and my groceries as well?

This thread is so upsetting to read! I went to a couple of slingmeets to try out slings, everyone was so kind. I found the other women's geekery knowledge really reassuring. WTF should they call them, given that they are specifically about sharing knowledge/ expertise in this area?

I co-sleep, we like it. We BLW and have cloth nappies that we scraped together second hand, for mainly cost and secondarily environmental reasons. I look at gentle parenting sites because I think it's always useful to check your approach. My 'instinct' is to get a range of views on whatever you're doing; to check your thinking. So I've read the lot - Gina Ford and William Sears, Jo Frost and Alfie Kohn. I don't see why it's so ridiculous to think I might not have all answers, and see what others have to say.

I have seen some unsupportive comments made in all those contexts, and there are always people really passionately convinced that their way is correct where others aren't. But I've never seen anything quite as sneery, judgemental or aggressive to other peoples' parenting choices as some of the comments here. I feel so upset that just going to a slingmeet or discussing parenting approaches could be regarded with such contempt.

Agree re labels: calling something gentle parenting does - I'd think accidentally - imply that other ways are somehow aggressive. FWIW I don't think that's the intention, and I don't think people who are not reading that stuff are parenting 'aggressively'. I don't think i'm unusual in that perspective, either.

Sheshelob Mon 05-Aug-13 23:23:06
It's the passive aggression and shutting down of debate that roasts my chicken. I used to follow a few AP/Armadillo-type pages when I first had my son but soon de- liked them after the nth time one of the Mammas posted the guilt argument - "you obviously feel strongly about this because you feel guilty about your own choices". There are only so many times you can call bullshit before your head explodes.

Smug, self-righteous, boring twattery."

^^
This. As demonstrated in the early pages of this thread.

urm what is armadillo parenting