to think that a lot (but not all) "Gentle Parenting" FB pages are full of sneery nobbers?

[Fourwillies]

Inspired by a post by MrsDeVere, and the fact that I have just removed myself from FOUR of these pages, I'm reaching the conclusion that despite the high ideals, there are a lot of judgemental sneery fuckers on these pages, clueless about anything beyond their own nose.

[and relax]

FWIW we have a Family Bed, staffed by my husband, who co sleeps with everyone. I'm in the spare room as I'm a far lighter sleeper than he is.
I BF DS1 for over a year, have never left any of them to cry and a lot of the concepts of AP et al appeal to me, but probably moreso to my husband.

Mt thread was inspired by the tone of some of the voices on some of these FB pages. It took me a while to suss that many of the posters had ONE very young child, often still a babe in arms, and yet still felt entitled to spout out with supreme unshakeable confidence about applying their "mamma" theories for multiple or older children, yet not give any practical advice. And the example about taking my three preschoolers swimming, pushed me over the edge, because it's nothing short of bloody stupid to suggest that safety is based on the confidence of the mother. On that basis I may as well tell my kids they can walk in water, so long as I believe it myself.

And the other observation is that those who still "follow" these approaches and DO have large families, are held up to be some sort of a guru! I emailed one blogger, who has self published a book about how she parents her 5, and asked her the same question about what to do for days out with three very small non-compliant children, and she replied that when her kids were the same age mine are, they just didn't go out. Well thanks for that!

It is the default reaction and it enrages me because you can't engage with it.

It is as pernicious as the "rod for your own back" school of twats who tell you that you are being manipulated by a tiny baby. When you are a sleep-deprived new mum, you just want to be told that you are doing a good job. But there seem to be people intent on making it a competition. It's a fucking snorefest.

have you managed to take them swimming yet fourwillies

In was on one of these Facebook pages for a while and the way people ganged up on anyone who didnt follow their ideals to the letter was awful. There seemed to be no acceptance of anyone who wasn't exactly how they felt a parent should be, individual difference not allowed!

There again I have realises that parenting groups of Facebook seem to fall into one of 2 categories "our way or its wrong" or "it's your baby Hun, if you think he needs food at a week old start the baby rice" type. So I just stay away from! (I am sure a normal group does exist somewhere!)

Sirzy ive a friend on one of those groups it comes up on my news feed dear god some of the advice is and dangerous imo , yes and a lot of babez and hunnies

MrsJay yes, but not alone! They run off!

I think until they are bigger you will need somebody with you you are not superwoman with numerous limbs to catch them all

Well indeed! I've tried growing extra eyes in my backside but to no avail! ^if only mama had just tried harder"

And I use reins. Yes I do.

oh you could rein them all together like a little pack of puppies

While I certainly recognise the type of person being described on this thread, and have come across a reasonable number of them, the vas majority of people I know who do gentle/unconditional/positive/whatever you want to call it parenting, are lovely people with lovely, well-adjusted children.

Maybe they're just the ones doing it properly!

I use cloth nappies, and slings pretty much full time, (although I refuse to use the terms 'babywearing', 'clothbumming' or call myself or anyone else a 'mamma') and I've been to a couple of sling meets in my time. Most people have been nice and normal and welcoming. I've had a couple of raised eyebrows over the fact that I don't do the whole UP thing, am prone to shouting and waving my arms about, and use childcare because I returned to work when the DSs where 6 and 9 months respectively, but if people want to be sniffy about that, I just don't engage with them.

I've equally had raised eyebrows over my use of slings and cloth nappies, so there are always people who are going to think their way is the only way. Some people are arses about the whole thing, but then some people are arses about anything you care to mention - they just happen to have chosen parenting to be arsey about.

I think it's also easy to misinterpret people's motives, if their beliefs are very different to yours. Certainly some people will say things that are intended to be snubs/put-downs, but I think others are probably just talking about what they like to do, and not intending it as any reflection on the person they are talking to.

For example, I also know the person referenced upthread from that "hatting" link. She's not a close friend, but she's closer than a mere acquaintance, and she's lovely. Yes, she has very strong beliefs, but she doesn't try to make everyone else fall in line with them, and she'd do anything for anyone who needed help. The word "gentle" is very apt where she is concerned. She'd be horrified to know that anyone thought she was being pushy about any of the things she believes in.

"Maybe they're just the ones doing it properly!"

That's it in a nutshell. If your kids play you up, you've done it all wrong.

there is no reasoning with a 4 year old they are all unreasonable why would anybody try and discuss any type of behaviour with a 4 year old to much responsibility on a child IMO then it can result in winging and moaning and stressful , little people can not make proper choices, Little X do you think it was ok to do that , well mum yes it was fun i loved every minute of it and will do it again even if i do fall and batter my head sigh

I thought everyone was like me; pick-a-mix type of parenting, choosing what works best for their family regardless of where those choices fall on the parenting philosophy spectrum.

I really didn't think there were people who followed a whole system religiously and I find it very odd. Surely there's not a single parenting school out there that's appropriate for every single child and their families?

I have to parent my DCs?

Jeez, I didn't even know that parent was a verb.

When did it change?

I just try to look after and guide my DSs to the best of my ability.

What's with all the labels and titles and groups and fb pages??

I agree with you too whore winging tantruming children are annoying I know ALL children winge and can throw a wobbily but if it is constant then it must be so exhausting especially if they are doing it all the time, your friend can't be content or happy whore

I really think it is just the titles of the parenting trends that get people's backs up and can come across as being superior.

Gentle parenting - so I am not gentle?
Attachment parenting - so i am not attached?
Unconditional parenting - so I don't unconditionally love my DS.

I'm sure that lots of people following these styles (as posted above) don't like these terms and don't think they come across this way - but I think it is the terminology itself which gets some people's backs up & makes some people (not all) a bit smug & sneery I.e they are doing right & we are not.

Also lots of people who are the most vocal are the ones who have recently had babies & i think everyone goes through a stage of thinking they have cracked it (& therefore feel they should tell you how its done) before they realise the goalposts are constantly changing and then realise in essence we are all pretty much doing the same thing and what works for one won't another.

I think mumsnet went through a stage of being quite AP/ gentle parenting heavy but now I've noticed a few threads like this. Maybe we could just ban the use of these daft parenting terms/advocating particular styles?

See, this is my problem with "parenting styles". We get into slanging matches about behaviour, blaming a "style" for what is often normal, immature childhood behaviour. For all you know, the mother of the tantruming child is actually embarrassed and lost, and is clinging to a style because she has been told everything else is harmful. So she is trapped into a choice of all or nothing. I feel sorry for her, and I say that as a muddling along mother of a highly strung little boy.

those sort of tantrums are meant to stop by the time children are 4 IME, id be worried if I saw a 4 yr old tantrum like a 2 year old

I wouldn't judge you, Second, unless you started a FB page advocating that as a parenting style that trumps all others, and attacked anyone who disagreed with you.

Your post highlights something that is key: we give ourselves a hard enough time. We don't need others doing it for us (unless we are actually abusing our kids).