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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a lot (but not all) "Gentle Parenting" FB pages are full of sneery nobbers?

294 replies

Fourwillies · 05/08/2013 08:37

Inspired by a post by MrsDeVere, and the fact that I have just removed myself from FOUR of these pages, I'm reaching the conclusion that despite the high ideals, there are a lot of judgemental sneery fuckers on these pages, clueless about anything beyond their own nose.

[and relax]

OP posts:
SarahAndFuck · 05/08/2013 17:58

Thinking about DS, and that comment filee777 made about staying with them until they go to sleep even if they are violent and screaming with rage.

After the first few weeks of his life, DS settled himself without crying.

We knew when he was tired, sometimes he would cry to let us know but not always, and we would put him into his cot. If he was crying he would immediately stop, we would leave the room and he would just go to sleep.

He slept in our room so if he woke for a night feed and we were in bed I would put him back into his cot afterwards and as soon as the light was out he would settle himself again as if he were alone.

HV was amazed when I told her.

One of the first words he learned to say was 'bed' and once he learned that he didn't cry at all unless he was desperately over-tired or not being left alone to go to sleep.

When SIL came to babysit one night, when DS was almost two, I told her to read to him downstairs, then take him up and put him to bed and leave him alone to go to sleep.

She thought I must have got that wrong, so she stayed with him. He wouldn't sleep with her there so she tried reading to him, singing to him, getting him out of bed to cuddle and rock him, laid with him on our bed to read more stories, brought him downstairs to watch TV in case he would fall asleep on the sofa, even made him lots of warm milk to drink.

Nothing worked. By the time we came home he was sobbing and shouting "want my bed, want my bed" and SIL was almost as stressed and saying "I tried but he just wouldn't sleep." I took him to bed, gave him a cuddle and turned out the light and he was asleep almost immediately. SIL said she just hadn't believed it as in her experience children just don't do that.

I know we are lucky. We know several people with children the same age (between 4-5 years old now) whose children still don't sleep unless one of their parents stays with them for hours.

But if one of these ideas is that you must stay with every child until they go to sleep, DS is an exception to that rule and forcing that on him would have caused him no end of distress and upset.

YouTheCat · 05/08/2013 17:59

When I was pregnant in the 90s, my sil handed me a copy of a Miriam Stoppard book and told me it had been 'her Bible' Hmm .

I gave it a cursory look and then did my own thing. Grin

mignonette · 05/08/2013 18:01

No Fourwillies they'll be shitting in their prison cells Grin

filee777 · 05/08/2013 18:04

@sarah, I totally agree, but I was talking about toddlers not being left for a second of the day, I stayed with one woman who took three hours every night putting her child to sleep, she would scream and cry and hit her but she would stay in the room until the child fell into an exhausted sleep and was invariably tired the next day too.

It just didn't seem very 'gentle' to me.

OTheHugeManatee · 05/08/2013 18:08

What's so extra gentle about sitting next to a child that's ragingly pissed off with you for hours? Genuinely don't understand why this might be seen as preferable to leaving them alone to calm down.

SarahAndFuck · 05/08/2013 18:10

No it doesn't. It sounds stressful for all concerned. Confused

Goldenbear · 05/08/2013 18:13

Malcolm, I'm not sure if you're referring to me as the one 'protaganist' (?) but you need to calm down. A bit of tolerance for what others do would make for a happier world I think. As I've said up thread it is not my kind of thing, I have not visited one of these pages once. I mixed fed my DC1 from 4 months, he did not like slings so that was a non starter, I was induced after being 11 days overdue and didn't object. I had drugs. With DD I did breastfeed her until 21 months but she was induced and I made a point of asking for an epidural. I know I wouldn't be well received on some of these pages but a) I wouldn't bother with them b)I'm a grown up and can 'take it' c) I'm not a Despot!

My DS has a friend whose Mum practices 'Gentle parenting' and every time she collects him it takes about 20 minutes to get his shoes on to leave. His Mum provides a running commentary that is an eloborate tale of dressing himself in his Knight's armoury in order to slay the dragons that are apparently surrounding my flat. I can't say I can be bothered myself with this storytelling, seen as my DS is 6 and understands that you need shoes to wear outside so that you don't hurt your feet but hey it's not hurting me, I don't think she's vicious and nasty about other Mothers.

I have another distant friend who is starting a campaign to ban air driers in public toilets as they scare her toddler. Oh well I don't think she is doing anything wrong.

acebaby · 05/08/2013 18:18

With DS2, I decided that I was going to do the full on attachment parenting thing, having struggled terribly with velcro-baby DS1. But he had other ideas. I put him in bed with us, and he screamed until I gave up and put him in his own cot (whereupon he went to sleep instantly). I was determined to breastfeed him exclusively for six months, until I caught him grabbing and eating DS1's pancakes when he was four months. I was going to 'wear' him, until he grew so big by three months that my knees gave out.

He is five now, and when I popped into his room to help him settle down and get to sleep during the heat wave, he politely asked me to 'stop bothering' him.

I suppose some methods of parenting just don't suit all children/babies. Either that, or we should introduce pre-natal subscription to selected facebook groups Grin

RandallPinkFloyd · 05/08/2013 18:18

I have another distant friend who is starting a campaign to ban air driers in public toilets as they scare her toddler.

that's priceless, God love her!

(I think Malcolm was referring to RedBreastRobin)

ringaringarosy · 05/08/2013 18:19

they are,and most of the time im probably not a gentle parent,im a bit of a shouty one espescially at the moment,BUT its something to aspire to i guess!

PresidentServalan · 05/08/2013 18:21

Do the same people who refer to "mammas" also call babies "bubs"? That always makes me want to vomit! Grin

OTheHugeManatee · 05/08/2013 18:25

I think it's huns who call their babies 'bubs'. AFAIK huns and Natural Mammas are usually different species.

Emilythornesbff · 05/08/2013 18:29

I hate hand driers.
Get rid of all of them I say!

MiaowTheCat · 05/08/2013 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BornToFolk · 05/08/2013 18:35

Oh, unconscious parenting! I'm friends with a full-on AP, cloth bumming, etc etc Mama on Facebook and she posted something one day about the best thing about AP was that you had actually thought about how to parent and not just followed the herd...Hmm.

It was completely inconceivable to her that other parents might actually have made different decisions, for completely valid reasons. Anyone that made conventional choices had just never thought about it properly. I ended up having a massive row with her husband on FB after he referred to cots as "cages"

filee777 · 05/08/2013 18:50

I think hand driers should be banned but that's because I have seen the filters in them. Caked in masses of shit particles

Basically you are washing your own hands, of your own shit and then blowing other people's shit all over them.

Foul things

OTheHugeManatee · 05/08/2013 19:01

Filee77, I think you win some kind of prize for managing to get poo spores (or even crumbs Shock ) into an entirely unrelated thread Grin

timeforanothernewname · 05/08/2013 19:03

Please explain to me about the shit particles. Why are they not gone down the plughole from when hands are rinsed?

filee777 · 05/08/2013 19:05

I suppose if you get enough poo spores it will in fact become a crumb... poo crumbs made up of different peoples poo is almost too much for me to bear.

filee777 · 05/08/2013 19:14

Because when you flush the loo, shit and piss particles are sprayed into the air and are sucked into the air fiter of the drier, trust me, I've seen it.

Whothefuckfarted · 05/08/2013 19:15

YABU.

All "Parenting" FB pages are full of sneery nobbers.

MrsMook · 05/08/2013 19:20

I do what I can to survive the day. Some of that includes BFing (DS1 was 13m when I wanted my body back), using slings/carriers/wraps (because they help me live without a double buggy and make it easier to get around a supermarket with toddler and baby). I also use reusable nappies and wipes (it's great not running out, and they do look cool), BLW is much less effort than preparing home purees.

I don't subscribe to it as a package of parenting philosophy though. I leave my DSs alone to go to sleep as they are better without the stimation. DS1 does get told off sternly and face appropriate consequences to mis-behaviour. Both DSs were given formula within 48hrs of birth as with one I didn't have enough milk straight away, and the other I was knackered and in pain and couldn't face sitting up for a feed at 2am so a carton of ready made came out. The Calpol will come out if I suspect that uncharacteristic grouchiness may be triggered by something like teething pain. At weaning time, my changing bag will feature a packet of Ella's Kitchen as back-up supplies.

I don't care (in the nicest way) what other people's choices are as long as they work for them, and they raise children that roughly conform within society. I don't think martrydom is healthy for mother or baby, nor other members of the family. I'm never a purist over anything, and fundamentalism over anything be it political, religious or parenting philosophy is rarely healthy.

HaroldLloyd · 05/08/2013 19:28

Jesus no.... Shit particles! Shock

mrsjay · 05/08/2013 19:30

I'm with MALCOLMTUCKERSMUM I'm so glad my dc were born in the 90's and i didn't have all these different parenting styles to choose from.
and unconditional parenting wtf whats wrong with pleasing people. I thought that unconditional parenting was about loving each other not about not praising children

I did it in the 90s too hats and everything Grin

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 05/08/2013 19:41

Oh Lordy, the anti-hatters would have crucified me!

I took a hat my mum had knitted for DS in my hospital bag, but it turned out to be too big. The midwives were insistent that DS be hatted and they found me a hat for premature babies to put on DS while in hospital. This was far too small for DS so he was double-hatted Shock. Tiny hat underneath and massive hat on top.

I went to our local sling-meet to try out slings and the people were all lovely. The majority turned up with prams and the ladies running it talked us through the different slings that were available, the pros/cons of each and how to wear them. They then helped us try them on. No preachiness, judging or pressurising.

I agree that there are some awfully smug online people, but the RL people at the slingmeet were lovely.