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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we're not meant to live like this?

125 replies

SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 16:16

I'm on maternity leave with my first baby. DH works weekdays, 8-6, no family living nearby.

I hate being left alone with the baby. It's so exhausting and relentless. She's a lovely active cute baby though.

I just feel like we're meant to bring up our kids in groups. There should be a little community all supporting each other, maybe my parents, his parents, siblings, friends... a commune? I just get filled with dread at the thought of another week, the days are just so long.

AIBU to think modern family life is too solitary and we're expecting new mums to do too much alone?

(BTW I appreciate some people have it worse than me and I tip my hat to you)

OP posts:
SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 04/08/2013 16:19

I think its the parents job to bring up their children.

Svrider · 04/08/2013 16:21

I think op has a point
In many other culture new mums are surrounded by the extended family for help and support
I was v. Lucky to have my DM close by
Hope your ok op

Original poster
SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 16:21

Completely alone SP?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/08/2013 16:22

It's nice if you can rely on extended family

But then again, look at all the inlaws bashing on here

I suppose it depends on how much you trust your family to sing from the same sheet as you.

Sirzy · 04/08/2013 16:22

I think having some sort of support network is very important, there is a lot of truth in the saying "it takes a village to raise a child"

Have you got no family or friends locally? Do you go to any groups?

kelda · 04/08/2013 16:22

I always went to mother and baby groups/ baby yoga, that sort of thing. I had to go out and do something every day. My children all went to a creche from about the age of 8/9 months, a couple of days a week, so they were never brought up just by me.

TimeofChange · 04/08/2013 16:23

Spoo: Are there any mothher and baby groups near you?
NCT groups?
Mumsnet group?
Friends, neighbours?
Could you go and visit family for a few days?

bumblebeaver · 04/08/2013 16:23

I had exactly the same longing for a whole community around me. And my DH works from home, so I was never really 'alone'. It's hard to break into a community unless you're lucky enough to have friends around with kids the same age. Baby groups are not my scene and in any case, most people only want to meet up every now and then, rather than be constantly in and out of each other's houses. I think having a new baby is one of the times when you realise how disjointed our society can be (although you perhaps enjoy the benefits of the same at other times of life).

burberryqueen · 04/08/2013 16:23

yes perhaps try and get out more to baby groups etc.?

Beastofburden · 04/08/2013 16:24

Yes, I think that for many people, the modern nuclear family is not right. It sounds as if you would suit the Italian way of life, where everyone mucks in and you are never alone.

It doesn't have to be family, though, if there isn't any locally. You can create your own local community of supportive friends. Do you have some ideas on where to start with that?

Yu are quite normal to be feeling isolated, especially as this is new for you, but you don't have to live like that.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 04/08/2013 16:24

It can be a downer if you are spending a lot of time alone. People who have family/friends nearby don't always appreciate how much of an advantage it is - though many do of course.

Unfortunately if a circle of support isn't on tap, you have to make one. Did you go to an ante-natal group so could you meet up with them? Go to playgroups etc nearby?

littlemisswise · 04/08/2013 16:24

DH and I brought ours up by ourselves. We had friends who lived nearby, but they didn't help out as such and we moved often.

I was quite happy to do it. They are our DC, we chose to have them.

Bullygirl · 04/08/2013 16:24

YANBU- It takes a village as they say. What about a mothers group or play group. Your GP may have some info. If not put up an ad in the post office or similar and start your own. There are probably more mums in your area who feel the same.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 04/08/2013 16:24

It has changed, yes. A few generations ago, people generally lived with their extended family and the older women would help.

But that's not the way any more, not in this country anyway. I sometimes wish we'd spent the kids early years in my husband's home country Grin where the extended family is a much closer group.

But, it is what it is and the fact is that we are on our own these days and most of us just have to get on with that.

Doesn't matter that it used to be different, cos that doesn't change how it is now. Doesn't matter whether or not it ought to be different, cos you have to deal with something how it is, not how it ought to be.

But you sound like you could be struggling. Is there anyone at all you can ask for some support? Any friends? Any way to even hire someone for a few hours a week? Can your husband take a bit of time off? Can you get out there and join mum and baby groups?

cushtie335 · 04/08/2013 16:24

I felt a bit lonely and isolated at first when I had my PFB. My parents were elderly and completely unable to help me, they could scarcely look after themselves. PIL were younger but still working with an active social life, they weren't very "hands on" and my DB and DSis lived in other parts of the country. DH worked all the hours he could to keep us afloat and friends who had kids already had all gone back to work. I'll be honest, I hated it, but in the grand scheme of things it didn't last that long and when PFB went to nursery, I made friends through her friends.

PrettyKitty1986 · 04/08/2013 16:25

I agree...in a perfect world it seems ideal. I think the more positive role models/carers in a childs life the better. Ultimately it comes down to the parents...but it can be a solitary existence nowadays.

I think the way we bring up our children now is very 'unnatural'...ie paying strangers to look after them rather than being raised by a community.

QueenofKelsingra · 04/08/2013 16:25

as sirzy says: it takes a village to raise a child. I'm lucky that I have local family but I also made sure I went to baby groups and made a good group of friends - our kids are growing up together and we have a network we can rely on for support and advice. and as the kids get older they will have other adults that they hopefully feel they can confide in if they feel they cant go to their parents.

OP it must be hard not to have family support but I really strongly suggest you find some baby groups and make yourself a support network. i'm a shy person and it was so hard but I knew it was the best thing for me and DS1 and I now have some of the best friends I've ever had.

LynetteScavo · 04/08/2013 16:26

I found meeting up with other mums with babies invaluable when I had my first DC. Those coffee mornings gave my day/week some structure, and as the babies got older gave me an opportunity to have a wee on my own, go to the park with someone else, etc.

I don't meet up with any of those parents now...we had nothing in common really, except we all had a baby at the same time,

ChunkyChicken · 04/08/2013 16:26

"It takes a village to raise a child" as it were...

And no, YANBU. I was lucky to have my family very close by & get lots of support, care & encouragement generally. I did find it lonely though, when all my friends were in work during the day, so I found 'new baby' groups great for making friends in the same circumstances.

If you do find it all a bit much, do reach out and seek support. It can be a very lonely & thankless task at times.

bittenipples · 04/08/2013 16:27

I agree that we evolved to bring up our offspring within an extended family or social 'unit'. A tribe if you will. I often think this. Sometimes I feel like a 'battery human' as in a battery chicken - stuck in my flat bringing up ds alone.

Personally I think YANBU.

ChunkyChicken · 04/08/2013 16:27

Ooh x-a million posts!! Blush

bearleftmonkeyright · 04/08/2013 16:28

Get out more. Go to as many groups as you can, storytime, music etc, even if its just an hour. It stops you feeling so isolated. I know what you mean, it does get easier but family life can be isolating. And being a parent takes some getting used to. But I would not enjoy commune living and sharing parenting with other families.

Original poster
SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 16:29

The thing is I do try and do something every day. Baby groups, coffee mornings, that kind of thing. But it's not "support", more like getting to know other mums, if you see what I mean. None of our close friends have children.

Good idea to visit family for a while, might see what DH thinks.

OP posts:
FaintlyMacabre · 04/08/2013 16:29

I completely agree with you and have often thought the same. It seems mad, all these women and their babies alone almost all day, and not how we're meant to live. There's only so much time you can spend at baby groups etc before heading back to relative isolation.

I would happily live in a commune but unfortunately DH is not so keen!

Catnap26 · 04/08/2013 16:30

I know exactly how you feel spoomoo I just had my second baby (53 weeks after having the first) and I too dread Monday mornings because its the start of a very long week.i used to go to lots of groups but that seems impossible now and they finish for the summer.i would say that going to groups really helped me and I got a lot of support from other mothers Smile

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