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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think we're not meant to live like this?

125 replies

SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 16:16

I'm on maternity leave with my first baby. DH works weekdays, 8-6, no family living nearby.

I hate being left alone with the baby. It's so exhausting and relentless. She's a lovely active cute baby though.

I just feel like we're meant to bring up our kids in groups. There should be a little community all supporting each other, maybe my parents, his parents, siblings, friends... a commune? I just get filled with dread at the thought of another week, the days are just so long.

AIBU to think modern family life is too solitary and we're expecting new mums to do too much alone?

(BTW I appreciate some people have it worse than me and I tip my hat to you)

OP posts:
SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 16:56

First time mum question: do you feel less lonely once the baby can talk?

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/08/2013 16:57

Yes, I think so Spoo, but beware as I personally found it got harder with two !

SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 16:58

We rent a small flat. no space or money for an au pair, juggling Confused

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 04/08/2013 16:59

but you meet other mums to make new friends ...especially if your existing ones don't have kids

I made some wonderful mates through having my kids - who I still see now 10+ years on and who have been a great source of support

Invite some of the mums you know round for coffee

WafflyVersatile · 04/08/2013 16:59

Humans are social animals and so no not really designed to be as isolated as you seem to be in your OP. Works for some, of course.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 04/08/2013 17:00

Spoo, I think it gets better and less lonely as your children get older and more independent of you, as well as the activities/trips out you can do being more interesting for the adult as well!

Which is not to say my 4yo can't drive me bonkers, but it's a totally different thing.

Once I'd made some 'proper' friends who lived locally, and could pop round for lunch at short notice/do a bit of mutual baby sitting so you can go the GP on your own etc, life is much better.

beepoff · 04/08/2013 17:00

I COMPLETELY agree OP and in fact was thinking the same just earlier this week. It's so relaxing and easy when family or friends are around.

I sometimes feel sorry for DS that the only person he really interacts with during the week is me and I feel a lot of pressure to entertain him and give him variety. It seems very unnatural indeed.

I have meet ups and baby groups most days and keep myself busy with other things like popping to the shops or library but the organisation is exhausting and it's not the same as being able to just pop over to a friend's for a coffee on a whim. In an 11 hour day, these things usually only take up one hour as well.

I have met some lovely mums but they all seem to have friends from before they had children who they see quite often during the week. Only one of my friends had a baby a similar time to me but she returned to work full time after 4 months.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/08/2013 17:01

No, we didn't have room for one either Spoo, but I think they seem a good idea !

Can you get friends and babysitters more involved ? We had a student on placement from local college and she's become a good family friend and still involved and helping us out with occasional babysitting.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 04/08/2013 17:02

Personally, I can't think of anything I'd like less Grin

But I'm sorry that you feel the way you do. Anychance you could move to be near your family??

thebody · 04/08/2013 17:04

oh op you do sound a bit down. I remember feeling like this with first baby as its all such a huge change.

echo the other posters, can't your HV recommend a support group? local mumsnet group near you?

honestly it does get easier. know this sounds daft but radio 4 and 5 are great company too.

Tee2072 · 04/08/2013 17:04

I dunno, I think the grass is always greener.

I just spent two weeks visiting my family. We were staying in a holiday rental with my mom and stepdad and my brother lives just a short car ride away. Usually I'm like the OP, I have no practical support other than my husband.

It was both good and bad having people around. I mean, it was nice to come home and find my nieces slobbed out on my sofa (they are 10 and 13) and able to entertain our 4 year old.

On the other hand, I had no time to myself. Someone was always there.

I have freelanced since my son was 13 monthsish so he was in part time childcare from that time and I got used to having time to myself, whether or working or whatever. It would make me crazy to have my family that close all the time.

SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 17:04

chipping - I dream about moving but we've looked at the finances/practical stuff and it just wouldn't make sense for a few years, mainly because of DH's career.

OP posts:
Corygal · 04/08/2013 17:05

As a childless person, I got the horrors when I saw how isolated my friends were when they had their babies.

The first is the worst - not only a complete change in lifestyle but solitary confinement to boot.

Rescue comes in the form of NCT groups, your childless friends who come round to you and swap the baby for wine, and work. People I know who went back to work were miles better off for the gruelling first year.

gordyslovesheep · 04/08/2013 17:06

family aren't necessarily the answer either - you may think they would be supportive and available but the reality is they may not be

don't move - just make new friends where you are - honestly try sure start - do baby massage, baby yoga, coffee mornings, get out there and talk to people

It does get easier but baby mates can make it all much more fun

SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 17:06

Haha thebody I was just telling DH today how I wished I listened to the radio more during the day! I will try it.

OP posts:
TeWiSavesTheDay · 04/08/2013 17:07

Having said the above - I really would not want to be raising my kids and living with my parents and siblings though! Would be a disaster!

It would be nice if you could choose your own commune members, as it were. Grin

CPtart · 04/08/2013 17:07

That's exactly why I went back to work after 5 months. My DM lived ten minutes away but we often go a month without seeing each other, even when DC were very little.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/08/2013 17:09

Stick with those baby groups OP. I was VERY isolated with DD1 at first.
Depressed, bored, lonely, anxious, everything was awful.

Then I slowly made friends with a few lovely women through some baby groups. One friend in particular and I were very close, many days we would spend all day together, babies "playing" and us making lunch and going to the loo on our own ;) It saved my life I think!

SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 17:16

This sounds silly but I don't feel like I can invite people over as we live in a small flat, not on the ground floor (so tough for prams), not particularly baby-friendly (can't change much about it as we're renting), and the other mums I've met all seem to live in houses. I wish I could engineer a way of them inviting me round! This is just a side issue though.

OP posts:
SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 17:22

Hearts "Depressed, bored, lonely, anxious, everything was awful" - yeah I feel like this.

OP posts:
Midlifecrisisarefun · 04/08/2013 17:22

To add to my comment ^^ , DS lived with his partner and their little boy...her family were at DS' morning, noon and night!! He hated getting home after a 12 hour shift to having her sister/mother/niece there when he got home..they would then expect him to cook for all of them!! They have since split...'DIL' was expecting number 2, although on fairly good terms when DGS2 was born he was 'allowed' to see his son for 10 minutes as her family were there and they don't like my son!!
'DIL' might value her family support but ultimately their pervading presence has undermined her relationship with my DS.
In respects to OP, I agree baby/toddler groups are the better option, you can choose friends!!!

TeWiSavesTheDay · 04/08/2013 17:23

Honestly they won't care. Just invite one at a time if space is an issue.

wharrgarbl · 04/08/2013 17:28

My mum has babysat twice in nearly 4 year.

My son is 7, my mother never has. Admittedly, we have lived overseas since he was three, but she never did before that, mostly to do with age (she is in her 80's).
Nor have any of my family ever babysat. His paternal grandparents - perhaps three times in the three years?
It just didn't happen, even when we were in the same country.

And yes, pre-industrial revolution, I suspect that all the village children were brought up together by whoever was most inclined to looking after children, while the rest worked in food production, so I suspect it's a previously natural state.

teacher123 · 04/08/2013 17:30

I think that it is pretty isolating in lots of ways and I'm not very good at going to baby groups. I'm now in the situation that I'm finally meeting some people who happen to have babies who do a hobby I do, so we're starting to meet up socially with our babies to go to the park etc. I really struggled to meet people I gelled with just because we all had similar aged babies, so it's nice to meet people through a hobby who have children as we have loads in common.
I much prefer parenting when there's someone else there when DS is awake, but then as soon as he's gone to bed I want all guests to bugger off...!

DontmindifIdo · 04/08/2013 17:33

If it helps, the summers are the hardest bits. All my 'mummy friends' who have pre-schoolers hate the summer because everything stops and becomes geared up to school aged DCs, it means you have a couple of months of nothing to do, while everyone is saying how lucky you are you can go on holiday outside the school holiday times - so you don't even use a couple of those wasted weeks away...

I've just had DC2, and it's sooo much easier this time round, because those casual friends to have a chat with at mum and baby groups I me the first time round, are now friends I've known for 3+ years, and we are getting to the support stage, eg. I've had their DCs over on moving days and when their childcare feel through on a day they had an important meeting at work, they've been the ones I cried on when i had a MC because unlike child-free older friends, I knew they'd "get it", they are the ones who've turned up after I had DC2 armed with hand-me-downs from their DDs (I had a DS first time round), cake and offers of taking DS for an hour or so to give me peace. When DD is old enough to be left, we'll restart our babysitting swaps in the evenings.

Dont get me wrong, many toddler group friends are still at the polite chat stage, nodding and saying hello when we pass in the street, but a small group have turned in to 'real' friends.

It's harder now for our generation I think, because it's less likely we'll live near family, if we do, then parents, sisters and cousins are more likely to be working, old friends are also unlikely to be housewives so again, not available in the day, and with people having DCs older for the last couple of generations, grandparents aren't people in their 40s who are full of energy to help out, but often close to being pensioners. With people having smaller families, the chances of a close friend or relation having a baby at a similar age to yours to share the stages with is unlikely.

However, set against that, my mum was shocked how many baby and mother groups there were for me to go to, very few churches ran them when she was a young mum (now I think every church in our town has one), there wasn't baby or toddler classes or activites, you just went to someone else's house - so if you didn't have a lot of family near by who were around in the day or old friends with DCs, you really were stuffed.

It's a month until all the groups restart in September, have an actitivty a day mapped out from the first week the school kids go back. You'll find you enjoy your time so much more if there's a structure to your day.

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