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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we're not meant to live like this?

125 replies

SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 16:16

I'm on maternity leave with my first baby. DH works weekdays, 8-6, no family living nearby.

I hate being left alone with the baby. It's so exhausting and relentless. She's a lovely active cute baby though.

I just feel like we're meant to bring up our kids in groups. There should be a little community all supporting each other, maybe my parents, his parents, siblings, friends... a commune? I just get filled with dread at the thought of another week, the days are just so long.

AIBU to think modern family life is too solitary and we're expecting new mums to do too much alone?

(BTW I appreciate some people have it worse than me and I tip my hat to you)

OP posts:
jojane · 04/08/2013 16:30

try and plan something every day
local library baby rhyme time
baby and toddler groups
baby massage
local park
etc etc

you proabably wont make best friends on first visit but after a while if you keep at it and keep going you will eventually make friends.

ArtexMonkey · 04/08/2013 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExitPursuedByABear · 04/08/2013 16:30

I agree in most part OP. I used to hanker for the days when families lived cheek by jowl in terraced streets and the children played out together and there was always someone to help. Oh hang on, that was my childhood.

bearleftmonkeyright · 04/08/2013 16:31

Did everyone cross post at once here!

Bowlersarm · 04/08/2013 16:31

I think you have a point OP.

I didn't know what had hit me with baby number one. I just had no idea of the loneliness, isolation, boredom, terror, panic, you could feel and with all the raging hormones not helping. Plus any pain from childbirth and breastfeeding to deal with. And that is when things has gone well. It can be so so hard.

The irony is OP that once you get to number 2 or 3 it somehow seems to get easier, though you've tripled the work load. You go from having a pfb and feel thrilled if you manage to clean your teeth in the day. To having baby no 3 cooking, breastfeeding, school runs, housework and socialising all at the same time.

It does get easier, but yes, a support network set up in those early months would be ideal.

I hope your DH gives you the chance to relax a bit in the evenings and takes charge of the baby.

SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 04/08/2013 16:32

I was told when I got pregnant that the child would be my responsibility. Mum and dad would play grandparents roles but no more. My mum has babysat twice in nearly 4 year.

I have siblings aged from 21-2 and they will interact with my son but no support or offers to take him out.

It is lonely but I'm used to it. I can visit mum but any parenting then I do it so its not a break or anything.

Beastofburden · 04/08/2013 16:33

There are advantages to the model where it is local friends and family on tap, because you don't have to do anything to find them. OTOH you are stuck with them, and annoying relatives can get overwhelmingly annoying when you have a new baby.

The newer model is to generate your own community. That seems artificial and daunting and a lot of work, but its not as bad as that in fact. And at least you get to choose who is in your network.

Can I suggest that you set yourself a routine for a few months, where you go to stuff, no matter how unpromising the activity sounds, specifically with an eye out for mothers you can get on with? After a while you can ditch the groups and just meet up. You have an advantage over my generation, as we didn't have email or the Internet (I know!). I even went to an evangelical church baby and toddler group, though i am not a christian, just to meet people. I invited the mums I got on with to a baby music group that i ran myself, and from that generated friendships that I have today, 21 years on.

KirjavaTheCat · 04/08/2013 16:33

It would be nice in a way. By all accounts it's how it used to be, family living close-by or together, raising children as a unit.

But I think I'd start to resent it quickly. In order for it to work your unit/family would have to have a say in how you raise your children, if they're to be expected to help raise them, and that would grate on me.

TartyMcTart · 04/08/2013 16:35

Baby groups, baby groups, baby groups!

I know loads of people on here seem to hate them but I found them fantastic when my first was born. We had a post-natal group at the local health centre so went from when our firsts were 8-12 weeks old. I don't see all the people that I met there as people went back to work or just weren't like me! However there are 6 of us who still meet up all the time with / without kids, have weekends away, go shopping, etc.

I know this might not be the norm but you have to go to baby groups with the attitude of it's something to do and if I make friends then great! If I don't then I've got out of the house for an hour or two. Yes, you may spend the first few weeks talking about babies but after that you can wheedle out the people who are up for some other chat and want to meet more often.

Alohomora · 04/08/2013 16:35

We're ttc and I will be in a similar situation to you, OP, and I dread it. My family lives abroad, MiL lives 1 1/2 hrs away, no other relatives anywhere nearby. I don't have much of a social life, either.

I do like my peace and quiet but I hope once we have a baby there will be enough baby & toddler groups and other activities around that will get us out of the house and allow me to be sociable with other mothers.

Check out your local library, a lot of them are running toddler/nusery rhyme sessions, I do them at my work sometimes and we have babies as young as 3 months coming to them and they and their parents' really enjoy it.

bigkidsdidit · 04/08/2013 16:36

I was thinking this the other day. I have a 2.5yo and a 6 week old and it is tough going sometimes alone. My SIL and her toddler came over the other day and we sat in the garden, our toddlers ran around together and we have a gin while cuddling the baby. She held he baby while I went to the loo and cooked. It was great. We should live in communes! Imagine going into the garden and there being other children and mums to play with.

Original poster
SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 16:38

Good idea about having a routine beast - at the moment I decide what activity/group to do on the day. I'm lucky that there seems to be a lot on where we live (except it's summer holidays now, even for baby groups!). I do see some mums again and again but more often I feel like the newcomer as I don't go regularly enough iyswim!

OP posts:
DameDeepRedBetty · 04/08/2013 16:39

Sooner or later one, or two, or more of the other new mothers you're meeting at the baby groups etc will turn out to be on the same planet as you. It took quite a few months, but two of those people I met remain dear friends now, fourteen years later, and I've got close to several others through primary school etc too.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 04/08/2013 16:39

What do you mean by support? People doing some portion of the physical care? Cos no, mum and baby groups won't meet that need, they are really more company and emotional support.

LynetteScavo · 04/08/2013 16:39

I think you do have a point, OP.

I had PND with one of my DC, and the only thing I really remember of the first year was a week I spend with my sisters and mother...obviously that week I had a huge amount of support.

But gone are the days of who families always living within two streets of where they were born, and everybody hung around the launderette. Unless you are on the set of EastEnders. Grin

peteypiranha · 04/08/2013 16:42

I am never on my own unless I chose to be. I wouldnt say any of my friends with children are either. Community is very much alive if you seek it out imo.

MiniTheMinx · 04/08/2013 16:42

I think it can be very isolating and lonely. I was lucky enough to have family and friends around everyday, we also rented rooms out which meant the house was busy with people. The downside to this though is that you have to be prepared to listen to how they did things and you might just want to deal with something in your own way!

BrianTheMole · 04/08/2013 16:43

I agree with you op.

Nadalsballs · 04/08/2013 16:44

I'm with you OP, DH works long hours and we have no family locally. It's tedious and lonely a lot of the time. I love my DCs so much but I find life as a SAHM exhausting.

My mother worked and brought me and my dsis up as a single mother but she had loads of family around and both my grandmothers had loads to do with my early years.

I think I learnt so much from them. We should work more in communities, helping each other out etc

timidviper · 04/08/2013 16:44

I remember feeling like this when my DCs were little. We moved just before DS's 1st birthday so I felt very lonely for a while and my parents were like SPs, they lived about an hour away, were happy to be grandparents and help a little here and there but nothing regular and no babysitting, childcare, etc.

When DS started school, one of the other mums was a rather high powered psychiatrist, often quoted in courts and medical papers. She told us all often how rates of mental illness and distress in women had multiplied as extended families and village life had declined. Women can benefit greatly from company, support and friendship that is often missing in modern life.

Midlifecrisisarefun · 04/08/2013 16:45

Not sure on this one, the extended families I know well enough to comment on are constantly bickering, interfering in each others lives and generally unpleasant to each other! I grew up in a family that saw siblings/cousins/aunties once during the main school holidays and were 'invited' to tea. We had a family picnic one year where everyone convened at a beauty spot. That was once during my childhood! I only see them now at weddings/funerals!!
Our closest friends are in and out of each others houses/lives on a daily basis...that would drive me insane!! I consider that closeness to be odd!
The number of PIL/MIL/DIL threads on here show that in todays society we do not tolerate others opinions/actions...to be able to live with the 'whole village' principle would need us to be less pfb/sensitive and more tolerant.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/08/2013 16:52

Like kelda I went out to a mother and baby/ toddler group/ or coffee morning every day.
I agree it's unnatural to live in these cut off from the community and wider family "nuclear families" - all in our own little box. I think it's quite patriarchal and non- women friendly too.

Original poster
SpooMoo · 04/08/2013 16:54

ImTooHecsy yes I suppose I am talking about the physical, practical stuff not just chats with other mums. Like someone to have the baby while I go for a shit or make some lunch! Some days are fine but some days I get nothing done and I just want to hand her over to someone else.

OP posts:
MoominMammasHandbag · 04/08/2013 16:55

I think you are absolutely right OP; when I look back on it, being isolated with a young baby drove me a little crazy.
I love going on holiday with a big group, in a big house or camping. Everyone mucks in, shares the childcare and the chores, it is lovely.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/08/2013 16:55

Would you consider/ have room for an au pair ? Just a thought

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