to think we're not meant to live like this?

[SpooMoo]

I'm on maternity leave with my first baby. DH works weekdays, 8-6, no family living nearby.

I hate being left alone with the baby. It's so exhausting and relentless. She's a lovely active cute baby though.

I just feel like we're meant to bring up our kids in groups. There should be a little community all supporting each other, maybe my parents, his parents, siblings, friends... a commune? I just get filled with dread at the thought of another week, the days are just so long.

AIBU to think modern family life is too solitary and we're expecting new mums to do too much alone?

(BTW I appreciate some people have it worse than me and I tip my hat to you)

I remember it being like that with a newborn OP but it was more the emotional support/adult company that I craved not the physical help so I think YANBU to think communal support would be good.

I also found it hard as a first time older mum as other mums at groups/school gates seem to have already established friendships from when they've had their first children and aren't looking to meet anyoneelse.

Come toddlerhood though, everything seemed easier and I couldn't think of anything worse than being in a big group of other mums,being under each others feet and trying to fit in with each others parenting styles - there lies the road to madness

Yanbu - I can totally relate. I moved to DHs city leaving all my family and friends behind, and had both our dc here. Have struggled to make friends despite putting myself 'out there' so when dc1 came along I felt so so isolated and alone. Had my dmil nearby but she is unwell herself so no in way able to take dc for an hour or so while I napped/showered/made dinner. He was a total refluxed velcro baby and it was torture. Looking back, I would go through the pro-longed labour again but could never repeat them first six months. I took him to groups regularly but it just wasn't the same. Like you I enjoyed the company but it wasn't 'help' and practical support which a knackered new mother needs.
We all accept that looking after a new baby is pretty gruelling in the early days so why shouldn't a new mother feel the need for a little respite via help from loved ones.

Definitely go and stay with family for a bit. When I go to my dparents, all my relatives flock to see us and I hardly see the dc Dc can be quite clingy as they are not used to being surrounded by so many people but it gets easier as they get older and dc1 never wants to come back as he adores the company and getting spoilt
My dsis gets so much help and support as she lives a few streets away from dparents. They had dnephew overnight from 1year+ and as he was used to them, she had no worries of him crying etc in the night. I was in such a panic for months about what would happen to dc1 overnight when I would go into labour with dc2. She had no worries like that. Though I love her to bits, as you can tell I am quite envious!

I am totally with you. I would love to live in a commune. If they weren't so hippy dippy, I would look for one. I would happily be on a cooking and cleaning rota. Feel for you.

You have to make a community. Join things. Playgroups. They are weird at first, but you soon get the hang of them.

Hugs, Spoo, i remember it so well, but it will get better. You have come from a busy work life where you knew everyone, to a new world where you haven't yet got any friends. Its a bit like starting UNi, or a new job, but without the organised activities. As you say, it's boring and you feel other people are having a wonderful time somewhere else without you.

All you really need is one good friend to start with. Until you have that, fake it by going to stuff and asking people back. Nobody will care if you live in a flat. But it's summer, so arrange to meet in the park if you prefer. And I do think that going regularly to the same activity will increase your chances of making some friends.

Is there a mumsnet local group? Can you post there and ask for some mumsnetters to meet in a park for a picnic?

I think you have a point OP. I didn't have any family nearby but I had a nice neighbour who helped a lot in the very early days as she loved babies. So I considered myself very lucky. But there were still quite a lot of times I felt frazzled.

yes agree TeWi. invite one ir two over, they wont care about the lack of space.are you a bit shy as well op or have you lost some confidence? i

I have to say I would absolutely hate it, but I accept I am in the minority

I like being a little unit of just me DH and the dc, it's lovely to see people but I wouldn't want them being so, well, involved for want of a better word

I felt a bit like that after DD my mum flew over from Ireland for a couple of weeks but after she went home and DH went back to work it did seem like a long day.

Especially when they're really new and it's your first one.

It's better now she's a chatty toddler and I make a point of organising an outing if not with friends then at least the park or somewhere. It can be tricky too when you're also trying not to spend money!

So much time at the beginning seemed to be just breastfeeding constantly even just a friend hanging round the house to chat to is good.

After all that though I really enjoy being at home now and find it suits me but it took a lot more effort and planning to get things that way than I thought it would!

YANBU I feel the same.

We have just been staying at my parents house for 3 weeks, my little sister is 10 and we have had lots of teenage cousins and aunts and uncles staying aswell as old family friends who also have kids. It was amazing, I actually found myself missing ds (6 months) some of the time as family members would wisk him away and change his nappy before I had the chance. It was all positive though, There was always someoone to watch ds or play with ds so I could shower/nap/cook diner/wash clothes.

My little sister was an especially big help, she is only 10 so I couldn't leave ds with her and go out but i could leave him with her in the (baby safe) living room and cook dinner and instruct her to shout for me if there was an issue. She carried him around in a sling and she loved feeding him. Ds likes to sleep on people so I would feed him to sleep and then I would give him to my little sis and she would just sit holding him till he woke up.

At home we also live in a flat with lots of stairs, I don't feel bad inviting friends with babies over but I worn them to bring a sling or leave their buggy downstairs.

My dp's family live close by so we do see lots of them but it is different to my own family, we also go out every day, ds needs more than just me now. It is much easier if we get out and go somewhere anywhere

When dd was young I wouldn't have cared if someone lived in a cage guarded by wild beasts as long as they had cake and were willing to let me sit on their sofa and chat to me. Actually, scratch the cake - I can bring some!

So do invite someone over if they seem nice.

With the broken sleep and constant tiredness it feels unbelievable that I'm left to get on with it without a chance for a morning/afternoon off.

Whilst nice if grandparents want to help out, i do think as adults we choose to have a child and therefore bear the responsibility. Grandparents should have the fun part and that doesnt mean childcare. However given the amount of posts on here moaning about grandparents, its not hard to believe many dont get involved. I certainly wouldnt expect friends to have a hand in raising others children.

You can hire a sitter if you need a break and when you return to work you will find it less isolating and the day will fly by.

YANBU. It would be interesting to know whether any studies have been done on the incidence of PND in tribal societies. I would be surprised if it's much of an issue.

It gets better. At about 12 weeks I found a friend who'd have my DS for a couple of hours if I had hers for a couple another time. We did that 3 times a week for each other and it made SO much difference. Now he's much older it doesn't matter as much as he's crawling and can entertain himself for a bit with his toys, but it's still pretty full on if I go a week in the holidays without a break!

I could have written this post 2 years ago when dd was tiny. I dreaded it, We were new to the area with a few friends most of which lived over an hour away, no family within a 4 hour drive at least.

Are you going back to work at all? That really helped me. And with my non working days I went to as many clubs etc as we could. As for support, that's hard. A few weekends ago both me and DH were feeling unwell and we found the day looking after a tantruming 2 year old really hard!

We have made the decision to put the house on the market and move closer to family. Luckily I have a good family who will help out if we are local.

Yes visit family and have a break.

If your in Suffolk pm me.

totally sympathise. all our family are 100s of miles away and I can feel very lonely and isolated, and I especially did when DS was a baby (and so ill with eczema he only slept max 40 minutes at a time day or night for several months....)

the things that kept me sane - baby groups (although when he was very ill I couldn't go to these), seeing local friends even if they didn't have children, and... going back to work (when DS was 7 months old). I know it sounds awful but working a few days a week has made a massive difference to me, it gives me a break and company of other adults and it also means we have enough spare cash for me to travel to see our (far flung) family. it also has been nice for DS to have a network of children to play with and other adults to play with/ learn from/ be close to.

it does get a bit easier as your child gets older but equally you realise they need family around too. we have some close friends who are like surrogate family to him, and we catch up with ours whenever we can. we don't ever get any babysitting though and can't justify the cost of paying for a babysitter and a night out really

like you it is hard to invite people round as our house is very small. however, I have found people are up for arranging to meet at the park or similar instead. also, it has never actually been a problem having people round when I have invited them, its just I tend to get stressed about the idea of it! I've realised this now and am trying to overcome it and just invite them, as I think it is what helps turn people from aquaintances into friends.

YANBU.It is very easy for a new mother to become isolated.AS others said try to get yourselves out a bit and meet other mums.Maybe you will find someone local with a similar aged child who you get on with.

OP I am lucky because we live very near to my parents and it's been great for all of us since DS was born.

I get help, they adore DS, he adores them. My brother and his family are also nearby so even though his children are teenagers and DS is only 4, DS gets to see a lot of his cousins and he loves that.

DH's sister lives a few miles away and will babysit for us and adores DS.

I do think it's good to live near family. There's always someone to help or visit or talk to, and I know DS likes having relatives nearby. Even extended family from further away are valued by him, he's always talking about his cousins, even the ones in Australia.

I know it's not that way from everyone, I appreciate how lucky we are. And I understand that not everyone would want things the way we have them, but it works for us. I think extended family and older relatives have a lot to give to younger generations and it makes me sad that none of my grandparents were alive when DS was born. All three of them would have adored him and he them. I loved them and learned a lot from them, we lived over the road from one set and as a child I loved being able to cross the road and see them whenever I wanted to.

And even though I've posted on here about the problems with my in-laws, it makes me sad that their behaviour has resulting in this situation because it means DS is now cut off from a set of grandparents that in other circumstances could have been just as loved and valued as my parents.

I do agree that it shouldn't be expected of anybody else in the family. If you choose to have a child then that child is your responsibility. But I do think that if you have family nearby who want to help and who are appreciated and helped in return, then that's a great thing.

YANBU it's a lonely, isolating time and it shouldn't be.

Dontmindifido great post.

OP, it gets better, it really does honey. I know that thought doesn't help at 2pm when you have done everything and there are still FIVE HOURS until bedtime, or in the middle of the night when every fibre of your being is screaming for sleep.... but it gets so, so much better.

Swallow your pride and invite one or two of the mums to your flat. Hopefully this will result in reciprocal invitations! Somehow seeing each other in your homes fast-tracks the intimacy of a friendship.

So many women are suffering extreme loneliness when they become mothers these days. My husband also works very long hours, leaving the house at 8.30 am and returning at 8 pm.

I made a group of mums friends with my first ds but that group eventually drifted apart -I suspect due to gossip and probably silly misunderstandings - so by the time I had my second baby, I was pretty much on my own again.

I didn't make much of an effort the second time as I was disappointed and didn't want to spend time and energy on socialising with people whom I probably didn't have much in common in the first place. Only have a couple of mum friends at the moment but I find the whole organising to meet up and interacting a bit draining sometimes.

Sorry if I sound a bit negative but I think motherhood is a very lonely business in this country and the price of making friends and social networks is a bit too high at times.

Now that my children are a bit older, I enjoy more being just the three of us to the point that a lot of times I enjoy more spending the day just with them than meeting other frustrated, bored and exhausted parents and having those fragmented pieces of conversation between coffees and children hovering around us like butterflies.

It's true - It takes a village to raise a child.

Sadly, there is little community spirit any more.

Congratulations!

It's shit finding out you have been left holding the baby... (I was at around 6 months, he left).

You just get by day by day, sometimes it's great, sometimes it's shit.

I got through 22 years on my own. He's now at uni.

You will get through this.

yanbu

I felt the same when I had my PFB. Society has evolved so that we don't seem to have that same sense of community any more.

It does get easier though. I found that when my first went to school I developed some really close friendships and I feel now that I have a very strong support network.