to think we're not meant to live like this?

[SpooMoo]

I'm on maternity leave with my first baby. DH works weekdays, 8-6, no family living nearby.

I hate being left alone with the baby. It's so exhausting and relentless. She's a lovely active cute baby though.

I just feel like we're meant to bring up our kids in groups. There should be a little community all supporting each other, maybe my parents, his parents, siblings, friends... a commune? I just get filled with dread at the thought of another week, the days are just so long.

AIBU to think modern family life is too solitary and we're expecting new mums to do too much alone?

(BTW I appreciate some people have it worse than me and I tip my hat to you)

Is your husband supportive at weekends? I know it's difficult when they're at work all week and you have to cope with it alone. (My ex was pretty useless all of the time so I was on my own!)

I agree with inviting people over, one at a time. I did not mind going into flats when I had a small child, DS loved climbing the stairs and pressing the intercom button. I was happy as long as there was the prospect of a cup of tea and some adult conversation for an hour or so.

I did NCT classes and in hindsight that was brilliant because there was a ready-formed support group or community. They've all cut me out (apart from one) now our babies are nearly 5, but it doesn't matter so much because I have other mum friends now. You could ask your local NCT branch if they arrange small support groups as some do, or they have coffee mornings run in other mums' homes which is helpful. It feels more intimate than a church hall somewhere and it tends to be the same small group who go. Or if you have some spare money, you could look at a specific class like baby signing, baby swimming, baby yoga etc. It is very much "work" to try to get to know people in the beginning but it is worth it. I also found a children's centre group which ran 4 out of 7 days a week which was invaluable - a small group from there used to meet on the "day off" and sometimes at the weekends and they invited me along after a short while. (I actually don't know what I'd have done without that children's centre group, it saddens me to hear that CCs might be closing)

Search on facebook to see if there are any mum & baby centric groups in your area you could join to get to know some other people. If you are at all attachment parenting inclined you could also look for a sling meet or La Leche League group.

IME it doesn't get less lonely when they talk (because they still don't provide the same stimulation as adult conversation) but it does get less lonely when you have at least a couple of numbers in your phone who you can text and say "Fancy coming over for a coffee this afternoon". The good news is, you can get to that point much faster than your baby learning to talk too :)

Another idea is to ask your health visitor perhaps if she knows any other new mums who might be a bit isolated or want a "buddy" and see if she can set you up a meeting at the children's centre or somewhere like that?

Yes it's lonely on your own but is they no one else nearby to befriend? When on maternity leave tried to have at least 3-4 arrangements each week - either baby groups eg baby massage or going to visit friends with kids? I did have a car though so that made it easier - if totally bored I would wander round shopping centre or similar.

I agree op, that's why we moved back to our hometown when we had kids, so lovely to have all the family around to help out. I know I would have found it so much harder without them. In the end no-one else is as interested in, as committed to or loves your children as much as their grandparents, aunts uncles etc

Being at home on your own with a small baby and no support is hard - I had no family and was a single parent (DSs father not on the scene) and I was very conscious at times of what I didn't have, and felt I should have. At baby clinic, I was the only one there every week on my own, all the others had their mums, or sisters, or partners.

There are lots more baby groups than there were when I had my DS (nearly 15 years ago now!), it is worth going to as many as you can find til you hit on one that suits you, one of my friends had a baby at the end of last year, her family are on another continent, but she has made several good friends now through her favourite baby group. So it can work.

Do you have a local payasyougo gym with a crèche? That saved my sanity. Sometimes I had a coffee and read a magazine and didn't bother with the gym. An hours freedom was bliss.

Can you look after someone's child for a few hours and swap the favour?

Ask people if they fancy meeting up. Don't expect many yes's as people are sometimes in established friendship groups etc, but if you expect the worst and don't take it personally, then people may surprise you. It only takes one...

I completely agree with you too spoo.

Yes I agree.

So lonely and dull just spending all day caring for a child. My dp is working away at the moment too so it is even more lonely as I don't see him at nights and every weekend. I don't know how single parents with no support cope.

I am looking for part time work at the moment and can't wait to find something to break up the week and speak to other adults.

And I do go to toddler groups twice a week but this just fills 2 mornings and ds does go to nursery 2 times a week but even with those breaks (which I know I'm lucky to have) I still find it so lonely.

I think having a couple of close friends or family living nearby would make such a difference.

kind of with Worra on this one. even if you live within an extended family community you can't assume people will want to provide support, regardless of how close the ties are. learnt that the hard way . might be a case of feeling the grass is always greener OP?

Also I wouldn't be expecting free childcare or anything like that, just casual cups of tea and chat would be nice.

I am heartened and shocked at the same time how many unbelievably lonely Mums there are on here all the time. I am heartened because it means I am not the only one but shocked that we haven't found a MN solution other than the local meetups which seem to be off to a very slow (read nonexistant) start in my area at least.

I think if you find the right group you can get support from it, but it s very hard to find someone who is in the same boat as you emotionally, and often someone who will admit to feeling so alone, we are all so good at the facade of happy motherhood! Stiff upper lip and all that.

OP I agree that we have got it all wrong in terms of being dumped at home on your own for long periods of the day with no break or support, fully agree that it takes a village to raise a child, but sadly most of us do not live in that situation.

Let all move to a MN commune??

meso I agree, I think in my head as a lonely new mum it never occurred to me that other mums at the group might me feeling the same. I am starting to wonder how many others felt the same as me. I have seen sneery threads on here about baby music classes etc but for me they quite simply saved me from a very dark place. I never expected ds to be the next mozart, I just wanted to be around other people. I know I am lucky though as we could afford the cost of these groups. There are no free groups in my village and no easy way to get to the free groups by public transport.
I don't know what the solution is really but it seems there are a lot of mums out there who are really lonely

a poster said up thread if there had been any research into PND in more tribal societies where women are not left holding the baby all alone but have other women around them.

does anyone know of any and if this does indeed affect PND levels.

really interested.

spoo you are right it's bloody lonely but it honestly does get better. go out, excercise with the buggy. look out for groups, as others have said.

just lost a long post to add to your thread GRRR [ctr A , ctrl C !!)

In summary: I felt exactly the same when I had my first - not just socially but also practically. I'd had major abdominal surgery (c/s) and was expected to fully look after her, feed her etc - on my own . It seemed far too much to me! 'we're not supposed to live like this!' I gasped to myself (nobody else to listen!)

My husband was african and I longed to be in an african village with everyone piling in...

If you're neither here nor there about the groups, they take it as a rejection - sounds mad but that's how group dynamics work re if you're not that fussed about them, they won't be that fussed about you iyswim. Hand to the pump, girl - get involved. Go regularly, get your face on the map. A good way to get your face on the map in record time is to volunteer - eg setting up the room for the baby group. That type of thing.

People are isolated for any number of reasons - age (young and old ), ill-health, divorce, money, lone parents, working from home, plain nuclear family! We (culturally) were insistent we wanted our autonomy and independence... and look where it got us! As usual, no-one thinks of the women and children. eg African, middle eastern, asian do take into account the 'vulnerability' of women and children - though they can go too far the other way, of course .

the emphasis is on Friends (capital F) and if, for whatever reason, you don't have that particular skill, you're (potentially) fucked.

Not right, is it

[ctr A , ctrl C]

Maybe MN could set up a "buddy seeking" system through local? You could sign up with your postcode and due date/child's birth date (both hidden) and then set a preference to be matched with others who have a child close in age, or geographical location. If there was anybody who fit both criteria then they would be a first choice but if not then either the closest geographically or people with children the same age as yours could be matched based on which you and they had set as a priority.

The postnatal threads on here are actually really good for chat and having someone to talk baby talk to. You might even find someone lives near enough to you that you can meet up occasionally. Have you looked up yours?

I'll be anyone's buddy. If anyone is in Manchester you can totally rock up to my house with baby/ies :)

OP, I totally sympathise. I remember feeling exactly the same when DS was a baby. We were also in a small flat with no family nearby, DH working long hours, and DS was a very difficult baby. The summer holidays in particular, when all the groups stopped, was a very lonely time indeed. I remember wishing desperately that I could hand my baby over to someone for half an hour just for a break.

What saved me was going to stay with my parents at occasional intervals, leaving DH at home. I found having a baby soooo easy when there were grandparents to dote on him and someone else to do the cooking, washing etc. And of course, the adult company was great. If you can do something similar, I would highly recommend it

Four years on and life is very much easier. It really does get better

I agree OP, it would be wonderful to seeing up children around their extended family & friends. I have often thought communal living would be great since having the dc's.

Thank you for all the replies everyone. It's comforting to know it's not just me! The buddy seeking system sounds like a great idea Yonibotts.

OP, I share your views. Living in the olden days was so much easier in regards to child rearing. Nowadays it is just too much for the small family units. Too much. I can't see a way around it, though, at this moment...

Another person in agreement here. When I had DD I was living elsewhere and some distance from my parents. I had PND and really struggled in the early days.

DD2 arrived 2 weeks ago and I now live a short drive from my dad. It has made such a difference. My partner went back to work today and it was great because my dad and step mum popped over for a couple of hours which helped to break up the day.

I agree too, I think that raising children should be done in groups, due to longish periods of being alone with very young children I have often considered it, thinking back to the days we lived in caves, the men went off to hunt, the women stayed looking after the children. I think that the more interaction children get with other adults and children the more rounded they maybe. also though it doesn't take much longer to prepare a meal for 8 than it would 4, so sharing tasks would ease the burden of keeping the home too. I also wondered if babies should be breastfed by several mothers to increase and share the antibodies etc, though it seems quite logical to me I'm not sure i would have ever been up for it!

You have to reach out. Go out. Make it happen. It's very very hard. I used to go to all sorts of playgroups, not because I particularly them but because there were other human beings there.

I don't think mother and toddler groups etc are necessarily that different from the oldfashioned village community- even in the oldie worldie village, once you had moved to marry your husband (even tribal people do marry across small tribal groups), you would have to make that initial effort to get to know people and fit in with them. And if you didn't have the skills to get accepted by your MIL/SILs/other mothers of your new trible or village, you were still fucked. Sense of community has never been something that has been handed out on a plate: it's something that happens if people work on it and take initiatives.

As soon as I read your thread title I knew what you were going to say. I totally understand.
My mum died before DS was born, and my dad sees a lot of his new wife's grandchild (same age) but not my boy due to distance. My in-laws live far away too. Its really difficult and I feel sad that there aren't many people who love and play with my little boy. We go to lots of baby groups but its not quite the same. Most of the people at baby group or on facebook talk about weekends/ time off spent with extended family. I feel sad that I don't get to share my little boy with family as much as I'd like and I worry about what impact it'll have on him. I always had my heart set on two kids but I honestly don't think I could cope without the support. How do other people do it?