I?m 38 weeks pregnant. As a bit of background exP and I were together 3 years before we found out (baby was not planned). On finding out I was pregnant he first tried to force me into an abortion and later made threats towards me and the baby. That caused us to split and he now maintains the baby is not his as we were using contraception.
I had a good relationship with exP's parents and over the 3 years we were together went to numerous family occasions and have stayed with them several times. His mother and I have maintained contact, mainly through facebook, and she is excited about baby (first grandchild). She has expressed how disappointed she is with her son and is planning on visiting with exP's sister when baby is born. I haven't been in contact with exP's father and didn't really know what his feelings are about the baby or the situation.
Anyway, all was fine until yesterday ExP's mother messaged me about baby and in message asked if I had decided on names yet. I said I had a few names in mind although still not sure but had decided on the middle name for both a boy and girl. The middle names I have chosen are both meaningful (grandmother's name or late uncle's name). I told ExP'sM the names I've chosen and why. She then got a bit funny and said, "Oh, you're not using [ExP's middle name] then?"
ExP's middle name is a family middle name which is passed down through oldest son - his father has that middle name as did grandfather etc. I knew this but it never occurred to me to use this middle name as ExP doesn't see baby as his (although s/he is) and has no interest in the baby or being a father. However his mother has now been messaging telling me how upset exP's father is that I won't use the name and that it's unfair of me not to carry on the tradition etc as it makes it look like I'm shunning baby's paternal side and they want to be involved even if exP doesn't.
This isn't the case at all. I have always maintained that I will ensure grandparents are involved where they want to be and have been in contact with exP's mother throughout pregnancy. However, I do not really feel comfortable with using exP's middle name if my child is a boy. I'm not trying to shun baby's grandfather but I do feel that, as ex is uninterested in baby and may not even acknowledge baby as his child it would be unfair on both baby and ex-partner to use his middle name. But his parents maintain that it is oldest son and that if my baby is a boy (which I am now beginning to hope it isn't) tradition dictates baby has family middle name.
If baby is a boy he could of course have two middle names, the one I've chosen and exP's family name, but for so many reasons I really don't want to. ExP really hurt me and although on surface I may be coping I miss him and I am terrified about being a single mum, I admit part of me feels he just doesn't deserve baby to have his family middle name, even if it will upset grandparents. I'm also now worried about telling them baby will have my surname and starting to regret being so keen to allow his parents to be involved.
So, am I being totally unfair and unreasonable towards ExP's parents, and particularly, father on this issue? Or are they being unreasonable in wanting me to use family name when their son refuses to be involved? I am really not sure and I want to do the right thing by them, but also want to do right thing by myself and baby. Thanks and sorry this is so long.