Not to use exP's middle name for baby? ('IL' problem, who is BU?)

[chesterberry]

I?m 38 weeks pregnant. As a bit of background exP and I were together 3 years before we found out (baby was not planned). On finding out I was pregnant he first tried to force me into an abortion and later made threats towards me and the baby. That caused us to split and he now maintains the baby is not his as we were using contraception.

I had a good relationship with exP's parents and over the 3 years we were together went to numerous family occasions and have stayed with them several times. His mother and I have maintained contact, mainly through facebook, and she is excited about baby (first grandchild). She has expressed how disappointed she is with her son and is planning on visiting with exP's sister when baby is born. I haven't been in contact with exP's father and didn't really know what his feelings are about the baby or the situation.

Anyway, all was fine until yesterday ExP's mother messaged me about baby and in message asked if I had decided on names yet. I said I had a few names in mind although still not sure but had decided on the middle name for both a boy and girl. The middle names I have chosen are both meaningful (grandmother's name or late uncle's name). I told ExP'sM the names I've chosen and why. She then got a bit funny and said, "Oh, you're not using [ExP's middle name] then?"

ExP's middle name is a family middle name which is passed down through oldest son - his father has that middle name as did grandfather etc. I knew this but it never occurred to me to use this middle name as ExP doesn't see baby as his (although s/he is) and has no interest in the baby or being a father. However his mother has now been messaging telling me how upset exP's father is that I won't use the name and that it's unfair of me not to carry on the tradition etc as it makes it look like I'm shunning baby's paternal side and they want to be involved even if exP doesn't.

This isn't the case at all. I have always maintained that I will ensure grandparents are involved where they want to be and have been in contact with exP's mother throughout pregnancy. However, I do not really feel comfortable with using exP's middle name if my child is a boy. I'm not trying to shun baby's grandfather but I do feel that, as ex is uninterested in baby and may not even acknowledge baby as his child it would be unfair on both baby and ex-partner to use his middle name. But his parents maintain that it is oldest son and that if my baby is a boy (which I am now beginning to hope it isn't) tradition dictates baby has family middle name.

If baby is a boy he could of course have two middle names, the one I've chosen and exP's family name, but for so many reasons I really don't want to. ExP really hurt me and although on surface I may be coping I miss him and I am terrified about being a single mum, I admit part of me feels he just doesn't deserve baby to have his family middle name, even if it will upset grandparents. I'm also now worried about telling them baby will have my surname and starting to regret being so keen to allow his parents to be involved.

So, am I being totally unfair and unreasonable towards ExP's parents, and particularly, father on this issue? Or are they being unreasonable in wanting me to use family name when their son refuses to be involved? I am really not sure and I want to do the right thing by them, but also want to do right thing by myself and baby. Thanks and sorry this is so long.

Mumoftwo, you predict wrong as I lost both my parents as a child.

It is hard when long distance but there are many others ways to keep in touch and visits can be done both ways rather than just down to the MIL.

Its so sad that many say she has no right to ask anything or seek contact, family just doesnt seem important anymore. MN is full of posts moaning about grandparents not providing childcare, giving them sweets, buying presents that dont meet parents expectations its quite sad. Yes her son behaved badly but she hasnt. All she seems to be doing is keeping in contact and looking forward to be a gran.

His parents haven't behaved badly-although it sounds as if they might be starting to!

They might be good GPs, they might not.

If they turn out not to be, then Ops child would be better off without them imo.

I do appreciate that it was her son, not her, who behaved badly happymummyofone. I don't know whether she has rights to see her grandchild or not but I do very strongly believe that my child has the right to grandparents who will love him/her and I think it's important for children to have links to their wider family.

I was not trying to be cruel in keeping visits to only every few months - I don't envisage seeing my own parents much more. They live just under 200 miles away. I am a teacher and tend to go and see my parents in the longer school holidays (Easter, Summer and Christmas) and they come to visit me for a few weekends in-between. I don't see this changing drastically when I have a baby as, once I go back to work (part-time) I will not really be able to visit anybody at those distances during term-times. Obviously I know when the baby is first born it will all be different and everybody will want visits to be more frequent and my mum is going to come and stay with me for the first month as otherwise I will be on my own, but once I go back to work I would expect visits to be every few months for both sets of grandparents. That's not to say I will refuse more frequent contact by either side, but it's not what I'm expecting. We will of course stay in touch in other ways too - photos can be shared on facebook and we can use skype to talk. I don't envisage myself going to visit baby's paternal grandparents because their son lives in the same town and I think that would be a bit much, but if he moves that might be a possibility too, although I don't drive currently.

I really don't want to come across like I don't care about their feelings in this because I do and I want to do the right thing by everyone, but not at the expense of doing the right thing by myself and obviously my baby, who must come first.

chesterberry you sound like you are going to be a great Mum. All the best to you.

I think you're being more than reasonable Chester. You need to make sure you don't tie yourself in knots trying to keep everybody else happy- you are the only parent your baby will have so you are absolutely right to prioritise the baby's needs, and everyone else will need to fit in.

The outrage over only 4/5 visits a year is laughable. So what if the Op was a grandmother and her DIL said they could do 4/5 visits per year? At those distances , and as a single parent with and inflexible job, I think 5 visits per year is more than reasonable to aim for.We live similar distances from all sets of grandparents and it's a struggle to fit in that many visits, when you take into account 4 sets of grandparents and several siblings, before even thinking about visits with friends, holidays, stuff that you have to do at home and only have weekends to do it in.

If you don't drive then long-distance visits on your own with a baby, all the baby stuff, and the trials of public transport are not something you want to have to do very often.

And you are entirely justified in wanting to avoid your ex given his threats to you and the baby. At some point you might have to explain this to your exMIL, even though you want to protect her relationship with her son.

"There are a few other aspects of his behaviour I haven't shared because I worry she would find them unforgivable, for example he repeatedly told me he was hoping I'd miscarry. His mother had a child who was stillborn so I think that news would be devastating to her and she might not forgive him for saying that. His mum already feels bad about the situation and her relationship with my exP has already suffered over this so I don't want to give her all of the nasty details and risk damaging their relationship permanently."
And that is very decent of you, OP. But please do not place her feelings above your own. Possibly even consider that she has the right to know.

And don't feel you have to justify expecting to see them 'only' around five times a year. I live 350 miles from my home town, and between my mother's health (so unable to travel) and our work/school commitments, she sees my son (her only grandchild) just two or three times a year. And we have no complications! Distance is a problem, your expectations are entirely reasonable.

Do XPIL know that the child will have your surname? That will really set them off if they don't know!

Thank you to everybody who has been so supportive here, I can't really talk to anybody in RL about any of this so it means a lot to me to have people who are happy to take the time to read my posts and reply. Thanks.

I haven't discussed the surname with anybody but I am seriously doubting that exP will want to travel the 300 miles to register the birth of a baby he refuses to acknowledge as his. If he isn't on the birth certificate then obviously baby can't take his surname. If he does suddenly decide to turn up then I guess I will have to explain the situation to him and will make sure I have brought a friend or parent along to ensure he doesn't intimidate me into anything. I don't plan to encourage him being there as I think it will be easier if he is not on birth certificate, although I appreciate he does have a right to do so if he wants to be. My plan is to contact him when baby is born to tell him he has a son/daughter and I will tell him to contact me within the week if he wants to come to register the birth, thus putting the onus on him to contact me to find out the date and time I'll be registering.

I am hoping that paternal grandparents will be understanding about baby having my surname anyway, surely it is completely reasonable to ensure baby's surname is of the parent who is committed to bring him/her up rather than a parent who quite possibly won't be there at all?

Also, most of the first names I like are fairly unusual so I am feeling prepared for people to have some issues with the name, particularly older generations. Perhaps that will eclipse the surname issue.

Also, most of the first names I like are fairly unusual so I am feeling prepared for people to have some issues with the name, particularly older generations. Perhaps that will eclipse the surname issue

I'm sorry you are going through this alone, you are handling this brilliantly - especially given what a complete bastard he has been.

Definitely give the baby your surname, whether he turns up to register the birth or not.

I wouldn't even tell him when I was registering the birth - I'd just do it myself as I wouldn't want there to be any hassle.

I wouldn't choose to use any name from his side of the family because I have a feeling it will all go arse up when he kicks off about them being involved or when you don't hand the baby over to them for overnights etc. I think you would then resent having 'their name' on your baby.

I agree that you need to put some distance and some boundaries between you and the ExPIL's as they are already showing overbearing tendancies. This is your baby and they should be very very happy that you are allowing them to be a part of it all - they should not be putting any pressure on you about anything and they are!

I think you should tell her everything he said and did. It's the reasonable thing to do. He behaved very badly and really, you are not responsible for cushioning them against this. They really do need to know just how awful he has been, if you don't tell them now it might look like sour grapes later on if you bring it up and you might need to depending on his behaviour.

Frankly, if it was me, I would not allow him to be a part of my baby's life and I would not have allowed/encourgaged his parents involvement either.

I saw both sets of grandparents about 4 or 5 times a year so don't feel bad about limiting it. As for the name issue - I expect at some point your ex will grow up and start a family so the name can be used for the eldest of that.

Use the names you want and don't feel pressurized at all.

YANBU and you are handling things brilliantly as far as I'm concerned

Your ex's mother had no right to try and guilt you into using a certain name, that is completely inappropriate even if you were still together. Family traditions can be lovely but only if all the family agree (ie you!) parents are the only ones who should ever have a say in what their child is called and as you are the only involved parent that is complelety your choice

If you want to use another name linked to that side then I'm sure they'd love that but please be sure it's something you're comfortable with

Chester I just wanted to say you are a real credit to yourself, and you sound like you'll be a great Mum. You are very kind and considerate with your baby's paternal grandparents.

They must be so utterly ashamed and devastated by him.

YANBU

But, tell MIL (I know she isn't but you know what I mean) that as ExP is ignoring your child he might want to use the name for a future child he does acknowledge as his.

I would also make the same point as sashh esp if he has previously been abusive to you. He could well be furious you did that, I would feel very exposed. His parents may mean this in the kindest of ways but under the circumstances it's not a great idea.

I agree abt giving the child your surname too.

One thing to consider is how someone (your child) will feel having a name that comes from someone who doesn't want anything to do with them, has made their mum feel awful.

It may be a tad unkind to give them something that is meant to be theirs but comes from someone who is so negative towards them.

and defiantly use your own surname.

I don't blame you for not using his middle name.

Sorry to sound a bit blunt, but if he had had his way, and you had had an abortion, there wouldn't be a baby to name. Perhaps your ex-partner's mother should know that! He has rejected the baby, and therefore you can reject any of his/their traditions. I wouldn't want a name associated with someone who had wanted to abort me, or threatened an unborn me and my mother.
I am sorry you have had such a hard time. His family is lucky you are trying to stay in touch at all.

Under the circumstances I think you are absolutely reasonable to use the names of your choice. You are under no obligation whatsoever to use this family name. If you are happy to do it then that's different. But they sound nice people so let them down gently as I'm sure you will. But it might be a girl in any case in which case the problem won't even arise.

I agree that giving your baby any part of your expartner's name would be an unusual thing to do as you aren't married, you don't have his surname and he doesn't intend to be in the baby's life. I don't see a logical reason why your exboyfriend's parents would expect a child he won't acknowledge to have his name. That's living in lala land to me.
You want a child to have your surname you marry the mother and stay with her.
For me giving a child his father's surname is something usually only done by married couples or couples who have been together a long time. I hate it when parents change their child's surname every time they get a new bloke. This bloke isn't going to be in your life so there is no sensible reason to give the child his name.
The middle name thing is a family tradition he can discuss with the woman he eventually decides to settle down, marry and jointly bring up kids with.
His family's traditions don't concern you as you aren't a member of his family.
I would keep your exe's parents at a distance, they may want to see the baby now but I wouldn't be surprised if in the future their son marries and has kids and they then don't have time to visit your son. Usually access to paternal grandparents is via the father. I understand you don't want him involved at the moment given his threats. I'm surprised you're even contemplating asking him to go to the birth registration with his threats to the baby.

Chester: IMPORTANT - I think if father's name is on the birth certificate,
he then automatically has legal visitation rights.
He may turn round in a few months / years time and claim these rights in court.

Please check the legalities of this asap or you may have regrets.

I have read heartbreaking threads on here of mothers havings to let arsehole fathers take the baby for overnight visiting.

I would be having a serious think about the birth certificate. Him being on it gives him parental responsibility so he will have a say in any major decisions even if he barely bothers on a day to to day basis. You could end up with the situation where his parents badger him into having visitation so that they get to see more of your baby. I've seen this happen on other forums where the dad has asked for overnights only to dump the baby at his parents because it was them who wanted to see the baby really. You can always tell your child why his father wasn't on the BC and his name when he asks.

Happy Sorry to hear you lost your parents when so young.

He can apply for PR even if not on the birth certificate. I would also consider just going to register without him as he may mess you around about being there or not. Plus it gets the name and surname done without his input.

OP, reasonably enough, you see the middle name as ex-P's middle name whereas they see it as "the family" middle name. They should be more empathetic to you.

OP you sound like you will do a great job as a mum to this lucky little baby. You are the only person in the world who deserves to pick your child's name. It's father gave up that right when he said the things he did.