to expect gps to respect my rules for the dcs?

[newryan]

Staying with gps for 3 weeks. OK it's not that long in the grand scheme of things but I am going crazier by the day.

I'm not over the top strict but my dcs need permission to watch tv, play on computer or get something to eat. However since we've been here every time I turn my back they have the tv on again ("granny said I could") or I've chucked one off the laptop as they've been on it too long and need to get outside and burn off some energy, only to find that grandpa has handed over his ipad. When I told my dad that they usually have a time limit on screens he said "well I don't go by those rules for them."

Yes it's their house, but the dcs are rapidly turning into slobby brats who can't entertain themselves without a screen of some kind. AIBU?

You are going to have hellish teen years you do realise that! You need to chill out a LOT

What rubbish remotecontolduck I know plenty of families with teens who DO monitor screen time, some of them are stricter than the OP. It doesn't necessarily have to be a battle, dc are used to the rules in THEIR family. You can't possibly predict how different children react to rules!

My own dd (12) asks before watching tv, I don't insist on it, she just does it.

This isn't just about monitoring screen time though Dancer. I restrict screen time for games etc, and most parents of teens I know do - homework can't be restricted, and more and more is done using the PC as they grow older. This level of restriction on a holiday seems totally OTT to me, esp. as they've been out during other activities during the day.

It's not about being controlling - it's about being a parent! Where do you draw the line - do you just let them do whatever they want?!
A 12 year old is not an adult -they don't always know the best decisions to make in certain circumstances. As a parent it's your job to teach, sure - not micro manage - but I don't think setting reasonable and workable screen limits for a pre teen can be classed as micro management.

Exactly cat98

On a 3 week holiday you relax the rules, surely to god! How many of us on holiday stick rigidly to our own home routine? Holidays are for kicking back and chilling out.

3 weeks is quite a long time - I imagine it would be quite a pain to get them back into their usual routine afterwards if limits are not only relaxed but disregarded completely.
Plus, what about the gps completely undermining the parents - this is what it sounds like!

But the op is trying to micro manage and in doing so has a seemingly very strict set of rules. How are the children going to learn to control things themselves if they grow up having someone else do it for them with no freedom at all?

3 weeks is not long - and it's not as if they are doing nothing, they are out and about. If the OPs DCs (who are not that young) are not able to differentiate between relaxed rules during a holiday, and a normal routine, and alternate accordingly, then perhaps there is a reason for that....too much control and rigid routines can do that.

It did irritate me too - that GPs just switch the TV on so easily
However, you have to remember that GPs are older and more tired than us
When my children's favourite Granpa was very ill, frail and dying the children spent some special times watching TV with him. It was all he could do with them - for the last 2 years.
So, I do understand your irritation, but I think you need to think about it from their perspective (kids and GPs).

Have I missed a post re micro managing? Genuine q - from the OP I don't get this at all, though I may have been reading too quickly

Frustrated artist - I appreciate that but nowhere does the OP say the grandparents are ill or very old.

For me it's the blatant "we don't have those rules in our house" or whatever it was that would irritate me. I don't think "our house, our rules" is appropriate when discussing something like this. Though I agree if the gps just don't want to entertain the dc the OP should do this if she's insisting on screen time being stopped.

at 12 to ask for food and ask to switch in the TV is very strange.

when will this near teen be actually starting to make sensible decisions about her managing her own time.

it doesn't just happen.

this level of control and micro managing will produce kids who can't live independently or else run for the hills when they are 16.

Still don't agree.

I don't know what else to say! It doesn't strike me as the slightest bit controlling, just parenting.

Ok....I do all the cooking because my mum doesn't know how to cook (apart from fish fingers etc, which we have sometimes) and gets very stressed about feeding 6 people for 3 weeks. I offered to do it and she accepted. It also makes me feel better about the expense of staying with them - this way I shop and pay.

There was no "search party" required for dd - we knew exactly where she was so it just required a quick knock on the door to tell her to come back. She got a warning this time - she is only 8 and can forget the time but if it happens again there will be a consequence. Ds has form for defiance and refusing to help so this has been an ongoing problem.

I don't think it's at all weird that they have to ask for food, especially when it's not my house. I don't refuse them food, unless it's sweets etc, or we are about to have a meal really soon. The 12yo often stays on her own these days and then of course she helps herself. I consider asking for food to be good manners.

I realise that all dcs are different. I take the approach I think is best with mine. My parents have had the chance to bring up their own dcs, so they don't get to make the rules with mine. My view (as I think I've said already) is that screens are very addictive and many dcs will simply default to a screen when they are bored. When the screens are turned of, they do so many other things they would not do otherwise, even if it's simply sitting and chatting. My mum is currently teaching dd how to knit! I also find that they are much more likely to argue about helping around the house when they are attached to a screen, and it's very important to me that they help as part of the normal routine. I am not a servant!

As for 3 weeks not being a long time, they are off school for 10 weeks in all so I do find it important not to lose all structure and routine.

Re the school work question, yes dd1 has around an hour a day to do on her laptop. She usually watches tv for half an hour or so during the week before bed.

My XPILs used to see my kids once every 2 weeks for an afternoon and would hustle them in and arrange them 2" away from their TV with a video on with a great show of ''here you go Fluffyraggies kids - A TELEVISION!'' as if they'd never been allowed to watch one in their lives

They had a huge garden (we had no garden back then) - and it could be a glorious day outside - but no - they can sit there and watch Bambi (for the millionth time).

FIL would have his head stuck in the 'Racing Post' and would barely acknowledge the kids and MIL would go off and do hoovering. Or whatever. Neither were frail. It was seriously odd.

After a respectful amount of time i would take the DCs outside with me and we'd run about and play. MIL would look at us as if we were mad. I'd invite her outside with us - but she just could not comprehend the kids not wanting to sit in front of a ginormous telly for 5 hours. I genuinely think she thought i was ruining their day and that i was very controlling.

Oh and i would have (and do) send an older DC after a younger DC if i'm busy.

It's called family life. It's not an hotel!

Well that's annoying they are ignoring your rules .. I think there needs to be some give and take, ie both of you compromise. Obviously rules are relaxed in the holidays and gps tend to indulge their gcs so I guess you anticipated this happening. 3 weeks is a really long time for them to put you up and there is a general feeling (in the UK at least) of 'my house my rules'. So I don't agree you are in control of rule setting in this situation.

Can you just set a certain amount of screen-free time a day, say 2 hours (depending on how many hours you would be at home)? If you are honestly that unhappy with the situation, you should go for much shorter visits in future.

Overall YABU, a bit.

As a a slight aside....we have good friends whose dd helps herself to food, fair enough, their choice/rules. Whenever we are there she is constantly eating biscuits and crisps and drinking coke. My dcs join in the fun while we're there which is fine. However this girl is now quite overweight and obviously hasn't regulated her intake very well. Her mum is worried but can't seem to stop her dd (who is only 9) taking whatever she wants, which she now needs to do if she wants to continue having the cupboards full of treat-food. So I don't think a child who is allowed to help themselves necessarily regulates their intake, not sure mine would either.

Shorter visits not really an option at the moment, as we live a long way away.

The problem there isn't a child who can't regulate their intake but a parent who fills the cupboards with junk food and won't just say "no" to their child. You can tell a child "between meals you can only eat x y and z without asking".
If a child is eating alot of sweets and crisps then it obviously isn't "treat" food and has just become part of her ordinary diet. It's very easy to stop buying it.

That's not so different then from what I do, which is expect them to check with me before they take something to eat.

YANBU, OP is managing her children, if her parent's actions are making this more difficult without significantly increasing her childrens pleasure then what is the point?

I hate this grandparent right to spoil thing with a passion, it actually seems to make my children unhappy for the following few days and surely it's bollocks. Of course GPs should have fun with children, and relax and not be controlled by all the parents' boundaries - but most boundaries are made for the children's well-being and happiness and I do not understand why these are good things to constantly undermine. Too much screentime can make children really grumpy and irritable - so they are not having fun, it's hardly draconian to try and protect them from that.

Parent your way - Grandparent your children's way I reckon.

And meant to say thanks for all the comments, obviously the votes of confidence are appreciated but I am grateful to have all points of view.

This thread is an interesting contrast to the 'your house your rules' approach that seems a very common mantra on MN. I think essentially that's the problem here, the clash between house rules and parent rules.

My parents are stricter than me so when we visit I follow their rules (or at least don't flout them in their faces), and when they visit me I try and adapt too. I find it very stressful, no way could I manage for more than a week or so, and I have found that as the children have got older they have become more resistant. I do think that different approaches are needed for teenagers, as arbitrary rules which are very unlikely to be imposed to the same degree on their friends is likely to lead to a lot of friction.

Yes I am definitely having to pick my battles more with the 12yo. She can be a right lazy lump though and needs firmly "encouraging" to help around the house. I made her help granny do the dishes today - you would have thought I'd asked her to clean the whole house from the look on her face. She did it though. In theory I like the idea of letting her regulate herself more but I just know she would spend all day in her room on the computer. Maybe with the odd break for some tv and food .

I think a parent's parenting rules supercedes house rules unless their parenting impacts on other people in the house.
If my brother and his kids are staying with me I generally leave him to discipline his kids, discuss what they'll eat with me, sort out bedtimes, decide how much TV they watch.
If he decided we all had to eat at 4pm because that's when his kids eat or that no-one should watch more than 1 hour TV a day so his kids aren't exposed to it then I'd think that unreasonable.
In this case the kids not having much screen time doesn't affect the gps unless the kids are constantly pestering to have their gps' screens in which case they should be told off by the parent. The grandfather handing over his ipad in the first post does sound as the the kid was pestering him for it, rather than the grandfather forcing the child to play with the ipad against his mother's wishes.