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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect gps to respect my rules for the dcs?

150 replies

newryan · 02/08/2013 20:43

Staying with gps for 3 weeks. OK it's not that long in the grand scheme of things but I am going crazier by the day.

I'm not over the top strict but my dcs need permission to watch tv, play on computer or get something to eat. However since we've been here every time I turn my back they have the tv on again ("granny said I could") or I've chucked one off the laptop as they've been on it too long and need to get outside and burn off some energy, only to find that grandpa has handed over his ipad. When I told my dad that they usually have a time limit on screens he said "well I don't go by those rules for them."

Yes it's their house, but the dcs are rapidly turning into slobby brats who can't entertain themselves without a screen of some kind. AIBU?

OP posts:
Soopermum1 · 03/08/2013 09:05

DS has different rules at his grandparents. more sweets than I would usually allow, but he knows we revert back to my rules in my house. I'd just leave it, it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things

magimedi · 03/08/2013 09:23

Could the GPs be letting them have screen time in order that your DCs are quiet & occupied?

I haven't got grandchildren but when DH & I go from being a quiet household of just us to having our adult DCs staying I find the difference in noise etc quite a shock to the system (in a nice way).

Having three children for three weeks must be quite stressful for them & maybe they find it nice to have the peace & quiet that screen time buys for them?

magimedi · 03/08/2013 09:25

Pressed post too soon - meant to say that all my friends who have GPs to stay for longer visits all say that they love it but it is exhausting. They also all say they are revelling in the silence when the family lerave!

RedHelenB · 03/08/2013 09:33

Newryan _ I think YABU & I think the key thing is the way you say your dh & kids do as they're told at home!

snowlie · 03/08/2013 09:37

I think you need to work on your overly controlling tendencies - IMO with teenage years not too far off, you're heading for trouble.

Ragwort · 03/08/2013 09:42

If it really bothers you that much then surely it is up to YOU to say to YOUR children 'stop watching tv and come and play a board game' or whatever.

Agree with other posters that it can be very tiring for GPs to have three children visiting so they probably don't want them painting or cooking in their kitchen Shock - but as the parent surely you can organise them to do something (you seem to be spending a lot of time on mumsnet discussing the 'problem' Wink).

But equally, let it go, its only three weeks, better that the children remember happy times with their GPs than a nagging mum.

thegreylady · 03/08/2013 09:52

Make daytime plans for activities you know they will like and then let them have the rest of the time with gp's to enjoy and relax. Three weeks won't change them and you will have a better time if you chill out a bit. My younger grandchildren are happy to play when they are here with just the occasional 15 minutes on the computer or half hour of TV. The older ones though like to choose how they spend their time, they are 15, 13 and 10 and do use tablets quite a bit though they are always ready for a more exciting alternative :-)

Original poster
newryan · 03/08/2013 11:03

Umm...a lot of time on mumsnet? I spent a couple of hours yesterday evening when the dcs were in bed! And now I have popped back to check as they are watching tv! But I have told them it goes off after this programme and they have accepted that. We will get out to the shops together to buy ingredients to make pizza. I do all the cooking at my parents' house as they don't cook at all, so I like the get the dcs involved and they (usually) like to be involved.

I agree that the gps are probably finding it tiring having us around and like to keep the dcs occupied quietly, but mainly it's because they love tv and games etc themselves. They even have a xbox! We don't have anything like that at home.

I can't see a direct discussion about this going well, but I will make sure I continue to tell the dcs how much they can have (whilst trying to relax and be a bit more flexible) and why, in front of the gps. I don't think I'm overly controlling. I also don't see how watching tv is the same as reading!? TV is so much more passive - they just sit there and get entertained. They also prefer nickolodeon and cartoon network which I find mostly pure drivel! They will occasionally watch something like Animal Planet which is much better.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 03/08/2013 11:49

YAB a bit U. My mum was very strict about telly for us but we knew that when we went to visit granny we were allowed to watch telly. We were perfectly capable of understanding different houses, different rules and none of us turned into slobby brats who can't entertain themselves without a screen. I say relax and enjoy the peace and quiet Grin

middleeasternpromise · 03/08/2013 15:07

Sorry - just loving the bit about the GPs having an x-box and you dont! Its role reversal - you're out of your depth, theres no way you can compete. You've taken the kids for three weeks to game and screen central and you want to tease them away with pizza making and activities. They know they arent going to get this sort of opportunity again for at least another 6 months so they are totally up for it. What week are we on so far?

bruffin · 03/08/2013 15:20

My mum is 76 and has a Wii, she did herself a nasty injury to one of dance games. Shock

my friend hated computer games and wouldnt allow them, then her son got to teenage bought himself an x box and he got addicted.

littlemisswise · 03/08/2013 15:39

I think you need to relax a lot and start to pick your battles where your DC are concerned tbh, otherwise you could be heading for some very difficult teenage years, which lets face it, aren't that far off!

I haven't ever restricted screen time. I don't have 2 slobby brats, I have 2 DC who can entertain themselves in all manner of ways. I don't get what is so bad about TV, either, TBH. There are a lot of documentaries and educational programmes so people do learn and expand their knowledge. DS2 and I watched a fascinating program about bees last night.

MrsKoala · 03/08/2013 15:53

It would annoy me being undermined and i would say something. If you feel you can't then there's not much you can do.

However, i do not get this obsession with limiting screen time. Ime all the people i know who had limited tv access growing up had/have odd relationships with visual media now. Ie all of them cannot self regulate because they have not grown up being able to 'zone it out'. I (and many friends) grew up with the tv on constantly. We grew up very media savvy and able to identify advertising tricks, manipulations of information, etc. Therefore, many of us went into visual media jobs but also became able to question and understand a lot of the world around us. Just one example but DH grew up on a farm and was outside all the time, never watched tv and when i met him at 28 he didn't have one. He now cannot be in the room and function if the telly is on. He literally stares at it as if it is the one which must be obeyed. I, on the other hand, have it on all day, rarely watching it but just as background noise. If something comes on which interests me i can tune in, but i can also zone it out too. DS can sit playing and if a song comes on he likes he will turn and watch it and then when bored will return to his play. I want to bring up someone in this age of competing technology, who can tune in and out of many things at once. I don't romanticise running around in the fields and i would actually be more concerned if he spent all his time outside rather than understanding what is a major part of the future for him. I want him to be a technology native not a technology tourist. I just don't understand why one form of entertainment and information is considered more beneficial than others. It smacks of fear and some kind of harking back to a golden age which never was.

HoikyPoiky · 03/08/2013 15:54

I would be worried if my kids were your kids ages and could not be trusted to do as I had told them unless I was standing over them.

I woud see this as a problem with the kids and not with the grandparents.

Do you think your parents like the kids to be playing on computers or watching the TV so that the kids are are not being noisy.

Original poster
newryan · 03/08/2013 18:46

This is just the end of week 1, so 2 more to go.

I take on board that restricting too much can make them want it even more. But I still think there are differences between dcs - my youngest is not as interested as the older 2, and would get bored and do something else, whereas the older 2 would literally sit all day if allowed.

I think it does come down to the gps feeling like they have to entertain constantly. I have told them that I ignore the dcs a lot and they play on their own. After reminding the dcs to check with me before getting on the computer I found ds on it because grandpa said he could. This was after watching loads of tv this morning, so I said do something else for a while, you can do this later after we've been out. He complained a bit but stopped, then spent an hour playing the piano, making up compositions. He just would not do that kind of creative activity if he was allowed on sceens all the time, it's like it becomes the default activity. But he rally enjoyed it and was pleased with himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
newryan · 03/08/2013 18:48

really not rally, sorry must check before posting

OP posts:
tinkertitonk · 03/08/2013 19:25

Definitely lighten up, save your energy for a massive strop when the GPs sneak them off to have their ears pierced.

And even then lighten up.

Original poster
newryan · 03/08/2013 19:44

Well, since my last post ds refused to go and get dd from her friend's house. He was watching tv and didn't want to do what I asked. I gave the choice do what I'm asking or straight to bed with no more tv tonight. He ran off outside and won't come in - that was an hour ago. So that's no screen time tomorrow for him!

OP posts:
RenterNomad · 03/08/2013 20:00

I think Bertha 's comment : " That's more like fobbing off. Spoiling involves attention" was very apt. More of the same from magimedi.

But it's all about what individual children can handle and what boundaries they need. The OP's DC evidently need the boundaries in order not to let 3 weeks pass getting squAre eyed and irritable. Some other children might get over the thrill of the screens easily and therefore their parents could afford to "relax" , "unclench" and "stop being so controlling" (have we had "chill the fuck out" yet? Hmm)

sweetiepie1979 · 03/08/2013 21:01

It's holiday it's not going to harm them for that short of time. Sounds like you need to relax a bit. I think it's lovely they have grand parents that spoil them a bit. Lucky you and lucky them.

2rebecca · 03/08/2013 22:25

Why should your son have to go and get your daughter from her friends house? Why not phone her or give her a time to be back in by?
What did your last slave die of?
I really don't see why he is his sister's keeper.
I think you are being unreasonable here. Why is your desire to lounge around the house and not go hunting for your daughter or send your husband looking for her more important than his?

Original poster
newryan · 03/08/2013 22:28

Because there are certain things all the dcs have to do if they want pocket money etc. And because they are part of the family, they have to help me. I was cooking and asked him a favour. Dd was told to be back at 7pm but did not come back. They should help, shouldn't they?

OP posts:
Original poster
newryan · 03/08/2013 22:29

Husband not here. He is at home, working.

OP posts:
Original poster
newryan · 03/08/2013 22:31

Oh, and they are on holiday from school for 10 weeks so it's quite a long time for the normal routine to be relaxed.

OP posts:
crunchbag · 03/08/2013 22:50

YABU
If you want to adhere to your rules then stay at home. Holidays, either staying with family or going elsewhere means your normal rules relax and adapt to the situation. It's only 3 weeks, your children are not going to change into zombies. They are old enough to know that when they are back home normal rules will apply again.

Re your DS not wanting to fetch his sister and being punished for it seems a bit over the top. She knew when to be back so either phone her or deal with her when she is back.

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