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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect gps to respect my rules for the dcs?

150 replies

newryan · 02/08/2013 20:43

Staying with gps for 3 weeks. OK it's not that long in the grand scheme of things but I am going crazier by the day.

I'm not over the top strict but my dcs need permission to watch tv, play on computer or get something to eat. However since we've been here every time I turn my back they have the tv on again ("granny said I could") or I've chucked one off the laptop as they've been on it too long and need to get outside and burn off some energy, only to find that grandpa has handed over his ipad. When I told my dad that they usually have a time limit on screens he said "well I don't go by those rules for them."

Yes it's their house, but the dcs are rapidly turning into slobby brats who can't entertain themselves without a screen of some kind. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
newryan · 03/08/2013 23:01

I don't agree that it was unreasonable to give ds a consequence for not doing what I asked. He has done it many times before, it's part of the "deal" I have with them. He just didn't want to move from the tv. I couldn't phone as these are neighbours of my parents, I don't know them but dd has been playing with their dd since we got here. It's just over the road, it would have taken him 2 minutes. Yes, dd should have come back at the specified time, and I've warned her that if she doesn't do that she won't be able to go.

OP posts:
Cat98 · 03/08/2013 23:07

Yanbu! I'm really surprised how many people seem to be saying otherwise.

Dancergirl · 03/08/2013 23:16

I'm amazed so many people think this is ok and that this is an example of gps 'spoiling'.

I'm all for gps doing a bit of spoiling and having a good relationship with their gc, but plugging them into yet another screen is NOT spoiling or indeed quality time.

There are SO many lovely things children can do with their gps, it's a real shame and a waste of 3 weeks spent in front of an ipad.

SirChenjin · 03/08/2013 23:19

It's 3 weeks - they are not spending all day, every day on their screens, and they are on holiday for goodness sake. Let them relax, enjoy themselves and do something different from the norm - you know, like we all do when we go on holiday.

Trigglesx · 03/08/2013 23:20

I have 2 grandchildren - one is DSS's son and one is DD's son, both the same age - 7yo. I also still have a 7yo and 3yo at home. So, yes, it makes for a different dynamic in that regard. However... DSS and DIL are very relaxed when they've come to visit and when their DS has stayed with us - their instructions were (to DGS) "have fun" and to us "have fun." No worries about rules or bedtimes or whatever. They left it to us to sort and trusted us to use common sense. It made for a lot less stress.

DD has a lot of rules. A lot. (waaaaaaaaay more than I ever gave her growing up, and she is quite happy - according to her - with her upbringing, so not sure where all these rules have come from) Some of them clash a bit with our house rules. Anything safety-wise (such as food allergies and such) are obviously observed by us. Others - such as "no television during the week" and "no video games during the week" and "no snacks" are ignored, and I was upfront about this with her. I have 2 small children still at home - they watch tv after school and sometimes play video games and have snacks. When DD's DS is at our house, he gets the same things. She was annoyed at first, and I quite frankly told her - if I'm watching him for you a couple days a week, I am not going to make him sit there and not participate, not eat, whatever, while my 2 DCs are watching telly and playing a game and snacking on some fruit afterschool. And I'm certainly not going to tell my DCs they can't do the telly and game and snack simply because of her house rules. And that's life. In that instance, it's my house, my rules, and if she doesn't like it, find another person to do the childcare for those days.

Original poster
newryan · 03/08/2013 23:28

Triggles I think what you do makes sense but there are a few differences from our situation - you have your own dcs at home, you're watching your gcs whereas I am pretty much with them all the time, and most importantly, you've been upfront with their mum.

OP posts:
Trigglesx · 03/08/2013 23:35

That's true. But I wouldn't be anything BUT upfront with her, and I would expect her to be upfront with me. (which she was, to some extent, she wanted me to follow some specific rules that I said were unreasonable and I wouldn't do it as it was too much difficulty for me to implement - my 7yoDS is disabled and has very particular routines - so I told her no. Grin)

But if it's only for 3 weeks, I think you should loosen up a bit and relax your rules. Yes, children need to respect rules, but they also need to understand that sometimes certain rules (not those pertaining to safety obviously) can be relaxed a bit for special times. This teaches them that being flexible, rather than rigid, is a good thing.

Cherriesarelovely · 03/08/2013 23:42

I can see both sides but would generally side with the "it's only 3 weeks" camp if it were any other issue but like you I cannot stand Dd to become sloth like and attached to a screen for hours at a time. I'm a very relaxed parent but I just cannot stand that no matter where we are. Assuming you're not issuing the gps with loads and loads of rules I think it is unfair of them not to respect you on this.

2rebecca · 04/08/2013 07:48

So your daughter who was late and required a search party just got a warning where as your son who wasn't requiring a search party and was behaving himself got no screen time?
Can't you see how unfair that is and how it will make him hate her?
He wouldn't have got a punishment if she had been in on time.
Being late enough to require a search party would be dealt with more strictly by me.
You punished the wrong child.

Sirzy · 04/08/2013 07:51

I thought the same 2rebecca. The op seems to have a rather odd set of priorities for what her children can and can't do.

thebody · 04/08/2013 08:16

good luck being this controlling over the next few years. did you say you oldest was 12??

from your post I assumed they were toddlers.

again a 12 year old has to ask you for food? TV time?

wow just wow.

HorryIsUpduffed · 04/08/2013 08:39

DC had a sleepover with GPs this week (PIL). I later had the following conversation with the 5yo...

DS: Grandma and Grandad let me watch [tv channel that's banned at our house because it has adverts; no particular objection to the programmes themselves].
Me: Do they? Did you say you're not allowed it at home?
DS: Yes. They said the rules are different at their house.

We had a quick chat about rules at different houses, inc watching telly whilst eating (ok at both sets of GPs, not ok at home or at GGPs, etc) and I was left to ponder.

I decided not even to mention it to PIL. They had suffered enough by "letting" DS2 stay up an hour later than usual and therefore waking every hour overnight Wink

Dancergirl · 04/08/2013 08:49

thebody my 12 year old asks to watch tv. They always used to when they were little and it's just spilt over. I usually say yes but I do monitor the amount of screen time they have. I hate it when people say 'good luck with that' as if when they get to a certain age you lose all control. I don't think there is anything wrong in setting certain rules about tv/computer/phones etc. And every child is different, just because one person struggles with enforcing certain rules doesn't mean someone else will. Trying to predict how YOUR child will behave at a later date is just being smug IMO.

2rebecca · 04/08/2013 10:30

My children have to ask me for food, except fruit which they can help themselves to. They can help themselves to drinks as well. That way they don't stuff themselves before meals, snack on junk food (not that I keep much) or use up stuff I was planning to make a meal of.
If we aren't in and they are hungry then there's stuff they know they can help themselves to but if I'm in I expect them to ask.

SirChenjin · 04/08/2013 10:54

A 12 year old has to ask for food and to watch TV? Really? How unusual.

Bunbaker · 04/08/2013 11:02

DD (13) gets set a lot of homework online as the school is keen to use the VLE more and more. She wouldn't be able to do all of her homework if I restricted her to an hour a day on her laptop.

How will you manage this?

MadeOfStarDust · 04/08/2013 11:14

You do know the idea of raising children is to send them out into the world able to make their own choices?

If at the age of 12 (she could leave home in 4 years like I did!!) my DD could not decide to go do something instead of watching tv, I'd be thinking there was a problem with her lack of independent thought, that I was not preparing her for life ..... Seriously though I think you are controlling a bit too much they have to ask for TV time/screen time/ food - maybe at 4/5 - not at 10/12..

And why do you cook everything there? again it does smack of needing to control, even down to what they eat and when, when in someone else's house.... sorry.... I think YABU ...

ll31 · 04/08/2013 11:46

Think you sound v controlling about everything. When do you envisage your dc making their own decisions about how to spend their free time and what to eat? Ever?
I think you sound well intentioned but you are nit hhelping your dcs in decision making,independence etc

ll31 · 04/08/2013 11:56

What kind of upbringing did you have op? I am just finding it hard to see where you're coming from and why you cant let go,relax a bit,let your dc off the leash,even for a 3 week holiday.

given the age your dd is, when do you see her making her own decisions about anything?

2rebecca · 04/08/2013 12:13

I don't think parents should abandon all control over what their kids do with their free time. I'll tell my 16 year old he's been on the computer for long enough and can he do something else now, I'll also drag my teenagers outside sometimes if I think they've been sitting staring at screens for too long and it's a nice day.
I agree that since they started secondary school much of their homework has needed a computer.
Often it depends on the weather. If it's rainy I'm less bothered about them watching TV or computers and don't see it as any worse than my childhood escapism of novel reading.
In general they'll have active days when they never look at the computer and days when they're on it alot.
My kids have just been away with their cousins for a week with no UK TV or wifi coverage so I suspect when they're back this evening they'll then be on screen for much of the next few days.

Sirzy · 04/08/2013 12:16

Its a fine line though, I think having "you can only spend an hour a day" type rules is madness especially when they get older, surely it makes more sense to have the 'rules' a lot more flexible and based a bit more on mutual respect/making decisions for yourself rather than having a parent dictating to that level?

You seem to have a much more relaxed attitude that the OP whilst still keeping some control over things

Remotecontrolduck · 04/08/2013 12:19

You're definitely weird I'm afraid.

12 years old and having to ask for food isn't right, at all. Common courtesy to check that you're not eating the last bit of cheese for dinner, yes perhaps. Otherwise it is controlling beyond belief.

Why do they always have to be doing stuff anyway? Are you always on the go? They probably just want to watch tv or play on the computer. No one died from unwinding with the TV in the evenings. DD and all her friends survived childhood without this ridiculous micro management

You are going to have hellish teen years you do realise that! You need to chill out a LOT.

RenterNomad · 04/08/2013 12:50

If you're cooking and organising the kids' (non-screen) activities there, it does rather sound like "self-catering", so keeping home rules sound fair enough.

Are your parents generally passive with the DC, or do they think of more to do than just : "here, watch this"?

Trudyla · 04/08/2013 14:41

YANBU. You are visiting them so they get to see their grandchildren. They're not babysitting, you do all the cooking and the activities. They don't want to come and visit you. I think you are well within your rights to have your own rules.

As for your son picking up your daughter. I can't believe how many people find that unreasonable. Don't your children help at all? It's part of being a family, to help out mum, to have some jobs, to not sit in front of the telly all day.

I think you are right on all counts.

SirChenjin · 04/08/2013 16:16

They don't sit in front of the telly all day - the OP explained that.

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