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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if DH is having an EA

203 replies

youvegotmail · 30/07/2013 21:27

I've never heard of an EA before being on Mumsnet, but now I'm wondering if DH is having one.......

He's had a friendship with a woman he works with for over a year now, and I've never been totally comfortable with it, but I thought I was a jealous hag (she's young and bloody gorgeous of course)

She and my DH get on really well - they work in different offices for the same company, and he is senior to her. They met when he was doing her induction and he came home and told me they'd hired this great person for the role and how pleased he was, how lovely she was etc (so not hiding anything). Then their contact from then on is mostly through email although about six times a year they have to do presentatons together in the same place. I know they email a ton and it's not all work related - lots of jokes (like ones between just them - stupid stuff) and chatting as they like all the same things - I thought DH and I had shitloads in common but now I think they have more. I know this because his work emails come through to our iPad so are open for me to see - he's never hidden them. It pisses me off though to see a string of 10+ emails over the course of the day just chatting and making stupid fucking jokes. Theres an accasional Facebook message too.

I have said something about her a couple of times to him, when the friendship/EA/whatever really seemed to be taking off and the contact was high. I said that he was being unprofessional and inappropriate and that they were getting too friendly and I was uncomfortable and he didn't agree but both times he then totally toned it down for a few months and went all brusqueu with her, but then it builds again.

I've met her three times at work functions and I'm quite ashamed to say that I was not friendly - in fact DH afterwards said he was embarrassed and that I made it very awkward for no reason. She does seem really nice - but I can't get over the feeling she's getting too close to my husband and shouldn't be emailing him in a friendly way - he is her senior at work and they are both married (we have 3 DCs age 17, 15 and 11 and she has a very young DC not sure of exact age).

There is never anything at all flirty, sexual, suggestive or even much personal in their messages its more just the sheer volume of them and the fact that he clearly thinks shes really funny and clever - their banter really gets under my skin.

AIBU?

OP posts:
dementedma · 31/07/2013 20:32

First time I've been called a cool wife, but I can live with it. Op I genuinely hope things are OK but can I ask why, if everything is out in the open, on Facebook and texts which you can access, you think it is an affair? Surely if there was malintent it would be conducted in secret. And he knows you know...and isn't bothered.
If I was going to have an affair - emotional or otherwise - I would be trying to hide it, not conducting it under DPS eyes.

navada · 31/07/2013 20:41

It's defo an emotional affair - I'd be fuming tbh.
How would he feel if it was you emailing the office hunk 10+ times a day, for no other reason than you really 'liked him'.?

waterrat · 31/07/2013 20:54

please believe and listen to your own instincts. Your husband is making you feel sad, lonely and uncomfortable through his - completely unnecessary - friendship with a colleague. If he cared more about you he would cut back on the friendly banter, emails and little gifts.

Trust yourself that's all I can say. I think if you are really miserable about this you need to tell your husband that you are hurt and feel a lack of attention yourself - see how he feels with an ultimatum.

IN the end, nobody online can see the real state of your relationship - and if you feel you are being excluded here, then you are.

You should go onto the relationships board and repost.

AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 21:01

DM, sometimes people do bad stuff in plain sight

just because he isn't hiding stuff, doesn't mean he isn't being disrespectful to his wife

in actual fact, he is flaunting the fact that he is showering attention on another woman, coldly withdrawing it when challenged, then ramping it up again when he feels like it

this man has an ego the size of a house, he thinks he is so clever

I hope OP bursts his self indulgent little bubble very soon

however, I think she has possibly been scared off by the people who have called her jealous, paranoid and hell bent on wrecking her own marriage

just lovely

navada · 31/07/2013 21:05

Totally agree AnyFucker. Well said.

ageofgrandillusion · 31/07/2013 21:15

I agree a bit with AF. However, on a practical level, i'm not sure how you'd resolve a situation like this. Who says what to whom?

AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 21:19

I know what I would do.

Original poster
youvegotmail · 31/07/2013 21:36

Thank you for all the replies, just been reading through them and feeling a huge wave of relief to be honest as there seemed to be more people supportive than when I read this last night. I am sorry if I miss any questions but to answer one that sticks in my mind, my DH is an attractive man - obviously older but good looking. I am in ok shape too so its not like my self esteem is totally given over to this woman but she has 20 years on me/us! I think that is the other thing that confuses me in that I don't have any male frieinsd who are that much younger than me because I can't think that wed have much to say to one another.

Another question - he is her senior but not her line manager, hes just higher up than she is.

I had another look at emails tonight to see what today has been like and today has been the same as ever - a string of 7 emails in a backa nd forth banter about something stupid, the first one sent at 7am when he must have just got up and the last one from her about 8pm and also two other ones that are both work related but have other stuff attached (chit chat). In the midst of that they both mentioned her husband though in a casual way about something so as usual I dn't know what to think.

Honest I don't think there's something sexual going on but I think he fancies her and she him and why should he get to play that little game even if it doesn't go anywhere?

I desperately want to see his phone but hes always got it with him.

OP posts:
kitbit · 31/07/2013 21:50

He mailed her at 7am??
No no no no.
He shouldn't be thinking about a platonic friend regularly at that hour enough to immediately jump onto email. His mind is elsewhere and he's justifying it because nothing physical has happened. It's not right and your instincts can feel him pulling away from you, OP.

Stick to your guns and trust your instinct.

Cherriesarelovely · 31/07/2013 21:53

She emailed him from 7 am till 8 pm? Oh come on! People would seriously not be bothered by this sort of contact between their partner and a colleague? Sorry Op, this would drive me insane. I would have to tackle my Dp about it till it was sorted and clearly understood that I was NOT happy with the situation. Not telling you what to do, just sympathising with your understandable frustration and concern.

AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 21:54

At 7am, he should have been having a sneaky shag with you before the kids wake up

His first thought should not be contacting Little Miss Wonderful

You are being made a fool of, love Sad

tumbletumble · 31/07/2013 21:57

The thing is, I agree with AnyFucker that this is not right.

But when you say I know what I would do then what do you mean? Forbid him from having any more contact with her (even though you will come across as jealous and untrusting)? LTB (even though he hasn't actually done anything worse than a little flirting)? What would you actually do?

Original poster
youvegotmail · 31/07/2013 22:01

:(

Yeah I think you've got it in one there - she was the first thing on his mind when he woke up and she was still thinking about him this evening when she was back home presumably with her DH.

It is the EVER PRESENT nature of her that is bugging me now cos evern if were together if hes on his phone or laptop or the pad then I just wonder if hes either mailing her or thinking of his next funny thing to say to her.

I don't know how to bring this up though without admitting ive been snooping as since the last time he hasn't mentioned her much at all so ive got nothing really to go on (last two times he had been quite chatty about mailing her and 'listen to this' reading me funny thing she did said or telling me about a work thing with her and I just got it into conversation that way about how he was always on about her and I wasn't happy about it). I know hes not telling me stuff because ive been annoyed with him so its my own fault in that way and now I have no real way to raise it with him.

OP posts:
ageofgrandillusion · 31/07/2013 22:05

Just tell him youve been snooping. Who gives a fuck? You wouldnt have been reduced to this if he wasnt being such a fuck-wad.

AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 22:06

I wouldn't care how I came across, because my husband knows me and that I know him

I don't care about being laidback, cool wife...I'm too old for that shit

I would say everything I have said on this thread and more....to him, and not sugar-coat it. Why should I...if he was making me feel like a fool I would be beyond furious . I would tell him my distrust of him had made me read his messages (because he knows that I would only do it under duress). Nobody treats me like this, and still lives with my goodwill.

Little gifts to her, first message of the day to some workplace paramour at 7am instead of a sneaky shag with me , blowing hot/cold with OW, making a tit of himself at work, treating me like some 1950's hausfrau who should STFU if I know what's good for me ?

I wouldn't stay married to a man who made me feel like this, so all bets would be off, tbh. Let the cards fall where they will. He would be on the doorstep with his rucksack and my boot up his arse, told to go to somewhere else that fed his puny little ego.

I want a grown up, not an attention seeking manchild.

You did ask.

kitbit · 31/07/2013 22:07

You don't need an excuse to raise it. 'I can tell you're still frequently in touch' is good enough. He is, so he won't say 'how do you know'. His response will be quite telling although he'll probably be telling himself all is well,

I know, I had an EA many years ago before dh. You allow yourself to flirt and think it's ok because only shagging equals being unfaithful doesn't it?? I was kidding myself and thinking I was on safe ground. I wasn't.

AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 22:08

But no, I wouldn't "forbid" anything. he can do what the fuck he likes. Away from me. The choice is his, like the choice if mine if I accept it or don't And I would not.

kitbit · 31/07/2013 22:08

and what AF said x 1000 ^

AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 22:08

*is

Beastofburden · 31/07/2013 22:09

Yes, this level of contact is weird. It is more than a normal friendship.

I think you will have to confess to the reading of emails. Otherwise you just look paranoid. Admit it was wrong, but say that you are justified by what you saw when you read them- not the content, but the frequency, which was obvious to you by just watching him. If he still denies that he is doing anything unusual, ask to see his phone.

ageofgrandillusion · 31/07/2013 22:09

Af - that's class.

angelicstar · 31/07/2013 22:12

Another one agreeing that his behaviour is totally inappropriate. Does he spend all day emailing his male friends funny and well thought out emails from waking up until bed time? Does he buy them little gifts "just because"? I would really be fuming if my DH brought another woman gifts and the fact is that as soon as he wakes up he want's to email her which would worry me.

I think that he has crossed a line here and you should raise it with him before it gets any further. Remember you are his wife and mother of his children you have a perfect right to raise it with him. I certainly wouldnt' worry about seeming jealous or not being a cool wife! Tell him you feel it is not right and you are beginning to feel it is detrimental to your relationship and you wish it to stop. I would just tell him that you stumbled upon the emails whilst going on the computer and felt so upset by them that you wanted to check more and that this has given you a cause for concern.

I certainly would not try and befriend this woman and invite her over with her DH as some posters have suggested. She is not a friend of yours or of your marriage and ideally you want her as removed from yours and your DHs life as possible. If you accept her as a friend then it just legitimises the situation and gives him even more opportunity to see her!

AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 22:12

I dunno, Ageof

to some on this thread that is bunnyboiling, paranoid, control freakery

standing up for your rights as a woman to not be treated like shit is often viewed that way, I find, even by other women sometimes

MirandaGoshawk · 31/07/2013 22:13

I would only like to add, OP, that you need to work on strengthening your relationship wit your DH. After all, you have dch together - an area of his life that she doesn't share - and you have one other thing in common that he doesn't have with her Wink so maybe it's time for you, as a couple or a family, to take time out and have a little holiday together? If her brings her with him on holiday, so to speak, then I would really lay down some boundaries and say that he has gone too far!

I wonder how her DH feels about their friendship?

xylem8 · 31/07/2013 22:18

This would be ringing all sorts of bells with me OP.
Sorry to be brutal but if he isn't shagging her already, it is on the cards.

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