Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if DH is having an EA

203 replies

youvegotmail · 30/07/2013 21:27

I've never heard of an EA before being on Mumsnet, but now I'm wondering if DH is having one.......

He's had a friendship with a woman he works with for over a year now, and I've never been totally comfortable with it, but I thought I was a jealous hag (she's young and bloody gorgeous of course)

She and my DH get on really well - they work in different offices for the same company, and he is senior to her. They met when he was doing her induction and he came home and told me they'd hired this great person for the role and how pleased he was, how lovely she was etc (so not hiding anything). Then their contact from then on is mostly through email although about six times a year they have to do presentatons together in the same place. I know they email a ton and it's not all work related - lots of jokes (like ones between just them - stupid stuff) and chatting as they like all the same things - I thought DH and I had shitloads in common but now I think they have more. I know this because his work emails come through to our iPad so are open for me to see - he's never hidden them. It pisses me off though to see a string of 10+ emails over the course of the day just chatting and making stupid fucking jokes. Theres an accasional Facebook message too.

I have said something about her a couple of times to him, when the friendship/EA/whatever really seemed to be taking off and the contact was high. I said that he was being unprofessional and inappropriate and that they were getting too friendly and I was uncomfortable and he didn't agree but both times he then totally toned it down for a few months and went all brusqueu with her, but then it builds again.

I've met her three times at work functions and I'm quite ashamed to say that I was not friendly - in fact DH afterwards said he was embarrassed and that I made it very awkward for no reason. She does seem really nice - but I can't get over the feeling she's getting too close to my husband and shouldn't be emailing him in a friendly way - he is her senior at work and they are both married (we have 3 DCs age 17, 15 and 11 and she has a very young DC not sure of exact age).

There is never anything at all flirty, sexual, suggestive or even much personal in their messages its more just the sheer volume of them and the fact that he clearly thinks shes really funny and clever - their banter really gets under my skin.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2013 23:49

YGM, do his interactions with her echo the ones you had with him when your relationship was at it's first flush of excitement ? Perhaps the naysayers would understand that ?

everlong · 30/07/2013 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PicardyThird · 30/07/2013 23:54

Oh, I'm right on the fence on this one I can see the merit in what both sets of posters are saying. But thinking about it, and certainly reading your latter posts, OP, I do think that boundaries are quite possibly being approached, it not (yet) crossed. You're usually fine with his female friends, but not this one - I think that's quite a strong indication in itself. AnyFucker makes a very valid point about instinct. i also think her point about the emotional energy, the 'best of himself' that he is giving away outside the marriage is a highly pertinent one.

Things between them may remain at this pitch for a while and then fizzle out. He certainly doesn't sound like he's really taking the opportunities she may be giving him (not at all sure on this, just going on what you post) to escalate things. He may be enjoying the interaction and allowing his ego to be massaged but far from thinking anything sexual of it.

I agree with those who suggest, if she is such a good friend, that you invite her over with her dh and dc. Take the claims of friendship at face value. Your dh's reaction to this proposition might tell you a lot, one way or another.

WinkyWinkola · 30/07/2013 23:55

It's the sheer volume of contact that suggests suspicion.

Would he make this much effort with a male friend? Would there be as much effort into active contact after work?

I can't think of anyone I'd spend that much time bantering with. Got too much else to do.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2013 23:56

At the very least, I would be embarassed by him and angry that he was making himself (and indirectly, me) an object of salacious gossip. How are relationships that cross professional boundaries viewed in his profession, btw ? Especially those between senior and junior colleagues ? Does he have any line management responsibility for her ? Potentially very dodgy (and job-risking) ground...

I would just think he was acting in a ridiculous manner. I can't respect people who act as if they had a frontal lobotomy in their lunch hour, tbh. What next...the rat's tail ponytail, facial hair topiary a la Craig David, the weasly goatee, the Harley Davidson, the whole new wardrobe that is 15 years too young for him?

he needs to get a fucking grip, to be perfectly honest

phantomnamechanger · 31/07/2013 00:00

I agree with everything AF has said. I am sorry OP.
He is contacting her while on the surface supposedly spending time with you? Not good.

This is EXACTLY how affairs start, forced contact at work, shared interests, mutual admiration, shared humour, one person then initiates it and the other reciprocates because they are flattered that their friend whom they know so well feels that way....its a natural progression. That is not to say that platonic friendships do not exist - they just don't invade a couples private space like this seems to be. He is not investing the time in his relationship with his DW. even if nothing physical were ever to happen with OW, the feeling that he has such a strong emotional attachment to another woman, someone else he may confide in about little domestic rucks etc, someone else he is joking with online when OP is sitting there....all not good.

This scenario sets lots of alarms ringing (though without knowing either of them cant say who is the instigator) and if your DH cant see how damaging this is to your relationship, and how and why it makes you feel as you do, he is either a fool, or does not care because his thoughts are elsewhere.

OP you need a serious lay it on the line heart to heart. Hope he sees sense.

AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 00:04

Really, OP. you need to get a copy of "Not Just Friends" and when you have read it, make him read it too

methinks there are few peeps on this thread for which it is also required reading

farewellfarewell · 31/07/2013 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Seenenoughtoknow · 31/07/2013 00:12

Anyfucker I am totally with you, I've seen this happen a couple of times (in a previous job) and the friendships built up over a period of time, with both ending in affairs. I would listen to your instincts OP.

AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 00:18

I don't understand some of the earlier posters who appeared to take pleasure in making a distressed woman feel worse

As is usually the case, people don't post stuff like this on a whim. It comes as a result of a long period self doubt, second guessing, sleepless nights and worry to the point of spoiling your daily life

Dismissing her in such an offhand way is shit behaviour. Waaay to go all the cool wives, rah rah for you... this wife is feeling hurt and looking for support.

Seenenoughtoknow · 31/07/2013 00:26

I agree, all marriages are different and friendships are too, but I would NOT be cool about this one. I think the OP shouldn't be persuaded that this is fine.

Buttercup4 · 31/07/2013 00:50

anyfucker I agree, where's the support here?!

I would feel uncomfortable if my DH was getting too close to a colleague, and I would put myself in the bunny boiler category so I don't think YABU. As long as you don't stop him from talking to any females you consider to be good looking and you have grounds for your concern then that's fine, IMO.

This could be the beginnings of an affair. If it doesn't feel right, OP then you are entitled to feel concerned. Your DH's priority should be you. Although his intentions may be honourable, hers may not be. If it was me I would want to see them talking to each other at the next work function to assess interactions, to see if my concerns had any grounds, if I didn't think so I would drop it.

celestialbows · 31/07/2013 06:39

I'm with anyfucker. I am sooooo bored of the cool wife attitude e. It's not realistic and is denying basic human feelings.

Back2Two · 31/07/2013 06:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

dollius · 31/07/2013 07:01

FFS, who sends 20-odd emails a day to a friend anyway? I get on with lots of people well at work, I don't email them all evening or when I am watching my children do sport etc, or even at all outside work really, unless for work reasons. I don't email any of my friends that much.

This is an emotional affair - and, no, you don't have to be mooning all over each other for it to be that, just investing emotional time in someone other than your spouse.

ageofgrandillusion · 31/07/2013 07:50

I'd be annoyed at the outside work bit. I'd be really interested to know what her other half thinks of her fawning all over her boss.

Snugglepiggy · 31/07/2013 08:34

I am with AnyFucker on this one totally.And the book Not Just Friends.We had to read it after DHs friendship with with younger woman who loved to share 'banter' with him got out of hand.Wish he had read it sooner.He was open and honest about it for several years.And guess what like your DH OP warm.funny friendly and lots of female friends that I trusted.But this one was different and way too familiar and the first time I met her I had a gut instinct about her.We were out socially and she happened to be there and came up behind my DH and wrapped her arms around his shoulders from behind and giggled.
I berated myself for feeling disquiet and not wanting to seem old fashioned,uncool and controlling tolerated his friendship.Well OW proved me right when I found out that they were seeing way more of each other than necessary for work and exchanging sexual texts.When it all blew up her initial defence for contacting him so much out of work was they were just friends and it was just 'banter'.20 odd texts a day.20 odd e- mails a day.Way too much.Sorry you've been given a hard time.

Beastofburden · 31/07/2013 08:38

It's very difficult. The original question was about EAs but I think the consensus here is that there is a significant risk of a sexual affair. I think that YGM agrees that she has been badly let down before, and is a worrier, and is now very very worried about stairs and doesn't quite know what to make of it all.

YGM, I would ask someone you trust in real life, who knows your DH, what they think. It is terribly difficult for us to give advice, not knowing you. I do think that it is possible to have close friends across gender barriers, but of course a midlife crisis is possible. Other posters have very strong views that it is almost certainly going to become an affair, and they may be right. If they are wrong, though, in this case, it could be very difficult for you.

And I still think, whichever situaton u may be in here, the best defence is to get to know her yourself if you can. Actually the very best thing would be for her to have another DC. Maternity leave and something new for hire, a clear reminder to your DH, if he needs one, that she is in a relationship with someone else. But I guess even MN can't arrange for that.....

Beastofburden · 31/07/2013 08:41

Stairs? I think I meant situation.

ageofgrandillusion · 31/07/2013 08:49

Another dc beastofburden? Bit drastic. You cant just go pumping more sprogs out every time you think your husband is getting too friendly with a member of the opposite sex.

VitoCorleone · 31/07/2013 08:50

I would be fucking livid if this where my DP.

I dont give a shit about trying to be "cool" and "laid back" about stuff like this, he's disrespecting you

The question is what are you going to do about it?

VitoCorleone · 31/07/2013 08:53

Fucking hate the term 'banter' aswell. What a crock of shite

Smilehappy · 31/07/2013 08:56

I think mumsnet has made you paranoid

Cherriesarelovely · 31/07/2013 09:02

I am not a particularly jealous person but I wouldn't feel comfortable with this either OP. The things that would really bother me are that he is constantly in touch with her, even during your family time together, and also the gifts. I think it is significant that you have never been bothered about his other female friends but that you are about this woman. I suppose you can only tell him once again how you feel. The only other option is trying to get to know her a bit yourself, that might make you feel completely differently. I do understand why you might not want to though.

ilovesooty · 31/07/2013 09:08

I think it might be worth considering why you feel the need to stalk your husband, obsess about the situation and can't discuss it with him, whether the issue is your feelings of insecurity or his overstepping of boundaries. Since the beginning of the thread I don't necessarily see an EA but I do see a situation where you feel really uncomfortable and. he is moving outside accepted norms. If the current situation goes on it will fester and it will become increasingly hard to redefine the relationship and redraw the parameters.

You need to talk about this but I'm not sure where the openings are to do so. I'm sorry you are so unhappy and hope that it can be addressed and acceptable boundaries can be put in place.

Swipe left for the next trending thread