To wonder if DH is having an EA

[youvegotmail]

I've never heard of an EA before being on Mumsnet, but now I'm wondering if DH is having one.......

He's had a friendship with a woman he works with for over a year now, and I've never been totally comfortable with it, but I thought I was a jealous hag (she's young and bloody gorgeous of course)

She and my DH get on really well - they work in different offices for the same company, and he is senior to her. They met when he was doing her induction and he came home and told me they'd hired this great person for the role and how pleased he was, how lovely she was etc (so not hiding anything). Then their contact from then on is mostly through email although about six times a year they have to do presentatons together in the same place. I know they email a ton and it's not all work related - lots of jokes (like ones between just them - stupid stuff) and chatting as they like all the same things - I thought DH and I had shitloads in common but now I think they have more. I know this because his work emails come through to our iPad so are open for me to see - he's never hidden them. It pisses me off though to see a string of 10+ emails over the course of the day just chatting and making stupid fucking jokes. Theres an accasional Facebook message too.

I have said something about her a couple of times to him, when the friendship/EA/whatever really seemed to be taking off and the contact was high. I said that he was being unprofessional and inappropriate and that they were getting too friendly and I was uncomfortable and he didn't agree but both times he then totally toned it down for a few months and went all brusqueu with her, but then it builds again.

I've met her three times at work functions and I'm quite ashamed to say that I was not friendly - in fact DH afterwards said he was embarrassed and that I made it very awkward for no reason. She does seem really nice - but I can't get over the feeling she's getting too close to my husband and shouldn't be emailing him in a friendly way - he is her senior at work and they are both married (we have 3 DCs age 17, 15 and 11 and she has a very young DC not sure of exact age).

There is never anything at all flirty, sexual, suggestive or even much personal in their messages its more just the sheer volume of them and the fact that he clearly thinks shes really funny and clever - their banter really gets under my skin.

AIBU?

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

for those of you who have good male friends and this level of contact:

Are they new friends?

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Good post DonDraper

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

and yy LazyFaire

[phantomnamechanger]

actually, given that he is in the senior role at work, he could be landing himself in a whole pile of trouble if the OW wants at some point to claim harassment or wrong doing on his part.

say her DH gets unhappy with their friendship and she says she just has to put up with it for the sake of their working relationship. Say she were to eventually try it on, and your DH wasn't having it but she tried to make revenge for being shunned and made up a pack of lies? He is in danger of not only upsetting his wife but making himself look a fool or worse at work.

[shotofexpresso]

I'm inclined to agree with AF, do you get this treatment OP, with gifts and socialising??

[itsallaboutyoubaby]

Actually, dondrapers, I posted about my friendship not because it says anything about the OP's husband's friendship. But to explain to her how hurtful it is when a partner is suspicious of something entirely innocent.

I have no idea how innocent her DH's friendship is. I didn't propose to, or to offer any advice on it.

I don't really understand the need for the belittling tone in your post, but I guess that's just how you conduct yourself.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

Surely the point should not be whether there is in fact more than a friendship going on?

Irrespective of whether this is a totally innocent friendship or not, the OP for her own personal reasons in uncomfortable with it. They might just be friends, but if the OP feels that her DH is putting a lot more time and effort into this friendship than into their marriage then surely her DH should listen and understand that?
Why would you continue to do something that constantly upsets the person you love?

Yes, of course no one can dictate who people are friends with, but I would like to think that given a choice between continuing with a situation I am very unhappy about, or continuing to carry on a non professional email relationship with a colleague, my DH would choose our marriage, wouldn't most people want that?

[Auntfini]

I would feel just as you do OP, and I don't know why posters were portraying you as the 'uncool wife'. He is emotionally investing his energies into another woman.

I have close male friends at work. We get on well and have a lot of banter and a good laugh. They are married, and I would count myself as good friends with them. What I don't do though, is email/ text them throughout the weekend, maybe an odd text every now and then if either of us sees something that makes us laugh. Furthermore, I know their wives and children. And while I wouldn't say I was close friends with the wives, I would count myself as a friend of the marriage, eg I or my DP would babysit while the husband and wives go out, or we'll all socialise together sometimes. That is normal behaviour, not developing a close, cosy little friendship with someone you work with, and letting it envelop a huge chunk of your life.

[GoodTouchBadTouch]

YGM, Ive got nothing to add, but Id feel really sad if it were me too. I agree with AF, its not on. After all this time, you know if something is not right. I know exactly what you mean about being able to tell he has spent ages thinking of a funny way to word something... that's not you being paranoid, its what happens when you know somebody so well.

I know this is largely irrelevant, but is he attractive? If she is young and beautiful and he is middle aged and bulgy, isn't the chance of there being any feelings from her side much reduced?

Obviously anyone can fall in love with anyone, but if hes not a looker, then it could just be she is flirting with him to get ahead at work, but wouldn't dream of taking it further. So any shallow feelings he might have wont lead to anything anyway.

Not that that makes any difference to the fact he is ignoring your feelings.. I hope you work it out xx

[itsallaboutyoubaby]

"for those of you who have good male friends and this level of contact:

Are they new friends?"

I've known my friend 6 years and been with DH 9.

I wouldn't say we have that level of contact though - my friend lives 100 miles away and I never physically see him in person. So the email contact we have is the only contact we have (we never text, either). He is, basically, a pen friend.

[OrmirianResurgam]

Are you usually a jealous person? If the answer is no, I would go with my gut instinct. I was never jealous - in 30 yrs I had never felt jealous or possessive of my H. Until about 2 yrs ago when I began to have niggles - he had got too close to someone at work and ended up having an affair. He told me all about her, her problems, what they spoke about etc... no secrecy at all...until the affair become more intimate and they told each other how they felt about each other. Funnily enough I didn't hear about that Your DH and the woman may not be in an affair yet, but I would suggest they are building up to one.

BTW I'd have been one of the gungho posters on here saying 'Ooh no, not inappropriate, just good mates' before the affair. I am a bit more cautious now. And yes, I have got close to people at work and yes, in one case I was in an EA but in those days I didn't call it that but I still knew it was wrong. I know better now.

[funkybuddah]

Re length of friendship the one I spend most time in is a friendship of about 1.5yrs, with dp for 15. (May end up spending the night with this week as there is a party dp is not invited to, but nothing going on, other friends there etc)
Most of my close friendships are new ish due to turnover of staff, they generally are in their early 20s due to the nature of the job, they don't have kids so are unaware of these weekend restrictions.

[CinnabarRed]

I just wanted to post to answer your original question of AYBU.

FWIW, there's nothing in your posts that set my spidey-senses tingling. Actually, the fact that she had been friendly towards you on the occasions when you've met gave me some reassurance.

But

Your spidey-sense are tingling. If you'd said that they tingle every time your DH has contact with a member of the opposite sex then I'd have gently suggested that your senses needed a re-tune. However, given that she's the only one that sets you off makes me think that there might be something more here.

So, on balance, no YANBU.

What to do next? I don't know. The Shirley Glass book might have some helpful suggestions.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

"And yes, I have got close to people at work and yes, in one case I was in an EA but in those days I didn't call it that but I still knew it was wrong. I know better now"

Orm

Me too

[Cherriesarelovely]

My dp had a close friendship with a colleague that bugged me. I really didn't suspect anything untoward but everytime dp spent time with her (we are all women, gay relationship) she would come home making remarks about how Dd was too shy or our house wasn't tidy enough or we were doing this or that wrong as parents. I got absolutely sick of it and told dp. She took it on board, respected my feelings and stopped doing it.Unless Op is constantly jealous of her dh's female friends he ought to be taking her feelings seriously and sorting it.

[whois]

I think this is a difficult situation. It could be nothing than a pure friendship or it could be heading towards an EA.

I've got a really good male friend at work. We just 'clicked'. We share a hobby, an he was up or doing active things in the evenings sometimes. We used to take in things to do with our hobby for each other too quite often. He is good looking and my age although iI was technically his superior. We would gravitate towards each other at work social events as we enjoyed each others company.

I talk in the past tense about some things as I've moved cities now. I'm still with the same company and we still email each other a lot but don't meet up any more.

Big difference is that when my boyfriend came to a work social event they both ended up chatting away for the whole night together. My friend is 'our kind of person' if that makes sense and so my boyfriend liked his company too. I think he wasn't threatened as our friendship was based on something concrete (hobby) and not on just 'going for a drink'.

On the flip side, my boyfriend threw a huge strop about the motives of two other guys I was friendly with.

With the roles reversed, there are some girls in 100% fine with my boyfriend doing things with, but I defo have pangs of jealousy about other girls when he just reports something funny they've said at a networking event or something.

So basically, I think it's hard to say OP is being U or not U!

[thefattwins]

What LessMissAbs said "I dont really believe in running around after men, suppressing my own discomfort, so they can enjoy flirting with other women"

He is getting a big ego boost out of having so much in common with this person and how she finds him soooo interesting. Such an ego boost, in fact, that he would rather keep feeding it than stop it and keep his wife feeling secure.

Knowing you as he does, he will know that you aren't a jealous, suspicious, or possessive wife. So your concerns should have been listened to. Can you ask him why he is disregarding your feelings in this way?

[AnyFucker]

Op, you haven't been on for a while, are you ok ?

[fluffyraggies]

I've read the thread and i'm glad the later third of it contains a higher number of supportive posts from women who would feel the same as you OP.

My heart was beating faster reading your posts, imagining how i'd feel in your situation. Yes, i'd be pissed off and highly 'uncool' about this too. Small things you've said about the way she communicates with him has struck a chord. I think she IS fishing, and even if he doesn't see it he should respect and care about you enough to put a lid on this.

My DH wouldn't be too happy about me emailing another bloke (and after work hours it would be 'another bloke' to him) and i wouldn't blame him.

Hope you're ok.

[fluffyraggies]

Should have put - DH wouldn't be too happy about me emailing another bloke to that extent and i wouldn't blame him.

[fluffyraggies]

Actually OP, i wonder if you should ask MN to move this thread into 'Relationships' for you.

[burstingbaboon]

I am for "friendship doesn't have age,sex or race"!!! But if it makes you feel
the way you feel then it's on your DH to deal with a things in a proper way! Maybe to tone down contact !!! Not to stop,that's not fair to him,he has got right to have friends but to understand how you feel as his DW.
Maybe someone will disagree but if my DH is not happy about me spending too much time on phone/txt/facebook or email with my male friend i would tone it down!!! But i wouldn't stop friendship if there is nothing to hide or sinister going on!!!!!!!!I didn't read whole post,so forgive if i am missing the point but at the same time i wouldn't like my DH to be close with some other woman!!!! I am having panic attack just thinking of that scenario!!!
You need to be clear with your DH about your feelings and communication is very important!!!!

[thebody]

I wouldn't like it either op.

[Cherriesarelovely]

Otoh it could be that he is SO confident that he doesn't have any untoward feelings towards her that he's not taking your feelings seriously enough. Hard to say but in any case he ought to be taking your concerns seriously and acting accordingly.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

Another one who not buying the "cool wifey" stuff.

You know what's normal in your marriage, this obviously isn't and you should not be afraid to say so.