To wonder if DH is having an EA

[youvegotmail]

I've never heard of an EA before being on Mumsnet, but now I'm wondering if DH is having one.......

He's had a friendship with a woman he works with for over a year now, and I've never been totally comfortable with it, but I thought I was a jealous hag (she's young and bloody gorgeous of course)

She and my DH get on really well - they work in different offices for the same company, and he is senior to her. They met when he was doing her induction and he came home and told me they'd hired this great person for the role and how pleased he was, how lovely she was etc (so not hiding anything). Then their contact from then on is mostly through email although about six times a year they have to do presentatons together in the same place. I know they email a ton and it's not all work related - lots of jokes (like ones between just them - stupid stuff) and chatting as they like all the same things - I thought DH and I had shitloads in common but now I think they have more. I know this because his work emails come through to our iPad so are open for me to see - he's never hidden them. It pisses me off though to see a string of 10+ emails over the course of the day just chatting and making stupid fucking jokes. Theres an accasional Facebook message too.

I have said something about her a couple of times to him, when the friendship/EA/whatever really seemed to be taking off and the contact was high. I said that he was being unprofessional and inappropriate and that they were getting too friendly and I was uncomfortable and he didn't agree but both times he then totally toned it down for a few months and went all brusqueu with her, but then it builds again.

I've met her three times at work functions and I'm quite ashamed to say that I was not friendly - in fact DH afterwards said he was embarrassed and that I made it very awkward for no reason. She does seem really nice - but I can't get over the feeling she's getting too close to my husband and shouldn't be emailing him in a friendly way - he is her senior at work and they are both married (we have 3 DCs age 17, 15 and 11 and she has a very young DC not sure of exact age).

There is never anything at all flirty, sexual, suggestive or even much personal in their messages its more just the sheer volume of them and the fact that he clearly thinks shes really funny and clever - their banter really gets under my skin.

AIBU?

[Cherriesarelovely]

I also think that any woman with sense would have an inkling that a very close friendship like this could make a DW feel excluded and uncomfortable. As a result most people in this situation would be falling over themselves to be friendly and to reach out to you too precisely to make it very clear that there is nothing suspect in their intentions.

[mayorquimby]

From the ops own telling of it she was really nice when she met the op and the op was embarrassingly rude.
So she has tried to be friendly

[Wowserz129]

I don't have much too add that hasn't been said but I just wanted to say that I would feel uncomfortable with that level of contact and if alarm bells are ringing I would trust them as you are his wife and can read the situation best. If you have spoken to him about it and said you feel uncomfortable I don't get why he's still doing it.

[ilovesooty]

She has trued to be friendly and pleasant while the OP was rude. However her husband could reasonably have seen then that the situation and everyone's roles within it needed some serious reflection.

[funkybuddah]

I think that it is more your problem. Everythign is there for you to see, he is not beig secretive and you were rude his workmate.

I spend hours on the phone each week talking to male workmates, always have done, that is in addition to texts/tweets and whatsapps.

I meet them for dinners, occasionally spend time with them when dc's are at school etc.

One male friend I go on drunken nights out to London, just the 2 of us.
(No one would raise an eyebrow if it was with female friend, how sexist)

If DP told me to stop he would get the sharp edge of my tongue, Im doing nothing wrong other than having friends I can have a laugh with (my female friends are general on manhunts when we go out, I like the casualness of the other friendships) if he cant trust me its his problem, not mine.

I dont keep anything a secret (like your DH) so I wouldnt expect to be given grief about it when all Im doing is having friends.


All you can do is speak to your DH about how this makes you feel, you may find it sets your mind at ease. Who's to say she even finds your DH attractive?

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

I agree with so many of you who have articulated it better than me

Any insecurity is slapped down as "just jealousy".

When you have been with someone a long time, you know them. You know when something feels wrong

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

When people are beginning an emotional attachment they don't necessarily hide it.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

And Cherries. I agree with that (mentioned it earlier).

Any woman who had any sisterly understanding would go out of their way to include the wife.

Any male friends I have, I am very respectful of their partners - talk about them, ask after them, meet them

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

..... and not take up family time

[tumbletumble]

OP, I really feel for you because I have been in a similar position. A few years ago DH became close to an attractive married female colleague who he seemed to have lots in common with. They were working together very closely at the time.

I am not a jealous person at all and am very happy for DH to have female friends (he's the kind of man that gets on well with women), but this one was 'different'.

It sounds to me from what you have said that he is flattered and is enjoying the attention, but has no desire or intention of being unfaithful to you. The problem is that if you tell him you have been 'stalking' him / her or you ask him to stop contacting her, you come across as the unreasonable one (and tbf you are being unreasonable based on facts rather than feelings).

My advice would be to sit it out. Work on your relationship with your DH - make sure that you are pouring your efforts into that, rather than worrying about him and her. Try to stop checking his emails obsessively, try to give her less of your head space, it's not good for you emotionally.

My situation came to a head when the colleague tried to kiss my DH when they were sharing a taxi to the station after work drinks. He was genuinely shocked (I wasn't) and came home and told me about it. After that he backed away from her and soon afterwards she transferred to a different office. I was pleased that he had been the one to take the initiative to cut contact rather than me telling him to.

Good luck OP. I hope it works out for you.

[ilovesooty]

The gap between the husband's boundaries and the OPs feelings is the issue. I don't see why the colleague should be expected to demonstrate "sisterly understanding". Basic manners are another matter.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

ilovesooty

Ok, basic manners. An awareness that a wife might care about this level of contact. Unless she's getting a bit of a thrill out of it.

[skyeskyeskye]

OP - I agree that if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then it is out of order.

The very first email that I saw between XH and OW was discussing his blood pressure, because OW has high blood pressure too, she was giving him advice. He said to her

• You are a very clever girl to know so much -
  

I read that and instantly had chills, because it was flirty, it was praising her, it was after he had left me and come back again. The email was deleted fairly quickly, I only saw it because I happened to be sat at the computer when it came through.

Sometimes your instincts are just spot on and your H needs to understand how and why you feel like this.

[itsallaboutyoubaby]

I have a good male friend who o email maybe two or three times a day. we just chat mundane stuff about our days, honestly as boring as what we've had for dinner.

im a sahm and enjoy having some adult chat throughout the day - he gets bored at work so breaks up the day chatting to me.

there is no flirting or attempting to impress each other, no sexual undertone at all. I view my relationship with him in exactly the same way I do my female friendships.

like your dh I was open about our contact as I honestly felt I had nothing to hide.

last year dh told me he thought our relationship was weird
it really upset me - I would never cheat on dh, emotionally or otherwise.

equally, why should a friend be cut out or viewed with suspicion just for being male?

[Beastofburden]

not another DC for the OP- another DC for the woman he is (possibly) having an EA with... and it wasnt serious, just it would get her off the scene for a bit...

[Nanny0gg]

I think AnyFucker summed it up really well.

And for those saying 'ignore the fact she's female' - I bet this wouldn't be happening if she were a bloke.

[Cherriesarelovely]

Why not Ilovesooty? I would. Most women would realise that someone's wife might find this level of contact disturbing and make it clear that they were not a threat by including them sometimes. I think that is one of the things that is absent in this and that would bother me. Presumably this woman knows she makes op uncomfortable, you would therefore expect her to back off a bit or make an effort to reassure her.

[ilovesooty]

I just think the term "sisterly understanding" is cringeworthy. I think the woman is obliged to be polite, and should be respectful of his family life but ensuring the OPs well being is not herresponsiility. I think that's a matter for the husband / wife to consider.

[LazyFaire]

I am on the fence here too I think - my question is, does he invest this much emotional contact in you too? Do you get a random jokey text at lunch, a gift bought for your favourite hobby if he 'just sees it', etc? So if he does do things like that for you, I would say not to worry. If she is getting more attention than you do, that is what I would address rather than the possibility of an affair. He should be able to balance a friendship so it does not infringe on your family life...

That versus the texting while your DCs swim or while you are having time just the two of you would concern me. The energy that should be going into his relationship with you, is being spent on another person. I don't actually get gifts for my friends randomly, if I see something they love I might get it and keep it till their birthday, for instance.

The fact that YOU are uncomfortable and he dismisses that or makes a 'big deal' out of cutting down the friendship, alarms me somewhat. But since I don't know all the ins and outs its hard to know if he is a) not handling your nosiness into a perfectly normal friendship well, and therefore making you more paranoid, or b) not handling his or the OW's emotions well, and trying to hide the start of an EA.

Good Luck.

[ArtemisFoul]

I have no friends that I have that level of contact with continually. Odd days when something bigs happened but not continually. The only time I have that sort of contact is when I'm interested in a relationship.

Does he text/email you during the day OP or is he 'too busy'?

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

Gosh, OP why don't you understand how these things work?

Random Mumsnetter X, sitting at her laptop in Hull, has a perfectly above-board platonic friendship with a member of the opposite sex. Ergo: all friendships between two members of the opposite sex are OK and above reproach.

Didn't someone explain this to you?!

You've just gotta love people piling onto the thread, to tell us alllllll about their friendship with Tom, Dick and Harry as if it's got anything whatsoever to do with the OP's situation.

My DH has three really good women friends. All of my exes has women friends. One of my Dad's best friends is a woman. We ALL know male/female friendships are normal, run-of-the-mill every day occurances, that most people have no problem with.

The OP clearly isn't posting about one of these friendships. Her DH has had friendships with women in the past, and it's never been a problem. This one has her spidey-senses tingling.

She can stick her head in the sand if certain posters really think that is the best way to handle it. Or she can tackle it front on. Why do people have a problem with the latter? I genuinely can't figure it out.

[phantomnamechanger]

really LF? so it's OK that he's sending loads of random fun texts and buying little gifts for this OW, as long as his wife is treated the same?

No. His wife should be treated 100x better and have far more contact/input/random gifts.

And reading between the lines I get the feeling the wife is being treated less favourable than the OW, possibly unintentioanly and with no mal-intent at this stage, but it is still very worrying.

[LazyFaire]

Yes, That is what I mean by the time and energy he should be investing in his wife, the OP, is being spent on the OW. maybe didn't explain myself clearly...

[Nanny0gg]

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper made some very good points. It's how the OP feels about the specific situation she is in.
They've been together a long time and she's never felt this way about any of his other female friendships.

That means something.

[LessMissAbs]

He's getting an ego boost out of it and they are both flirting with each other. She might be doing it for the attention, ego boost or to use him as a contact in the company. Whether you want to put up with is entirely up to you.

I know I wouldn't. I expect to be the apple of my DH's eye and if he didn't give me enough attention due to him giving it elsewhere, id warn him it was putting me off him and id have to find someone else myself, provably someone younger than him since i find those annoying middle aged men at work who try to flirt with you and be all friendly deeply irritating.

I dont really believe in running around after men, suppressing my own discomfort, so they can enjoy flirting with other women.

Id also be concerned that he isn't focusing on his work in the workplace.