AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

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Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

Bloody hell, only on Mn would you be "vindictive, manipulative and hateful" amongst other things, for not wanting people to stay in your house for almost a month with no notice, no time to clean, and no consideration to your feelings whatsoever.

Meanwhile, in the real, non-bonkers world, its totally normal not to want unanticipated, uninvited guests at the very last minute to stay in your house when you aren't there

Thank you AnnabelleLee. A voice of reason in this parallel universe that is mumsnet.

Meanwhile, in the real, non-bonkers world, its totally normal not to want unanticipated, uninvited guests at the very last minute to stay in your house when you aren't there"

It might be totally normal not to want it. But it is also totally normal to occasionally do things you don't want to do for the person you love, and to put up with something that you don't want to do, but which will cause you no actually harm with a good grace.

Note to MN Towers - please order waterslides immediately.

you don't know it won't cause her harm. She sounds very upset about it, is it not harmful to ruin her holiday with this?

it is also totally normal to occasionally do things you don't want to do for the person you love, and to put up with something that you don't want to do, but which will cause you no actually harm with a good grace

Which is what the OP's husband decided to do. So, let's be pleased for the happy ending and wish the OP and family an enjoyable holiday.

None of this would have happened if the husband had deigned to consult his wife over what was to happen to their home while they are away. People seem to be missing this. He caused this by not affording her this basic courtesy.

And of course, if they actually needed to stay...

Why would you want to stay in your son's house, unnecessarily, when he's not there?

I don't believe the posters here stating they'd be happy to have a relative known for prying staying in their home for a month on almost no notice and no preparation and no actual say as she was not asked.

It's easy when its not your privacy and home.

OP does not live in a tourist destination and MIL didn't even ask her!

I cannot fathom how OP could be considered unreasonable at all.

Remus you seem to be fixated on the spice rack!

The OP said that unless things are cleaned to her MIL's standard then there will be judging and gossiping going on, not her own standard. Being the "wrong" wife to STBX I can fully understand her wishing to avoid providing yet more "evidence" that she is a bad wife and that he should never have married her. Its easy to say that she shouldnt give a shit, but not so easy to do when you know that someone is finding excuses to sneer and look down their nose at you, simply because they dont like you very much.

I also understand what she means about kitchen cupboards. If I have guests when I am here I know that they wont need to ferret about in my very slightly disorganised food cupboard for a jar of jam. But if I was letting someone stay here while I was away (on a house swap say) then I would have reorganised everything, made sure the place was spotless and that you could eat your dinner of any surface you care to mention. It is different, and I am surprised that you cant see that.

It all adds up to whatever the OP does, or her DH does, she will still be in the wrong. So she might as well be in the wrong and happy than in the wrong and still have her home being used as a B&B!

Yep, I'm fixated on the spice rack. I've been thinking about it all day.

If people really feel that they have to clean to somebody else's standards, then I pity them. My house is clean enough, but not pristine, and if anybody came here and couldn't cope with that then that is their problem, not mine. They could sniff and gossip all they wanted - it really wouldn't bother me.

Anyway, the OP is off on holiday now and I hope is having a lovely time - but I hope her dh is too. My feeling is that he's learned to surrender in order for a quiet life, but hey ho.

Now...about that spice rack...

OP - you are not unreasonable. It is YOUR home. YOU make the rules. If YOU do not want nosey people staying in YOUR home. That is entirely your decision.

I would also say no to such a request from my PIL. They are both nosey bastards.

PLUS, my MIL does not know the meaning of the word "clean". I would have to fumigate the place after she'd stayed.

Forgive me but I was the one with the stepson who 'ruined' our new bedroom by bouncing on the bed freshly made with all new bedding as if testing it in a shop, before either I or my DH had a chance to go even sit on it, let alone shag anything else.

The surreal moment of standing in my new bedroom watching my DHs adult six footer son diving onto our bed and bouncing on it a couple of times with DH and I standing watching made me feel physically sick, tbh.

At that moment I despaired of ever having any boundaries in place whatsoever for us as a couple. My adult SS had previously lived with us and I had to allow him 'access all areas' practically - to appease my very much ' what's mine is my kids' DH. The only one room l fought hard for and won sanctity for was our bedroom. Even that caused arguments as DH felt his son should be allowed to wander in there to borrow his socks or whatever and whenever. So I pointed out this meant I would always have to be behind the door ready to shout get out wait a minute , after a shower and so on and ready to cover myself up and couldn't sleep naked as I prefer (with covers off by morning usually) and so on. Not acceptable in my own bedroom he reluctantly agreed in the end.

So then fast forward to 'Bouncegate' and not only was he in our bedroom but next second there he was large as life actually on our bed .

Call me strange, but that's how l felt. I completely understand the OPs position.

My house has about an hour's outstanding housework at the moment. The public spaces and our bedrooms are clean and tidy (or at least as tidy as is likely on a wet day in the school holidays).

But the spare room would need another hour or so, because it's the office as well, and there's some unsorted paperwork, a couple of boxes waiting to go into the loft, etc. And I'd feel obliged to sort out the room upstairs which is morphing from dressing room/store room to nursery/baby's bedroom. Which realistically will take me a few hours if not a whole day to do properly.

So that's an extra day of work which doesn't need doing immediately, but would if we were to give someone free run of the house, even a non-snoopy, non-judgemental person. Like others upthread, I'd have managed it with a few weeks' notice but not overnight. DH is always amazed at the extra jobs I find to do before people stay even when we will be there too!

Add the complication of a guest with a history of snooping and I'd need a lot of extra time to sort every fricking drawer and cupboard in the house

I'm with you Bettern.

Why would an adult-or a child who know better, launch themselves onto someone else's newly made bed?

Surely it's only with the intention of annoying/messing it up?

"If people really feel that they have to clean to somebody else's standards, then I pity them"

some people really do though - because of the criticism they know they will get.

If I know I am going to have a house-guest for a prolonged period then I do stuff like clean out the cutlery drawer, because although I can live with fishing bits of crusty broccoli out of the knife compartment I imagine that other people might find it quite icky.

I also make sure the bathroom sink is looking clean, that my knickers aren't thrown all over the laundry basket - or indeed the house, and that coffee stains have been cleaned off wooden stairs, that there is nothing moulding away in the back of the fridge...

I know there are many people who would never let these things happen, or stay like that for long, but not all of us keep things spick and span all the time.

A lot of people have said that it would be different if it were OPs mother.

FWIW, my MIL snoops, they had lodgers once and she found a pair of dirty knickers belonging to a lodger and told all and sundry the lodger had an STD. Which MIL "diagnosed" from the state of her knickers. My Mum doesn't do things like that. So I would be happier having my Mum to stay!

Even so, the last time my Mum stayed while dh and I went away, she tried to help but one "improvement" she made was putting address labels on all the boys' drawers with "socks" or "vests" written on them. They won't come off easily and she didn't even put them in the right drawers! I am NOT complaining, she minded the boys for a week while dh and I went on a trip, but I would have preferred if she didnt'

My feeling is that he's learned to surrender in order for a quiet life, but hey ho.

Did you miss the bit where the OP said that they could stay but HE would have to do the cleaning required? Did you miss that it was only then that he decided to call and cancel? He was happy to have his DP there as long as it didnt cause him any hassle at all, the second he was required to roll his sleeves up it was too much like hard work! Nothing to do with rolling over for a quiet life, its because he is a lazy sod.

Said yes to his mum cos it was easier than saying no, then cancelled because he was too lazy to do the work and expected his wife to do it!

He would have to do the cleaning that SHE said was required. I suspect it would have been akin to the Augean stables and he'd never be done, so he chose giving in for a quieter life instead.

My DH learned to surrender in order for a quiet life from his parents. And still didn't get one, because they are never happy.

From me, he learned that saying no to unreasonable demands wouldn't result in MIL having a mental breakdown which was all his fault, which is something he spent his childhood and early adult life believing.

My feeling is exactly the same as Bogeyface's, he said yes because it was easier than saying no, then gave it no further thought because he is used to the OP doing everything to prepare for them and taking the flack for it not being perfect.

That's perhaps coloured by my own experiences with PILs, but as I said, it's easy to say you wouldn't mind this sort of thing if it's not happening to you or you are the type of person to do it yourself.

And the OP can't seem to win. She's being asked how messy and dirty her house is that she needs to do a mega-clean on it but also being judged for having the too high-standards to want to do a mega-clean before guests arrive. Or actually to want her DH to do it, because he was the one who said they could stay and then forgot all about it until the last minute.

battern I so feel your pain.

Just the memory of my MIL lounging on my bed makes me physically shudder. If that makes me a loon then so be it. I would not dream of lying on her bed.

What to do ,what to do now for the holidays,after unpacking.....poor old snoop.

Thank you Iwaswatching

...and people ask why we shouldn't be tracked by the state and private sector, since "if you haven't done snything wrong, you have nothing to fear/hide!"

EVERYONE has something to hide, and if it doesn't seem like it to that individual, some relative will come along and turn that innocent something into gossip"

Or not. Ideally, we are all fortunate enough to live in comfortable intimacy with our families and friends, but it seems boundary-oversteppers can make ammunition out of anything...

"He would have to do the cleaning that SHE said was required."

Why?

He would have only had to do the cleaning that he thought was necessary.