Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

553 replies

lineup · 30/07/2013 19:38

Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

OP posts:
ClartyCarol · 31/07/2013 11:36

Agree with the latest posts. DH and I will also check with each other. Don't think that makes either of us henpecked.

firesidechat · 31/07/2013 11:37

My husband also checks stuff with me!

I'm not controlling-he's just polite.

diddl, we are the same.

curlew · 31/07/2013 11:39

I would have to have a bloody good reason for telling dp he couldn't have a member of his family to stay in our house.

GingerBlondecat · 31/07/2013 11:39

marriedinwhiteisbackWed 31-Jul-13 07:36:30

But the bit I don't get ginger is why the op has to keep things secret. Am honestly racking my brains about what my mil or mum or anyone else doesn't know already.

In our case, my mum let slip my SS number to someone else, and the result was not pleasant
GingerBlondecat · 31/07/2013 11:41

Really, unless people have known or dealt with toxic people, it IS hard to understand

diddl · 31/07/2013 11:41

But often husbands check with wives because the wives are expected to remember any appointments/arrangements & husbands just don't have a clue what's going on!

SarahAndFuck · 31/07/2013 11:42

On most threads where someone, anyone, is coming at short or no notice for whatever reason the OP of the thread is usually told countless times "Well he invited them, let him cook/clean/shop for their visit."

Which is exactly what the OP suggested to her DH, his parents asked to come, he agreed, didn't tell her, knows their standards and habits when in their house and now she's been called all sorts of names for suggesting to him what countless people on here recommend in situations exactly like this.

The OP doesn't have to be a filthy slattern living in a hovel or have 'secrets' that she wouldn't want anyone else to know about to object to this visit. It is possible to live in a reasonably clean and tidy home and feel that your pay slips and pile cream are private things you don't want your relatives poking through without being a terrible person and a potential nightmare MIL yourself.

peacefuloptimist I find your post a bit depressing too, to be honest. You write like you feel the parents own a child, even an adult child, and have a claim to the home they have made with their partner and children. I gave birth to my son, DH and I are raising him, we are investing everything in him because he is our only child but never, ever in the future will I believe I have more rights than his wife/partner in their home.

You say you were going through your sisters things when you stayed in her home and then put it down to her children emptying cupboards and drawers. If you were just picking things up and putting them away again then no, that's not snooping. If you were taking things out of envelopes or reading through diaries as you picked them up, then yes that is snooping.

There's nothing wrong with sharing the private details of your life with your family if you choose to do so but if they are discovering the private details of your life by using their time in your empty home to look in drawers they have no need to open or read your mail or look at your filed bank statements then that is wrong of them.

We often leave bills, appointment letters and things that we are still dealing with clipped to pegs hanging on the back of the kitchen door. They are there for our reference and if someone sees them there hanging there, well, fair enough if they catch a glimpse of a price or appointment time etc, because we left it on view. Complaining about that would be as pointless as complaining that they saw an ornament on the mantelpiece or a framed photograph on the shelves.

But if someone takes a bill or appointment down from the peg and reads it, no, that's not on, that's very different because they know it's none of their business but they've gone beyond just noticing something to actually removing it and reading it anyway. It's gone passed noticing something to snooping at something.

There is a balance and obviously it's nothing secret if it's hanging on the back of the kitchen door. But it's still obviously something that's ours, not theirs, and nobody else coming into the house has any right or need to take it down and read it in detail just because we haven't locked it away. They ought to know it's not their business just by the fact that it's not their house, it's not addressed to them, it doesn't belong to them etc.

And it's even worse if they are entering rooms they don't need to go in or looking through drawers and cupboards they don't need to look in.

Just because some people wouldn't have a problem with that, it doesn't mean that someone who does has something to hide or is a controlling freak trying to manipulate their entire extended family. It's just as fine to feel that you have a right to privacy in your own home from friends and relatives even if you have no experience of one who snoops as it is to feel your house and life are open books to anyone who wants to come and look at them.

Locking something away actually wouldn't stop my PILs or some of the others being discussed here. If they found a locked drawer they would search for a key. It can be hard to understand why that might be a problem if you have no experience of living with a relative who would do that. Or if you are the relative who would do that.

2rebecca · 31/07/2013 11:42

I'm with the OP. Having someone to stay in your house whilst you are away is a very big favour to ask for me and definitely something you would discuss with your spouse, and teenage children if you have them before inviting someone.
If anyone asked me to stay in our house whilst we were away I'd discuss it with my husband and the teenage kids. If we decided they could stay then we'd need to discuss what state the house would be left in, what people wanted tidied away etc. bedding would need changing, sex toys tidied away.
We clean the house before guests come (because we both work and aren't housework mad normally).
My husband would never just say "MIL is coming for 3 weeks in 2 days time" because he knows I'd say no.
I'd have enough to do just before going away (I'm a last minute packer)without extra house cleaning.
The nosy MIL thing would make it worse, and the risk of coming back to find everything rearranged. MIL isn't homeless, it isn't an emergency, there was no reason for this not to be discussed.

Glitterspy · 31/07/2013 11:42

Difficult one as it's DH's house too and he has said yes.

I personally wouldn't mind - we live in a touristy area and pay lots of rent for the privelege so we're happy to share when we're away, in fact we quite like the idea of the place not going to waste. Also for good karma as we often stay in the holiday home of others and believe what goes around comes around!

Why do you feel it's such a massive privacy/boundary issue? Are you worried she'll judge you for untidiness? Or find secrets you'd rather keep hidden?

ClartyCarol · 31/07/2013 11:42

You were in the SS? Shock

Sorry, just trying to inject a bit of levity Grin

Sallystyle · 31/07/2013 11:42

I think 'I am not comfortable with it' is a bloody good reason.

Now, if there house was flooded or they had nowhere to stay the OP would be U. However, they just want to stay for the sake of it?

ClartyCarol · 31/07/2013 11:42

Oops massive xpost.

Bogeyface · 31/07/2013 11:43

Curlew So "I dont want it to happen" is not good enough? Why not? Its your home too and "I dont want to" is a good enough reason to me. You say that the OP is controlling but I would say that you needing "to have a bloody good reason" to say no to your DP is far more controlling of him.

Ginger so they know your credit card balance? How much your mortgage is? How much you and your DP earn? When you last had a smear?

curlew · 31/07/2013 11:43

"I think 'I am not comfortable with it' is a bloody good reason."

No it isn't!

Parmarella · 31/07/2013 11:45

I don't really want people in my home when I am away.

But, I would offer family as long as I would have enough advance warning to prep the house.

As I would like to put clean sheets on the bed, tidy and sort laundry ( so they would not feel they were expected to do it), give the bathroom and ktchen a proper clean ( as opposed to my fuck-it-that-ll-do approach), hde any embarrassing stuff etc.

Being told at such short notice about guests I did not like, would stress me out.

I have also, previuosly said "no" to SIL who is a hippy, and despises bourgeois people with their sad little semi's, as she is an artst and mainy sofa surfs and is a free spirit. She is a fun guest, but I was not happy for her and a couple of mates to live in our house for 3 weeks whilst we were away. The fact that she woud poke fun at our stuff.....somehow made t impossible for me to relax about it. Also, the whole thing about hating the petit bourgeois but then taking advantage of their lfestyle grated on me.

So OP, yanbu IMO, as you did not have enough notice, and this sort of decission needs to be taken by both partners.

ClartyCarol · 31/07/2013 11:46

Glitterspy - you need to read the thread.

SarahandFuck very well put.

curlew · 31/07/2013 11:48

There are lots of things where "I don't want to" is fine. For something like this, which is actually stopping the other person using the house the way they would like to there has to be a better reason than that.

As I said, I think, earlier how would people feel about an OP where someone said "I really want my mum to come and stay, but my dp has said he doesn't want her to come, so I can't" I bet there would be a torrent of "how very dare he"s!

SarahAndFuck · 31/07/2013 11:48

For some reason this has reminded me of the time MIL woke us in the middle of the night to complain to us about DH using her wooded spoon to stir something she thought might have stained it.

I'm not sure this is relevant, but from a woman who used to check our birth control for signs of grandchildren it does seem that she has the wrong idea where boundaries are concerned.

Eggsiseggs · 31/07/2013 11:48

FireSideChat I meant 'food for thought' for me!

I wasn't being sarcastic when I said I wonder how many times I have offended someone by doing what I thought was nice (Argh! Have just had a memory about doing all my MIL's ironing when she was at work and I was staying there! You would hate me, OP ). I have done a lot of the things people say are annoying on here. I just never, ever saw it from that pov before, I suppose. I do now.

True, Clarty, I suppose the paperwork things are my boundaries. I usually wouldn't be that careful about it, it's just that no-one knows we are having IVF, so I wouldn't want them to find out that way.

However, I step down from my self-promotion to The Most Relaxed Person Ever. Dammit.

Am I forgiven? Tell you what, come to mine for a drink. You can stay over Grin Wine

EuphemiaLennox · 31/07/2013 11:49

fireside well actually I do have to get on with my neurotic, house proud controlling SIL.

It's very frustrating as the family members who are more relaxed and flexible have to constantly meet her demands for the sake of family harmony, however bonkers they think they are.

I think some examples on this thread are bonkers, and examples of people with their own issues taking offence where none is meant.

Some examples though atre fair enough and way over the limits of any sane persons tolerance.

Not allowing your PILs to stay in your house when you're not there, unless they are totally vile and malicious, and worrying about them using your electricity and bubble bath, judging your spice rack, and then insisting they can only stay if your DH cleans out all the cupboards first...falls into the bonkers hard to get along with camp for me.

Some other examples given I have more sympathy with and the family are obviously the bonkers ones.

ClartyCarol · 31/07/2013 11:49

Parmerella - what a cheeky fucking mare your sil is! Hates the squares but doesn't mind the warmth, hot water and roof over her head that they can provide!

pianodoodle · 31/07/2013 11:49

"My DB on the other hand cannot agree to anything and responds to all suggestions with, I'll check with DW and let you know. We all interpret this as her being very controlling

And if he didn't do that and it turned out there was another arrangement made so he had to cancel, you'd all interpret that as her telling him he had to cancel so she'd still be viewed as controlling anyway!

firesidechat · 31/07/2013 11:49

2rebecca, I could have written that post.

"I think 'I am not comfortable with it' is a bloody good reason."

No it isn't!

Of course it is!

Bogeyface · 31/07/2013 11:49

"I think 'I am not comfortable with it' is a bloody good reason."

No it isn't!

Of course it is! You have the right to feel happy and comfortable in your own home and if extra guests would make you feel uncomfortable then you have the right to veto it. He can say he wants them to stay, you can say you dont want them to. The compromise you reach is up to you, but it concerns me that you think that your feelings are not valid if he wants his family to stay.

GingerBlondecat · 31/07/2013 11:50

No Bogey, they opened all sorts of accounts, racked them up, and then pissed off, the hounds came after me for the moneis spent, and I knew nothing of it