AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

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Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

Cleaning to somebody else's standards would be a choice - the house could have been left as it was. Buying milk etc - well, the pils could do that themselves, just as they could make up a bed if told where the sheets were etc. Just because something could be a big faff, doesn't mean it has to be a big faff.

Sarah am at MIL poking around in your birth control. Thought clearly it's too controlling of you to not want her to!

If thats the case Remus why did the OPs DH cancel as soon as he was told that anything that did need to be done, would have to be done by him? Surely if it isnt that big a deal, he would have done what you said?

Remus - but don't you get the impression that these PILs would turn their nose up at having to make their own bed when they were "guests", and gossip later about DIL "not even having cleaned properly or got us some milk in" -it would not be their sons fault, I am sure, it would be the DIL who was bitched about behind her back.

I am still utterly bemused why they would invite themselves like this when its not a tourist place and their beloved DS & family will not even be there.

I cant believe the number of people whose Ps or PILs actually OPEN their mail - bad enough picking up and reading something left out on the side but to actually take something out of an opened envelope, or actually OPEN it, unbelievable!

Because he was told that cleaning out the spice cupboards etc would be absolutely necessary. He probably thought he'd get a quieter life. He was probably thinking of damage limitation and the fact that he wanted to have a half decent holiday without being sulked at for three weeks. Who knows? I'd love to hear his side of the story too, but we've only heard one side.

And so what if they gossiped about having to get their own milk? That's their problem, not the OP's.

Of course preparation needed to be done for the visit, locking away private documents being one as OP states MIL pry's.

OP's DH decided deferring his parents visit was better instead of doing the required tidy. His choice.

I disagree Remus - if they were allowed to come and stay, but asked to make their own bed/excuse the mess/get their own groceries in etc - then bitched/gossiped/moaned about it, this would just show how rude and entitled they were , but of course it would still be hurtful to the OP.

Wow this thread has moved quickly.

Sarah, I don't believe that children belong to their parents but they should have a healthy dose of respect and gratitude towards them. My parents have proved time and time again that they will always be there for me when I need them. My ds is 11 months and I have already given so much of myself to him and sacrificed some of my wants just like any mother would do really. I really feel humbled when I think that my mother did the same for me. Its depressing to see some people feel so entitled and self important that they would set up a sort of competition between themselves and their dps parents and would demand greater loyalty shown to them. I'm not saying op did this but the attitude of many posters here screams of this.

Fireside I agree that her wishes should take precedence over her dps mother in their home but she has effectively over ruled her dps wishes too. I believe you should treat others like you want to be treated. I would not like to be told I can't have my dm stay at our home so would not do that to my dh even if I felt uncomfortable. It's not always about what makes you comfortable sometimes it's about doing the right thing and bullying your partner to call his dm last minute to cancel a prearranged trip is certainly not the right thing, to me anyway.

With regards to my dsis we don't have many boundaries between us having shared a room our entire childhood we are fairly relaxed (now) about going through each others things. But as I said I was looking after her dcs in her home so it would have been difficult to avoid coming across personal things.
I would not like it if my mil talked nonsense about me to others however ops mil hasn't done this she just suspects that she will. That's not a good enough reason to say no. She could have locked away her personal items and things she wanted to hide or even taken them with her. Asking her dp to tidy up the house in preparation for his guests is a reasonable compromise but giving him ridiculous unimportant tasks like cleaning the inside of cupboards is engineering the situation to get your own way.

I have to say that it sounds as if the OP was exaggerating the amount of cleaning/ tidying that would need to be done in order to make a point and twist her DH's arm into cancelling the arrangement. Her argument that she didn't want them there hadn't worked, nothing else was working so a massively exaggerated list of "every cupboard in the house, under the beds etc etc" that he would have to clean would have done the trick.

My MiL would clean to make a point. When she rearranged the flat it was to try and exert control over me. She was used getting her own way and i came along and wouldn't play the game. There was only me and DH living there, it was clean and tidy so she had to move everything to let me know she had done something. I had jumpers drying over the bath. There was silk in them and had to be hand washed and dried flat. She put them in the machine and totally destroyed them.
The thing is her house was thick with dust at all times and she has a tenuous grasp of personal hygene.

She comes up some Saturdays supposedly to see the DDs but she sits gazing adoringly at DH . I'm never in when she comes. I found out that she was making herself cups of tea because all the bills, letters, hospital appointments etc that were on the side of my fringe had been moved about.

A few hours later shes in the phone screaming and crying that why didn't DH tell her he was dying. All because she had seen a hospital appointment for him. Which was under 3 or 4 other letters.

"Because he was told that cleaning out the spice cupboards etc would be absolutely necessary."

Is he not capable of thinking for himself, then & deciding himself what cleaning needed doing for his mum to stay ?

Seems as if he couldn't be bothered to put any effort in.

I am at these MIl/PIL who seem to have never understood that their DC is grown up now and should have his privacy respected. This is a great thread for those of us with adult children, so we can see the kind of thing that would make us permanently unwelcome in their home. Though so far I havent seen anything that I would have done- open letters? rummage through drawers? get into beds? bizarre.

My mother comes to stay to have the kids so we can go away, and I also have a carer in the house while we work. They both have free run of the place and they can move/read/use whatever they like. I am sure that they could read all my bank statements if they felt like it as I CBA to put them in secret places. But I know they just wouldn't- any more than I would read my mother's bank statements when I stay at her place.

Peaceful I agree with you about the respect and gratitude, but once your children are adults especially, it cuts both ways.

It's quite telling that both DH and I get along well with my parents, who have never imposed or snooped, but neither of us see much, if anything, of his parents, who are constantly making demands and snooping.

You choose to have a child and raise it making sacrifices, then they grow up and do the same with their own children. In many cases here it's been said over and over that it's the parents/PILs who are setting the competition rather than the DIL or SIL (son-in-law) and seem to think that they have rights over the couple and their home.

My own FIL once said that to me, "This is MY sons house and I will do as I please in it." No, you won't, neither DH nor I were happy with that idea and soon put him right on that.

I do think it depends on who is visiting. I would happily let my DBs stay in the house when we weren't there and the same for all but one of my BIL and SIL. One SIL is competitive and nosy and I wouldn't trust her not to go through private paperwork etc. She has stayed with us when we are here and is welcome to do so again.

I've even come back from holiday to find one of DH's friends kipping on our sofa as he had just moved to London so DH had left a spare key with a friend. He seemed to want to make himself as unobtrusive as possible so I doubt he had been looking through our cupboards .

"My parents have proved time and time again that they will always be there for me when I need them"

but the OP's parents dont need to stay at the house, they just want to.

Bloody hell, only on Mn would you be "vindictive, manipulative and hateful" amongst other things, for not wanting people to stay in your house for almost a month with no notice, no time to clean, and no consideration to your feelings whatsoever.

Meanwhile, in the real, non-bonkers world, its totally normal not to want unanticipated, uninvited guests at the very last minute to stay in your house when you aren't there

Anyone else wondering if the dh capitulated to the OP's demands a little too readily? And if he did actually phone his parents to cancel? Did she witness the call?

OP may be back on here in three weeks with a new thread.

I have been out to a water park. Did I miss much

I have to say, I remain baffled. It's not a judgement on the op - like I said I hope she has a nice holiday and it's good that she and her DH sorted it out.
But the idea that someone staying in your home is the cause of so much stress and angst remains one thing I don't understand.

I actually don't like my mil but I would let her stay - I sure as shit wouldn't be cleaning the spice cupboard for her.
And if I was worried about privacy I would take an hour to lock away anything I didn't want her to see.

If she is a gossip then who will listen to her - presumeably when mil was previously gossiping about curtains and pedicures the OP privately rolled her eyes and ignored.

I quite accept people feel differently but to me it is odd. If my mil blabbed about anything she found in my house, the people I care about wouldn't give a shit and the people I don't care about, I don't care about.
None of that of course relates to mils quoted on here who have maliciously used info. But op says she likes her mil so the concern is clearly just phoning people to say 'ooh her spice cupboard is a right mess' from the phone next to the spa bath.

I used to hate that friends were not able to visit when I was a child - my mum was embaressed by our messy house. But I would have preferred not to have to say no as if mess in a loving home is shameful.maybe that's why I think an open home is a good thing.

Anyway - as always it's interesting.

If only you had been the OP Pagwatch, then this thread would have been far more straightforward.

And significantly less bonkers........

My point was that whatever cleaning he felt would be necessary prior to his parents coming to stay, would never have been enough to meet the OP's idea of what was necessary. And, it seems, that her idea of what was necessary was in relation to how much she wished to punish him for having the temerity to want to let his parents stay when she didn't want them to. He was onto a loser whatever he did.

Pagwatch - You are a voice of reason on an insane thread. :)

It's all about being open to understand and accept that people are different. Some posters are struggling with this concept to a remarkable degree.

AIBUs seem to come in 3 main flavours:

1. Practically everyone says YABU.
2. Practically everyone says YANBU.
3. A more mixed result where those who struggle say "how can this bother you when it doesn't bother me?"

Actually I think it's just that I went out.. Threads always jump the shark don't they, as people get more and more frustrated at seeing things totally differently.

Everyone should have to go down a water slide after a fixed number of posts. that would work.