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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

553 replies

lineup · 30/07/2013 19:38

Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

OP posts:
firesidechat · 31/07/2013 11:51

That was bit was directed at curlew obviously.

This thread is moving too fast for my poor brain.

Bogeyface · 31/07/2013 11:51

Xpost!

firesidechat · 31/07/2013 11:51

last not was. Arghhh.

GingerBlondecat · 31/07/2013 11:52

My saving grace had been that I was at work when it happened and the bank cameras had someone else's face

All I can say, I m sorry

curlew · 31/07/2013 11:53

"but it concerns me that you think that your feelings are not valid if he wants his family to stay."

Of course they are valid. But unless there is a very good reason then you stop being a princess and get on with it. Just as I would expect him to do if the OP wanted her mother to stay.

Bogeyface · 31/07/2013 11:53

Sorry Ginger that was actually to "marriedinwhite" but I read it on your post. Durr Blush

GingerBlondecat · 31/07/2013 11:53

sorry legal reasons I cannot say more Sad

GingerBlondecat · 31/07/2013 11:54

aha gotcha, sorry, I was confused too

Bogeyface · 31/07/2013 11:56

Yes Curlew but I think that "I dont want to" is a very good reason! It is your home too and you could turn your argument around and say that him having guests to stay against your wishes is him stopping you using your home as you want to!

DuelingFanjo · 31/07/2013 11:56

"how would people feel about an OP where someone said "I really want my mum to come and stay, but my dp has said he doesn't want her to come, so I can't"

that is so different to what is being discussed though.

"I want my mother to come and stay with us" is not the same as "my mother is coming to stay in the house tomorrow for three weeks while we are away"

Well said sarahandFuck

firesidechat · 31/07/2013 11:56

Sorry eggsiseggs, I misunderstood your comment. Serves me right for not reading properly.

Bogeyface · 31/07/2013 11:57

So sorry Ginger. that sounds horrendous and just goes to show what can happen when stupid people cant keep their gobs shut. Just as the PP who almost lost a very big opportunity thanks to a nosy parker.

I dont get how those who say it is controlling etc, cant see just how destructive snooping and gossping can be!

curlew · 31/07/2013 12:00

Oh, so "I don't want to" is only a bloody good reason in specific circumstances a?

EuphemiaLennox · 31/07/2013 12:09

pianosoodle only I'd that happened every time.

Sometimes 'because I don't want to' is a good enough reason for not doing things.

But generally if it involves disareeing with or upsetting your husband, offending his family and causing general awkwardness, you need to have more substantial reasons.

If you value family harmony it's worth doing things you don't want to sometimes.

And of your reason is just 'I don't want to' and it upsets lots of others, then you will look like the barmy and controlling one and not your ILs.

If you've got really good reasons though, like some poeple on this thread, then you don't need to resort to 'don't want to.'

fluffyraggies · 31/07/2013 12:18

A family home is a shared space. It's not for one or the other to say yes to a house guest without consulting the other.

WAY upthread someone asked ''how would you feel if your DH said he'd rather not have your mother live in the house alone for 3 weeks?''

My answer would be:
''i'd respect his feelings - tell my mum, 'sorry, no, change of plan', and make a mental note not to arrange fairly major things to do with the house in future without checking with the co-owner of the house. (ie my spouse) that's he's ok with it.

FWIW my DH wouldn't want my mum living in our house for 3 weeks so i wouldn't arrange it.

sparechange · 31/07/2013 12:21

SarahandFuck has put it very well

Justforlaughs · 31/07/2013 12:21

Fortunately for me, I'm such an untidy mare that no-one in their right mind would want to stay here when we were away! Grin
If someone, who I didn't want to stay but DH did, did decide to brave the mess, and I was worried that they would snoop, I would not be able to resist the temptation to plant "items" for them to find! Sex toys, love letters, fake bills etc. Wink
As for the OP, I would never refuse to allow someone to stay of they needed to, so if my DSis was home from abroad and I was away, then she would be welcome to stay here rather than pay for a hotel. However, I have used a friends house when she went abroad as it was the only way we could take our DCs on holiday that year (I only now realise just how kind that was of her), and I obviously don't get the whole privacy thing like OP does. I find it hard to believe that she could have lived for at least 10 years with her DH and he doesn't know how she feels about something like this.

firesidechat · 31/07/2013 12:21

For what it's worth I would have most of my family and my husbands family house sit if it was really needed by them or us. However apart from the one incident that I have previously mentioned, we have never house sat for each other.

It would also depend on the person:

My parents - definitely not because they are elderly and disabled and our house would be a death trap for them.

Sibling 1 - yes.

Sibling 2 - no, for the reasons previously mentioned.

Husbands sibling 1 - yes.

Husbands sibling 2 - yes, but only after a deep clean because they are very, very house proud. My house is pretty clean and tidy. but I still don't think they would be comfortable staying in our house.

Husbands other relative (who shall be nameless) - no way would they be invited. If I suggested it my husband would have a major freakout.

The OPs situation wasn't an average one was it? Her husband "forgot" to mention it until just before they were going on holiday. Who forgets things like that. It appears that he didn't want to have a proper grown up conversation about it and certainly didn't want to do the work involved.

If I remember correctly she had two children and was 9 weeks pregnant (hope I've got the right thread) and they were just about to go on holiday. That's a big enough burden without adding house guests into the mix with only hours to go. It might well have been the straw that broke the camels back. It would be for me.

Twirlyhot · 31/07/2013 12:38

SarahAndFuck put it beautifully.

The standard response on here when a DH has invited people without any warning/when the OP isn't keen on them staying is 'let him cook for them/entertain them. That's all the OP did. All he had to do was prepare for the visit - clean, get the spare room set up etc.

Twirlyhot · 31/07/2013 12:45

All this 'what have you got to hide?' in response to a desire for privacy is very judgemental.

I accept that there are those who love people randomly popping in to visit and would have no problem with the OP's scenario, even though they knew the person would be into everything. Why can't you accept that some people like privacy and value it? That to them the idea of someone going through their things is upsetting.

2rebecca · 31/07/2013 12:46

If my husband invited someone to stay for 3 weeks whilst we were away (or even if we were here) I would feel that he was ignoring my opinion and thought my opinion was invalid.
I don't invite people to stay without discussing it with my husband so it is reciprocal.
If my dad wanted to stay and it wasn't convenient for my husband then my dad wouldn't stay.
It's the complete lack of discussion and short notice that the OP is mainly complaining about, although I think nosy relatives have only themselves to blame if no-one wants them in their houses unsupervised.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 31/07/2013 12:59

But it's nothing to do with convenience. It's not inconvenient to the OP at all - just undesirable.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 31/07/2013 13:00

The OP's husband didn't seem like he actually wanted his parents to stay, he just didn't want to say no to them when they asked. So no, it's not the same as one partner wanting their parents to visit and the other nixing it.

Imagine, in Terry-and-June style Grin, your partner rings you at 4pm and says 'the boss has just asked if s/he can come round for dinner tonight so we'll all be here at around 6.30'. It's your turn to do dinner so the implication is that you will now need to cook and get ready for them.

Now, even if you have no other plans that night, isn't it still reasonable to say, 'Sorry, we haven't had a chance to discuss it and plan. Tonight's not a goer I'm afraid'? I think so. Some people might agree, some people might agree on condition the partner brings takeaway home or whatever, but no-one who said no to such a short notice request would be unreasonable.

Bogeyface · 31/07/2013 13:12

It's not inconvenient to the OP at all - just undesirable.

I would say that having to sort out the guest room, clean to the picky MIL's standards, make sure there is milk etc in the fridge, ON TOP of packing for a holiday is massively inconvenient. Clearly the OP's DH agreed that it was because when he was told that he would have to do all that, he called and cancelled.

I would be bloody fuming about that alone, never mind the notice etc. How dare he make such a massive assumption that his already busy wife will jump to it and prepare for an unwanted visit because he says so and CBA to do it himself?!

SarahAndFuck · 31/07/2013 13:14

It is inconvenient to her if she feels the house needs to be cleaned and private things need to be hidden, based on MILs past behaviour, and at very short notice. Especially since she was the one being expected to do it, her DH cancelled very quickly when he was put on the spot and told to prepare for them himself.

I agree with those saying "I'm not comfortable with it" being a very good reason not to do something.

It's another MN stock phrase on here, along with "he invited them, let him do with work." "Trust your instincts and don't do something you are not comfortable with" is said about many situations that involve family and friends and is normally supported well on MN.

Thank you to those saying I made a good point, btw. It's always nice to know I'm making sense, doesn't happen every day Grin

I've managed to grasp my own point about the spoon as well now. MIL gives a wooden spoon in a utensil pot in her kitchen a greater priority for respect than she gives to other people's tucked-away belongings, including their birth control, private mail and unopened post etc.