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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my dad shouldn't have done this (I don't know how cross to be!)

198 replies

MorganMummy · 27/07/2013 03:24

I'm genuinely not sure how cross I should be.

My dad has a convertible and my DS (2.7)loves cars. We were getting ready to go swimming when staying at my parents' a few days ago, and my dad took DS outside to sit in the car (which was on the drive),which he's done once or twice before. When I came out the car was in the garage and my dad told me he'd driven the car into the garage with DS in the passenger seat - no seatbelt, and obviously no child seat so even a seat belt not very helpful.

I was quite angry as I said even though it is a tiny tiny chance, what if my dad had a heart attack and car lurched forwards (or similar). It was literally a case of driving 10 metres or so on a sloping driveway, so I know the chance of danger was infinitesimal. However, I also believe in avoiding easily avoidable hazards. My dad clearly didn't think I would mind and wasn't secretive about it.

I told my dad he needed to promise me never to do that again. He didn't take me seriously and tried to make a fake jokey promise but I made him do a proper promise. Then I dropped the issue as we were all going out and I didn't want to have a big discussion.

I can't discuss with my DH as he would be furious and I don't want to put his relationship with his PIL under strain. But I know my dad and my mum think I was being OTT and as I've thought about it more I really don't know? Am I being PFB (I know I can be) or is it a generational thing but reasonable of me?

OP posts:
OrangeMochaFrappucino · 27/07/2013 08:19

I think the OP is being a bit unreasonable but I wouldn't like my son to see the carseat as optional so I wouldn't let him be driven even a short distance without it.

And I find some of the stories on here a bit perturbing - the person whose PIL picked her and 4m old up from airport without a carseat for one! I would certainly have refused to get in and I definitely think something like that IS worth falling out over! There is an enormous difference between that and the OP!

diddl · 27/07/2013 08:22

Generational?

How old is OPs father?

My husband & I, both nearly 50, never even start a car without everyone being strapped in.

FIL, late 70s, my Dad in his 80s, both the same.

I think it's an attitude/can't be bothered thing.

I would have thought for most people that "belting up" was just automatic.

Sconset · 27/07/2013 08:24

I think. The difficulty here for the OP is that her father isn't taking safety seriously enough to be entrusted with her son. If the GF put the child in the car without proper restraint once, he may do it again, as 'oh its just a tiny journey' to the local shop etc. Problem then on the open road is that you cannot account for the other idiots driving!
Like the woman who pulled out of a side road into me, and wrote off my car 2 weeks ago. 'I looked one way, but I didn't look the other' she said! Angry
I am unhurt, but my car is fucked- if i'd had my children in the car, at least 1 would be very, very seriously injured, if not worse (she came out like a bullet, and really rammed my rear passenger side, its all stove in).

MalcolmTuckersMum · 27/07/2013 08:26

Have you considered speaking to a doctor about your paranoia? Your parents must despair.

This.

And there's something about the "DH would be furious" that I find faintly worrying too. I hope when you come back you can reassure us that your totally over the top anxiety is not down to being in a controlling and/or oppressive relationship.

MissAntithetic · 27/07/2013 08:27

I think you are massively over reacting.

Now if you had said "I don't want ds getting confused I teach him that he must be in a car seat and safely fastened in before the car moves" then you may have had a point. If it were my dad I would have just asked him not to do that because of the above reason. At a push although I'm not particularly bothered.

Are you usually so anxious?

Buzzardbird · 27/07/2013 08:27

Op probably asleep judging by what time she started this thread.
Op are you suffering with anxiety issues? I know it makes everything seem ten times worse and life threatening events are around every corner? You need more support perhaps from dh.

SusuwatariToes · 27/07/2013 08:33

Just like it is irrelevant whether or not WE think it is ok. You as the parent get to choose which risks you are willing to take.

Passmethecrisps · 27/07/2013 08:35

Poor OP!

For what it's worth I think the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. But lots of unkind posts? Unnecessary.

Maybe a wee chat with GF about concerns re car seat and safety to put your mind at ease that he won't undermine you but then put the issue to bed.

heidihole · 27/07/2013 08:36

YABU and a crazy crazy lady! One day you'll look back at this and laugh.

This is beyond PFB I'm afraid this is lunatic territory :)

pianodoodle · 27/07/2013 08:39

I think it was an overreaction on your part and I say that as a fellow worrier!

Unless your dad would think nothing of going for a drive without belts or is generally careless I wouldn't mind.

Also unless he's at high risk of heart attack it isn't really the reason to give as we can't all avoid everyday life activities just in case we collapse.

DD ploughs up and down the drive in an electric dodgem car and frequently climbs out while it's moving or messes around in there! She'd have fewer accidents being driven into the garage in our car :)

mothersapron · 27/07/2013 08:43

Ha ha Morgan, You remind me of when DS was 2. I told his dad I would refuse him access to his DS if he gave him squash again, I could smell it in his water cup! I was tired and stressed. I really do laugh about it now, you will too. Grin

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 27/07/2013 08:43

OP YABU I'm afraid - but I can understand the overwhelming risk-averse overprotectiveness a lot of parents feel. My dh calls me 'safety girl', but even I wouldn't bat an eyelid at this.

Your dc really wasn't at risk, and probably had a lovely time. Your dad was giving him a little treat. He's probably rightly Confused about your reaction to this.

diddl · 27/07/2013 08:49

OP, you may have BU in the way you spoke to your Dad.

But as I've said, in this case, the no seat belt would piss me off.

It's just automatic to put one on when in a car, isn't it?

TBH, I don't understand why some people don't belt up until after starting the car, & certainly not until after starting to drive away.

ProphetOfDoom · 27/07/2013 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 27/07/2013 08:56

The risk I small, but actually sometimes crashes happen in short distances and many accidents occur near the home where we relax the most.

When I was learning to drive another student crashed (properly crashed) the car against a tree when coming out of the parking spot.
And exH witnessed a driver crash her car onto another, both in parallel parking.
Both just accelerated too much from a stopped position.

A 2.5 year old might have hurt his neck or his head.

So, maybe not go nuts at your father, but insist on safety yes.

MurderOfGoths · 27/07/2013 09:00

My dad is really safety conscious, this is the man who will wind his window down to tell other people off if their children aren't strapped in. But I can see him doing the same as the OP's dad, the risk is minimal. Doing a drive up a driveway really slowly with a child unstrapped doesn't mean he'll do a drive anywhere else with the drive unstrapped.

I took DS to a safari park a couple of months ago, and DH had him sat on his lap all the way round. None of us were wearing seatbelts. Because the risk there was so tiny. You're never going to get through life without some risks, you just have to objectively weigh them up.

greenhill · 27/07/2013 09:01

Please stop being unkind to MorganMummy, from the tone of her post she is anxious about several issues, (including her DH's reaction to a minor incident she feels she would have to hide from him), fear of death of several family members and a strong urge to see the worst case scenario in every incident. This may be her only child and she may have fertility issues, so could be excessively concerned about safety issues.

Words such as cross, angry, fake, secretive and promise, all suggest over thinking and anxiety by the OP. I despair of AIBU posts, if this was posted on the Mental Heath board, there would be sympathy and advice offered.

ThisReallyIsNotSPNopeNotAtAll · 27/07/2013 09:01

Its a drive at hardly any speed into a garage. That's nothing to get into such a panic about and if your husband was to be furious at then I think he might have some issues.

Just because he didn't belt him in for a 2 min drive up the drive doesn't mean he cant be trusted with the child's safety and wont ever have him in a car seat

My dad did this with all of us and does it with my son. He still has him in a case seat if leaving the drive! Its not a generation thing either as my dad is 41.

Lweji · 27/07/2013 09:02

And I'm definitely not a pfb mother. :)

giantpurplepeopleeater · 27/07/2013 09:04

I can see you were worried, and that there was something VERY simple (seatbelt) that your Dad could have done to ensure it was much more safe for DS.

However, as caring and protecting goes, I personally think your reaction is WAY over the top.

You're never going to be able to remove all risk, and you need to be careful about the negative impacts of being too over-protective, and removing all danger.

It scared/ annoyed you. Apologise to your dad and move on.

Rebelrebel · 27/07/2013 09:06

While the risk is very small, it's the message to the child that is actually more important, IMO. Mine have it drummed into them that the car does not move until everyone is strapped in. You've ensured this will be a one-off, now you can let it go and forget about it.

Lastofthepodpeople · 27/07/2013 09:07

My dad something similar at about the same age for DS. They're on a farm so no other cars and he let DS sit on his lap and 'drive' it back the farmhouse. he went really slowly but it did make me uncomfortable. Others have said your Dad's from a different generation and they're right but we're also from one where we can go a bit overboard a bit. So YABU, but I can definitely understand why you feel that way.

DragonMamma · 27/07/2013 09:09

Absolutely, unequivocally unreasonable of you.

It is such a non issue I bet your parents think you are stark raving bonkers for going off on. Massively PFB too, I'm afraid.

If this is how you feel generally though it's probably worth speaking to your GP

Witt · 27/07/2013 09:10

YABU for the reasons stated above.

diddl · 27/07/2013 09:10

"Mine have it drummed into them that the car does not move until everyone is strapped in."

Yes, that!

I think, OP that YANBT(otally)U.

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