To wonder what the bloody secret to contentment is?

[Tailtwister]

AIBU to wonder if contentment exists and if so, how do you damn well get it?

You meet some people who just seem so content with their lives in general and appear to be able to enjoy all the great things and not be overly bothered by the bad. They are often not those who have the most in a material sense, but seem to be so happy with what they do have IYSWIM. I would LOVE to be like that, but I'm just a discontent and dare I say it, jealous person. I hate being like that, but wonder if that's just me, the way I am.

So, all those who are content with their lot. What's the secret? Is it just a mind set which you either have or not?

Ironically, reading this thread is making me feel sad and discontented with my life! Don't have a partner or kids and am currently a carer for my dad who has dementia and virtually blind. Every day is the same and I feel lonely, unfulfilled and trapped. Need to find some positive things to focus on...:(

I think it's about the expectations that you have. I used to set benchmarks for myself - if I wasn't earning £X by age 35, if we didn't have x, y and z by the time I was 40 - all that useless stuff. Then I got a job in the NHS that I really loved, teaching people IT, and it felt like a vocation. I've never looked back since, I've found my niche even if it isn't a gold plated niche.

My DH has adjusted too - he grew up thinking he had to provide for his wife and DCs, but we have ended up earning 50/50 and we both feel that is actually a much safer feeling.

It helps that we both grew up living very frugally - as in, not throwing things away when they still work even if you can afford to upgrade, bling being unimportant, not buying new cars because they lose so much value in the first couple of years. Our car is 12 years old, out tv is and old-fashioned fat screen and we don't care. Our best days are the ones when we do nothing together as a family - as in, water fights in the garden, a BBQ, sitting outside with a cold drink and a good book. Contentment is definitely a mindset.

Utter rot,no one thinks themselves content
There lies path to self help books,woo
And empty purse

MrsGyllenhaal: it sounds to me like you need another identity. You're a mother to your children and a wife wife to your husband but what are you for you? Being a SAHM is bloody hard, very unfullfilling and repetitive imho (being there, done that) what helped my happiness, self esteem and sense of contentment was retraining in another job. I am now self employed and work out of the home and I'm loving it (never thought I would enjoy being apart from my kids so much but I do)

Branch out and try something different you might find it makes a big difference to your discontentment and genera feelings of failure.

'Contentment is definitely a mindset.'

Agree with pointythings.

I think that there is negative thinking and that it can trap people into seeing the glass half empty. That is why I think that you can think yourself content by seeing things with a different perspective, and that is why I think that some of the woo and self-help books are onto something because they can change your way of thinking,

I haven't read the whole thread, but endorse those who mention a spiritual dimension being necessary for contentment. For me it came from an inspired translation of Ephesians 2, The Bible, from which I understood that I am God's masterpiece. Suddenly I realised that I was good enough for God. If I was good enough for him, that was good enough for me.

That sounds tough Scarlet - hope you can find some little things to enjoy over the summer
Maybe meeting others in something like a carers support group, or other group such as an evening class or hobby group could be helpful ?

Scarlett,sorry to see you've got so much on your plate
Have you had carer assessment, has dad been assessed for any care package
Who's supporting you?

Blimey Scarlett you sound like you have a lot to deal with. . I hope things improve.

I'm not sure it's in the human mentality to feel utterly content all the time. Discontentment drives us to improve our lives. It's what makes us different from goats or pangolins or cows.

I have to say moo that I feel pretty contented, nay happy, most of the time. I had a pretty tough childhood -adulthood is a breeze in comparison. The only thing I would have differently at the moment is be able to go on holiday more than once every 3 years. But we have made choices that mean that we have no spare money for them and that's fine as well- it is free choice.

Scarlet- life has a habit of throwing googlies at you- things can change so quickly. It may not feel like it at the moment, but they really can. Do you have enough help with your dad? You sound as though you're doing a fantastic job but it must be super-hard on you.

No :( I am not at all content with my lot in any area of life :(

I am content, but it only came with the acceptance that those 'magazine lifestyles' weren't real, and having my DD. It doesn't actually take much to make me happy either, nice sunset, bird visiting the garden, that helps too.

I love that cheapskateum. I was so discontent before I became a Christian. Soon after I converted I went to a women's conference and it was all about how we see ourselves in the eyes of the world.

The simple message was that as women we define ourselves as being successful if we tick all the boxes that society has told us are appealing. Eg, good looks, career, relationships - it is all around us and unavoidable. All this stuff is rubbish and transient and we need to be deeper than this and realise that we are flawed but there is something better and this is that Jesus died for our sins and we should be content with this.

For me it was an eye opening message and one I needed to hear.

Even taking out the spiritual message I realised I did define myself by what society perceived as successful and through realising my flaws I actually felt liberated. Since that day I have found something deeper to put my self-esteem in rather than how other people see me. I think this is the central issue for most people who suffer from low esteem. One needs something deeper than materialism to build solid self esteem. I can only say before that day I didn't have anything bigger and as a result I was never content with my lot.

I also question how secular therapists can help build people's self-esteem and therefore contentment, when for most people they don't have anything bigger in their lives than the material world around them, which is shoved down their throat every day of their lives.

I think that I am more content since having my children, before I was lacking something I think. I wasn't enjoying my job, I felt quite lonely. I have found being a mother hard, and have really wondered if it was the right path, felt for a long time I'd made a mistake. But I think that my children force me to live in the moment, which has been key, I have a better understanding of the brevity of time we have.

I am also lucky to have a loving husband, live in a nice area, have good relationship with my parents, I'm a laid back person. I've slowed down since having children, and I mostly enjoy the pace of my life. I do get the fear sometimes, but I think it is wise to accept bad stuff can happen and that is more reason to enjoy life while it is good. I have no financial security, and before children did rack up a ton of debt, living within my means now is good, cooking from scratch, making do, I'm happy to do that. I also feel seeing people in awful situations, knowing that I am very well off really, that is part of it.

Whilst being more content with me, I am also angrier with the world. I feel a greater urge to make the world better.. I wonder if that is to do with having children? Don't know.

I don't have faith. When I was younger that bothered me, but I am happily an atheist, humanist. Definitely being older has made me happier. Which makes me wonder why we are all supposed to be searching for eternal youth.

I find if you accept the fact that, by and large, you are where you are in life because of the choices you make, and the choices you make are influenced sub-consciously by what you want out of life, it's easier.

Obviously I appreciate life is unpredictable, you can lose your job, fall ill, suffer bereavement, but those are things that happen to everyone over their lifetime. The job you're in, the relationship you're in or not, where you live, how many children you have, etc. - these are all things you will have chosen, maybe not even consciously. The small decisions you make every day, move you along a certain path.

If you accept this, it's easier to be content.

I think loving and feeling loved are big. If you didn't feel loved as a child it is difficult to know how to recognise it as an adult.

I do get where you are coming from saying people don't think themselves content scottishmummy I have had depression, and no amount of positive spin as going to shift that. The contraceptive pill made me depressed, very straightforward chemical cause and effect. But mental illness aside I do believe I actively affect my feelings, and I do feel that, over years I have become less anxious ad more content. To suggest we can all become happy if we set our minds to it is dangerous and victim blames, but to say you can't actively improve you outlook is disempowering no? I used to spend energy worrying about my dad, but I decided to stop, that he could take responsibility for himself, now I don't worry and I don't nag him and I feel better. Tomorrow I'm going to feel shit because I can't sleep tonight, but I will force myself to go for a run and on Saturday I'll be OK I imagine. Before I would have got stressed, now I look at what I can do to make it better.

To quote Voltaire "dont let the perfect be the enemy of the good". And before anyone suggests that leads to mediocrity it was Watson-Watt, propounded a "cult of the imperfect", which he stated as "Give them the third best to go on with; the second best comes too late, the best never comes." He also developed the early warning radar in Britain to counter the rapid growth of the Luftwaffe, without it we might not be here.

As for depression - you can't think yourself out of it but some techniques may be able to minimise the risk of recurrence. They can be taught. One of them is mindfulness, which teaches you to focus on the good moments and not let your mind drift away from them.

Hi lisad - do you know where to find the scripture to be thankful for covering and food and the rest will follow ? - that sounds like my kind of peaceful inspiration

On the "daily gratitudes" thread many posters (of different faiths) often include thanks for food and water, shelter and safety .... or variations of these simple things.
However bad my day is (to my first world thinking) at least my daughter and I don't have to walk several miles to fetch some not very clean water for our family needs.

I like to support WaterAid too when I'm able to

I think that quote about not letting perfection be the enemy of the good is great too already, or more prosaically ...

"If a things worth doing it's worth doing badly" - family life springs to mind, especially during the summer holidays !

I am content now but I have done such a lot in my lifetime. I have had bereavements- a husband, my parents and I have had serious illness noo (breast cancer). I have known betrayal and divorce and rejection. But I have known such joy too. I have been very happily married for nearly 25 years. I have 2 wonderful children and 2 stepsons who I love as if they were my blood. I have amazing grandchildren. I have enough money to live comfortably and we own our little house.
I don't think contentment is for the young, they need to be reaching and striving to fulfil their potential, but if you are lucky you will reach late middle age or older and look back with a sense of achievement and be content with a job well done.

I've achieved contentment over the last couple of years (am 37). I used to have dreadful status anxiety and FOMO - I don't think getting over it was as simple as choosing to be content, but interaction of a number of things. Mellowing with age, working out what my personal goals were and achieving a fair few of them (esp 3 lovely children, a phd and a job I value as important and interesting), dealing with a difficult childhood with counselling, accepting that I'm not doomed to turn into my anxious and bitter mother, having come through some really difficult times and emerged - not unscathed, but Ok- on the other side... I think as a previous poster said, contentment is linked to self-esteem.

Still there are things I'd change if I could- tidier house, more spare cash for holidays etc- but I dont sweat this stuff any more because I know it's not high up my list of priorities at the moment. I've made different choices, and I'm happy with the choices I've made. Having said that, contentment has definitely not killed my ambition- have lots of ideas for family, job, learning in the future- but pursuing them without the feeling of desperation that I must achieve them in order to be a valid person, is much more enjoyable