To wonder what the bloody secret to contentment is?

[Tailtwister]

AIBU to wonder if contentment exists and if so, how do you damn well get it?

You meet some people who just seem so content with their lives in general and appear to be able to enjoy all the great things and not be overly bothered by the bad. They are often not those who have the most in a material sense, but seem to be so happy with what they do have IYSWIM. I would LOVE to be like that, but I'm just a discontent and dare I say it, jealous person. I hate being like that, but wonder if that's just me, the way I am.

So, all those who are content with their lot. What's the secret? Is it just a mind set which you either have or not?

Very interesting thread.

I really wish I felt truly content.

I had very difficult unsettled childhood lost lost people which I think made me feel insecure.

so chapter 1 first 21years of life was mixed.

Then I met the man I loved and got married 2004 had a lovley wedding.

Worked in retail management something never enjoyed just fell into.

at 25 had 1st child, did go back work fulltime but couldent make it work we have no family or support structure here so its all on me.

Hubby has good job quite well paid compared to average but we far from rich we struggle most months,..

havent been abroad since 2005 since before eldest was born and really miss holidays had a few in uk some ok some not great.

we always planned 3kids and have 3kids 2 girls and a boy.
I find im always worrying about one of them.

we dont own a house and feel crappy about that we want to move but feel a bit trapped stuck couple freinds moved recently and although we happy for them also eel a bit sad and wonder when our time will come.

at 33 im stilll not passed driving test and people seem to make me feel crappy as I cant drive and say poor me.

Things on nearby agenda is october hoping for payrise.
2015 loan ends so will have more cash and decided that year will be 1st family holiday abroad.

I given up on idea of owning seems that ship has sailed.

but would love slighty bigger house in new area closer to schools and the shops as walk 3miles a day on school run and house is new build so only has 1 rception and the mess and clutter and constant tidying gets me down.On rare occasion mum visits she always has a go at me about the house rarly says what i dont well always what I done badly.

I try to be postive with kids. other day we were fruit picking at nursery in sunshine and felt content.

last summer holidays i realised i felt so much happier.

I have tried to make some positive changes over past year to try help.

I read less mags
watch less tv.
moved eldest to diffret school so im less worries and parants in playground less competative , showy and nicer people.
taken myself off through fb groups where people dident seem nice and rowed lost.
Restructed some freinds notifications so dont have to see their perfect lives in my news feed-most of time fb is false carefully edited life..
Met a couple people recently who not so nice and rather that let them bother me tried to move on their problem.

recently got down as 2uni freinds done so much better both emigrated one fab career other has had fab career and huge mansion make me feel bit lack luster.

Eldest has few wealthy freinds who live huge houses, flash cars, loads holidays and whinges at me shes 7, dont think she realises makes me feel bad many are only children.

All 3 kids have clubs and try take them as many places as can afford or get to.They not hard done by as much as she acts that way.

I like a pootle around shops, charity shops, carboots.

I like the sound of chizz. dident have huge celebration yesterday end of term as was tired and skint but todays payday so some well earned bubbly tonight and having relaxing day today.

Im looking forward seeing family in wales sunday for bbq if it doesnt rain.

Mams just rung uniform in aldis so got dd1 some so saves me alittle but still have shoe shopping with all 3 kids at the mall push me over the edge.

Life seems harder some days constantly mealplanning, lookig for bargains , going round sainsburys with list and realising how little 20quid gets me,Saying no to kids a lot.

But I will try and find the good and not feel so rubbish as I forgone career to bring up kids and hope that few years we can move and financially things get better as recent years every year we have less.

Going to try have good summer and try and chill a bit.

feel cosntantly tired but we all in good health.

my mind feels heavy with worry most days things undone play on my mind so need to take libary books back.

I think it comes down to the corny: change what you can change, accept what you can't, and know the difference.

I am pretty content, because if something bothers me I change it. I come from a family where people get degrees at any stage of life (my mum about about 40, my dad at nearly 60) and embark on new careers... a family where people plan carefully then just do it if they want to change lifestyle... or where people are always taking up new hobbies or doing challenges (BIL and SIL just ran a half ironman, with young children). I have moved city for short-term work contracts that looked really exciting in the past and I am now self-employed.

I realise that these options are not real if you are very poor and having debts can be an inescapable trap. But I self-funded my first post-grad course through LOTS of crappy nmw work (more than one job at a time) so it's not like we're very priviledged. And in fact, goals can be more satisfying if you've worked like buggery to be able to afford them.

If you truly believe you can do what you set your mind to then it opens you up to really needing to think about what it is you want enough to work really hard for it. I think it's that thinking and knowing what you want that makes people content, not necessarily the getting of it.

Somebody upthread recommended a documentary called Status Anxiety - this is also a book by Alain de Botton which I would recommend and there's Oliver James's Affluenza which is worth reading too.

I am content. I think it's a mixture of being blessed in terms of relationships and material comforts, natural disposition and faith. But I'm not sure it's entirely a good thing - I think that people who change the world generally aren't content.

Ah, but is changing the world (or wanting to) a good thing...?

I think I would be more content if I had more time - i'm 36 and still not married or have children. If I had another 10 years in which to plan those things then I would be happier.
As it is, it's a constant worry at the back of my mind that I may never get those things.

Also I've been very ill and want to get back to my career path.

I'm trying to live in the moment but it's very hard.

Yes, I'm pretty content. I'm lucky in that we are very comfortably off, although funnily enough neither DH and i are very materialistic - we share a second hand car for instance. Life's just easier when you know you have enough money for a rainy day and university fees in the future.

It helps that there's nothing more I want in life, except possibly another DC, but that's very unlikely with our fertility issues. I have a lovely husband, two healthy and happy DCs, good relationship with our families, nice house in good area and decent jobs in careers we enjoy. DCs were born after many rounds of IVF so my dreams have already come true.

I'm happy in my own skin and accepting of what I am - I'd like to lose a little weight, but don't care that much. I've never been a worrier and honestly don't care what people think of me (although I do value the opinion of good friends and family).

For me it's about gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.

I have a lot of friends who live with chronic illness. I get back days, but if I'm feeling really sorry for myself, I think about what they're living with - the pain, the restrictions. And I get back to appreciating the small things.

It helps I had a brush with death, I now know just how incredible precious life is.

I'm quite content.

I think it's a combination of innate personality, upbringing, and choice. I'm just a fairly positive, happy person, and I never wanted much. Just a little house and a great husband and kids to love, friends who make me laugh until it hurts, lots of books to read, a dog, flowers in the garden. I have all those things and they're easy to get. :)

Also my parents (and me) are very solidly Midwest Americans. We don't do neuroses, we don't do wallowing or whining or complaining about your lot. You get yourself up and do something about it, or you shut up about it, end of. The area where I grew up was heavily settled by Finns and sisu was a term thrown around a lot.

And I just choose to be happy. I want to be. I "count my blessings" so to speak. My brother is a terribly negative person who is never happy, and over the years I think much of my personality formed as a foil to his, if that makes sense.

I'm very content but I wouldn't describe myself as laid back. I shout at the radio, I hate my management team, I worry about my bank balance and all of the usual stuff. In no way am I a blissed out hippy! I just think that the good stuff in my life is more important than the bad stuff. My mother and sister are constantly stressing about what folk think of them and how much they haven't got done but I think you just have to be at peace with that. Everyone makes mistakes and the important bit is to learn from them not constantly beat yourself up about your shortcomings.

Something I think is important is that I tell my DH that I love him and he tells me. We tell each other how lucky we are. Vocalising the positives in your life reinforces them. When you see something good in your life say it out loud. If you just talk/think about the bad stuff in your life you'll forget about all the good things.

I am content. I don't envy what other people have. My mum told me recently her cancer was terminal. Slapped me right on the arse so it did. Put my life in perspective. She is only in her 50s. And it is the saddest feeling I have ever felt, but I also feel lucky the time we have left will be full.

Don't cling to bad feelings, they only ever hurt you.

I wondered why, in my early forties with everything a person could ask for, I was discontented

I took myself off for hypnotherapy/psychotherapy to see if I could find out why.

It was a difficult couple of years of on off sessions but transformed my life

My marriage ended almost 4 years ago and all the effort I had put into my mental wellbeing paid off allowing me to come through pretty unscathed

Now I am fortunate to be attuned to the smallest things that give me great happiness mostly in nature.

I have material and spiritual wealth and most days thank my lucky stars that I am where I am.

I could focus on the fact I am single and have been since my divorce, I am quite fat and work FT in a job that MN would call crap. If my mind starts to go down there I remember all the good stuff

So sorry to hear that Global warming.

I often say to hubby and kids lifes just too short.

so try make best of what we have.

I recognise and realise when im stressed im more unhappy and shouty.

The finacial pressures recent years mean i lie in bed worrying.

Also another factor is the sibling one.

my younger sisters golden girl.

got better gcses, better a levels, travelled,found a wealthy man and on 2nd dgree to be a dentist so by time she qualifies she be minted and probably buy a very expensive house, have a lush wedding and already decided that sprogs wil be privatly educated shes quite snobby and required much greater financial support from parents more so that I did im very independent..

I dont regret moving away from small rural town at 1, going to uni.

but i regret doing the wrong degree, getting into wrong career.

My job i couldent balance kids with.

I looked into retraining as its 2nd degree its £9000 a year plus childcare and other costs so cant afford it.

I cant seem to find job that fits in around hubbys.

so i focus on kids, have few voluntary roles i know im doing a valuable job but feels like a thankless job and maybe this is all in my head but feel as if others look down on me especially working mums. High proportion affluent working mums here many have high earning hubbys, brought house back in day when houses cheap a chips, have family on hand for free childcare and work part time as teachers , term time stuff or self employed almost hobby like businesses its like the label of self employed gives them slightly higher status that just sahm.

As when you meet someone its where do you live, what do you do?

oh im sahm, who rents a shitty house and dont drive hardly seems impressive im ny head .

In my head i expected my 30s to be different some how thourght life would be getting easier i be comfortable, hubbys 40 so feels worse an still trying to owrk his way up career ladder.

I applied for lots temp xmas jobs and felt crap.
pre kids use to get loads of job offers,.
I feel like my stock has plumetted.
Lack of social life seeing freinds gets me down. quite a ew of my freinds still dont have kids.

maybe most of what i say is my hangups in my head and think people think that way about me.

I think facebook depresses me on daily basis but need it so family can see pics and its useful tool for finding out whats on and linking up with people.

will spend today tidying house , doing nursery run and try make list of fun thinks to do over the next week.

Contentment imo is being mindful of what one has,and able to compartmentalise the losses/disappointment
I didn't want to be wholly defined by upsets. I found diversion in study,work
I don't compare myself to anyone else.thats a game no one wins

I am content.
For whatever reason - probably upbringing based (my parents have been brilliant - always) I have always been a positive and optimistic type of person.

However, when my youngest was born, my red blood cells stopped working, and I was suddenly aware that I may not last to see my dc grow up. Having to think about writing 'letters for the future', and such things, sharply brings the goodness and richness of life into focus. And 4 years down the line, I am still ticking over with fully functioning blood! For that reason, everyday I am grateful, and content.

I have to talk myself into being contented. I often daydream and wish for things I havent got. As I have grown older I have realised that when I look at those who appear to be content or have everything, they often dont, everyone has issues and problems.
Last time I caught myself daydreaming I reminded myself how many other people would love my life, healthy kids, good job, nice car, nice house, brilliant husband. Who gives a crap about the stress and hassle work brings, hell of a lot more stress being unemployed and broke.

Three Tomatoes have now spent a morning watching all of your link. Thank you for that - incredibly revealing and interesting.

Health! Love of my children well ds2 has autism so I do not think he actually loves me which is hard to admit,. and enough money to buy frivolities occasionally.

I am content with certain things. I am unhappy at others. I would love to have a bigger house but im grateful that i have what i have. I live in a fairly affluent area and feel very lucky about this, esp for my children but its really hard not to feel that people judge you by what you have. Everyone around me seems to strive for big lovely bought houses. If they arent talking about it, they are dreaming about it. I always feel ashamed because im in my forties and always think that people will expect me to have bought our house, big car etc etc... Instead we live in a four in a block and rent. I am lucky that both me and my dh have a good job but i work in a very stressfull field and feel, to some extent, that i am caught between a rock and a hard place. I cant change my job because there isnt any positions in what i do coming up....or they are too far away and i cant give it up because we need the money. So i find it very hard to be content...

I am incredibly fearful of contentment. It's right up there with early death on my list. I'm worried that if I feel content I won't bother doing anything else ever again. That I'll just stay at home with the kids all day, move to the 'burbs and tend to the garden.

You really remind me of a good friend of mine. She's a lovely woman but always wants something she hasn't got and thinks everything can be solved by retail therapy or going out and getting bladdered. She quickly realises this isn't the case and sinks into a depression or an anxious/panicky state about all the money she's spent and how pissed off with nearly every part of her life she is. To the outsider she "has it all", loving husband, nice house, 2 smart cars, good job, 3 holidays a year but it never seems to be "enough". On a night out once I remarked that I was "easily pleased" and she said that she wished with all her heart that she was too and that she could be more laid back like me. I confessed that I used to be like her until one of my closest friends died of Motor Neurone Disease and it really shook me up and made me realise what was important and what wasn't...the main one being able to breathe in and out!

..just to clarify, by "you", I meant the OP. I haven't read the whole thread but there are some very interesting posts from both points of view.

The most contented people I know show gratitude for what they have and do not stubbornly resist things that they do not like - They accept them and then make positive steps to change them.
They are not competitive and they make the best of what they have.

Not having unrealistic expectations of others helps and accepting people as they are and letting go of people who are not good for them.

I am working on all of it because I fall a bit short on all that!