To wonder what the bloody secret to contentment is?

[Tailtwister]

AIBU to wonder if contentment exists and if so, how do you damn well get it?

You meet some people who just seem so content with their lives in general and appear to be able to enjoy all the great things and not be overly bothered by the bad. They are often not those who have the most in a material sense, but seem to be so happy with what they do have IYSWIM. I would LOVE to be like that, but I'm just a discontent and dare I say it, jealous person. I hate being like that, but wonder if that's just me, the way I am.

So, all those who are content with their lot. What's the secret? Is it just a mind set which you either have or not?

[IDismyname]

I used to write for a few interiors magazines, and go to photo shoots - the amount of jiggery-pokery that went on for the shots gave me an insight into just how warped the magazine industry is... and its only interiors!!

Mrs Gyllenhaal - we share a similar domestic situation, and I have improved my outlook by getting out and volunteering. It gets your feeling of self-worth back. Neither DH or DS ever praise me in what I achieve, but when I come home from spending a couple of hours in the village shop having restocked shelves, served people and generally caught up on the village gossip, I feel much better.

I used to volunteer for Homestart and did that for 4 years, but now I am applying for another volunteering job with the NSPCC and Childline as a voluntary school visitor.

Our status as women seem to be very much caught up with our jobs. I feel hugely embarassed to admit that I don't have a job; I have a degree, but don't currently use it.

Its that bit that makes me feel "not whole".

[cory]

Interesting discussion on this thread re depression and the measure of control we have.

I've had to think about this a lot as teen dd has both a chronic pain disorder and a strong (probably genetic) disposition to anxiety and depression. She has had long discussions with CAHMS about it and the advice she has been given basically boils down to:

a) There are some aspects of this that you cannot control, you will probably always have the same reactions and the same feelings in certain situations and the same tendency to veer between highs and lows. That much is part of what you are; it's how your body reacts.

b) The part you can control is what you do with those feelings and reactions. You can try to access help, you can use the techniques you have learnt to control your thoughts from spiralling into complete negativity, you can make sure you lead a healthy life and avoid triggers, you can even make an informed decision about medication. It won't cancel out a) but it will enable you to cope with a).

Dd seems to have taken this on board and sees the point of persevering with b) even though it was rough that she was handed a).

[debiliem58]

I believe for in order for us to feel content is to totally restructure the society we now live in ? it?s not going to happen though. A woman nowadays has way too many jobs and responsibilities, not enough time and not enough money - the reality is that each job a woman does - is, in itself a full time job !
Women are having to cope with doing at least 6 full time jobs. Looking after children ? a Nanny or au pair. Cooking and shopping - a chef or a cook. Housework ? a cleaner. Washing and ironing ? a laundry operator. Driving ? a chauffeur. Household bills and budget ? a bookkeeper. I think you get the picture even though I?m stating the obvious ? in a nutshell everybody is overworked and with so little time.
Gone are the days when an average family could live off one wage, the cost of living is too expensive and the wages are too low. We had no choice in the end to take on outside jobs not for luxuries but help toward paying bills.
We work in places that are understaffed our work loads are increased - the ceiling gets higher and higher and each time we meet the demands at a cost to our wellbeing, instead of saying sorry can?t do it and that stops the ceiling getting raised. We get half an hour for lunch ? go to the clocking off machine, up to the canteen, join the queue, get the food, go to the eating area, eat, back to your work station ? stressed.
Do we really have a work life balance ? no, are we tired ? yes. All in all this leads to discontentment. Family relationship and friendship are no longer the same. There a lot more lonely people and people aren?t as nice as they use to be. Examples of relationships are set for some people by watching the soaps ? putting people down and striving for one upmanship, publicly embarrassing people by cruel one liners.
Everything starts at the same time of day 9.00 am everybody converges on the roads at the same time which equals to traffic jams or hold ups ? how would things change if school open for 8.00am, office / factory workers 9.00am, supermarket and retail 10.00am, banks 11.00 pm and they stay open later ? so that we can do banking after work? Not joining long queues in understaffed banks for bankers to profit even more and us getting stressed out by missing lunch and the fear of being late back at the office.
How about extended families ? Mum and Dad retired at 50 they could afford too if they were given a decent salary and save for a pension. Then help with the child care, we carry on working and save on child care costs we could then employ a cleaner with the saving ? freeing up some time and help other people earn a bit of cash. Then we in turn we retire at 50 and take care of our children children. Hence the work load being more evenly distributed. Neighbours taking turns baby-sitting.
More people could set up reasonably priced laundries at every local shopping centre, have a laundrettes with attendants who willingly help with the laundry for payment.
We haven?t got time to cook we rely on commercially produced foods that have been ?jizzied? with colourants, preservatives and the rest, leaving our bodies and brains nutrient deprived leading to mental health problems like depression. More people could set up local kitchen businesses and deliver reasonably priced home cook meals around 4.00pm every day.
End kids pocket money get them to work for their money to save for their luxuries. They could earn extra cash cleaning cars and doing gardens, doing little shopping errands. Take dogs for walks.
Bring back community centres. Neighbour could volunteer their time and share their skills ? like music, photography and cooking. Purchase a home theatre have film nights for the neighbourhood.
We could all feel more content if we all had less work, more of a work life balance, loving and supportive relationships, co-operation, more money - just enough to pay for those little extra treats and a holiday in the sun during the depths of winter - January or February to top up our Vitamin D levels. Beginning at the clock change in October the family could gather round making creative items to sell on E-bay and the like to pay for this winter holiday.
I could go on but the bottom line is ? in order for the majority of us to feel content life needs to be totally restructured.

[daisychain01]

Tailtwister apologies if I am x-posting as its a long, interesting thread. The reasonably suscinct answer is there is no single answer.

The longer answer.... getting older and wiser has helped me understand a few 'tru-isms' that seem to be universally true i.e. can be generalised by and large - agreed, of course there are unique differences:

1. Contentment is a transitory, temporary and constantly shifting state. As humans, we evolve and change throughout our life, likewise contentment is not totally static. People can have periods of feeling settled, content - environmental factors (event, circumstances) can cause a disruption in that period of contentment. Unique differences may be bound by medical circumstances, for example, someone having depression, or being in difficult life circumstances, which make it more difficult for them to enjoy periods of contentment. The loss of a loved one is something everyone faces (bar none!). Those things punctuate all our lives. Also, our expectations may change, things we used to be content with, may change. It is important to see the big picture, not just the snapshots.
   

1. Contentment is often a perception. For example, you gave a good example of how you meet people who appear to be happy with their lot, they always seem content. Remember point (1) above, about the transitory nature of contentment and that we see people as a snapshot in time. They may seem content, they may be content, but they will undoubtedly have challenges. Perhaps the fact is, some people can cope with challenges in a way to rise above the crap that gets thrown at them - and without fail, each and every person on this earth will have crap thrown at them, at one time or another. No-one is immune from tragedy, unhappiness, bad things going wrong.
   

1. Life has taught me to live in the "here and now", enjoy the moment. Whilst it is easier said than done, appreciating what we have, valuing the people in our lives, while they are in our lives, is an absolutely key contributory factor to being content. Two of the expressions I live by is "be careful what you wish for" and "you don't know what you've got til it's gone".
   

Sometimes the 'things', the stuff we chase after in life, don't always bring contentment the way we expect them to. "Stuff" can cloud our vision, prevent us focussing on things of beautiful in life - and they can conversely make us less content, how ironic is that!

The most personal example I can give is losing my DH - he was my everything and with his loss, I learned that pretty much everything in life is temporary, save the people we love, the memories we cherish and everything else is just stuff. That is only a personal view, because I recognise it does not take away from the fact we all have daily struggles in life, to make ends meet, to do right by their children, those things don't go away. But, all I mean is, perhaps there can be a temptation with so many distractions and "must-haves" of today's world it can mean we lose sight of the small things that can bring us contentment. Stop and smell the roses.

To end with, TailTwister remember you are personally special and unique - build on that, and the contribution you can make just simply by being you, that is one way to be content. xx

[Badvoc]

Yes.
It is exhausting.
I wish I knew the answer mrsdv :(

[Tailtwister]

Wow, this thread has moved on, thanks so much to everyone for posting. I'm going to use the current lull (children munching gingerbread men!) to have a read through. I've had a quick scan and I'm amazed at the time people have taken to reply in such detail.

Oh dear, it seems the remaining biscuit is being fought over. I'll be back...

[Badvoc]

I haven't, no.
I have used a book called "thrive" tom try and cure my emetophobia and it did help a lot.
I can't afford anything expensive like therapy etc.
Meditation sounds interesting...

[PollyIndia]

I would say I am pretty content. I am a single mum to a 9 month old and it was totally unplanned but unexpectedly, it's made me happier than I have ever been. I am living in the present for the first time ever I think and I think that is key. For today, everything is great. Sure I get lonely sometimes and I worry about money and work in the future and how I will manage being 2 parents for him but I try not to think about stuff too much. I own my own home and right now can pay the mortgage working 3 days a week, plus I work from home so I have a decent quality of life. Plus working means I can exercise as I have childcare so that is great for the psyche.
Someone also said you need to have a challenge and something to look forward to to be happy and I would agree with that but for me it is more living in the present and appreciating what you have I think. I feel lucky to have my baby.

[Badvoc]

Yes.
So much going on, not in a good place ATM.
I wonder if I will ever be ready...

[Badvoc]

Gah.
Nothing compared to what you have been through mrsdv.
Need to get a flicking grip tbh.
Am on HRT now so that may help.
Is it normal to almost burst into tears when your ds tries on his first school shoes? :)
Sorry for thread hijack op!

[ZingWidge]

here to learn

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I think I might cry when DS gets kitted up for secondary this summer Badvoc, never mind first school shoes
Great thread all x

[Goooooooooooooooooooooood]

*juggling]
I used to cry when I took my four kids to get their school shoes but not in a good way.

I had to buy indoor smart shoes, outdoor smart shoes, indoor trainers and outdoor trainers for FOUR kids....all at once.
We lived overseas but I used to buy all their shoes at Clarks as they all have extremely wide feet and I couldn't find shoes to fit them in the country where we lived. The shop assistant probably wanted to cry too . I did get a special 20% bulk purchase discount though.

[jollydiane]

Goodness there are some detailed answers on this thread.

If more people cuddled a teddy at night the world would be a happier, safer place.

[Badvoc]

Ha! :)
Poor dh...he went very pale when the cashier told him how much it all came to...2 pairs of school shoes, 2 pairs of trainers, 1 pair of plimsoles and a pair of football boots....you can imagine!

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Yes, there is that as well !

[alreadytaken]

Mindfulness exercises www.the-guided-meditation-site.com/mindfulness-exercises.html or get the book by the experts www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1374912979&sr=8-1&keywords=mindfulness&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21