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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re family visitors in hospital after ELCS? (PND related)

102 replies

wonderingifiam2013 · 23/07/2013 12:55

I had an EMCS with my first, following 3 days of no sleep and an unsuccessful labour. I had baby in the morning and by lunchtime I had 8 (well-meaning!) family members surrounding my bed with balloons/presents/cameras etc all passing baby around. I don't really remember this as I was so out of it but, and although I understand their excitement, I really don't want it to be like that this time.

Both baby and I were ill and had to stay in over a week and I ended up with undiagnosed PND and am trying my best to avoid it this time.

So ... I don't really want any visitors on day 1 except DC1 - who will be brought in by my parents. I then understand that my inlaws will want to see the baby on that day too as it's only 'fair' and they will expect it.

I understand this and will request they come to the later visiting session.

I would rather both mine and DH's siblings come the following day.

Does this sound precious or am I being reasonable?

I will politely ask friends to visit when we return home.

I just felt so smothered last time, one midwife ended up asking them to leave as I shouldn't have had so many (if any) visitors so soon after the surgery, and due to my stay in hospital and countless visitors/frequent injections for baby and I, I felt I never got any rest or to actually enjoy my baby as more than a feeding/changing machine.

Or am I overeating and the ELCS experience will be a lot different?

OP posts:
ArtexMonkey · 23/07/2013 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TarkaTheOtter · 23/07/2013 13:01

Not only are YNBU but if you really only want minimal guests on the first day then ask inlaws to wait til the next day. If they are reasonable people they will understand.

BadgersNadgers · 23/07/2013 13:02

Not at all precious. Although planned sections are generally easier than emergency ones you will still be knackered, catheterised and immobile until the next day. Oh and you might want to spend some time with your new baby without a roomful of people. Tell them you don't want to see them and tell the midwives too - they're generally pretty good at getting the message across to unwanted visitors!

JedwardScissorhands · 23/07/2013 13:04

Reasonable. I'd say you have no obligation to be visited by IL's either. The midwife last time was probably concerned about the impact on other patients; I know I had to have a quiet word about the noise caused by other ladies' visitors, and that they were bulging through my curtains and using the patient toilet. Most hospitsls have a limit on the number of visitors.

Lambzig · 23/07/2013 13:04

Totally reasonable. When I had DC2 by ELCS, my lovely parents who were looking after DD, drove her to the hospital, texted DH to say they were downstairs and he fetched her to visit me, they then took themselves off for a coffee while they waited and then drove her back sending love via DH. They totally respected my wishes for no visitors except DH and DD in the hospital. I would have hated it, they understood and waited until I came home.

Please stick to your guns and I would perhaps get DC1 to wait until day 2 when you are a bit more together. You don't say your DC's age, but DD was nearly 3 and she found the whole 'mummy in hospital' thing a bit distressing. She didn't visit until day 3, but was upset that I couldn't pick her up and that I couldn't move easily. 8 months later she still asks when I go out "are you going to hospital mummy?" with a scared voice from time to time. In hindsight I think it would have been better to wait until I got home.

Good luck and what you want doesn't sound the least bit precious, far more than I would allow.

Fairylea · 23/07/2013 13:08

Totally reasonable and actually I'd say you were still being reasonable if you said you only wanted your dh and dc there on the first day - that's what I did with dc number 2 who was an elcs due to previous birth trauma. My mum, mil and fil had to wait till the next day to visit. I just didn't want anyone visiting me that first day at all.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 23/07/2013 13:10

Yanbu! I completely understand the pressure as I am feeling it myself already and my baby isn't due until october. I have made the decision that this is one instance where I don't give a shiny shite if family etc feel I am being unreasonable. It is much much more important that I give myself the time and space to bond with my new baby than worry about people pleasing. I'm well aware that I am at risk of pnd, and so am taking a much harder stance than I probably would otherwise. My priority is my mental stability, and if that upsets others, tough titty. If I become unwell, I wont be able to give my baby what she needs. If people don't visit for a few days, she isn't going to suffer in any way.

I don't know if you have a partner but I have made sure that dh understands exactly where I'm coming from and we have agreed together the plan of action. This means that I know even if I'm not in the position to stand up for myself, he knows the plan and can make sure no one takes advantage of my vulnerability.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 23/07/2013 13:11

Not unreasonable at all. I say this as the person in the next bed to a woman and her entire extended family. I was royally pissed off that so many people were allowed to be gathered around one bed.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 23/07/2013 13:12

Mind you I got to arrive home to 12 people sat in my living room, which I was equally pissed off about especially as one of them had a cold.

myroomisatip · 23/07/2013 13:25

You are definitely NBU.

Also please bear in mind the impact this will have on your first child. Unfortunately I also had lots of visitors and did not have a chance to introduce my son to his sibling. Their relationship went downhill from the first and never recovered :(

Original poster
wonderingifiam2013 · 23/07/2013 13:28

thanks for all your kind words - good to know I'm not being unreasonable!

Although I really couldn't ask my parents to stay outside whilst DC1 visits - for me that would be a little too mean and in all honesty I don't mind them visiting on day 1. I'd rather my inlaws wait until day 2 but understand that they are my DH's parents, therefore he will probably want them to see the new baby as much as I want my parents to see it. Although lovely, they are a little competitive towards my parents so I'm doubting the split visits will go down too well ... but I can always blame it on the midwives Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderingifiam2013 · 23/07/2013 13:31

sorry to hear that myroomisatip - I will make sure DC1 comes in first without my parents for a family introduction and hope that helps :)

OP posts:
Cravey · 23/07/2013 13:33

Yet another thread in which in laws seem to be shoved aside when a baby is born. It's your husbands baby too. You know that don't you ? So why deny his parents.

kinkyfuckery · 23/07/2013 13:33

YANBU. I think your DC and both sets of parents is plenty until you decide you are up to more visitors.

I had the opposite problem, days in hospital with no bugger wanting to see me lol

TarkaTheOtter · 23/07/2013 13:36

Cravey it's nothing to do with them being inlaws. It's that she doesn't really want any visitors but her parents will be bringing in her dc.
And it's not quite the same for her dp is it, because he hasn't just had major surgery.

Original poster
wonderingifiam2013 · 23/07/2013 13:39

Cravey - please re-read my posts. More than happy for them to visit on day 1. Probably a little concerned as they turned up when I was in labour last time and I didn't appreciate that.

This is not about tit-for-tat with my parents/Dh's - it's about trying to avoid the crippling PND I had last time which made me feel like I wanted to crawl under a rock and not see anyone ... ever.

Also - I would like to bond with my baby this time instead of seeing it as a thing that had ruined my life. I would like to point out that I happily now couldn't love my child any more!

This is far from an in-law bashing thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderingifiam2013 · 23/07/2013 13:39

Thank you TarkaTheOtter :) that's exactly it!

OP posts:
Cravey · 23/07/2013 13:40

Doesn't matter it's her husbands baby too. She should let them in. I wonder what the response would be if her husband said oh no I don't want your mum and dad there.

PrettyKitty1986 · 23/07/2013 13:40

Completely reasonable.

With ds1, the situation was much the same. I had 8 failed inductions, a 16 hour labour, ventouse delivery and then haemorrhage and blood transfusions. Ds1 had secondary moulding (a flat head basically) which was very scary to look at and I was worried, knackered and ill.

Less than 24 hours later (and about 5 minutes after my final transfusion), 9 people were crowding round my bed, passing my tiny newborn like a parcel and (in my mind) firing question after question at me.

I completely broke down, had a major panic attack in front of everyone (my first ever) and caused Doctors and Consultants to be paged and come running from every angle because they thought I was having some reaction from the transfusion.

It was the most horrendous experience of my life. With ds2, we politely told everyone to fuck off and I would never again have ANY visitors except df and dc to a maternity ward.

Original poster
wonderingifiam2013 · 23/07/2013 13:41

Cravey - seeing that my DH nearly lost his wife and child last time, he's pretty happy to go with whatever.

OP posts:
Cravey · 23/07/2013 13:41

And I did read the posts you were talking further down about them not coming till the day after and using the midwives as an excuse. I'm not saying you ate wrong by the way. Just a tad unfair maybe.

Cravey · 23/07/2013 13:42

Also re husband nearly losing you and baby last time. I'm not a mind reader. Maybe if you had mentioned that before then my view might have been different.

Meglet · 23/07/2013 13:43

Yanbu. I had a similar experience so I told people to stay away for a couple of weeks when DC2 arrived. Although it was partly to keep my then P's family at a distance as they had been a nightmare after DC1, long visits, commenting on what a bad mum I was, saying I should bottle feed etc Sad.

Keep everyone away for a while and stay in your pj's. It's their problem if they don't like it.

AuntyPippaAndUncleHarry · 23/07/2013 13:43

Sorry haven't read whole thread as in a hurry but YANBU. I have always been of the view that unless you have your own room visitors in hospital are an imposition not just on you but whole ward. Fingers crossed you'll be home quickly and there's no actual need for anyone other than DP and DC1 to visit you in hospital. If anyone plays up just cite hospital rules on swine flu/noro virus/some other horrible thing which means no visitors allowed.

Meglet · 23/07/2013 13:45

Just to add, I felt like an animal in a zoo, being watched after DC1. And I have never forgotten it.