re family visitors in hospital after ELCS? (PND related)

[wonderingifiam2013]

I had an EMCS with my first, following 3 days of no sleep and an unsuccessful labour. I had baby in the morning and by lunchtime I had 8 (well-meaning!) family members surrounding my bed with balloons/presents/cameras etc all passing baby around. I don't really remember this as I was so out of it but, and although I understand their excitement, I really don't want it to be like that this time.

Both baby and I were ill and had to stay in over a week and I ended up with undiagnosed PND and am trying my best to avoid it this time.

So ... I don't really want any visitors on day 1 except DC1 - who will be brought in by my parents. I then understand that my inlaws will want to see the baby on that day too as it's only 'fair' and they will expect it.

I understand this and will request they come to the later visiting session.

I would rather both mine and DH's siblings come the following day.

Does this sound precious or am I being reasonable?

I will politely ask friends to visit when we return home.

I just felt so smothered last time, one midwife ended up asking them to leave as I shouldn't have had so many (if any) visitors so soon after the surgery, and due to my stay in hospital and countless visitors/frequent injections for baby and I, I felt I never got any rest or to actually enjoy my baby as more than a feeding/changing machine.

Or am I overeating and the ELCS experience will be a lot different?

apart from dh and ds I had no visitors for 5 days in hospital as i needed to recover.

Cravey - really? The op has made it clear she would rather her parents didn't come either but they will be bringing her dc1. She has shown absolutely no favouritism in this situation. In fact she is actually doing things she isn't comfortable to make sure they don't feel left out at all. Give her a break!!

cravey she his letting them visit just later in the day!

And can I say as the mother if four boys that if any future dils would rather I waited food a few days before seeing a grandchild then in would completely respect that. Having been through childbirth five tines myself I totally understand you many not be up to visitors etc and that will be fine by me, I would do whatever makes my dil feel most comfortable as she is the one who will have just given birth!

More and more I feel incredibly lucky that visitors simply weren't allowed on the wards when I had my son. Nobody felt hard done by, nobody was made to choose between parents and in-laws and everybody had to wait till we were at least ready to come home. OP - I hope you manage to keep everyone at bay until you are ready!

It's totally different having your own parents visit versus in-laws, when you've just had major surgery! No way would I want my FIL in particular to see me at that point, I would feel so vulnerable. I don't care what state my parents see me in (and I know they would be as concerned / visiting me as concerned about visiting new baby).

Also said as a mum of 2, about to be 3 boys. I wouldn't expect to visit DIL straight after major surgery. I would however, expect to visit a son / daughter quickly after major surgery (as adults). If that makes sense.

cravey you have misread, the inlaws can come the same day as the ops parents but at the later visiting session. It is the aunt/uncles who she wants to wait till the next day.

Double check on the hospital visiting rules - my hospital only allowed two visitors at the bedside at a time, there is no way they would have turned a blind eye to 8 randoms descending.

Spreading visits across visiting sessions seems very sensible to me.

No I didn't misread she stated in a later post about them coming the day after. Op was about the same day. Once again I offered up my thinking. Op has to do what suits her and her children at the end of the day. I wouldn't do it but then that's just me. I don't mind my mil she's pretty good so maybe I'm lucky.

Cravey - but your point is invalid as the op has not favoured her own parents. Tbh I agree with miss marple. All you are succeeding in doing is making a woman feel crap for the choices she is making to avoid pnd, something she knows personally nearly broke her and her family. Surely that should be the priority.

No she said split visits, later in the same day, tho she thinks that is unlikely to go down well.

As I said I have four boys and I would never expect to visit on day one, my priority will be to do what makes my dil most comfortable as she is the one who will have given birth!

OP you are being very very reasonable. Sounds like a good plan.

And I'm sick of all these threads about how MILs should get exactly equal treatment. My MIL came to see her grandson, my mother came to see me, to help look after me. My parents just had a child of theirs go through a very difficult physical and emotional ordeal, they wanted to see me. It is not the same, and all the crap about 'well it's your husband's baby too' is just that, crap. He didn't give birth. It is different.

Oh and it reads as if she is favouring her own parents. Maybe she should change the wording. Not really op don't do that. As I have said several times. No right or wrong way. It's your choice. As long as you and your husband are happy which as you stated he is, then it's all good.

Reread it Cravey. She said she'd prefer them to come the next day but understands her DH would want them the first day so they will see the baby on the same day as her parents, just not at he same time.

If you're going to jump in with both feet it's better to take a minute to make sure you actually comprehend.

No 5 mad things in the later post she was saying she could have used the midwife as a reason to push the visit back. I'm not stupid ad I can actually read.

YANBU

First EMCS I had DH, MIL, my mum, my dad, my brother, DH's cousin and a friend of his mum all in the room before I had even been transferred to the post-natal ward. Had I not been so out of it I would have been more vocal about people leaving.

The following day DH, my mum, MIL, DH's sister's, my dsd, and a gaggle of nieces visited. It was overwhelming. I was in lots of pain, still on a catheter for some of it, hadn't showered and trying to come to terms with the birth.

On the plus side there were lots of people to pick dd1 up for me and they brought food (the hospital food was awful).

After my second EMCS I was in the HDU and DH's dad, my mum, my brother and SIL all popped in briefly. Only my brother stayed for a bit which was good as he made sure I got something to drink. Only DH, my mum and dd1 came the next day. It was much better as I got lots of sleep.

Put your foot down, the time after the birth is for you to recover, form a good bond with the baby and get breastfeeding established. You are not an exhibit on display.

Ffs. Yes yes yes I read it again and again. Still stand by what I said. She prefers them to come the day after and could use the midwives view as a reason. Or later in the day. It's all the bloody same.

She's talking about not having the ILs there at the same time as her children and parents. Not on a different day.

'I'd rather my inlaws wait until day 2 but understand that they are my DH's parents, therefore he will probably want them to see the new baby as much as I want my parents to see it.'

YANBU.

When I had DD there were no visitors other than birth partners at my hospital due to a norovirus out break and although I found it a little hard not seeing people it was actually really lovely to just have those few days to relax.

This time around I'm not sure how to make it clear to people without offending that we only want minimal visitors (prob just grandparents) while in the hospital.

No she said they can come on the same day but later on, using the midwife as the excuse if need be.

So perfectly reasonable, more than reasonable in fact.

Pots & kettles Cravey

Loads of threads I read & roll my eyes, sometime I post most times I close it unless it's a real doosey.

Threads like this where a poster has clearly had a shite time and feeling a bit vulnerable I tend to tread a little more carefully.

No one is saying you are not entitled to an opinion but there are ways of saying it and the way you waded in, misreading the OP's words and having a go is uncalled for.

Personally I think her parents DO have precedent as they are looking after the DC1, had it been the IL's then it might have been them. Whatever they decide is up to the proud parents!

ANYHOO not wishing to derail the thread anymore....good luck wondering I hope all goes a lot better this time!