re family visitors in hospital after ELCS? (PND related)

[wonderingifiam2013]

I had an EMCS with my first, following 3 days of no sleep and an unsuccessful labour. I had baby in the morning and by lunchtime I had 8 (well-meaning!) family members surrounding my bed with balloons/presents/cameras etc all passing baby around. I don't really remember this as I was so out of it but, and although I understand their excitement, I really don't want it to be like that this time.

Both baby and I were ill and had to stay in over a week and I ended up with undiagnosed PND and am trying my best to avoid it this time.

So ... I don't really want any visitors on day 1 except DC1 - who will be brought in by my parents. I then understand that my inlaws will want to see the baby on that day too as it's only 'fair' and they will expect it.

I understand this and will request they come to the later visiting session.

I would rather both mine and DH's siblings come the following day.

Does this sound precious or am I being reasonable?

I will politely ask friends to visit when we return home.

I just felt so smothered last time, one midwife ended up asking them to leave as I shouldn't have had so many (if any) visitors so soon after the surgery, and due to my stay in hospital and countless visitors/frequent injections for baby and I, I felt I never got any rest or to actually enjoy my baby as more than a feeding/changing machine.

Or am I overeating and the ELCS experience will be a lot different?

I felt the same as you with DC1 (EMCS) and sounds like I had a pretty similar experience - DD was born on Christmas day and my family I think saw it as an extension of their Christmas celebrations so they all came in and wanted to drink champagne round the bed etc. Even my 80+ year old grandpa was wheeled in. Horrific!

With DC2 (ELCS) I felt great so had DD in about 3pm same day for a visit (section was in the morning) - DH went to pick her up and all was good. I then had various friends and family in over the next couple of days and enjoyed the support and chance to show off my gorgeous DS - although I did carefully manage the visits.

With DC3 it was another ELCS (2pm) but there were complications (with her) and I reacted badly to the drugs (vomiting) - and then the rest of the day I was v anxious. I couldn't bear for DH to leave me and actually didn't want DCs 1 and 2 to come in but they sort of had to as were old enough to understand they had a sister and it would have been scary if they couldn't come - they were also accompanied by SIL who was looking after them. I felt awful and wanted them all out as soon as they arrived. The rest of the hospital visit was similarly difficult and I didn't want any visitors really but DCs and SIL came every day which was difficult (one day they rocked up straight after school and DD had just been admitted to SCBU where I was attempting to BF her - so they had no warning of what to expect and it was quite traumatising for them). Therefore I would try and plan as little as possible and see how you feel when the time comes - but yes you are sensible to set boundaries in advance.

Hi Wondering

I'm going off topic for a minute because I wanted to tell you something.

I read this, that you wrote above:

*This is not about tit-for-tat with my parents/Dh's - it's about trying to avoid the crippling PND I had last time which made me feel like I wanted to crawl under a rock and not see anyone ... ever.

Also - I would like to bond with my baby this time instead of seeing it as a thing that had ruined my life. I would like to point out that I happily now couldn't love my child any more!*

The thing about crawling under a rock and not seeing anybody, and that the baby ruined your life - I just wanted to say that I felt exactly like this after my first baby, and I had a traumatic birth too. For my second, I had a planned CS, and it all went wonderfully. I didn't have any trace of PND, I fell in love with DD2 as soon as I saw her, and the whole first few months were so different second time around. Hopefully this will happen for you too. And now I love both DDs very very much!

Woah! I only went out for lunch and look at this!

Thanks to all those sticking up for me - I am feeling vulnerable, but am determined to feel happier about the situation this time and give myself a break (for once!)

To clarify - yes my inlaws will be visiting on the same day as my parents, and my parents earlier as they will be looking after DC1 (as my inlaws did for their daughter)

Also - pointed out early, my parents will be coming to see ME firstly and the new baby second. They will of course love the new baby with all their hearts but I'm still their PFB and their first concern lies with me, then meeting the new little lady/man in all our lives

Thank you Primrose 123! You don't know how much reading your experience means to me. I still hate myself for some of the most awful thoughts I had about DC1 :( but am learning to accept I was ill

Cravey - I'm not sure why I'm a drama queen, pnd is incredibly serious and should be treated as such!

At the end of the day the op doesn't deserve to be told she is favouring her parents when she is doing nothing of the sort.

Op you are being more than reasonable, good luck with your new baby, you deserve to be really happy and well this time around.

Sigh. Op I'm sure knows that I think only she can sort this. It's her feelings that matter first and foremost. As I said. And yes I know pnd is serious I struggled with it after my first born. I merely said IMO pil should be treated the same a s parents. However it's up to the op to decide what's best. Just to clarify op I didn't say anywhere that you were favouring one set of parents. Merely stated this was another thread where the pil appear to be pushed out somewhat. And just to clarify op that wasn't aimed at you. More at the responses you received on the thread.

I think you're being more than fair (speaking as a GP).

I think you should stick a time limit on the visits too.

OP you really are being very reasonable.

I think it's a lovely idea for dc1 to come in first and meet the new baby but after about 20 seconds 10 minutes you will be glad of having some help to entertain them! My Mum brought stories and a quiet toy for ds1 when I had ds2. You might want to be prepared for your dh or dad to go for a walk with dc1.

I don't know if it helps but I had awful PND after ds2 and was considered v high risk when I got pg again but had a totally different experience with ds3.

Cravey - sigh. Unfortunately your posts have repeatedly commented on the op's choice, not the comments received:

"No I didn't misread she stated in a later post about them coming the day after. Op was about the same day."

"Oh and it reads as if she is favouring her own parents. Maybe she should change the wording."

So, sigh, you are still being out of order, no matter how much you backtrack. Sigh.

Maybe the OP should have her parents and ILs both looking after her DC. And the hospital could specially widen the doorway so all of them can enter the room at the same moment.

Maybe your parents should have spent a tad more on your education and allowed you to express yourself in a nicer way

Wow.....just ....wow.... you know nothing of my background but I can assure you I can hold my own in any verbal battle with or without swearing, HOWEVER being the better person I will REALLY leave this thread now to the OP who is the one needing the attention.

wondering
I too have had PND & those awful thoughts are just that ...thoughts at a very stressful and hormonal time. Don't let guilt get to you. You have obviously been very sensible in making plans to try and avoid the situation that triggered it before & I sincerely hope you are Ok this time.

However IF for different reasons you DO have some similar symptoms just get on to your GP as soon as possible. I struggled on with DD1 but with DD2 just thought "oops this feels familiar" got the AD's & was back on track much more quickly.

All the very best to you x

Cravey in building a relationship with the child as they grow yes they should be equal, except in the first week or two when the mother has crashing hormones, is bleeding and may have bf issues.

And fwiw I only have a DS, so am prepared to be patient about this with any future DiL should they have children.

OP, YANBU as you are willing to have your parents in law visit on the first day for the sake of family relations.

The hospital I will be having PFB at has very short visiting hours for anyone other than partner, who can stay all day and overnight. The hours for 2 additional visitors are 2pm to 3.30pm and 7pm to 8pm. That's it! Part of me is quite pleased really as I won't have to stress about lots of visitors wading in and staying too long - they will have to be micromanaged, like it or not! Visits will be limited to my Mum and Step-Dad in one session and MIL and BIL in the other session (BIL only because he will have to drive MIL.) Sadly both mine and my DH's Fathers have passed away

They also don't allow visitors until the following day when there has been a C Section.

Oh come on cravey, you got the wrong end of the stick and went off on one at the OP for no reason. Then when that was explained you blame her for being unclear (despite the fact everyone else managed to work out what she was saying). If you don't want to apologise, fine, just leave it alone.

wonderingifiam2013

I ended up with a section for DC2 (having had one for DC1 also) in the evening and was no way up to visitors the following day as I still had the catheter in. The in-laws were looking after DC1 and what they did was bring him to the hospital and DH took the baby out of the room for ten minutes or so to show them. Then they left. I think my parents saw me and the baby the following day, and my brother had to wait until we got home.

You went from this:

"Yet another thread in which in laws seem to be shoved aside when a baby is born. It's your husbands baby too. You know that don't you ? So why deny his parents."

... to stating that it wasnt aimed at the op... But that isnt backtracking... Sorry I must have got it wrong... and I'm also being accused of changing your wording with direct quotes... how very strange!

Sorry that was to cravey not the op!!

I think the OP's being very reasonable and trying to include everyone while looking after herself.

cravey I know the meaning of irony and what you said doesn't qualify as irony. I wouldn't normally say anything but for the fact you were questioning someone else's level of education.

Ok piano whatever. I did indeed question her level of education. Given her rudeness and vile language one would imagine she went to a lovely local authority school. Oh no wait. That's ok isn't it to swear at people ???

Go ahead do,l. Report all you like. I'm not the one swearing etc. also you might need to calm down a tad, it can't be good for your blood pressure.