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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

re family visitors in hospital after ELCS? (PND related)

102 replies

wonderingifiam2013 · 23/07/2013 12:55

I had an EMCS with my first, following 3 days of no sleep and an unsuccessful labour. I had baby in the morning and by lunchtime I had 8 (well-meaning!) family members surrounding my bed with balloons/presents/cameras etc all passing baby around. I don't really remember this as I was so out of it but, and although I understand their excitement, I really don't want it to be like that this time.

Both baby and I were ill and had to stay in over a week and I ended up with undiagnosed PND and am trying my best to avoid it this time.

So ... I don't really want any visitors on day 1 except DC1 - who will be brought in by my parents. I then understand that my inlaws will want to see the baby on that day too as it's only 'fair' and they will expect it.

I understand this and will request they come to the later visiting session.

I would rather both mine and DH's siblings come the following day.

Does this sound precious or am I being reasonable?

I will politely ask friends to visit when we return home.

I just felt so smothered last time, one midwife ended up asking them to leave as I shouldn't have had so many (if any) visitors so soon after the surgery, and due to my stay in hospital and countless visitors/frequent injections for baby and I, I felt I never got any rest or to actually enjoy my baby as more than a feeding/changing machine.

Or am I overeating and the ELCS experience will be a lot different?

OP posts:

HeffalumpTheFlump · 23/07/2013 16:45

Swearing is 100% allowed on mn.. Just saying.

Cravey · 23/07/2013 16:45

Also purr purr. Irony. Check it out. I'm not the one being insulting , swearing and implying threats of violence. Hilarious.

Cravey · 23/07/2013 16:46

So glad it is allowed. Doesn't make it nice. Or polite. Or well educated.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 23/07/2013 16:48

I would say your post to me about me being tedious and telling me to go and nag my partner is quite rude and insulting... So I don't feel you have a leg to stand on there, sorry!

Flatasawitchestit · 23/07/2013 16:50

YANBU.

With this baby, I said no visitors for a day or two as I wanted my children to be the first and only ones to meet baby and as it was a total shock she can early and we didnt even announce it anyone until OH had been in and got the kids to school and they'd been told. I HATE the fact some people think its their god forsaken right to be in and forget its time you don't ever get back. Don't even get me started on the Facebook thing.

Also get the midwives on side, I work as one and I'm never fussed at telling visitors that Ms X can't have visitors today if that's what mum has requested.

Inertia · 23/07/2013 16:55

Despite the best efforts of certain people to play the "poor hard-done-to inlaws" card, you are being more than reasonable.

A visit from your DH/ DC1 along with your parents, followed by a visit from your PIL at the later session sounds completely fair.

It pisses me off when people carp on about ILs being "denied". I fully support the rights of the patient in hospital -who, let's not forget, is recovering from major surgery as well as caring for a newborn- to decide who visits when.

When DH is in hospital recovering from major abdominal surgery he'll get to pick his visitors too.

Mabelface · 23/07/2013 16:59

Anyone who has just gone through major abdominal surgery has the right to call the shots on who comes to visit them in the early days. Say no visitors on day one, you need that time to come round and not be so off your face on meds. I'd even wait till the next day for your first child to come in to visit. Your body, your baby, your call.

Cravey · 23/07/2013 17:00

Heffalump.it wasnt rude sweetie it would appear it was the truth.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 23/07/2013 17:05

Cravey - you are the only one to think my contribution is tedious sweetie. Whereas funnily enough I'm not the only one to think you are bang out of order...

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 23/07/2013 17:14

OP, I think you're doing your best to manage what could be a tricky situation. It sounds like you've thought through all options, which will make you feel in control. As PPs have said, your feelings and avoiding PND are the main focus here. Do what you want to do - and not what you feel you should do.

Good luck with everything and ignore those attempting to derail your thread!

Mabelface · 23/07/2013 17:19

It would be good if the mners having a disagreement take it away from the OP's thread, as I think she may have enough to deal with.

TheCrackFox · 23/07/2013 17:36

I had this with DS1 - it seemed like hundreds of my friends came to visit me in hospital (didn't see them for dust when I came home) and I think this was one of the several reasons I developed PND. I felt like an exhibit in a zoo.

With DS2 I had no visitors apart from DH and DS1 - so much more civilised.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 23/07/2013 17:39

Fair point madlizzy, I'm done anyway. Just didn't like seeing the op harshly criticised for something she didn't do. Again, all my best wishes op :)

Mabelface · 23/07/2013 17:45

Good on you, Heffa :)

CommanderShepard · 23/07/2013 17:50

YANBU. If I have any further children MIL will be allowed nowhere near the hospital following her behaviour when DD was born. Don't worry, cravey, DH agrees - and so he bloody well should. No one will be visiting except DH and DD.

Wbdn28 · 23/07/2013 17:51

YANBU. You have every right to decide who you'd like to visit, or not. The most important thing is maintaining the wellbeing of you and your baby. Everyone else will just have to wait. They're not the ones who'll have just had major surgery and are at risk of PND, so they can go and find something else to do while you build your strength back up. Tell people you're sure they'll understand and you'll be delighted to see them once you're back at home.

elliejjtiny · 23/07/2013 20:05

YANBU. I had an ELCS with DS4 and stayed in hospital for 4 days after surgery. I had MIL, FIL, DH and my other DS's visit in the afternoon of the first day and then just DH and my other DS's every day after that. My BIL came round the day I came home, my mum and dad came after 6 weeks and not seen my sisters yet (DS4 is 7 weeks old now)

elliejjtiny · 23/07/2013 22:54

Forgot to add, I had PND with DS1 and although I had it with the other DC as well it wasn't nearly as bad. DS4 was prem and in NICU for 4 weeks. If he'd been a natural birth at term I don't think I would have got PND at all.

Joanne279 · 23/07/2013 22:57

Defo not unreasonable! I fell out big time with mil demanding to literally be there during my csection. She got upset I wanted my kids there first.

I felt rough as hell and despite being overjoyed at my baby, I just wanted dp there. Do what's best for YOU! Everyone else can wait!!! :) x

MrsMook · 24/07/2013 00:34

YANBU

The perk of my trip to HDU after DS1's EmCS (and 40hr labour) was having no visitors in there, which turned out to be 36hrs, so he was 48+hrs old when he was first visited by my "mum", then the next day by our best friends. I found a visit a very peculiar experience- it was nice to have some social input, but draining too.

Fortunatley DS2 was a sucessful VBAC (although rather sore following the forceps). In the 36hrs that I stayed in after, my only visitor was DS1 who DH went to collect as the discharge was rushing through quicker than expected. We wanted him to meet baby at hospital so he knew mummy hadn't been at home, and where this baby thing had come from (he was staying with friends).

Just because there's a baby involved, it doesn't give anyone other than your DP/H and DC the right to see you. Any birth runs the risk of being a major medical event. No one else has the right to see you when your appendix has been removed, the baby doesn't change that.

(My MiL is no issue, lives in another country and is very happy to wait until Pat Leave is up, stay for two weeks and look after us. A mutually happy agreement.)

Oscalito · 24/07/2013 10:01

I wouldn't do it but then that's just me. I don't mind my mil she's pretty good so maybe I'm lucky.

That's all fine, Cravey, but we're not talking about you.

Oscalito · 24/07/2013 10:11

And OP, YANBU. It's your time to bond with your baby and enjoy a tiny newborn in peace. Everyone will get their turn later. Good luck.

Cravey · 24/07/2013 12:47

You know what ? Looking back on this thread I wasn't the only one who had my views. So maybe I'm not all bad aft all. Oscalito you're right it's not bout me. I didn't for a minute say it was.

flanbase · 24/07/2013 12:55

yanbu - just say no visits for the first days. If the family want to come to the hospital then a few mins then its' with your dh and baby in another place for 5mins only

Kat101 · 24/07/2013 13:16

Also haven't read whole thread, but bear in mind that there is often a queue for ELCS, you are lower priority than any EMCS or very high risk ELCS. You may not get done until 5pm. I'd wait until day 2 before your older child visits.

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