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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by dh's attitude?

31 replies

Ashoething · 22/07/2013 16:37

Dh skived off work early.he has done nowt except have a v long nap and now watching a crap film he has seen before.I suggest a bit of afternoon nookie seeing as kids are out.He tells me-sorry tmi-that he has already masturbated and whats for dinner! I am incredibly angry and upset.We havent dtd in 2.months and I feel he treats me like his mother.Am I bu to be upset?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 22/07/2013 16:39

Go to bed for a nap and wank yourself.

Tell him you expect dinner when you're finished.

ENormaSnob · 22/07/2013 16:40

Yanbu

Why havent you dtd? Circumstances or one of you not wanting to?

I would be very concerned if this was my dh as it would be so out of the ordinary.

DuelingFanjo · 22/07/2013 16:41

kids are out. Go and find a nice cafe to sit in and eat.

Original poster

Ashoething · 22/07/2013 16:45

We havent done it because he never wants to-ir he asks me for a bj when he is pissed.It has been like this for years tbh.I have told him that I dont want to live in a sexless marriage and he promises to change but it never does.He blames it on being over weight and too tired for work.I have asked him to go to doctors but he refuses.

OP posts:

Saidar · 22/07/2013 16:50

Sorry to ask such a personal question, but is it possible he's having some performance anxiety?

Needing a drink in him and preferring masturbation might be a sign of it being a psychological rather than a physical issue, although I've heard being overweight can impact on a man's ability to maintain an erection.

Could you go to the doctors together or maybe have a look at that website that's in the advert raising awareness.

Original poster

Ashoething · 22/07/2013 17:52

He came down the stairs after 2 hours and asked me why I am upet! FFs he knows fine well. We have talked about this so many times and he never does anything about it. I have never cheated but am only 37 and cannot stand the though of going without sex for the next 40 years!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2013 17:57

I've got to be honest, it's waaaaay too hot for sex.

Perhaps he feels the same?

Groovee · 22/07/2013 17:59

I'd be really hurt by that too. It's not the fact of not having sex but the closeness you get from it.

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2013 18:02

Do you let him know you still love him and find him attractive even with the extra weight?

Have you had any couple time away from the kids, a romantic meal or the cinema etc?

ArgyMargy · 22/07/2013 18:06

YANBU. He could be experiencing difficulty getting it up, which is a side effect of obesity and stress. He could be too hot (if u are in the UK!). He could not fancy you any more. He could be experiencing age-related loss of libido (bit young for that though). My guess is the first one.

ArgyMargy · 22/07/2013 18:07

Oh, I didn't mention that he could be getting sex from elsewhere.

ByTheWishingWell · 22/07/2013 18:17

YANBU to be upset, but I would try not to be angry with him/ blame him. If he's worried about his weight, it could be that he just doesn't feel attractive. If you think that could be the case, try and imagine what would help you if the roles were reversed- I would focus on cuddles and affection without there being any pressure for it to lead to sex, and trying to make him feel loved and attractive again.

We had a very similar sounding problem when my DP put on weight and was quite stressed out, and that worked for us. I hope you manage to get it sorted out

Original poster

Ashoething · 22/07/2013 18:21

He doesn't want cuddles or affection. If I try and cuddle him in bed he shrugs me off and he has openly admitted he doesn't really like kissing! He is 10 years older than me btw so is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my married life?

I have told him the weight doesn't bother me-I would like him to lose a few stone for health reasons but I prefer chubbier men anyway. I honestly just think that he just doesn't have a very high sex drive and expects me to just accept it but its making me fucking miserable.

OP posts:

runningonwillpower · 22/07/2013 18:22

This isn't right.

It's more than performance anxiety surely. To tell your wife you can't have sex because you've just had a wank? Knowing full well that she would like a healthier sex life?

Could he be withholding sex as some sort of control? Just a thought.

I think counselling might be in order here. It's gone beyond conflicting needs when your partner not only makes his own arrangements but feels the need to tell you so.

Original poster

Ashoething · 22/07/2013 18:26

Tbh there are other problems in our marriage and I think the lack of sex is also a reflection of this. He quite openly admits to masturbating and when I point out to him that we could be having sex instead he just doesn't care. I have suggested counselling before and he just ignores me. Honestly I feel like weeping when I have friends telling me how their dh's cant keep their hands off them.

OP posts:

runningonwillpower · 22/07/2013 18:29

Are the other problems of a controlling nature?

deleted203 · 22/07/2013 18:30

I think if I was with a man who openly admitted to masturbating in preference to having sex with me I would be saying, 'I take it you won't care if I go find it elsewhere then?'

PipkinsPal · 22/07/2013 18:30

Go and have a bit of me time and hope he's washed his hands before dinner.

MissStrawberry · 22/07/2013 18:34

I think I would be leaving as this is no life for anyone.

Original poster

Ashoething · 22/07/2013 19:08

I have asked him before to leave and go and stay with his parents but he thinks Im joking.

For years I fooled myself that our marriage wasn't that bad but now I have couple friends and I see how they are-cuddling,holding hands,sharing a laugh etc and it makes me see how sad I am.

I have said to him in anger before that I will go else where but again he usually just ignores me.

OP posts:

Justforlaughs · 22/07/2013 19:15

I know that you can get some quite extreme advice on here at times, but i do think that you need to make it clear that you are not happy and that something needs to change. Either he gets help, with or without you, whichever he is most comfortable with or he moves out. Explain that you still love him and find him attractive but that this marriage is not fulfilling YOUR needs even if it everything he wants. Tbh, I'm better at writing things like this down as I find that I get upset and I think it comes across better, rather than a "you're just trying to pick a fight" or "it's just the mood you are in right now". I wish you every happiness in the world. You don't need to settle for this at all.

Fairenuff · 22/07/2013 19:16

I have asked him before to leave and go and stay with his parents but he thinks Im joking

That's because you are joking or, to put it another way, you don't mean what you say. If you meant it, you would not just leave it there because he ignored you. You would see it through.

Original poster

Ashoething · 22/07/2013 19:24

I cant throw him out though-its his house-he pays the mortgage and he will just refuse to go.

I used to write him letters a lot when we were going through bad patches but then I realised he wasn't even reading them

Tbh I am too much of a coward to really change things-I have an absolute fear of failing at my marriage. My parents got married very young and lasted 2 minutes and I always swore I wouldn't make that mistake.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 22/07/2013 19:28

If you are married it is joint property. Do you have children?

ChippingInHopHopHop · 22/07/2013 19:30

Wise up my friend, there are far worse things than admitting your marriage is over... one of those things would be continuing to live with your H simply because you don't want a 'failed marriage' behind you.

You might not make the same mistake your parents did, but if you stay with him you would be making a far bigger mistake.

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