To be hurt by dh's attitude?

[Ashoething]

Dh skived off work early.he has done nowt except have a v long nap and now watching a crap film he has seen before.I suggest a bit of afternoon nookie seeing as kids are out.He tells me-sorry tmi-that he has already masturbated and whats for dinner! I am incredibly angry and upset.We havent dtd in 2.months and I feel he treats me like his mother.Am I bu to be upset?

[Fairenuff]

Yes I made the dinner

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. You have much to learn my friend

Right. Make a change, starting right now. Stop allowing him to treat you like this. You know, sex isn't all about orgasm. Just because he's had a wank doesn't mean he can't give you some attention.

I think if you work on the other areas in your relationship, you might be able to rebuild the intimacy, if you want to.

Decide where your boundaries lie. What do you want out of this relationship. Leave sex out of it for now and have a talk with him about your expectations.

Tell him that things are going to change. Spell it out. And if he doesn't put in the effort, you can call it a day.

[MissStrawberry]

You probably are super confident and feisty with people who allow you to be.

[Ashoething]

Yes I made the dinner I know I sound like a doormat but Im really not-my friends always talk of me being super confident and feisty! HA! Its just that I feel worn down by years of this-years of being made to feel grateful for him being the breadwinner. Years of believing I was lazy because I chose to stay at home.

I do feel so sad when I think of the years stretching ahead like this but seem to lack the will to actually change it. Pathetic.

[Fairenuff]

I'm curious - did you make his dinner?

[MissStrawberry]

You might not make the same mistake your parents did but you are making a hell of one now.

No wonder he won't move out, he knows you don't mean it and won't make him.

Your life is too long - hopefully - to waste it on a relationship that doesn't work for you anymore.

Tough decisions time - separate and make a new life for yourself or sta as you are and stop moaning about it.

[Ashoething]

Yes we are married and have dcs.But I now if I did split with him he would be an arse about it. He works and I am a sahm with no access to money. Yes I know this is ridiculous but it has gone on for so long now I don't know how to change it. I just bury my head in the sand.

[ChippingInHopHopHop]

Wise up my friend, there are far worse things than admitting your marriage is over... one of those things would be continuing to live with your H simply because you don't want a 'failed marriage' behind you.

You might not make the same mistake your parents did, but if you stay with him you would be making a far bigger mistake.

[Fairenuff]

If you are married it is joint property. Do you have children?

[Ashoething]

I cant throw him out though-its his house-he pays the mortgage and he will just refuse to go.

I used to write him letters a lot when we were going through bad patches but then I realised he wasn't even reading them

Tbh I am too much of a coward to really change things-I have an absolute fear of failing at my marriage. My parents got married very young and lasted 2 minutes and I always swore I wouldn't make that mistake.

[Fairenuff]

I have asked him before to leave and go and stay with his parents but he thinks Im joking

That's because you are joking or, to put it another way, you don't mean what you say. If you meant it, you would not just leave it there because he ignored you. You would see it through.

[Justforlaughs]

I know that you can get some quite extreme advice on here at times, but i do think that you need to make it clear that you are not happy and that something needs to change. Either he gets help, with or without you, whichever he is most comfortable with or he moves out. Explain that you still love him and find him attractive but that this marriage is not fulfilling YOUR needs even if it everything he wants. Tbh, I'm better at writing things like this down as I find that I get upset and I think it comes across better, rather than a "you're just trying to pick a fight" or "it's just the mood you are in right now". I wish you every happiness in the world. You don't need to settle for this at all.

[Ashoething]

I have asked him before to leave and go and stay with his parents but he thinks Im joking.

For years I fooled myself that our marriage wasn't that bad but now I have couple friends and I see how they are-cuddling,holding hands,sharing a laugh etc and it makes me see how sad I am.

I have said to him in anger before that I will go else where but again he usually just ignores me.

[MissStrawberry]

I think I would be leaving as this is no life for anyone.

[PipkinsPal]

Go and have a bit of me time and hope he's washed his hands before dinner.

[deleted203]

I think if I was with a man who openly admitted to masturbating in preference to having sex with me I would be saying, 'I take it you won't care if I go find it elsewhere then?'

[runningonwillpower]

Are the other problems of a controlling nature?

[Ashoething]

Tbh there are other problems in our marriage and I think the lack of sex is also a reflection of this. He quite openly admits to masturbating and when I point out to him that we could be having sex instead he just doesn't care. I have suggested counselling before and he just ignores me. Honestly I feel like weeping when I have friends telling me how their dh's cant keep their hands off them.

[runningonwillpower]

This isn't right.

It's more than performance anxiety surely. To tell your wife you can't have sex because you've just had a wank? Knowing full well that she would like a healthier sex life?

Could he be withholding sex as some sort of control? Just a thought.

I think counselling might be in order here. It's gone beyond conflicting needs when your partner not only makes his own arrangements but feels the need to tell you so.

[Ashoething]

He doesn't want cuddles or affection. If I try and cuddle him in bed he shrugs me off and he has openly admitted he doesn't really like kissing! He is 10 years older than me btw so is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my married life?

I have told him the weight doesn't bother me-I would like him to lose a few stone for health reasons but I prefer chubbier men anyway. I honestly just think that he just doesn't have a very high sex drive and expects me to just accept it but its making me fucking miserable.

[ByTheWishingWell]

YANBU to be upset, but I would try not to be angry with him/ blame him. If he's worried about his weight, it could be that he just doesn't feel attractive. If you think that could be the case, try and imagine what would help you if the roles were reversed- I would focus on cuddles and affection without there being any pressure for it to lead to sex, and trying to make him feel loved and attractive again.

We had a very similar sounding problem when my DP put on weight and was quite stressed out, and that worked for us. I hope you manage to get it sorted out

[ArgyMargy]

Oh, I didn't mention that he could be getting sex from elsewhere.

[ArgyMargy]

YANBU. He could be experiencing difficulty getting it up, which is a side effect of obesity and stress. He could be too hot (if u are in the UK!). He could not fancy you any more. He could be experiencing age-related loss of libido (bit young for that though). My guess is the first one.

[WorraLiberty]

Do you let him know you still love him and find him attractive even with the extra weight?

Have you had any couple time away from the kids, a romantic meal or the cinema etc?

[Groovee]

I'd be really hurt by that too. It's not the fact of not having sex but the closeness you get from it.

[WorraLiberty]

I've got to be honest, it's waaaaay too hot for sex.

Perhaps he feels the same?