Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think he's being mean to dd and to stand up for her?

344 replies

BusyLizzie99 · 22/07/2013 02:40

DP and I have been together since my dd was one. She's now 6. Mostly he's great with her but recently I've been seeing behaviour I don't like and feel like he's jealous of how close we are and subsequently sulking/being mean to her. Am prepared to be told I'm being over-protective though. Some examples:

If she's been at her father's he makes a point of telling her what she's missed out on here.

The other day he was looking in cupboard under stairs and dd wanted to go past as her breakfast was in the other room. She said excuse me four times but he ignored her, then when she tried to squeeze past he stuck his bum back suddenly squashing her against the wall, causing her to bump her head and cry then told her off for being impatient.

Tonight when we were arriving home from walking the dog she picked up some pebbles from the front garden and slipped them in his pocket telling him he
could use them to find his way home (been reading Hansel and Gretel) and he told her off and chucked them back outside. When she went to collect them he slammed the door shut then shook the keys to pretend he was locking it. She then knocked on the door and shouted to come in and he again moaned and told her off for 'waking the next door neighbours child'. Then I washed up and dd was telling him about her day as he'd been at work and all he replied was 'mmm' to each thing, while playing with baby dd with his back to elder dd so she was excluded.

Tonight I was reading bedtime stories to elder dd and when we'd finished I was telling her 'the story of her day' as we do sometimes. She was giggling and we were cuddling and within a minute he was there plonking baby with us so we couldn't continue.

If she's laying cuddling our dog, whom she adores, he'll call him away. When she's walking him and she goes off in front, if dp deems she's too far ahead he'll call the dog rather than dd which has caused him to pull her over a few times.

There are more I could think of but I'm getting wound up just typing it! AIBU to think he's being an absolute arse to her and to stand up for her/against him in front of her?

OP posts:
RoooneyMara · 22/07/2013 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Secretswitch · 22/07/2013 16:49

BusyLizzie, I really have nothing new to add. I have a five almost six year old daughter too. The thought of any man abusing her makes me want to cry ( look daddy here are some pebbles to help you find your way home..)
Please let me get by daddy...( daddy pushes arse into her so hard she slms her head against wall)
Please Please understand this horrible excuse for a man is HURTING YOUR OWN BABY!
Reach out for help in RL..keep posting here. We will support you through the difficult times ahead.
If it is ok with you, I will pray for you both..

thebody · 22/07/2013 17:08

your poor little girl. a vicious bulky for a step father and a weak apologist for a mother.

she deserves better than both of you.

take a look at yourself in the mirror and do your job as a mother, kick this bastard out of your house or do what it takes to protect your dd. that's your job.

DoreenGreen · 22/07/2013 17:22

OP, have you heard of the boiling frog? Put a frog in boiling water, it will try to jump out. But put a frog in cold water and slowly heat it, it won't notice the gradual changes in heat until it's too late. If he'd behaved like this to your DD from the start, you would have left, surely?

Vivacia · 22/07/2013 17:34

Doreen, that's already been mentioned. At least once.

xylem8 · 22/07/2013 17:54

I don't see how this can be resolved.Now he has a dd of hi own he clearly resents your DD.Even if you make him behave better towards her, it won't change the way he feels about her.
What a horrible situation.I don't envy you.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 22/07/2013 18:10

This thread sickens me. Absolutely sickens me. You have the power to protect your child - a child you carried for 9 months and gave birth to - and you're standing by and watching her be abused. If that sounds harsh, well, I hope it makes you think.

FWIW, a friend of mine was abused by her own father when she was younger, in much the same way that you describe here. Things escalated and he used to beat her until she wet herself. She used to avoid PE at school so no one could see the bruises.

She left home at 16, involved the police and SS, who rescued her sister and to this day, does not see either her mum or dad. So, she's spent more of her life out of contact with either parent than in touch with them. On the surface, her mum is a nice enough woman - but with the benefit of an adult mind, my friend has no qualms that she colluded with her father. She could have taken the harder path, left the abuser and made a nice life for her and her daughters. Instead, despite the years of torture and torment, the day my friend moved out, her DM was so deeply entrenched in denial that she said she 'didn't know' why said friend wanted to leave.

You can change the ending to your and your DD's story any time you want - and it can be much happier than the outcome looks to be at present.

JenaiMorris · 22/07/2013 18:31

Jesus Christ, I was in a position not dissimilar to that of this little girl but some of the flaming the poor OP has received here appalls me.

Shame on you. You know who you are.

OP, you know what you've got to do. Good luck x

TeaJunky · 22/07/2013 18:35

Just came across this and have nothing new to add but feeling very sad for your poor little dd.

The shoving into her and forcing her to hit her head against the wall made me gasp out loud.

You really have to do something, OP. we know its difficult.

But you must. Please.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 22/07/2013 19:53

I don't actually think the extreme stories of abuse are helpful here because it makes it too easy for the op to say, well it's not as bad as that, so it must be ok. We need to focus on the gravity of the situation as it stands now, and it is awful. Rejection and belittling like the op has described can have catastrophic effects on a young girl. Feeling as though she is not part of the family like his 'real dd' will be crippling for her self esteem.

What I'm trying to say is that even if it never escalates from what's happening now it is still causing your dd to suffer. I hope you can see the severity of the situation before your dd becomes the next damaged young girl looking in the worst places for acceptance and affection.

Dackyduddles · 22/07/2013 20:06

Busy hoping you return or request move. Hoping your ok.

ballstoit · 22/07/2013 20:40

My ex-h suffered years of rejection by his step dad, started gradually with being 'accidentally shut out, or having salt tipped over his dinner. Eventually, ex-h was slapped, kicked and had things thrown at him on a daily basis.

He's my ex because he couldn't properly commit to me or our family, always had secrets and disappeared without explanation. Please don't allow your dd to be scarred to the point that she cannot form relationships. Your her Mum, and you have to act.

charleyturtle · 22/07/2013 22:42

you need to talk to him. tell him what he is doing and how tbis is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it as your kids come first always!

my stepdad was like this and my mum never took my side and it has affected our relationship to this day. its heartbreaki.g knowing you come 2nd best to the person who is meant to love you most in the worls and can cause real self esteem issues for your dd.

sorry for spelling mistakes, on my phone.

mynameismskane · 22/07/2013 22:56

I feel sick that you are still with him.

Why?

Why haven't you thrown him out?

Why aren't you protecting your daughter?

Why?

Stop it! Now!

therighttoshoes · 22/07/2013 23:25

this is so sad. please don't make excuses for his cruel behavior. protect your little girl.

thetrackisback · 22/07/2013 23:33

OP sorry you've been flamed tonight. Sometimes small instances build and you are in a situation before you realise it. You know you need to deal with this assertively and his response is the deal breaker. Could there be any other factors to explain the change? Depression etc? Im

SirBoobAlot · 22/07/2013 23:52

Please leave, OP. She doesn't deserve to be exposed to this kind of behavior :(

ShoutyCrackers · 23/07/2013 00:09

You've been posting about this 'man' for ages now.

I think you'll turn a blind eye to this ultimately. Your poor child

AudrinaAdare · 23/07/2013 00:17

Have you been able to have a calm and rational talk about his behaviour? My DH is a step-father and sometimes he can be unthinking (didn't have the best male parent himself) but I am always able to raise any concerns with him, however minor I think they are. He is always mortified and addresses the behaviour.

If you can't, or he won't listen / tries to gaslight you / sulks then that is one hell of a red flag.

DoctorAnge · 23/07/2013 00:25

My heart breaks for your little girl.

She makes him cards. The poor girl is desperate to make him love her. She will grow up with a damaged view

DoctorAnge · 23/07/2013 00:26

Of men and relationships.
I wish for her a different life and am thinking of her.

Ezio · 23/07/2013 00:38

I was ignored by my own dad and still mostly am at 30, he wasnt abusive, he just wasnt there, it hurts and it doesnt go away, i have just accepted him as a lousy dad.

Sparklysilversequins · 23/07/2013 00:42

I can't add much to this but I don't really understand where your parenting instinct is. I have a 6 year old dd and if someone was treating her like this I think I would have physically attacked them by now. I am not saying that's RIGHT but it would be purely instinctive.

The thought of her making cards for him is heartbreaking. You say she loves him. Do you know that even children subjected to the worst kinds of abuse by their parents still love them and want to be with them? They don't understand at this age that this person they love doesn't love them back and won't protect them. They WANT to love so much. You cannot use her love as a reason to stay with him, it's not an informed love.

Please take your children away from this disgusting man Sad.

Jux · 23/07/2013 00:45

Op, sorry you've been flamed, though I can understand why. I think you've taken it on the chin and your decision to talk to him is pretty courageous. I hope the talk goes well and he show true remorse, as well as taking active, positive steps to change.

Sometimes things creep up on us, as the trackisback said above, you find yourself in an unacceptable situation before you've really clocked it.

You know it's happening and you're taking action. Good for you. I really hope it turns out well.

If he argues, excuses, blames, then you're onto a hiding to nothing. Now matter that your dd loves him, what she really wants is to feel safe, loved and protected. She needs YOU above all. She actually doesn't need him, and will be fine without him, as long as she has you.

She will not be fine if it continues. You know that, and I'm sure you won't make her endure it any longer. I really do wish you the very best and hope he turns it around and sorts himself out.

JenaiMorris · 23/07/2013 10:33

It's funny how when OPs seek help about bullying, it brings out the bully in a whole rash of posters.

Happens all the time - talk about kicking a person when they're down!

I hope they (and this OP) take note of some of the more thoughtful, constructive advice here.