to think he's being mean to dd and to stand up for her?

[BusyLizzie99]

DP and I have been together since my dd was one. She's now 6. Mostly he's great with her but recently I've been seeing behaviour I don't like and feel like he's jealous of how close we are and subsequently sulking/being mean to her. Am prepared to be told I'm being over-protective though. Some examples:

If she's been at her father's he makes a point of telling her what she's missed out on here.

The other day he was looking in cupboard under stairs and dd wanted to go past as her breakfast was in the other room. She said excuse me four times but he ignored her, then when she tried to squeeze past he stuck his bum back suddenly squashing her against the wall, causing her to bump her head and cry then told her off for being impatient.

Tonight when we were arriving home from walking the dog she picked up some pebbles from the front garden and slipped them in his pocket telling him he
could use them to find his way home (been reading Hansel and Gretel) and he told her off and chucked them back outside. When she went to collect them he slammed the door shut then shook the keys to pretend he was locking it. She then knocked on the door and shouted to come in and he again moaned and told her off for 'waking the next door neighbours child'. Then I washed up and dd was telling him about her day as he'd been at work and all he replied was 'mmm' to each thing, while playing with baby dd with his back to elder dd so she was excluded.

Tonight I was reading bedtime stories to elder dd and when we'd finished I was telling her 'the story of her day' as we do sometimes. She was giggling and we were cuddling and within a minute he was there plonking baby with us so we couldn't continue.

If she's laying cuddling our dog, whom she adores, he'll call him away. When she's walking him and she goes off in front, if dp deems she's too far ahead he'll call the dog rather than dd which has caused him to pull her over a few times.

There are more I could think of but I'm getting wound up just typing it! AIBU to think he's being an absolute arse to her and to stand up for her/against him in front of her?

Having been the mother of a child abused by a step parent, I can sympathise with the OP.

Its easy to say things from the outside looking in, but when you are in the middle of it, it's hard not to try and rationalise every little thing.

I thought my son was making stuff up because he didn't like his StDad

My son was always over dramatic.

It wasn't until my X hit our 2 year old for upending a bag of flour in the garden, while his Dad was snoring on the sofa, that I realised that maybe DS1 wasn't being a drama Llama.

I took my kids everywhere with me, to start with. Then started looking into removing us from this situation.

I really wish that I had known about Mumsnet back then because it wasn't until I discovered this site that I realised I was experiencing EA.

Yes my X had a horrific childhood at the hands of his mother, I tried to get him to have counselling for this. He was encouraged to write a journal about his experiences with his mother, I had to write it down for him because he had some form of learning disability.

I often wonder why he continued the abuse on to his own kids, because surely if you were abused yourself and didn't like it you would at least try and stop it recurring. But clearly at the age of 50 with 3 marraiges under his belt, he was never going to change.

We even went down the relate route, guess what, I was the one with anger issues, he was afraid I might hit him, we could discuss his past problems but not mine, now I know its a waste of time.

Caramel my friend was in a similar situation. She was told that her son was making it all up. The boy's behaviour was challenging anyway because of other experiences in his life so it was easy to blame him for being difficult. But she knew. Her instincts told her that something was not right.

It still took her ten years to leave the man and the emotional and mental damage to the boy is enormous

On the flip side, I'm relatively unscathed. Which isn't to minimise the importance of the OP taking action ASAP, I just want to emphasise that there is hope.

Nothing the OP has said here suggests to me that she is a bad person or a weak person - all manner of intelligent, capable, caring people can find themselves in similar situations. The emotional abuse she has experienced is insidious, incremental and chip, chip, chips away at a person's self esteem (which is another reason why some of the crap she's had thrown at her here on MN is so bloody horrible).

She is as much a victim as her daughter but the key difference is that as an adult she is the only one who can act now to protect all three of them - her and both her children. And the sooner the better.

He's not just mean op he's abusive. He hurt her and made her cry. She is a baby. He is an adult. Get rid of him doll you and your dr deserve someone a million times better than this.

My stepfather was like this. He only ever tolerated me at best, I never felt love from him, or even that he liked me. He was okay until my three brothers came along, then I was made to feel in the way all the time, he clearly saw me as an annoyance he had to put up with if he wanted to keep my mother. And she was kept so busy with the younger children she never noticed.

I retreated emotionally from the whole family, I was like a lodger. I ate meals in my room while everyone else was at the dining table. I was also a selective mute at school like your daughter OP, but I'm not sure if there may be a connection with an unstable father figure.

As a teenager I was both very anxious around men, from my age group upwards, and very eager to please and frightened to say no. I was desperate for attention and affection. Luckily in a way, the anxiety was so extreme it overpowered the need for male approval and I tended to avoid boys while also harbouring all consuming crushes. Also, as I was depressed and self-harming, and was never bought new clothes or given money for the hairdresser, I did not look at all visually appealing!

I lost my virginity to a man 20 years older than me who I wasn't remotely attracted to. He told me he was going to look after me, and he said I would end up falling in love with him and we'd be happy together, and that was what I wanted to hear. He also said he didn't need to use condoms because he was infertile. The existence of the now 16 year old ds he left me with proves otherwise...

Sorry for the mini-bio, but if your dd is treated poorly by the man she considers daddy, you will be setting her up for decades of problems. As I read somewhere recently, predators are attracted to damaged young women. If you allow your dp to undermine and bully dd in her own home you are allowing a very unhealthy life pattern to form.

You should be doing everything you can now to build her confidence. Make it clear to your DP that his behaviour is unnacceptable and will not be tolerated, and look into family counselling if you aren't willing to walk away without trying to fix the problem. Don't allow him to co-parent her anymore - if he's not willing to put in the effort to be a good dad to her he should not be trusted with discipline. Also make it clear that she needs uninterrupted quality time with you. Try and help dd build her relationship with her bio dd if it's at all possible, or encourage other safe relationships with good male role models, like uncles or her granddad.

Good post Lauren.

Of course, this thread has me quite puzzled now, because in the thread about the OP's ex, earlier in the month, it's the ex who was the villain while her DP was all sweetness and loveliness with the OP's DD. The OP seems to be leading a very confused existence

Nasty man and poor child.

Any chance of an update OP as a lot of posters on here must be very worried?

This is one of those threads that makes you think "why do you even need to ask?". He is physically hurting her and then telling her off for crying. He's messing with her head too in all sorts of ways. Physical and emotional abuse right there and yet you have to ask if you need to protect her?

Lauren, did you ever confront your mom about what she did? Letting you be treated unfairly, not getting new clothes or hair cuts?

I left my ex because having seemed to have bonded with dd1 who was 2 when we got together it became more and more apparent he was only tolerating her. No abuse evident but more of an apathy towards her and any achievments or mile stones.
It eventually ended in excrutiating meal times with forced conversations about her day and me desperately trying to gain his input. It went slowly downhill over the 5 years we were together and I decided my dd deserved more. It all started when she got to 4 and started school.
My ex had a terrible childhood at the hands of his Mother so I tried to make allowances and talk it through with him.
Your situation is far worse than mine so please take your poor dd out of this.

I would throw that cunt out. My Daughter's emotional and mental health would come first.

Hi, OP back - for another flaming no doubt!

Chipped and others who've said I've posted repeatedly about this but done nothing - no I haven't. No idea where you get that from. Those who refer to my previous post about dp being 'all sweetness and light' to dd - he is, or has been the vast majority of her life. These incidents I've listed are very easy to misinterpret.. For example; if a mum posted saying shewas a shit mum for moaning at her dd for the pebbles thing she'd be consoled and told its understandable after a 12 hour day at work, to put her feet up etc. She would not be labelled an abuser.

All those who say 'if I accidentally hurt my child I'd be rushing to console them and apologise' - I disagree that that's the way it should be. Tonight, for example, I was washing up and ds was sitting on the floor by my feet. I asked him repeatedly to sit somewhere else so I didn't trip over him, he didn't move. A plastic cup fell off the draining board onto his toe and he complained it hurt. I didn't scoop him up and apologise and feel terrible, I told him that's precisely why I'd asked him to move - because it wasnt a sensible place to sit. Is that abusive, too?

Go on, OP. What excuse do you have for his emotional abuse too?

Your poor dd.

Get a grip I can't spare one for you.

I actually think this is one of the first threads I've read that has made me feel physically sick and so sad for the dd.

His 'emotional abuse' consisting of accompanying me to collect her from school, taking us all for ice cream, spending 2 hours doing their shared hobby with her, planning doing their hobby on holiday, carrying her on his shoulders for a mile because her new sandals gave her a blister then reading her favourite bedtime story for the millionth time...?

That's like saying its okay that a husband emotionally abuses his wife because sometimes he is nice and buys her a pretty dress. You are disgusting.

Your Dp still happily lying next to you in bed then, both oblivious to your daughters pain

ALL that is negated by him physically and mentally bullying her don't you see? Don't you see?

Backtracking I see truth hurts huh

:sad:

It's absolutely heartbreaking, more so because her mother and protector is willing to sacrifice her daughters well being for an easier life, O,p if he's so fantastic why were you worried? Why did you post?