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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think he's being mean to dd and to stand up for her?

344 replies

BusyLizzie99 · 22/07/2013 02:40

DP and I have been together since my dd was one. She's now 6. Mostly he's great with her but recently I've been seeing behaviour I don't like and feel like he's jealous of how close we are and subsequently sulking/being mean to her. Am prepared to be told I'm being over-protective though. Some examples:

If she's been at her father's he makes a point of telling her what she's missed out on here.

The other day he was looking in cupboard under stairs and dd wanted to go past as her breakfast was in the other room. She said excuse me four times but he ignored her, then when she tried to squeeze past he stuck his bum back suddenly squashing her against the wall, causing her to bump her head and cry then told her off for being impatient.

Tonight when we were arriving home from walking the dog she picked up some pebbles from the front garden and slipped them in his pocket telling him he
could use them to find his way home (been reading Hansel and Gretel) and he told her off and chucked them back outside. When she went to collect them he slammed the door shut then shook the keys to pretend he was locking it. She then knocked on the door and shouted to come in and he again moaned and told her off for 'waking the next door neighbours child'. Then I washed up and dd was telling him about her day as he'd been at work and all he replied was 'mmm' to each thing, while playing with baby dd with his back to elder dd so she was excluded.

Tonight I was reading bedtime stories to elder dd and when we'd finished I was telling her 'the story of her day' as we do sometimes. She was giggling and we were cuddling and within a minute he was there plonking baby with us so we couldn't continue.

If she's laying cuddling our dog, whom she adores, he'll call him away. When she's walking him and she goes off in front, if dp deems she's too far ahead he'll call the dog rather than dd which has caused him to pull her over a few times.

There are more I could think of but I'm getting wound up just typing it! AIBU to think he's being an absolute arse to her and to stand up for her/against him in front of her?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 22/07/2013 13:14

Your daughter is trying to be nice to him because she thinks this is her fault and if only she tried harder to show how much she loves him, he would love her back the same.

It really is heartbreaking.

I'm not defending him at all and have absolutely no qualms leaving if it's best for dd - her wellbeing and my relationship with her is a million times more important than mine with dp but ...

But what? You are defending him. You are making excuses for him. What are you waiting for, bruises? Even those can be explained away you know.

HighBrows · 22/07/2013 13:18

Chipped that makes me so very sad, my post came across probably came across more harshly then I meant it to so sorry.

This thread is very sad. The poor little 6 year old. Sad

Chippednailvarnish · 22/07/2013 13:21

I'm hoping I've got it wrong...

RiotsNotDiets · 22/07/2013 13:23

I honestly think LTB.

Poor little thing Sad

SillyBlueHat · 22/07/2013 13:26

My DH was your DD 30 years ago. He has lost most of his adulthood to mental abuse caused by an emotionally abusive step dad.

Please look after your daughter and leave him. Do not underestimate the effect he is having.

SillyBlueHat · 22/07/2013 13:26

Mental illness, not mental abuse

Viviennemary · 22/07/2013 13:28

I don't think I could put up with this level of nastiness to my child from anybody. Especially a partner. I think I would leave as I just couldn't tolerate this on a day to day basis. Your child is learning that even when she is polite and nice she can get a nasty response which is not a good thing from a responsible caring adult.

IRCL · 22/07/2013 13:28

My god if my DP did this he'd be out on his arose.

Purposely pushing out so she can't get past? Sounds as if he tried to be really sly about doing it.

He is bullying an innocent child.

For yours and your girls sake, leave the bastard.

peggotty · 22/07/2013 13:31

Children often love their abusers. It's not a way of judging whether you should stay with your dp.

Khaleasy · 22/07/2013 13:36

Do not underestimate the effect he is having

THIS!!!

peggotty · 22/07/2013 13:36

Can't you see in your follow up post that you are trying to minimise and explain away his behaviour? Even at that, what you are describing is a man who is using power over a child to make himself feel better about whatever his own pathetic inadequacies/bad moods/lack of his own perception of 'power' in his relationships are. This is not a grown up person who can function normally in a relationship. He is 'jealous' of your relationship with your children?! Please wake up to what this person is really like. This is the tip of the iceberg.

whiteandyellowiris · 22/07/2013 13:37

oh this is so sad for your ddSad

wonder why he turned on her like that if he was ok with her when she was only one?

you simply cant stay with a man like this surely
unless he completely changes and says sorry to your dd, which is v unlikely

Dackyduddles · 22/07/2013 13:45

Frankly the tone of posters on this thread is extremely insidious and bullying. That is precisely what you ate accusing her dh of being. What happened to support? I see post upon post calling this woman all sorts of dreadful things but very few asking for conversation, support and useful suggestion. Constructive criticism is useful. Wild accusation is not.

Op, women's aid are good, a poster back a ways suggested them. Samaritans? They could be useful. Citizens advice? You have done well you have noticed. You need to talk. Then you need to think and plan. Maybe we can help with this? Wishing you strength.

OHforDUCKScake · 22/07/2013 13:59

OP would you tell a woman in an abusive relationship to stay with her man if she loved and adored him?

KellyElly · 22/07/2013 14:31

WilsonFrickett I wasn't suggesting it would be for the OP. But for me it would be simple hence why I replied as to what 'I' would do.

daisychain01 · 22/07/2013 14:35

Dacky - A function of this forum is that when something disturbing is posted, it generates a forceful response. Individually, people are trying to highlight the insidious nature of the situation (the excuses, DDs attempts to win over her DSF, the denials that anything is seriously wrong), unfortunately everyone's collective outrage appears to be bullying, when it is not meant that way.

If Busy were to confide in people individually, she would have undoubtedly received this reaction from each person in turn, but because it is all in one place it seems OTT. I would consider myself to be a measured person in how I respond to posts, but I felt it in the pit of my stomach, very first thing this morning and was compelled to post my thoughts.

Busy seems to be an articulate, intelligent woman, she has all the access to support that she can need, via her GP, SW, etc. She does not need spoon feeding, but she did post on AIBU about her issue and everyone is aware of the evil that came from high profile abuse cases like Victoria Clambier, Baby Peter etc. Those cases were from people who turned a blind eye to the warning signs, were too damn politically correct "cant say this it might offend!" Well where does her DD fit in?? Where does her little voice get heard? Saying " oh its so sweet, she loves DP so much she made him a little card at school" is playing right into his hands, just the sort of thing that would be mentioned to an SW to put them off the trail.

In short, MNers would be negligent in their social responsibility not to highlight the severity of this. We didnt ask Busy to post her detailed account, so lets not treat her like a victim. DD is the victim.

She knows something is going badly wrong. Maybe we need to back off now, we may have done the very best we can for now. But the rest is down to whether she wants to do the right thing.

Viviennemary · 22/07/2013 14:40

Your DD is having a miserable childhood because of this man. Why can you not wake up and see the reality. Do you want years more of this nasty bullying behaviour. A child's home should be a safe environment and she should not have to be 'protected' against anybody in the home. So forget about protecting her from the behaviour. Take her away from this person.

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/07/2013 14:43

Its all fine and well saying that you would do this and that's that but nobody knows how they would react how long it would take for them to see through the veil of normality and very few if any of you would do exactly what you claim you would.

The vast majority of you would do exactly what the op has under the same circumstances.

So how about you stop with the knee jerk reactions and bullying and be constructive or would you all rather just remove the one avenue of support the op currently has for no reason other than it makes you feel so much better about yourselves and you enjoy a good car crash type shrieking about child abuse.

Oh and chipping if she is the poster your thinking of then that's not a bad thing as it will be much much easier for her to disengage from this man.

Mitzyme · 22/07/2013 15:07

Absolutely agree with daisy chain.

Dackyduddles · 22/07/2013 15:10

I know it's a function of aibu. On some threads that's perfectly fine. In fact enjoyable! I am saying that perhaps in this instance people could use their obvious talents and abilities to be constructive not destructive as so much negativity could send op away or be hurtful when it appears she wants help.

BeaWheesht · 22/07/2013 15:12

I have a 6 year old, they are still just babies really, trying hard to be more grown up than they are. I would never let anyone treat my child like this and you really, really, really need to nip this in the bud, today.

MNHQ
JulieMumsnet · 22/07/2013 15:26

Hi,

Thank you to those who have contacted us about this thread.

We can see that a lot of posters have given some good advice and second those who have advised you to get some advice about this in real life. We have sources of useful information here although only a few may be relevant. There's also the NSPCC phone line, which has been linked above www.nspcc.org.uk.

BusyLizzie, if you'd like us to move this into another topic, such as relationships, please do let us know. We hope you manage to find a way through this.

MNHQ

IAmNotAMindReader · 22/07/2013 15:49

He is gaslighting and bullying her.

All those examples you state are just him pointing out to her she doesn't fit in his idea of a family. What's the justification for pretending to lock her out or telling her what she's missed out on?

She makes him cards and is very affectionate with him because she knows he doesn't like her anymore and is desperate to win his affections back. She may start to believe things beyond her control are her fault.

Unfortunately you are defending him.

fabergeegg · 22/07/2013 16:18

If my DH was doing this to my DD, I would sadly conclude that I had to leave. Your children come first. If they're not in a loving, secure environment, they'll sustain emotional damage that may be life-long. In other words, your DD could bear the scars from this behaviour long, long after you have passed away. Is that the legacy you wish to leave her?

Surely when we have children there's no option but to do what's best for them every time. It sounds like you could not trust this man to look after your DD for a day. What would happen to her if you got run over by a bus tomorrow? It sounds like she would live the life of an emotionally abused child. But worse than that, some of these incidents sound worryingly close to physical abuse also. If what you're saying is accurate, your DP has been placing your DD in situations where it is possible - and even likely - she will be physically hurt.

I could never love a man like that. Couldn't trust him.

Quite honestly, I don't think you are worth much as a mother if you don't leave. This is too dangerous for your daughter. Any benefit that you and DS are enjoying is far outweighed by the danger your innocent child is in. I'm not sure why you even have to post about this. It should be obvious. It also sounds very like a similar post a month or two ago. If that was you, and you're still wondering, make your mind up and have a heart.

RoooneyMara · 22/07/2013 16:42

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