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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think he's being mean to dd and to stand up for her?

344 replies

BusyLizzie99 · 22/07/2013 02:40

DP and I have been together since my dd was one. She's now 6. Mostly he's great with her but recently I've been seeing behaviour I don't like and feel like he's jealous of how close we are and subsequently sulking/being mean to her. Am prepared to be told I'm being over-protective though. Some examples:

If she's been at her father's he makes a point of telling her what she's missed out on here.

The other day he was looking in cupboard under stairs and dd wanted to go past as her breakfast was in the other room. She said excuse me four times but he ignored her, then when she tried to squeeze past he stuck his bum back suddenly squashing her against the wall, causing her to bump her head and cry then told her off for being impatient.

Tonight when we were arriving home from walking the dog she picked up some pebbles from the front garden and slipped them in his pocket telling him he
could use them to find his way home (been reading Hansel and Gretel) and he told her off and chucked them back outside. When she went to collect them he slammed the door shut then shook the keys to pretend he was locking it. She then knocked on the door and shouted to come in and he again moaned and told her off for 'waking the next door neighbours child'. Then I washed up and dd was telling him about her day as he'd been at work and all he replied was 'mmm' to each thing, while playing with baby dd with his back to elder dd so she was excluded.

Tonight I was reading bedtime stories to elder dd and when we'd finished I was telling her 'the story of her day' as we do sometimes. She was giggling and we were cuddling and within a minute he was there plonking baby with us so we couldn't continue.

If she's laying cuddling our dog, whom she adores, he'll call him away. When she's walking him and she goes off in front, if dp deems she's too far ahead he'll call the dog rather than dd which has caused him to pull her over a few times.

There are more I could think of but I'm getting wound up just typing it! AIBU to think he's being an absolute arse to her and to stand up for her/against him in front of her?

OP posts:

atrcts · 22/07/2013 12:01

Ok, I was typing as you hit "post" so didn't see your recent update.

What he's said about her not being 'his' is a terrible thing to say, and if he's willing to verbalise it, it will definitely be obvious in his dealings with her.

People have sometimes defended their abusers out of genuine love for them- it's called the Stockholm syndrome, look it up. I would say that how how misses him is a sign of your daughters loving nature rather than the health of his parenting.

frumpet · 22/07/2013 12:03

The fact that you are uncomfortable enough about his behaviour to never leave them alone together ,speaks volumes !

My DH is not the best parent in the world , when he says or does anything that i deem to be unfair or unkind to any of the children ,biological or otherwise i tell him so there and then , he will quite often argue about it but the thing is i am an adult with a responsibility to my children and he is an adult who is big and ugly enough to take the critisism.

The problem is you have let all of these little episodes go without pulling him up on them . Your 6 year old daughter currently has no-one on her side , imagine how awful that must be for her .

Fairenuff · 22/07/2013 12:06

Speak to him about his behaviour by all means. And be prepared to watch gaslighting in progress.

I did witness something similar to this. My friend's new partner did not like her son. He was two when they met and had already been through some difficult situations and was exhibiting some challenging behaviour.

They stayed together for another ten years and went on to have more children but the partner never treated the son well. Eventually they separated because of it.

One day whilst out as a group I was walking a little way behind the man and the boy. I saw the man look around to make sure my friend wasn't looking, then very deliberately kick the boy. He didn't see me and didn't know I'd seen. The boy ran to his mum to complain and the man said he was making it up to get him (the man) into trouble.

Honestly, OP, you don't need this in your life.

pigletmania · 22/07/2013 12:10

Op of course your dd loves him, she is a child, innocent and does not know any better. You are all she has to protect her, she cannot make tat decision herself. You said that she is picking up on things and it will possibly continue to get worse. Yes you do need to do more than talk to him, you need to take control and show this individual that hi behaviour is not acceptable

Te fact tat you would not leave your dd with him is quite telling. Do you not trust him to look after her and keep her safe? Tat would be a major dealbreaker in a relationship, stop making excuses for his behaviour, he is an adult he can control hi behaviour.

frumpet · 22/07/2013 12:10

Op have you never left them alone together or just since you noticed his behaviour ?

Lavidaenrosa · 22/07/2013 12:13

You need to kick that man out of your house and out of your life. You are her mother and you have to defend her and protect her, that's your duty.

There are some good stepfathers but this man is not one of them. You wouldn't let a stranger do all that to your daughter, why are you letting this man?

lottieandmia · 22/07/2013 12:20

reading this makes me so angry. This man is behaving in an abusive way towards your dd. I would have to get rid of him - particularly as he has been a big feature in her life since she was 1 - this shows he won't change.

Please protect your dd from this awful emotional abuse. Never mind standing up for her - he needs not to be living with her imo.

Lavidaenrosa · 22/07/2013 12:22

This is going to some harsh, you keep making excuses, but why do some women prefer some dick rather than protecting their own children? Baby P?
Maybe some people shouldn't have children. I say this because my friend was sexually abused by her stepfather and the mother did not say anything. Friend was making things up according to her own mother. But he started slowly, first spying on her when she was in the bathroom, touching her 'by mistake', etc. I would like the death penalty for men who abuse children.

pigletmania · 22/07/2013 12:25

Op how long are you going to wait, your poor dd is being treated appealingly by this individual already. Are you going to wait until she has been very damaged by it, at the moment it's not bad enough to leave him!

fuzzywuzzy · 22/07/2013 12:37

OP would your DD's biological dad take her for longer periods?

I'm finding it hard to be sympathetic.

You don't leave your child alone with your partner

You said it made you blood boil typing out these incidences so it clearly does not sit right with you.

Remove your child from this situation, of course your child loves this man, she doesn't know any different he makes up part of her current world, she sees you and her half and step siblings in a loving relationship with him and wants to be a part of that, she's seeking affection and you both are the only places she knows to look for it, doesn't matter how horrible you are to her she's a baby.

gingerchick · 22/07/2013 12:37

He has really done a number on you OP you are still trying to excuse his behaviour, there is
NO excuse I don't care how tired he is or how you can try and see reasons for it, he is abusing your daughter whether she loves him or not he is abusing her and you are colluding in that abuse

Kiriwawa · 22/07/2013 12:40

I'm not defending him at all and have absolutely no qualms leaving if it's best for dd - her wellbeing and my relationship with her is a million times more important than mine with dp but ...

It's best for DD. No buts. You don't even trust him enough to leave her alone with him so you know

Original poster

BusyLizzie99 · 22/07/2013 12:46

It isn't that I won't leave them alone at all. We spend weekends together as a family that's all.

OP posts:

Ezio · 22/07/2013 12:46

Errrrr, either you love your DD enough to protect her or not.

No man would make my DD feel like your partner is doing to your DD, shes 6 and confused by the way hes acting, get your head out of your arse and do what a mother should.

If you cant do whats best for DD, then shame on you. Perhaps her Dad would take better care of her.

Khaleasy · 22/07/2013 12:54

OP - your DP sounds exactly like my step-dad and is behaving the same way he did when I was a child. It was incredibly damaging. Please do something about it and get this fixed.

Doctorhappy · 22/07/2013 12:57

I think the way he has reacted in each different situation is quite telling - if I accidentally 'bumped' a child, be it my dc, dsc, or someone else's child completely and caused them to hurt themselves and cry my response would be instinctive - to gather them up and comfort them and apologise etc etc - as another poster says you feel so dreadful when you accidentally hurt a wee one that you often feel you can barely make it up to them. It doesn't sound like your DH reacted with any remorse or guilt which suggests to me that his action was premeditated and that his feelings towards your dd may be less than warm. Same goes for the other examples - if I caused a child to be knocked over by a dog I would feel awful and respond accordingly, with comfort and apologies.

FWIW I think some of the other posters have been harsh. Noticing this type of bullying and responding to it is a process and not one that is as simple as being in a happy functional relationship, noticing some disturbing differences in DH's behaviour and then just packing a bag and leaving. I do think your DH sounds like an unpleasant bully, but you need to believe that too in order to have the strength to stand up to him and leave him. Hopefully some of these comments will help you to strengthen your resolve and do the right thing. But the important thing is that by posting you are Acknowledging rather than ignoring. Now you need to think clearly about your future with this man and make a difficult decision in the interests of your dd. And in the meantime please stand up for her every time you notice bullying, and let her know that it is not ok. I have a great deal of experience working with the aftermath of the type of treatment your dd is receiving and it is so so damaging and so sad.

Chippednailvarnish · 22/07/2013 13:03

Are you also the same person who doesn't actually live with their "D"p?

And he doesn't contribute to toward them?

TeamSouthfields · 22/07/2013 13:05

He is mentally abusing her

OHforDUCKScake · 22/07/2013 13:05

I would consider the fact that she is making cards etc for him in order to try and win his heart back.

Id hate it if someone I loved bullied me. Id hate it more if my whole world (i.e you, to her) kept the bullying going because you thought him leaving would be worse,p
I tell you right now years of 'asserting his authority' if thats what you want to call it, will hurt her considerably more and stay with her for the rest of her life.

TeamSouthfields · 22/07/2013 13:05

He sounds a horrible man.. Why would u let him be so horrible to ur daughter?

HighBrows · 22/07/2013 13:06

Chippednailvarnish what does it matter, you keep asking the op is she's the poster who does x, y,z... search for her posts if you are so interested however this thread should be taken on merit, what's actually written is what posters are responding to.

Busy I think you need to be extremely watchful of this situation and talk to your dp making sure he knows you will not allow him undermine your daughters self esteem etc.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 22/07/2013 13:06

I think you've posted about this before? He sounds abusive and you need to get your daughter away from him ASAP. If he does things like this when you're around, who knows what goes on when you're not there.

Chippednailvarnish · 22/07/2013 13:10

High if this is the same poster that I think it is, the child in question had been abused for a very long time. NOT just a few months.

The OP in that case repeatedly posted about the child and did nothing, I think it is very pertinent to the whole way of viewing the situation. Especially for those posters who are saying that its not such a big deal.

SlimePrincess · 22/07/2013 13:11

He is an abusive twat and what's more you know he is. Please do what's right and protect your dd

gotthemoononastick · 22/07/2013 13:12

Dondraper has told you..please heed it.Even Lion and Leopard mothers would never introduce another male where there are vulnerable cubs.Why do human mothers do this and then we read about the horror stories ?

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