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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think he's being mean to dd and to stand up for her?

344 replies

BusyLizzie99 · 22/07/2013 02:40

DP and I have been together since my dd was one. She's now 6. Mostly he's great with her but recently I've been seeing behaviour I don't like and feel like he's jealous of how close we are and subsequently sulking/being mean to her. Am prepared to be told I'm being over-protective though. Some examples:

If she's been at her father's he makes a point of telling her what she's missed out on here.

The other day he was looking in cupboard under stairs and dd wanted to go past as her breakfast was in the other room. She said excuse me four times but he ignored her, then when she tried to squeeze past he stuck his bum back suddenly squashing her against the wall, causing her to bump her head and cry then told her off for being impatient.

Tonight when we were arriving home from walking the dog she picked up some pebbles from the front garden and slipped them in his pocket telling him he
could use them to find his way home (been reading Hansel and Gretel) and he told her off and chucked them back outside. When she went to collect them he slammed the door shut then shook the keys to pretend he was locking it. She then knocked on the door and shouted to come in and he again moaned and told her off for 'waking the next door neighbours child'. Then I washed up and dd was telling him about her day as he'd been at work and all he replied was 'mmm' to each thing, while playing with baby dd with his back to elder dd so she was excluded.

Tonight I was reading bedtime stories to elder dd and when we'd finished I was telling her 'the story of her day' as we do sometimes. She was giggling and we were cuddling and within a minute he was there plonking baby with us so we couldn't continue.

If she's laying cuddling our dog, whom she adores, he'll call him away. When she's walking him and she goes off in front, if dp deems she's too far ahead he'll call the dog rather than dd which has caused him to pull her over a few times.

There are more I could think of but I'm getting wound up just typing it! AIBU to think he's being an absolute arse to her and to stand up for her/against him in front of her?

OP posts:
CrabbyBigBottom · 23/07/2013 23:44

Lizzie I'm not jumping into the kicking that you're getting here. I think that the incidents you've posted about are open to different interpretations. But something rang alarm bells for you, didn't it? To put all those incidences together?

Do you still think that the airing cupboard incident was deliberate and that he knew she was there?

Have you talked to him about this?

AnneNonimous · 23/07/2013 23:46

Oh this is so sad.

OP, I can maybe stretch to understanding how you might have felt you needed to post here for confirmation on your partners behaviour.

But now you have the confirmation you needed, if you carry on making excuses and ignoring it you are 100% letting your daughter down. She is a baby and her world is very small, please don't underestimate how much damage he is doing.

You posted here for a reason please don't forget that.

Original poster
BusyLizzie99 · 23/07/2013 23:51

He is/has been fantastic with her. I spoke to him about how I felt his behaviour towards her had changed this evening and he apologised and said he hadn't thought how it could be interpreted, that he loves dd as much as our 2 etc. I'm not going to post anymore because, quite frankly, I think most of you are a bunch of vile bullies who delight in claiming abuse and advising breaking upffamilies.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 23/07/2013 23:52

You could be my Mother. I don't speak to her anymore because she didn't protect me from my Father, she denies there was anything to protect me from. All my fault you see the EA and making me feel worthless. Her devout loyalty to my Father and not me her child, has hurt me so deep I will never recover. My first memory of EA was about three years old. I just hope you Daughter can confide in somebody who will take her seriously and she gets away from the toxic environment you keep her trapped in because you are scared to be a single Mother.

gingerchick · 23/07/2013 23:53

Noone is delighting in your daughters pain except her stepfather op what a ridiculous suggestion

pigletmania · 23/07/2013 23:54

I gathered you talked to him then, or he would not be on his best behaviour. You posted on here originally as you identified a problem with your partners behaviour, so you yourself recognised there was a problem.well if your partner starts relapsing into his unacceptable behaviour don't you deare be a bystander, you bloody go in there and protect your dd. have you taken anything hat anyone has said on here on board!

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 23/07/2013 23:54

Bullshit, OP. Perfect Disney ending just when you are told he's an abuser? Yeah, okay. Your poor daughter.

DoctorAnge · 23/07/2013 23:56

Yes, if that makes you feel better to think we are all vile then so be it. We are worried about the situation your daughter is in after you posted a few home truths about the way your partner was treating her.
I am still thinking of her and wishing her a happy life despite being so mistreated.

pigletmania · 23/07/2013 23:57

If he starts relapsing you put your dd first, I am really aghast that you stood by and watched your dh/dp treat your dd like that tbh

gingerchick · 23/07/2013 23:58

Hear hear doctorange

AnneNonimous · 24/07/2013 00:00

OP, some posters have been rather harsh in their posts, but only because what you have posted is so upsetting.

Please don't ignore this and run off, we are all very worried for your poor DD. There are so many posts on here of posters own experiences showing just how much damage could be being done to your daughter.

Your motherly instincts made you write your OP, look for them again to help you do what is right for DD.

Waffling · 24/07/2013 00:01

I don't think that's the OP.

gingerchick · 24/07/2013 00:02

The other day he was looking in cupboard under stairs and dd wanted to go past as her breakfast was in the other room. She said excuse me four times but he ignored her, then when she tried to squeeze past he stuck his bum back suddenly squashing her against the wall, causing her to bump her head and cry then told her off for being
impatient.

But then he brought her some ice cream and they lived happily ever after

AudrinaAdare · 24/07/2013 00:03

Oh God, OP, please stay and talk to us. Despite the surface behaviour you have genuine concerns and you posted about them. You were absolutely right to. You asked for advice because you are a good parent.

People here can help you. I've seen threads running for years on the Relationships boards and so much support is available. AIBU is not the place for this. Please consider getting this moved because this really is serious and in the right environment, with more experienced posters, I am sure that you will see that and not feel the need to be defensive. That must be the last thing you need at the moment.

Good luck x

Nanny0gg · 24/07/2013 00:07

BusyLizzie99

Why the bloody hell did you post then? If he's so wonderful?
There are more I could think of but I'm getting wound up just typing it! AIBU to think he's being an absolute arse to her and to stand up for her/against him in front of her?

That's what you said. With evidence.

I'm so glad he's seen the light...
Hmm

sweetestcup · 24/07/2013 00:09

I am a Nurse Therapist and have patients on my case load screwed up by their childhoods, generally abuse or neglect by a carer. Sadly I can predict your DD is a prime candidate. You can believe everyone here is the bully all you want if it helps you sleep at night but I think we all know the real bully is a hell of a lot closer to home...

scottishmummy · 24/07/2013 00:09

You're sticking up for your dysfunctional partner,when your daughter needs you
I see you're attacking mn,that's because at some level you know he's bully
It's too much too bear,so you push away and demonise the message.that you know is true

pigletmania · 24/07/2013 00:13

You admitted in your opt bat he is being an absolute arse to her, give it time and you will be back on here again saying h same thing, and sticking your fingers in your ears saying la la la

waltermittymissus · 24/07/2013 00:15

I skipped to the last page hoping to see posts saying you'd kicked him out.

He doesn't deserve to be in your dd's life and, if you don't step up and be the parent you should be, neither do you.

Is living with her dad an option? I'd hope so since your wanker boyfriend will get worse and you, apparently, will stand by and watch since " he doesn't mean it".

AudrinaAdare · 24/07/2013 00:18

I will say it again. Please get this thread moved. This is very serious.

Will you do just that for now? It is very simple to do and will be even more evidence of your commitment to your beautiful DD's life-long happiness, security and self-esteem.

Please also look at the long-running threads on the relationships board. Hundreds and thousands of posts from people who have been there and know how to get you and your family to a place where you all feel safe and loved. I am not one of those posters but I am in awe of them. They are very gentle and understanding, and they will be patient and kind.

SirBoobAlot · 24/07/2013 00:20

I was so hoping you would be coming back to say you'd kicked him up the arse. He's done a real number on you, hasn't he? :(

Your poor poor daughter. Even if you think everything that has been said is vile, I hope it sticks with you enough to make you angry, and make you keep thinking back to it, so that when another incident happens, you remember the advice you have received.

Monty27 · 24/07/2013 00:23

Run away from the facts OP, at your dd's expense.

You are a low low individual, and just as bad at your emotionally abusive dp.

scottishmummy · 24/07/2013 00:23

Op lets not get distracted no one is attacking you,there are concern about your posts
On mon 22july something worried or stirred a feeling in you op.you were worried
Undoubtably this is hard as it challenged your sensibilities your narrative of past 5yr

CrabbyBigBottom · 24/07/2013 00:25

She'll get even more of a kicking on Relationships. The wonderful support is only for the posters who do exactly as they're told. Wink

Monty27 · 24/07/2013 00:29

He's only emotionally abusive for now, things could get worse. And you only know what you've witnessed by your own eyes and your own admission on this very thread.

In my eyes, that makes you guilty too. Partners in crime.

If I knew your family I'd report you quite frankly, you don't deserve your dc's.

And your poor dd doesn't deserve you either.

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