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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men don't really mind a bit of extra weight.

130 replies

JaffaMyCake · 21/07/2013 12:53

Not so much to do with my DH as its tough shit for him Grin.

My sister is made 20s and probably carries an "extra" ten pounds or so above what would be a 'perfect' body. She dresses for her figure and wears great clothes and has curvy boobs and bum, she doesn't have a flat tummy, but it certainly isn't large. She's 5'4 and probably weighs just under 10 stone a dress size 10.

Being newly single she's extremely paranoid about not being perfect and that her "weight" will put men off.

So AIBU to tell her to quit moaning unless she wants to swap for my pushing size 14 post baby body?

OP posts:
ShoutyCrackers · 21/07/2013 16:59

Ah but it's all relative CEO! I can really feel an extra few lbs - yes, even at size 10 , and have the same hang ups about my body as someone who is size 18 or 14 or 22. Like I said, all relative

CheeseFondueRocks · 21/07/2013 17:05

Yes, it also depends how tall you are. I can tell you that with my tiny 5ft2 frame I am borderline overweight at a size 10 and I certainly feel it. I don't go on about diets though.

Latara · 21/07/2013 17:08

To be blunt - at 'just under 10 stone' and 5'4'' your sister is within the Healthy BMI range. So technically she's not at all Overweight by '10lb'.

For extra confidence she may wish to tone up her tummy, but she probably looks just fine how she is.

Dress size is not a good measure to use because clothing sizes vary from shop to shop - I wear clothes ranging from sizes 12 to 16 all at the same time so I'm not sure what size I actually am!

Re: men - they like a happy smile and an approachable attitude most of all IME.

A woman can look like a Supermodel but a man won't bother if she has an off-putting unfriendly attitude.

DomesticCEO · 21/07/2013 17:13

Shouty, agree but maybe slim women should pick their audience? I used to be a size 12 and wouldn't dream of telling my larger friends I was fat - what the fuck does that say to them about what I think of their size???

But then I tried not to talk about weight/diets/size at all because so many women go on and on and on and on and on about it. It's unbelievably boring - that is probably what turns men off more than anything!!

eccentrica · 21/07/2013 17:21

when I got together with my DP I weighed just under 9 st, I'm 5 ft 8. a year later i'd dropped to 7.5 st and a Size 6. after having our DD I was over 11.5 st before I lost the baby weight, and I'm now pg again.

he's never stopped fancying me throughout all these changes. despite me hating my post pg body. he says it's about who I am, not a few pounds here or there. I am far more bothered by weight than him.

I'm sure there is a limit, if I became obese that would be different (and same for me, with him).

in my experience that is true of most decent men and whatever my size I wouldn't consider getting together with a bloke like mayorquimby above who thinks a size 10 woman is too fat!

ShoutyCrackers · 21/07/2013 17:21

Oh very true CEO. I wouldn't dream of saying to an overweight friend ' oh I'm so huge' because its just daft. And like you say , tedious.

I work with a cross section of men - they are all educated and intelligent however. Without exception, they are unanimous in not finding someone overweight attractive. I challenge them on this often ( and my OH too ) but get nowhere.

I'd love it to be that just a nNic smile and confidence was enough but I sadly don't believe this.

chickydoo · 21/07/2013 17:22

Badguider yes 28 back DD boobs. Size 8, but somethings can be a little tight over norkage Grin

quesadilla · 21/07/2013 17:30

It's true that its largely down to confidence.

I was at uni with a girl who was quite big (size 16 I would guess) but very pretty with long blonde hair and totally lacking in self doubt and she had men around her like flies on a honeypot. The fact she was confident outweighed the fact she was carrying a few extra pounds.

There are men who are turned off by big women and there are men who are shallow and worry what their mates will say etc.

But by and large I think if you are happy in your own skin and unless you are really grossly overweight men care about this less than women do.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 21/07/2013 17:41

I'm a size 18-22 (depending on where I shop) and recently single, having been in a relationship for nigh on 20 years. I've always had hang-ups about my size (put weight on during puberty and never lost it again, having three kids didn't help) and have been worrying about whether I'm going to be single for the rest of my life.

This thread hasn't helped (in some ways) but ime I've had (younger) men interested in me (at work and at college) even though there have been younger, thinner, prettier, single women there, and knowing I was in a relationship. I suspect this may have been down to me being seemingly confident and fun, having a laugh and being pleasant to be around, rather than my size. One guy at college was 21(!) while I was 34, with kids, and my friend said he was obviously very into me, although he seemed to be as surprised by it as I was!

So, I think personality goes a long way, but people need to be invested in getting to know each other for that to work out. Sorry for the ramble.

outragedofsuburbia · 21/07/2013 17:48

I am 5ft 4 and just under 10 stone and although I have big boobs my tummy is almost flat (I have had 3 kids and I am 40). I go to the gym alot....so your sister can't exactly be carrying much excess lard.

Ashoething · 21/07/2013 18:05

I think that men like a woman who is self confident in herself whatever her size. I am a size 16 at the moment and would like to get down to a 14 but I am not prepared to starve myself or hate my body or bore people to death about my diet.

I have a lot of self confidence even though I am a bit fat. I dress well to suit my body and always have my hair/make up done. I have never had a problem attracting men.

BinksToEnlightenment · 21/07/2013 18:06

Confidence is vastly more important than weight. But weight is important, there is no denying that.

WorraLiberty · 21/07/2013 18:27

I'm just sick to the back teeth of my size 10/12 friends going on about being 'big' needing to cut back, etc, when I'm considerably larger than that. It is, as one poster said, very very tedious.

But what has your size got to do with theirs? Confused

Just because you're considerably larger then them, how does that mean they're not big and they don't need to cut back?

No matter how big or small you are, your friend's needs are still their own.

CheeseFondueRocks · 21/07/2013 18:30

Halleluja, Worra!

VelmaDaceDinkley · 21/07/2013 18:31

I think men like different things.

Some like big women, some like skinny women, some like average women, some just like ANY women Grin, and some don't like women at all.

DomesticCEO · 21/07/2013 18:43

Worra, why does someone who's a healthy size 10 need to 'cut back'? Confused

And because I think it's insensitive - in the same way if I was super fertile I wouldn't say to a friend struggling to conceive that I only need to look at my dh and I'm pg Hmm. Why does a slim size 10 woman need to go and on and on to a friend much bigger than them about how fat they are? I know I'm not the only one who thinks that's insensitive (shouty included!) - and often it's done as an attention seeking thing so they will get lots of reassurance that they're not. It's tedious shite. I'm really surprised you can't see it's not a particularly nice thing to say to someone who's properly struggling with their weight? Confused

ArtemisatBrauron · 21/07/2013 18:44

Yes, cheese I am the same - 5 ft 1.5 inches tall and at a middling size 10 I look chubby. At a 6 I look normal/slim. My sister is 4ft 11 and a size 2/4 (she often wears children's clothes!) and not at all emaciated, she is just very petite and at a 10 would be overweight.

ArtemisatBrauron · 21/07/2013 18:45

and yes, the 0.5 of an inch is very important Grin

Xmasbaby11 · 21/07/2013 18:49

Size 10 is slim. The average in the UK is size 16. Size 10 and curvy sounds gorgeous! Unless she is moving in circle with celebs / models, I can't imagine she would look at all large.

VelvetSpoon · 21/07/2013 18:52

I think there are men who like all different shapes and sizes.

Being happy and confident in yourself is the most important thing imo.

I find women are much more bitchy and nasty about this than men - I have been told by many women less attractive than me that I would be more successful with men if I was thinner, for ex. I have also seen a number of threads on here where the OP asks how they can improve their chances of meeting men, and are told to lose weight.

Fwiw, I weigh 15 stone. I am a size 16. I am certainly not thin, but I am far from grotesque either, and lots of men find me attractive - and not in some weird festishy feeder type way either!

Latara · 21/07/2013 18:54

Domestic I agree with you actually; i'm slowly losing weight and meanwhile I've had family and friends moan about their weight when actually they are thin and must know that they are thin; it's so insensitive and annoying grr!

DomesticCEO · 21/07/2013 19:02

Thank you Latara, yes it is annoying. I agree that all women, whatever shape and size, sadly have body hang ups, but I just think some need to think about what they say and who they say it to.

Doesn't just apply to issues of size of course!

WorraLiberty · 21/07/2013 20:25

Worra, why does someone who's a healthy size 10 need to 'cut back'? Confused

So that they don't slowly become a size 12/14/16 or any other size they don't want their own bodies to be.

I'm size 10, 5ft 3" and around 8st 4lbs. When I find myself getting over 8st 7lb, I begin to cut back and tone up.

Absolutely loads of people of all different sizes cut back when they find weight creeping on. It's perfectly normal so I'm not sure why it confuses you?

Cutting back isn't something that only people of larger sizes do.

CheeseFondueRocks · 21/07/2013 20:31

Worra, why does someone who's a healthy size 10 need to 'cut back'?

Also, a size 10 isn't healthy for everyone. It isn't really at my height.
Just because the UK average size is a 16, does not mean it is suddenly healthy. All it means is that British women on average are getting fatter and fatter and with that unhealthier. It's a really stupid argument. It's like saying smoking isn't unhealthy because the average person does it. Or drinking 3 times the recommended amount of alcohol isn't unhealthy because so may people do it.

CheeseFondueRocks · 21/07/2013 20:35

And have you noticed how big some clothes in a size 10 are, depending on the shop. I think a lot of women can delude themselves into thinking they are a 10 when really they are not.