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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he needs to grow up

104 replies

opilo · 19/07/2013 22:15

Have namechanged because I might be excommunicated if my family found out I was posting about this

My brother has finished university this year and is currently looking for a job. He has had 4 interviews in the last couple of weeks and unfortunately he got all 4 rejections in the space of a hour this morning. Since this apparantly he has hidden in his room all day crying. My sister sat and held him for 2 hours whilst I was there tonight until he went to sleep. I said he needs to grow up and not be so thin skinned and that this might be holding him back as no employer wants someone so mentally weak. My sister went ballistic and told be to STFU and that I'm a heartless bitch who will destroy any self belief he has left.

AIBU to think that he needs to accept he is now 21 yo and take a major reality check accepting that in the current climate he is going to have accept rejection when it comes to jobs and not blub for hours on end to his 26yo sister.

OP posts:
kim147 · 20/07/2013 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCraicDealer · 20/07/2013 09:16

I'm sure he's well aware about how competitive the job market is and that's adding to his disappointment. You can't get away from anecdotes like, "such-and-such who went to Cambridge and got a first is now working in Burger King", or news articles about lack of opportunities for graduates. So he was probably sitting thinking he was doing pretty well to get to the interview stage, and that potentially he'd have a job pretty soon. To get knocked back four times in an hour must drag up a lot of feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness that he's going to have to start the whole process all over again. Oh, and he's got a sister who he knows will tell him to stop being a baby- that must add pressure to "succeed" as well.

I have been in his position very recently, and I'm very, very glad that my family supported me and have me useful advice rather than empty cliches like, "you'll have to grow a thicker skin". Does that just happen then, overnight? No, it's part of growing up. We'll all get better at brushing things off and starting again, like your DB will have to. But unfortunately for you, you can't grow a sense of empathy. YABU.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/07/2013 09:57

"man child" "man up"

maybe men should go back to being emotionless, stiff upper lipped, stand alone islands.

FFS, its not the century of the fruitbat.

thispunderfullife · 20/07/2013 10:37

I wonder what the history of your relationship is with your brother... Is he a lot younger, were you displaced by his arrival, is the other sister someone you are competitive over? Where are your parents in this?
I do think you are being harsh.

NoComet · 20/07/2013 10:41

Just fuck off OP, I'm a long term SAHM mum and not getting the perfect job I could have done round the DCs still hurts and always will.

AKAK81 · 20/07/2013 10:41

Yanbu absolutely pathetic. He's a 21 year old man ffs, not a 5 year old girl. Time to mtfu.

thispunderfullife · 20/07/2013 10:52

Man up is an incredibly sexist phrase. Loaded with innuendo about what a 'real man' is.

NoComet · 20/07/2013 10:54

And I was a 40 year old woman, married for 20 years with two children and the cow of an interviewer still reduced me to tears.

Some people can just scribble formulaic shit on a 100 aplication forms and some people invest a huge amount of emotional energy in each and only apply for jobs they want.

I know who I'd rather have working for me or as my collegue and it's not the OP.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 20/07/2013 10:55

IME many graduates have unrealistically high expectations of their first job/chances of getting a job.

ConfusedPixie · 20/07/2013 11:04

Flobba: I meant it in reference to the plenty of times on here I see people saying "They are only 20-odd", yes, they may be in their 20's, but they are adults and need to live in the adult world, many of us on here are under 25 and on many occasions I've seen people saying that they are only 24, my age, as an excuse for whatever it is when actually, at 24 many of you were parents and running houses whilst holding down a career. By excusing them because of their age we're treating them like children, infantilising adults who need to learn that the real world can be fucking shit at times.

There is a balance between being sensitive and being tough, the OP is at one extreme and her sister is at the other, neither of which is going to help this young adult get himself together and get through it.

headinhands · 20/07/2013 11:05

Eek. Please don't talk to your db if you're likely to say anything like you did in your post. Your db has been in fulltime education for 16 years. Finishing his degree signals huge changes for him. I expect things will settle down soon enough as he gets used to job hunting. And to be fair, even at 41 years of age I'd probably lock myself in my room for a cry if I had 4 rejections within 60 minutes.

RosieSupposesHerToesiesAreRose · 20/07/2013 11:05

YABU. I think the biggest disservice done to young people today is telling them how employable they are rather than giving them a healthy dose of reality - to find out that your degree does not automatically set you apart and to face what could be several months of unemployment with a stonking student debt is a huge shock to the system.

He sounds like he's had a shock and you were being both catty, unsympathetic (too secure in your own job, forgotten how tough it is?) and unsupportive.

Khaleasy · 20/07/2013 11:13

YABVU. 4 rejections in the space of an hour is awful, especially to someone who is probably experiencing this for the first time.
I'm sorry but you sound nasty.
If he'd been moping for weeks then it would be different, but a couple of hours is acceptable.

IAmNotACaterpillar · 20/07/2013 11:16

You know what? I graduated first time round 20 something(!) years ago. I STILL have nightmares about that final year, especially around exam season. He will have been working his socks off to get his degree I bet, so will be both physically and mentally exhausted.

On top of this, he's applying for jobs, worrying about his student debt and got rejected 4 times in the same of an hour. I'd cry too!

He cried in the privacy of his room, with his supportive big sister. No doubt, with the loving support of his family, he will pick himself up, dust himself down and try again. And again. And again. Until he lands himself a job. He's had a bad day, give him a break and help him believe in himself. Don't put him down because of how he reacted to a horrible situation.

In case you haven't grasped - I think you were YABU. But it's hot and everyone's cranky. So make your brother a nice cuppa today, go through the jobs pages with him and play nice!

headinhands · 20/07/2013 11:23

The thing is it's probably not just the rejections. It's the whole big change thing he's reacting to. He's probably just had his graduation ceremony no? There will be a lot going on in his head and right now it all all seems like an overwhelming anticlimax and the job situation was just the last straw. He just needs a bit of friendly support and understanding like we all do and he'll be fine.

JackieTheFart · 20/07/2013 11:25

I'm kind of with the OP.

Crying yourself to sleep in your sister's arms seems really weird to me.

When I graduated, I didn't get a job for four months and only had one interview Sad. I was just rejected by every other place I applied to.

I cried, and went to the doctor because I was getting really low. Maybe I'm just not as emotional as the brother, same as the OP?

Don't know really.

Silverfoxballs · 20/07/2013 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoniaGluck · 20/07/2013 11:45

Crying yourself to sleep in your sister's arms seems really weird to me.

I bet he didn't really. It totally sounds like over egging on the OP's part.

We all deal with rejection and disappointment differently. I'm a crier. I cry a lot, get it out of my system and then move on. But I suppose that's OK because I don't have a willy Hmm

I thought we'd moved on from all that 'boys don't cry' crap

MurderOfGoths · 20/07/2013 12:02

"Men should be allowed to cry, in fact I wish more would because I am convinced not being allowed to show feelings as its perceived as weak is bad for them."

Apparently not. :(

To me it seems like a good thing that he is able to voice his feelings and cry, rather than this stiff upper lip bullshit. Keeping it all in just because of people like the OP is a recipe for disaster. Let him have an off day and cry it out, then he'll be more likely to get on with it. Trying to get him to hide his natural emotions will just keep them bubbling under.

What is the harm in him crying and spending time dealing with it in private? If he was crying in front of potential employers then that would be different. He should feel safe to cry in his own home surely?

specialsubject · 20/07/2013 12:16

cry for a bit, then realise nobody died and move on.

if this is the worst that happens to him he'll be lucky. Howling like a baby all day isn't on at 21, regardless of gender.

does he have food? Does he have shelter? does he have people who love him? is he healthy? so why is he blubbing for hours?

HooverFairy · 20/07/2013 12:20

My god, the poor lad got 4 rejections in the space of an hour! He's 21, he hasn't experienced much 'life' yet and he's found out the hard way how cruel it can be. OP, you're awful! Give him a few days to sort himself out, support him through it and then next time he's rejected he'll find it easier.

If my brother was suffering like that there's no way I'd act like such a bitch about it. It sounds like you have some jealousy issues.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding · 20/07/2013 12:24

He does sound a bit wet tbh. Being upset, fair enough, but sobbing for hours?

I hope he picks himself up and carries on. Experiences like this can make people stronger in the long run. Perhaps suggest things he can do to improve his cv - work experience?

MurderOfGoths · 20/07/2013 12:24

"does he have food? Does he have shelter? does he have people who love him? is he healthy? so why is he blubbing for hours?"

Because he's upset, didn't realise there was a point system for when you are able to cry.

kim147 · 20/07/2013 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mckayz · 20/07/2013 12:30

My god you sound like a bitch.

He was upset, people are allowed to be upset you know.