to think he needs to grow up

[opilo]

Have namechanged because I might be excommunicated if my family found out I was posting about this

My brother has finished university this year and is currently looking for a job. He has had 4 interviews in the last couple of weeks and unfortunately he got all 4 rejections in the space of a hour this morning. Since this apparantly he has hidden in his room all day crying. My sister sat and held him for 2 hours whilst I was there tonight until he went to sleep. I said he needs to grow up and not be so thin skinned and that this might be holding him back as no employer wants someone so mentally weak. My sister went ballistic and told be to STFU and that I'm a heartless bitch who will destroy any self belief he has left.

AIBU to think that he needs to accept he is now 21 yo and take a major reality check accepting that in the current climate he is going to have accept rejection when it comes to jobs and not blub for hours on end to his 26yo sister.

[opilo]

flobbadobs- How would you describe it?

[LingDiLong]

YABU! If he'd spent the week crying and refusing to act constructively you'd have a point, but surely to God he can mope about for a day before getting his shit together?

Answer this honestly, would you have been more sympathetic to his tears if he were you sister rather than your brother?

[Flobbadobs]

Having a bad day!! Thats it! We all have them, we all deal with them differently.
Someone with your experience (going off what comes over in your posts) could be a real boon to him. You've been there done that. He's fresh out of Uni and probably knows bugger all about the real world, so help him!

[RoxyFox211]

That's a pretty heartless reaction really. I think you've over rationalised it op. It doesn't matter so much what actually happened but how it made him feel that counts. He may be having a hard time adjusting from the change of leaving uni, a lot of young people find that change hard, & the rejections could just be the straw that broke the camels back.

[RoxyFox211]

Why are we all meant to be so tough all time? What's wrong with a bit of sensitivity? He'd probably be better at certain roles with sensitive qualities. A lot to be said for patience and kindness sometimes.

[DoJo]

YANBU to think he needs to cowboy up a bit but YABU to say anything.

[80sMum]

Good god! Of course YANBU. Your brother's reareaction is more what I would expect from a 9-year-old than an adult. For heaven's sake, the world hasn't ended! Your sister's behaviour is not doing your brother any favours. Wrapping him in multiple layers of cotton wool will not help him to mature.

[softlysoftly]

mentally weak

Nice

That's anyone with mh issues fucked for work then.

Yabu and a bitch. I agree that sounds ott as a response but you had no need to be so awful really awful.

[Mouthfulofquiz]

YABVVU

[imademarion]

softly, I'm not sure the OP detailed any specific MH challenges?

I understood her to mean not resilient.

I certainly would want to see a graduate in whom I invest time and training, to show resilience.

The climate is tough at the moment and colleagues, clients and customers need to feel that they are working with someone who can handle that. I personally wouldn't feel much confidence in a company whose public face broke down in floods and needed a cuddle when things got rough.

It's not MH bashing, in my reading, it's a realistic if hard-nosed reaction to someone going to pieces over a situation that may well get worse.

And worrying for them that they need to get tougher.

[EBearhug]

I certainly would want to see a graduate in whom I invest time and training, to show resilience.

And of all the graduates you train up, do you know how many may go home and cry after a bad day? You probably won't know if any of them break down in floods and need a cuddle when things get rough.

Part of resilience is getting through the day, and then letting go when you're on your own, or at least with your family. I very much doubt that the OP's brother has broken down in interviews or anything - that really would show lack of resilience. And at least he does get some support. Not getting any support isn't good for your resilience and mental health, if it's what happens every time.

[squoosh]

A two hour cuddle till you fall asleep? Really?

[Bogeyface]

Yes Kotinka and it is something you learn via things like this! Freaky man-child? At 21?

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Your sister is right

[AnneTwacky]

Did your sister really cuddle him for two hours? Cutting through the hyperbole, I'm guessing that she was just in his room chatting to him to try and cheer him up.

Maybe he does need to be a bit stronger but your attitude is hardly helpful.

[LifeHuh]

AnneTwacky,just what I was thinking!
Given that the OP doesn't sound as if she likes her brother much I was wondering how much "Since this apparantly he has hidden in his room all day crying. My sister sat and held him for 2 hours whilst I was there tonight until he went to sleep." translates into "he has been upstairs,really upset,DSis has been talking to him..."

Yes,he will have to learn to cope with rejection,but telling him he is mentally weak won't help with this at all...
It is scarey looking at the real world out there,worrying about job prospects and your future.Hooray for those people who are tough enough never to get upset or overwhelmed by it,but that doesn't mean that the people who do aren't perfectly worthwhile people,who have a lot to offer in a job...

[LadyInDisguise]

YABU
You can think whatever you like, what you told was unnecessarally harsh. You had no need to put him down like this when he was at his lowest.

the fact that you have had rejections in the past doesn't mean you have any ideas what it feels to revcive 4 Nos in an hour. As a newly graduated, he still has no idea how hard the job market is, no idea what to do in an interview, no idea what to after an interview.
Yiou have some experience? Great! Share it with him, guide him and remind him that having had 4 interviews is already very positive in our climate. Give some ideas of what to do next (such as asking for feedback) but NEVER EVER put him down like this. u could have at least have had the decency to wait until the day after to have ago at him like this.

Poor guy. With family like you, you don't need enemies. :(

[LadyInDisguise]

opilo, just an idea, are you also the type of person who will say that a depressed person is just 'mentally weak' and 'need to get their act together'?

Because the way you are talking, the way you are presenting things, just reminds me of that...

[CSIJanner]

FFS!

YABU. Let him get over the shock. So he cried? It's his first experience of rejections and there were 4 of them at once. You are being heartless - he can ask for feedback on Monday and face the world with a new week. Give him this one.

And calling him mentally weak did make you a bitch.

[Tanith]

"Apparently"

So you don't actually know for sure that he's been crying all that time, nor do you know that your Dsis cuddled him for hours until he went to sleep.

[CoolaSchmoola]

It is always unpleasant to kick someone when they are down. Whether you had a point or not today wasn't the time, and your choice of words was designed to cause pain.

There are a myriad of less hurtful and more supportive ways to make that point, but you chose to go straight for the jugular when he was clearly already upset.

Studying for three years to achieve a degree isn't easy, he has to be resilient because he undertook and achieved a degree. He is going through huge changes in his life, the safety net of being a student has gone, and he's had it in various forms since he was five. He is under pressure to get a job, and got four rejections in one day. His support network of friends are scattered to the four winds.... He had a bad day, it doesn't make him 'mentally weak' it makes him human.

And you kicked him when he was so down. People who do that don't do it to help, they do it to hurt. It is a mean spirited, nasty and unnecessary way to behave and it helped noone, you set out to cause hurt when he was hurting already.

That makes you a bitch.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Well - what you said was I your sister about him was incredibly harsh.

I don't think there is anything to be gained by babying him,crying all day is excessive. But I can understand why he cried. He does need to accept that in the current economic climate he may well get a few more rejections or indeed spend some time not even getting to the interview stage.

You would have been kinder (and more helfpful) to have sat him down and tried to get him to see that each interview you do makes you better at the next one,that he will of course get a job and it's ok to be disappointed he didn't get these ones but he's not alone in his experience.

I'm assuming your sister did not actually cuddle him until he went to sleep and this is hyperbole?

Even though I am of the same mind as you insofar as there's no point wallowing all day in self pity...I cannot believe you called your little brother "mentally weak". That's awful.