When cultures Clash..I refuse to give my father-in-laws name to my son.

[orangebee1]

Ladies, last week i delivered twins, one boy and one girl. My husband is Greek and tradition here dictates that the grandson must be named after the grandfather.
I am English and it's unthinkable to me that i can't choose my son's name. I am happy to have the grandfather's name (Yiorgos) as a middle name, but certainly not the first one and am insisting that my huband and i find a name we BOTH want.

I delivered by c-section and after two days (when i was still in the hospital recovering!) what should have been a joyous occasion turned into tears and arguments over the name choices - i wrote the names my husband and i had agreed on on facebook and his family saw and all hell broke lose.

My husband was so taken upset by his family's reaction, he was crying and distressed and finally changed his mind about the names.

As yet the babies are unamed and referred to as "the boy" and "the girl".
His sister says to me "you have three children now, what is it to name one of them after the grandfather - he has only one life and waited all of it until this day for his name to be passed on".

Am i being unreasonable??? Would you name your child a name you really do not like at all to keep the peace???

My DH's middle name is one of names that made people chuckle at the registry office. He is embarrassed by it. It's also his Dad's middle name and it's apparently a tradition on his Dad's side of the family...

I'm pregnant and there have been hints that if it's a boy we give it as a middle name.

Unfortunately my family have a tradition of not giving children damn fool names so it won't be happening. DH has a sister so let her inflict it on her child if she wants!

I think you have made a good compromise here. You have acknowledged their tradition by giving it as a middle name and they should acknowledge that your culture allows you to choose a first name yourselves.

Congratulations on your twins!

If you are living in England you could tell your inlaws that it's traditional for the parents to name their dc whatever they want and that's what you're doing. I'd also like to know, how can a grandparent argue that the grandson must be named after the grandfather" when most dc would have 2 sets of gps. Do they argue over which side gets priority?

One of my friends (English) is married to a Greek, lives in Greece and had this problem too. She has 2 dd. The first dd has the Greek grandmother's first name. The baby's parents agreed to do this as they liked the name. As the second one was a dd too and they intended to have no more children, the Greek grandfather wanted the second dd to have the female version of his first name. The first name and surname would have been almost identical, a bit like if the grandfather was David Davison and the new baby Davidia Davison. The baby's parents refused.

They gave the baby a name which was a compromise, but the gps rejected that too and called the child 'Baby' for 18 months(!). At that point the parents changed the child's name to their own first choice of name. I think the gps must have accepted it...eventually.

Also you can point out the child does have FIL's name...he will carry his surname

Waited all of his life? Right...

You and your husband have agreed that you won't do it. So don't do it.

Interested as to why you don't think you are a feminist. You probably have a different definition to me. Do you think it means you have to hate men or have to work fulltime even if you'd rather be at home with your children or have to not take your husband's name when you get married?

You believe that your boy/girl twins should be treated and valued and respected equally, and given equal opportunities, right?

You think that how people behave towards them should be different only because of how they as individuals are different, not because one is a girl and the other is a boy?

And you recognise that the world currently will treat them differently based on their sex, rather than based on their individual qualities?

Then you qualify as a feminist in my book

If you are married and 'not a feminist' then surely you have taken, and will pass on, your FIL surname to your son?

To me, that is more than a compromise!

YANBU.

Fuckin' hell.

X-post with SourStones - I'm never quick enough!

My friend had this problem and relented in the end and called her son Constantinos (or Konstantinos can't remember the spelling)... He's been known as Stan in the uk since he was tiny. She doesn't like the name but because her husband felt very strongly about it's he relented.

If you do give in, then you could always just call him George and have the Greek name on the birth certificate. But ultimately your son (and your DH's obviously) so it is up to you.

Neither the Ops nor her DH's wishes were "trumped" by the other. They had already agreed and announce the names

The issue is that the inlaws are trying to force their own choice of name. And no, their wishes should not take priority, however many strops and hysterics they may throw.

Loving pianodoodles comments about her family having a tradition of not given their children silly names.

Yanbu. No way would I bow to this request from dh or pils. You carried and gave birth to that child with all the accompanying pain. You get the final decision on name.

*echos morriszap ...

how did you not know?

I'm one of five children, of whom just one is actually known by her or his first name on the birth certificate. Two of us are generally known by names that aren't on the certificate at all! It kept all the grandparents very happy and none of us have ever had any trouble remembering to use our full names when booking tickets etc so as not to trip up with passports and so on.

So practically speaking, pandering to FIL's wishes (and your SIL waving cudgels on his behalf) wouldn't be a massive pain.

However, the underlying issue is whether your DH's family should be putting you and your DH in this position at all. And it's pretty obvious they shouldn't.

And enormous congratulations on ooshing out twins in this heat. It was bad enough carrying my dtds in the middle of winter, it must have been unbearable in this weather!

'That is not the tradition in the UK. Your name is already being passed down in his surname and we're happy to use it as his middle name. If you keep making a fuss We will call him Notyiorgis, Notyiorgis, Mymaidenname and you can go whistle'.

Had my DD been a DS I would be in your situation. Although my husband is Irish and wanted the baby named the same as him and his father.
Had I have had a boy we decided to name the child his fathers name and the middle name be my Fathers middle name and know him as a shortened version of his first name. I didn't want two men in the house with the same name, (my DH and potential DS). If my next baby is a boy then I am doing this.

Just go with the middle name and let them calm down. If DSil persists tell her she can call her baby the name.

If you're not even close to being a feminist, then you have no choice but to bend to the will of your husband and FIL, after all you are just a silly little woman, right?

You should definitely name him 'Notyiorgos' it has a lovely ring to it

Echoing the "go ahead with what you agreed" people.

Just beware though, of not letting your husband register them if there is any doubt in his mind- my father registered both me and my sister as totally different names to the ones him and my mum had "agreed"!

Congratulations!

You need your DH's back-up here. Remind him what you agreed in advance. I think using it as a middle name is a perfect compromise.

Oh, and

I am not a feminist or anything close to that

Maybe these events will start to change your mind about that? This is one of the many things feminism is concerned with.

x-post with weiss but she put it more succinctly

OP stick to your original plans & agreement. As others have said your SIL can do the honours when she has her own. It is a choice that only the parents should make & your compromise of using it as a middle name is a good one.

We had similar situation with my ILs. They wanted DS1 to take FIL's name. Thankfully DH & I were in agreement that it was not going to happen. I also pointed out that as BIL has same name then it should be his DS who should take the name. As BIL hadn't been in a relationship for years there was much discussion behind my back to attempt to change DS1's name.

BIL has since married and has a DS....who was given the name. It makes me so cross that FIL shows a massive preference for my nephew - and more so that my DCs are aware of it.

Congratulations on the arrival of your children :)

Do not be bullied. And make sure you register the names- I don't know how that works legally where you are, but for heaven's sake don't send DH off on his own or with his family to do it.

You and DH are the parents. You have chosen the names. Everybody else sticking their oar in can choose their own names for their children.

Tell SIL that you are letting her have her father's name for her own child as it would be confusing otherwise, two cousins with the same name.

Presumably (given your comment about not being a feminist, which suggests that you normally take the traditional view of such things) you and your children have taken your husband's last name- which will be the same as your FIL's last name? I think last name and middle name is perfectly sufficient for grandfather-honouring purposes.

I was in a fairly similar situation, when I fell pregnant and names were discussed, my dp said that it was tradition for a boy to take his fathers name. My dp has a lovely name but I didn't want two of the same name in my household if that makes sense. We did discuss it and eventually agreed it would be his middle name, but that discussion is now invalid as we are expecting a girl!

Also, got to agree with the other posters about feminism. Assuming you believe in equal rights for women, you are a feminist. Hell, even men can be feminists you know!!

Haven't had time to read whole thread but no way would I even use FIL's name as a middle name.

I absolutely agree that both parents should choose a name together but as I told my DH's family (who fretted re us not using any of FIL's names) the children get their fucking surname (at least in our case they do) so that should be more than enough to keep them happy.

I was always too much of a feminist to be dictated to by my father or anyone else's re names. Patriarchal traditions can fuck right off as far as i'm concerned. It's 2013! They had their chance to name their own kids and cannot use emotional blackmail to try and exert control over what future generations do with their kids! And culture is really no excuse as we all have a culture and I don't feel one should ever dominate another in this way

How come grandmothers don't look forward all their lives to their granddaughter being named after her?

I'd say middle name or nothing. If he disagrees, you need to emit a high pitched scream until he caves.