When cultures Clash..I refuse to give my father-in-laws name to my son.

[orangebee1]

Ladies, last week i delivered twins, one boy and one girl. My husband is Greek and tradition here dictates that the grandson must be named after the grandfather.
I am English and it's unthinkable to me that i can't choose my son's name. I am happy to have the grandfather's name (Yiorgos) as a middle name, but certainly not the first one and am insisting that my huband and i find a name we BOTH want.

I delivered by c-section and after two days (when i was still in the hospital recovering!) what should have been a joyous occasion turned into tears and arguments over the name choices - i wrote the names my husband and i had agreed on on facebook and his family saw and all hell broke lose.

My husband was so taken upset by his family's reaction, he was crying and distressed and finally changed his mind about the names.

As yet the babies are unamed and referred to as "the boy" and "the girl".
His sister says to me "you have three children now, what is it to name one of them after the grandfather - he has only one life and waited all of it until this day for his name to be passed on".

Am i being unreasonable??? Would you name your child a name you really do not like at all to keep the peace???

[orangebee1]

Thanks so much for the support all.
It really is very tough, my husband said to me that if i insisted on sticking to a different first name he would agree BUT he would "lose some respect" for me.

I feel that if i give in to the first name demands it will cause a permanent rift between myself and his family, i will ALWAYS resent them for it and i can't see how they'd have a fruitful relationship with my children afterwards. I am already struggling to be civil with them after my experience in the hospital.

The whole notion of a mother not being able to name a child as she pleases (with her partner of course) seems so backwards and alien to me. The most frustrating thing is my husband is so very modern and never lets his family boss him around, so i am shocked he has buckled now. And yes, as someone wrote, i do wish he could prioritise the needs of his immediate family over the rest.

[diddl]

They sound horrible.

And it's a tradition-not a fucking law.

Congratulations, btw!

[diddl]

OMG-sorry, but the absolute bastard!

He'll lose respect for you-who is trying to stop herself being bullied about a tradition in 2013!

ONE WEEK AFTER HAVING TWINS!!!

How have you any respect left for him?

[EldritchCleavage]

It is so easy for people to suggest you compromise, but once you give in, have you set a precedent for the future (where the in-laws know if they kick off badly enough, you'll back down)?

Nobody's tradition can be entirely sacrosanct in a mixed relationship (and I know, I'm the product of one). The grandfather's name will be in there as a surname anyway, so he has relatively little to complain about. And it's all so patriarchal-no one seems to think your father and grandfather should get a look in.

Don't let your DH put this on you being intransigent, culturally insensitive, whatever. He agreed to this with you in advance. Stick to your guns.

[fedupofnamechanging]

If you believe in making life choices for yourself and not being dictated to by men, then you are a feminist.

It's all very well to say you love your husband and don't want him to be unhappy, but he made a promise to you about this issue before you married and had a child and he is now breaking that promise to you and putting pressure on you to subjugate your culture to his.

I would be feeling less sorry for him at this point and more angry that he is letting you down.

Or did he just think that he could promise you any old shite and in the end he would get his own way?

But seeing as you are not a feminist, you won't be objecting to that, will you?

[propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS]

He will lose some respect for you?! What an atrocious and thankless thing to say to the woman who has just carried his twins for none months and had a major operation to deliver them safely. Fuck me. You need to put him in his place. How dare he speak to you like that.

[Lottapianos]

'It really is very tough, my husband said to me that if i insisted on sticking to a different first name he would agree BUT he would "lose some respect" for me.'

That is a seriously shit thing for him to say to you OP. Jesus, you must feel so ganged up on! That's emotional blackmail and it is not on at any time, but just after you've given birth and are coping with not one but two newborns?! Not good at all

Hopefully he will come to his senses soon and apologise to you.

He really needs to suck this up and support you and stick to your original agreement. Everyone on this board is behind you so I hope that helps a bit while your DH is sorting his head out!

[Groovee]

My gran was a bit like this. She really didn't like ds's name and told me so with "Groovee what sort of a name is ***?" It was all because we didn't call him Peter after my granpa. But we agreed if we went down that route we'd have to name them after the 4 grandads.

There always has to be someone who has an opinion and believes that they have a right in the say. I think you have to remind dh about your condition of marriage and let your SIL know that she can use the name instead.

[burberryqueen]

congratulations on your twins btw - a terrific fuss will be made over the boy, his name, his name day etc., ; if you are not a feminist now, you will be soon - but really, well done and congrats.

[orangebee1]

EldritchCleavage - i agree with you entirely, those days in the hospital i really thought to myself "i don't want my son's first lesson in life to be watching his mother being tormented into something she knows is wrong."
At the same time i should emphasise what huge thing it is culturally here in Greece, it's like a huge slap in the face to the grandfather not to do it and the rest of his family now mocks him in a bizarre way because all their kids stuck to the tradition where my husband didn't.
I also want to add that the grandfather has always been lovely to me, and i really do respect him, he is from a tiny village and 84 years old so it's a totally different mentality. I understand his pain, but i can't have MY wishes as the MOTHER dismissed in this archaic way.

[SeparatedDad]

Time is a big healer. It's all really hurtful right now, but think ahead and do what you feel is best for your child long term. He will spend most of his childhood with you, not the other relatives. They will all get over it in time. Think ahead and don't allow the heated emotions of today affect you. They will all settle.

[Lottapianos]

'I understand his pain, but i can't have MY wishes as the MOTHER dismissed in this archaic way'

Absolutely agree. You're not being thoughtless and unfeeling about this, but you are putting your own wishes and desires first (which you agreed with DH) and you're absolutely right to do so.

I'm putting a 'this is what a feminist looks like' T-shirt in the post to you Be proud of yourself here - it would be totally understandable if between sleep deprivation and being emotionally overwhelmed you just decided to give in and do as you were told. You will be very glad in months and years to come that you didnt.

[AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom]

He would lose some respect for you? The man who agreed before you were married that you wouldn't use the name. Agreed a name when the babies were born and then buckled when his family threw a tantrum?

I know which way the loss of respect would be going if it was me, and it wouldn't be that way.

But seriously, that is a shit thing to say to a woman who has just had your children.

[Catmint]

It is not on for your DH to tell you that he would lose some respect for you, for not submitting to his family's wishes.

As I understand it, you had secured his agreement prior to becoming parents that you would not follow the tradition.

He has gone back on an agreement. You haven't.

He failed to communicate appropriately to prepare his family, and is now making this your problem, 1 week after having twins.

I am really sorry OP, but I know who I am losing respect for, and it isn't you.

[EldritchCleavage]

Well, the family sounds doubly horrid if they are mocking the grandfather. What pigs.

I do think reaching out to him to explain it isn't a snub, it's just accommodating your different traditions and ideas would be a good idea in the future. But for now look after yourself and your twins, ask your DH to please tell SIL to pipe down and see if you can't get bf going.

[BerthaTheBogCleaner]

Splutter! lose some respect for you! That would clinch it for me. Your dh just lost the right to have any say in it, right there.

How much respect do you have for your dh, now that he has allowed his family to treat his wife in this way, 2 days after giving birth?

Time to tell them that, once they have apologised for their behaviour, you will consider allowing them to see little Not-Called-Yiorgos again.

[EagleRiderDirk]

Wow - I hope you've told your OH that he may lose some respect for you but you've already lost every scrap you had for him now.

[Jan49]

Since it's your DH who has gone back on something he agreed to, I would expect you to lose a little respect for him, not the other way around.

Also if it's a slap in the face to a grandfather not to name a grandson after him, what about a child's other grandfather?

Are you saying the grandfather has lots of grandchildren and all the grandsons are named the same as him except yours?

[MarshaBrady]

This happened to a friend. Same sort of emotional bullying and emotional blackmail.

Similar overly strong cultural thing. The dh did a big turn around after the birth.

Anyway she said no and sod the consequences, and it did mend over time. The relationship between the gp and dc is fine. Although it changed her view of the in laws and it ruined her early days, and she got ill from it.

It's a lesson really, in that not everyone will automatically follow cultural traditions.

[Mama1980]

I cannot believe your husband said that to you! I am and on your behalf. How awful that this is very shadowing what should be such a amazing time for you.
Congratulations on the birth of your twins
Personally I am a huge fan of traditions and would call ds after his grandfather HOWEVER that you do not want to do this is fine and that is your right as a mother, the fact that your husband agreed to this and has now changed his mind is not ok. This all could have been avoided if he had just calmly stuck to what you agreed and not engaged with any debate.
Regarding your milk the ladies on the feeding boards here are great and very supportive.

[ShedWood]

How dare your husband say he will lose some respect for you!!!

He is the weak-willed one, reneging on a deal the two of you struck before you were married and bowing down to pressure from his family over something he himself doesn't actually believe in and bullying you at a very vulnerable time.

Surely it's you OP who must have lost respect for him???

[CoolItKittens]

Stand your ground OP! If it was me I'd be telling DH he was the last person who could talk about respect considering how he's letting his family treat you! Even worse when he'd already agreed to using a different name. Middle name is a good enough compromise, but after the way they've been acting I don't think I'd want to use it at all!

[skrumle]

YANBU - i wanted to give DD my surname as her last middle name but was guilt-tripped into giving a family name from my MIL's side instead and i still grudge it (13 yrs later), and am now considering double-barrelling kids' surname (i kept my own name). and for me it was a middle name - there's no way i would have compromised on first name.

[Whothefuckfarted]

My other half's 'official' first name is Trevor (after his father), middle name James, always been called James by everyone. Never been a problem to him.