When cultures Clash..I refuse to give my father-in-laws name to my son.

[orangebee1]

Ladies, last week i delivered twins, one boy and one girl. My husband is Greek and tradition here dictates that the grandson must be named after the grandfather.
I am English and it's unthinkable to me that i can't choose my son's name. I am happy to have the grandfather's name (Yiorgos) as a middle name, but certainly not the first one and am insisting that my huband and i find a name we BOTH want.

I delivered by c-section and after two days (when i was still in the hospital recovering!) what should have been a joyous occasion turned into tears and arguments over the name choices - i wrote the names my husband and i had agreed on on facebook and his family saw and all hell broke lose.

My husband was so taken upset by his family's reaction, he was crying and distressed and finally changed his mind about the names.

As yet the babies are unamed and referred to as "the boy" and "the girl".
His sister says to me "you have three children now, what is it to name one of them after the grandfather - he has only one life and waited all of it until this day for his name to be passed on".

Am i being unreasonable??? Would you name your child a name you really do not like at all to keep the peace???

I'm flabbergasted by what your DH said to you! It would seem quite a widespread phenomenon that some men can be crap following the birth of a child (or two) but that was an awful thing to say.

And all of this nonsense is totally sidelining your DD!! It's as if only one of them counts.

I think I'd be seriously rethinking living in Greece.

Ok - so in a little while this won't matter for you. If you go the 'wrong' way, it will matter for some of the cavemen/cavewomen in the family.
Your husband was so very wrong to say what he did about 'respect' and I hope you reminded him that not only is respect earned (you've don't more than earned that, having twins) but it is also a two way street, buddy! I'm sure I was just family pressure and aggro talking there.

Did they fuss about the other children's names too, or is grandpa just the loudest bull on the farm?

Yanbu.

Your DH is being VU not to back you up given it was a condition of you marrying him. He's being a twat.

I'm at what your DH said to you.

What a vile, nasty thing to say. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Do not give into to your bullying in-laws, you'll regret it forever if you do.

As for your dh, I'd be telling him that I'd lost a lot of respect for him, being such a weak, pathetic individual and putting his parents before you and his children.

Difficult situation. I agree with the others, but understand that cultural traditions are so ingrained that people can lose perspective.

I had a Greek boyfriend when I was at university. It's fair to say that he wasn't exactly a feminist. He liked me to wear sexy underwear, high heels and skirts. Oh, and make up. I didn't comply with his demands and he just had to lump it.

He was also very phobic of my menstruation and thought it shocking that it is normal for fathers in the UK to attend the birth of their children.

I do remember that he had his fathers (and/or Grandfather's) surname and celebrated his name day etc. He was very much the favoured child over his sister.

To be honest, I found his cultural traditions somewhat irritating but accepted that it was normal to him. I hope he learned something from going out with a feminist.

Best of luck - I would stick to your guns and keep the names you want.

We've had this thread before (Greeks and all).

I think you need to be firm that they are being unreasonable to think that only their culture and tradition is of importance here.

Tell them that cross cultural marriage requires compromise and the compromise you have agreed is to have the name as a middle name.

as for your husband losing respect for you, well, that works both ways. Not much respect should be coming his way from you for being so weak and weeping and wailing and going back on something discussed and agreed because other people are pissed off about it. Not much respect should be coming his way from you for putting the wishes of everyone else above you.

So if he wants to talk losing respect, you need to tell him that he's got a bit of a shock coming...

(I am british and my husband is kenyan. I know about two cultures coming together. I tell you this so you know I am not without understanding)

I'm shocked at what your husband has said to you re. losing respect for you. He is the lily livered baby, not you.

I've just realised that you are actually in Greece.

That must make it doubly hard for you to act as you wish.

I don't have any answers, just want to wish you luck sticking to your guns.

OP I have huge respect for you.

You've just given birth to twins, you're DH is being a dick, you are sticking to your principles under pressure. You are acting with grace in very trying circumstances.

So do you end up with loads of cousins all with the same name then? Irrelevant, I know, but still - do you?

Maybe you should tell them that it is your family tradition to buy very large expensive presents for the mother of the first-born grandson. Very expensive. And wash her feet. And stuff.

What a horrid situation.

You've provided them with 2DGC and all they're focused on is bullying you into accepting their wishes Iver yours and your DH.

Your DH was majorly out of order to say he has lost respect for you. How DARE he!

I'm furious for you, I really am.

Congrats on your twins, stick to your guns Xx

Do what we did, call the child grandfathers name followed by the middle name that you chose then always refer to him by his middle name. So effectively you all get what you want.

There is no way you should have to call your child anything other than a name of your choice. However you are obviously under huge pressure and I suspect feeling a little guilty that you are upsetting your DH's family. A relative in a similar position called her child the family name and a few months later introduced a 'nickname' by which he always known to most of the family. He happily uses whichever name is appropriate to the situation.

Why would you give a child a name you never intend to call them by as a first name, just to appease bullies?

If she is happy to use the grandfather's name as a middle name then that is fine, just reverse the order.

amazing how some men become disloyal to wives once the babies are born - just like my ex (not Greek but some other traditional European country) - I was gobsmacked.
stay strong OP

I'm astounded by your husband's attitude. Lose respect? I hope you told him you had zero left for him now. What a shity way to treat you. It'a not as if this snuck up on him, it was a condition of your marriage!

Perhaps he needs reminding of a few things. Very for you OP.

YANBU. My DH's family are Spanish and our first born son should have been called after his Spanish grandfather but we didnt consider it. I think my DH would have but I made it clear that I didn't like that tradition.

My DHs family never mentioned it thankfully.

My FIL was not a nice man so I would have hated to have named a child after him.
Our DCs already have 'their' grandfathers name in their surname.

Your DH is being a jerk too. What a thing to say after you have given birth to his children.

I would brazen it out. Keep telling them that it is not your tradition and you don't want to disrespect 'your' father (or something ).

I'm from a Greek family.
It won't get any better you know, there will be more of this.

Stick to your guns and do what you want. You are doing amazingly well to be so rational about it all.

Gosh, I feel so sorry for you. You've given birth to twins, you've had a major operation and now you're being bullied by your own (D)H and his family.

I'm sorry, but your husband has allowed his family to ruin what should have been a very special time for you - and not only that, a time when you're still vulnerable both physically and mentally. That's unforgivable in my book.

No way should that child have any part of that family's name now - if they do, every single time you say it, you'll remember their bullying behaviour.

Are you in Greece or the UK?

Tell them all to fuck off.

Especially your DH. Tell him that you have lost respect for him, for going back on his word and for joining in bullying you, when he shoul be defending you and telling them all how amazing you are for creating life.

Seriously, just go with the names you like and don't give it any more thought. They are your children. Yes, your DH is a parent too, but he has not just carried them and delivered them, and will not be recovering for the next 6 weeks. DH and I discussed first names, made a shortlist together and we each chose a middle name, but ultimate decision on first names was mine.

Congrats on your babies!

Perhaps your DH should consider how much respect you are losing for him as a result of his backtracking on a long standing agreement between you.

He is aware that you felt strongly enough about this to raise it as a condition of your agreeing to marry him.

Respect is earned when one shows integrity. Who is lacking it, I wonder?

where would this loss of respect come from?

You said you intended to do X and you are sticking to it. um.

YANBU in the slightest. Good luck and congratulations on the babies. Must be wonderful.