I have tried for months not to post this question, but I can't help myself any longer!!!

[Enfyshedd]

AIBU to be getting fed up with DSS2 complaining that DD is "bullying" him?

For clarity's sake, DSS2 is 7yo, DD is nearly 14mo. Yes, 14 months.

DSS2 has a really annoying to me habit of sticking his face in hers all the time. I mean, less than 4 inches nose to nose close, then he complains that she pulls his hair, pinches his face or pushes him away. I tell him all the time to stop doing it because she will pull, pinch or push his face away when he does it.

He will take books that she's looking at out of her hands, then moan that she snatched the book off him (I'm talking about board & bath books bought specifically for DD). Another thing is him building towers with her stacking cups or mega blocks, then complaining that she keeps knocking them down/pulling them apart

He is currently lying across the sofa and complaining that DD is sitting on his head after he got on the sofa after her and slid himself down between the back of the sofa and DD (I'm acting as a barrier to stop DD's kamikaze dives off the sofa). This is for the second time in 20mins and on both occasions I've told DSS2 that he's the one who's put himself there and DP has told him to stop messing about and get off the sofa if he's going to scream "she's standing on my head!!!" when she was there to start with.

DSS2 was the only person in the house to complain that DD wouldn't bite him when she started teething (when she was happily gnawing on my nipples during BFing, DP's fingers and, inexplicably, DSS1's nose), and would try and shove his just been playing in the dirt outside and has to be reminded everytime to wash his hands after going to the toilet fingers in her mouth. Then when she obliged him by finally biting his finger (DP & I were distracted), he played merry hell for 2 bloody days about how much it hurt.

I'm fed up of the bloody whinging! She's a baby, he's 7yo and a big one who fits into 8 to 9 yo clothes at that, he should be capable of removing himself from or preventing these situations. He cries more than DD does FFS...

Sorry for making you poor souls who opened this thread read it, but it's really getting on my tits after months of this. Does anyone else have experience of an older sibling who will moan about a baby doing completly normal baby behaviour?

Bloody

Another thing that worked for us was giving extra priviledges "because now they are a big boy they can..." Make sure he knows that it is special being older and that he can/ia allowed to do things that the baby can't.

It's also worth occasionally moaning to him about the baby.
"oh it's such a pain having to change all these nappies. It takes so long and is so smelly. I'd much rather be doing x with you" etc. then he knows you are having to do it, rather than prefering to do it than spending time with him.

He's now a middle child, a step, and big for his age (meaning outsiders expect him to behave more maturely). That's a lot for a child to handle. No wonder he's playing with her toys, wrong as that is. As for giving her space, he doesn't see any space between you and DD, but probably doesn't understand that is maternal intimacy, and that siblings need more space.

He definitely needs boundaries, but with an acknowledgement of why he got it wrong, and maybe an apology for having left him to work it out himself? Possibly even praise for trying to work it out himself? My DS (who isn't a middle or step) has responded really well to my talking to DD about what he is doing, and how great it will be when she csn do x, too.

OP you posted about this when your DD was much younger, and you were cross with your DSS2 for being interested and wanting to come and be with you when you were BFing.

If I recall you were 'freaked out' by a little boy 'staring' at your boobs.

You obviously didn't take on board anything that was said to you then, otherwise you wouldn't be shoving him away and taking over your DD 100% when you get home.

You need to encourage them to play nicely together, not just constantly have a go at him for going anywhere near his sister. 14 months is old enough to start to know that you don't pinch and pull hair as well.

I think you need to sit down with DP and sort it out so that they are not 'his' boys and 'your' baby. Being out at work and then coming home and taking over 100% of the care of DD is a problem. You can both take care of all of them. Get into a routine where you have special time with your DD and put her to bed, have special time with the 7yr old before he goes to bed.

Get him more involved- BLW is much easier to help with than spoon feeding.

My DSD was same age when DD came along. It is for sure that your DSS is looking for your/DH attention. Looking at my DSD wee face in the pictures of when my DD was born still breaks my heart. She just looks so lost. I included her as much as possible in the mummy stuff and it didnt take long for her to perk up. This is her nature - not to full on attention seek but withdraw. I see now I should have prepped better before the birth
It is difficult when new baby comes along for any child..but I think SC feel it more in some ways. My DSD is a honey and very easy to include and enjoy things with. If you dont feel the same I appreciate it is difficult and the force of the love/need to protect your baby can make you react badly.
However - you need to make the effort here. DSS is a baby himself in the grand scheme of things. I have also learned that faking it until you actually feel it DOES work. Ten years on and my DSD is on holiday with her mum - and I miss her. My DSSs are now 19 and 21 and I am dreading them moving out. (not all the time - they are still able to get right on my knockers) It wasnt always easy and I would lock myself in the loo and cry with frustration sometimes. I have a great friend who doesnt judge me and I would really let rip at her when I needed to. But at the heart of it these are your DD's siblings. Your DD has closed the circle and made you all proper family now. Keep that in mind. In 15 years if handled properly now, DSS can be your greatest support. My eldest SS would kill someone if they even looked at DD the wrong way. My DSD is a great role model for DD and someone I know will help her when she hits teenage angst.

I have written too much but all I am trying to say is be the adult and put the work in now.

LJL69 bless you - you make so much sense and i hope the op takes it on board

Great post LJL69

Oh. I remember the staring at the boobs thread. I recall you got a bit of a hard time then, OP

Have just had a quick read through of the staring thread to remind myself. It reminded me of why I dropped off it pretty quickly - at least there were some people being a bit more understanding towards the end.

To answer one question raised on the other threat, no I haven't seen anyone about PND. At the time, I was a week away from returning to work, couldn't afford to be off work any longer and had a whole pile of other crap on the go due to ExP which is still ongoing and is complicating things mentally for me.

The DSSs are away for a week next week, so have got a break from everything then. Will try and have a chat with DP while they're away about how to address things a bit better and see if that will help. He keeps telling me I'm a great mum to the boys, but I've always felt really detached from them, and not much closer to DD. Just feel that I'm better at faking it with DD than with the others. I keep being told that I act really maternal and am good with children, when to me I just feel like I'm good at making sure they don't die on my watch.

Sweetheart, your last post tells the biggest part of the story. this bit

I've always felt really detached from them, and not much closer to DD. Just feel that I'm better at faking it with DD than with the others. I keep being told that I act really maternal and am good with children, when to me I just feel like I'm good at making sure they don't die on my watch.

I really think a trip to a decent GP is in order. You have a major amount going on in your life - working FT/household stuff/Step kids/little one etc. If this was all totally textbook perfect it is a lot to juggle. Never mind with behaviour issues etc.

A good sympathetic GP will listen and I suspect say PND might be at work or stress or both.

It is easy for me to say after the fact that it is all lovely now...I do remember feeling shite at times. AND I was lucky in that the kids were all great towards me. When they were horrors DH got it tight too!! As did their mum. and their mum really supported me too so I really did have it easy. My lovely dad is my step dad so I also had a bit of an insight into what they were feeling.

Please be kind to yourself and you will find it is easier to be positive to the kids. xxxxx

I agree LJ

OP younseem to have an enormous amount of stress in your life

I think that you need to sit down with DP and discuss. I agree you have way too much stress and need to work jointly to relieve it.

Enfy, you sound like you're doing a great job all round in very tricky circumstances.
With dss2, well the poor little guy. His Mum put her OM before him and has since had a new sister who lives with her fulltime.
His Dad loves him but now has a new dd with you and he's not the "baby" of the family any more.
He probably does want to be "babied" a bit sometimes. I know my 8 yo ds3 does!

But a lot of it is just annoying siblng behaviour, it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong or that he's a bad child.

Good spot alibaba, I too remember that thread. I feel the same in both scenarios - you need to spend more time with your step son! You need - with your partner - to find a way to erase this 'divide' in your family.

If you cannot do that then perhaps starting a family with a man who already has one was not a smart move.

OP - every post you've ever posted about your step son has been horrible to him or about him.

I think your family needs help to deal with the problematic dynamics and unspoken feelings that are rotting the very foundations. This will not get resolved otherwise and your poor little step son deserves much better.

"I encourage DP to spend time with DSSs while I take DD off somewhere.

DP gives DSS2 jobs to do to help him look after DD when I'm out of the house. As soon as I'm home from work, I take over DD's care 100%."

Only read to this post so far.

This is your problem.

He is jealous anyway as he was the baby until your DD came along. His own mum walked out on him and you seem to avoid spending any time with him at all. You focus solely on your DD while expecting your DP to see to his children. Your DSS sees this and is feeling jealous and pushed out and it isn't surprising.

Can you not see that it is quite obvious from your OP that you don't really like him, you get your DP to spend time with him when you are out, then when you walk back in you take the baby and off you go to 100% see to her. You said she is going to be your only child, so you are clearly being very pfb and oeb (only ever born, I think this needs to be a new acronym ), she gets to 'stay up' late and go to bed with you where he is in bed earlier and doesn't get any special time.

You, not your DP really need to build a better relationship with him, but it doesn't actually seem like you want to. He is looking for a mother figure who is around more than his own mother. You don't seem to want to take this role which is sad considering that he is with you for 9 days out of 14. He has been rejected by his own mum (same happened to me except when she walked out she never came back) and now he is being rejected by you.

Read some more now.

Ok, it does sound like you have a heck of a lot on. Is there any actual 'me' time for you in there? I find I get so much more stressed with the kids when I am stressed. If I have had a bit of a break then I can deal with them so much more effectively.

"We ask him to build a tower with her bricks so she can play with it, but he makes such a racket about her taking it apart while he's still building."

Sorry but this is very very normal. I have a 5 year old DS and a 2 year old DD and he will build things but expect her to wait patiently until he has finished. Obviously she won't so he shouts. Its stressful but even at 7 he is still a bit young to understand some things. Do you think that you expect more from his behaviour and understanding because there is also a 14 year old? I know that DH sometimes expects far too much from our 2 year old, stuff that we would expect from our 5 year old and I have to remind him that she can't be expected to understand in the same way.

My 2 bicker and argue all the time. Every time I leave the room they start, it drives me potty!!!! I do think that some siblings are just like this and you shouldn't expect them to get on just because 1 is older and therefore understands. The way I understand it, is as soon as there is more than 1, then there will always be some sort of friction really which I think applies here.

I do still think that he is insecure, feeling pushed out and jealous. And just because it has been years, please don't underestimate what the impact of your own mother leaving you has. I am 31 and it has never got easier.

"He keeps telling me I'm a great mum to the boys, but I've always felt really detached from them, and not much closer to DD. Just feel that I'm better at faking it with DD than with the others. I keep being told that I act really maternal and am good with children, when to me I just feel like I'm good at making sure they don't die on my watch."

This is very very telling. I think you need to see someone. It seems like you are going through the motions with parenthood. I had PND twice. Its nothing to be ashamed of and the medication really did help, both times. I'm off it now and have been off it for over a year but I would have no qualms about going back on it.

If this is really how you feel then you do need to get it sorted else the situation is going to get much worse.

I too remember your previous post.
I think it's hard to be a stepmother. Especially when you have your own child(ren). It's not the same.
Kids can be very annoying. No argument there. I'm sorry it's stressing you out. It must be very wearing.

But no matter how hard it is for a stepmother it must be so much tougher for the child. This little boy is struggling with feelings of displacement and jealousy. Those feelings (new sibling, middle child) would be an issue even without the complications that come with being part of a blended family and feeling rejected by his mother. (if that's the case. I don't want to speak out of turn).

I agree with LJL69 that a talk with your GP or HV is an important thing to to have.

Boys are so vulnerable in many ways. You can make such a difference to this child. I hope you get good support so you can all feel a bit better.
Good luck.

Also, traumatic delivery can be very hard to recover from. Hugely underestimated impact IMO. My DS is 2.7 and I still can't speak about his birth or look at early pictures without becoming tearful.
I know women who had their babies 30 years ago and are still affected by a difficult birth. These days there is better support for women to deal with the after effects of traumatic birth.

Poor enfyshedd, being flamed by people who probably have never been a stepmum and have no idea how hard it can sometimes be. Just waiting for the "you made your bed comment next"

Oh. I didn't read the flaming.
Just. The op and last page.